Ok, so I left off on my last post right at the really good part. So I met Ty out at a place by where she works now, as a realtor, off of 83rd Ave and Thunderbird. We sat and had some tacos together, and just like in the old days, she talked my ear off, and I loved every minute of it. It is amazing how much she is still the same old Ty - witty, blazingly intelligent, brutally honest, and fun to talk to. She has gained a little weight, which I was at first surprised by - considering the fact that when I was last around her, Doug used to refer to her as being like a little elf, or pixie - she was so slight. But she is definitely the same Ty, and we shared that same connection we always did. If she wasn't married, I would be ecstatic, but being that she is, I am a little scared, to be honest.
Anyway, towards the end of our time together (about an hour and a hakf), I got my opportunity to make my formal amends to her, and to apologize for the way I left her. It was a very emotional moment, and I had already come to tears a couple of times before we even met just thinking about it. She got pretty teared up too, and when I looked in her eyes, I saw that same hurt and love that I remember seeing over 18 years ago, like we had just broken up 2 weeks ago. I wanted so much to just take her in my arms, and hug the pain right out of her. But I held back that urge, and we shared the moment, sitting across from one another, not really crying, but with tears welling in her eyes.
I did give her a great big hug - 2 actually - before I left, and I was so happy to know that she did not hate me anymore. In fact, from what she said, she never really did. She was just mad and hurt at the time, but over the years she had never thought anything but good thoughts about me. Since that evening (Monday, Feb 15th, 2010, for posterity) we have been in touch frequently through email and texting. I am really enjoying the communication, as she always did have a way to see me for who I am, and I generally believe the nice things she says about me - which is completely opposite my reaction to when other women say those things.
Of course, we have written and talked about old times, about things we each remember from back then, and things that reminded us of one another over the years. I am a little scared, as I said, because I get the distinct impression that she never stopped loving me, and that if I wanted to whisk her off her feet, I could. And for whatever reason, she still seems to have that strange power she had over me before - whenever I look deep into her eyes, I am just compelled to hold and protect her; to love her and keep her safe; to be her "knight in shining armor." And it is not some petty romaniticized feeling I am describing here. It may have been 18 years ago. But I have been around long enough and seen enough women to know that I don't feel that for just anyone.
So what does it all mean? It means that I want to be there for her as the best friend I can be, and with extreme caution and awareness. Lord knows, I would not want her to do anything that might cause her to leave her current husband, or anything remotely similar. I want to be her friend, and that's all. If she was single, I might consider dating her. But as it stands, it is a no go. Her husband is over in Afghanistan serving in the army, so I am sure she suffers some from being lonely. But I do not want to do anything to arouse suspicion in him, nor do I want to give her the impression that I want more than friendship.
And it will be a good learning experience for me. I would do well to learn how to be a friend - just a friend - to a married lady that I find attractive. That hasn't worked out too good - or it worked out way too good - in the past! I am taking this one day at a time, with gratitude and compassion. I am glad to have a dear friend back, and glad she is ok. I just want to do my part to make sure it stays that way...
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
18 Years in the Making - what a Gift
I am sitting here listening to "Unknown Pleasures" by Joy Division - just got it last night and this is like the third time I have listened to it - and thinking of how much it reminds me of Ty, with her love for alernative music and all. But I am getting ahead of myself here. One could easily ask, "Ty? What makes you bring up Ty?" And that is a very interesting story indeed.
First, the history. When I was 21, I was living with a guy named Brian Harris in a little apartment off of 67th and Northern, dubbed "the Vortex" by my friend Doug. At the time, I was selling pot, partying, and living the free, party lifestyle. I met this girl named Ty through someone (?) as she happened to be a major potsmoker. She was very petite, very cute, very intelligent, and basically wanted by all of us. After some hanging out and various happenings, we ended up dating. We dated for about 5 or 6 months - and then she got pregnant. I of course got scared shitless, (and though I told myself at the time that I wasn't doing it because of the pregnancy thing, I probably was)and moved with my mom to South Dakota. Ty was obviously devastated, and I felt incredibly bad about it. And did so for the next 18 years.
Flash forward to 6 (almost 7 now) years ago : I get sober, and as part of that, do a 4th step and a sexual inventory, and make an 8th step list. And of course, Ty was on there. I felt horrible about what I had done, and definitely owed her an amends. I looked for her as best I knew how, and she was nowhere to be found. I tried driving by her old house, only to find that she didn't live there (like she would have still been, right? but I had to try). I asked the people living there if they knew the previous owners, they had no idea. I tried People Finders.com, and came up with an address. So I sent a letter, hoping she would get it. But it got returned - "not at this address", and I wasn't sure if maybe she was and still hated me, or she really didn't live there. After that, I basically gave up on trying to find her.
So then this last weekend, I took Luke out to visit Doug with me - the first time we had all 3 been together, and the first time Luke had seen Doug, in like 10 years. Of course we talked about all the old times - the people we hung out, the crazy stuff we did, the places we lived - and Ty's name came up. Luke mentions something about her, and say that I never knew what happened to her. He says something like, "oh, I think she is a realtor in Peoria - I saw her on the Internet the other day." I was flabbergasted, and was like "WHAT?!?! How in the heck did you find her?" He goes on to tell me that he was Googling some of the people he used to hang out with, and she popped up. Well, I was floored, and determined that when I got home, I too would Google her. (talk about ironic - I, mr "computer", had looked and looked for her, and here Luke just Googles her - D'OH!)
And so I did just that - typed in Tylee Leighton, pressed search, and there she was. WHOA! I was amazed - stunned. Here before me sits a photo and contact information for an ex g/f that I have been trying to find for years so I could make amends to her. It was indeed a realty site that she came up on. So I did what seemed like the next logical thing to do in this day and age - I found her on Facebook and sent her a message. All these thoughts ran through me head, like maybe she was single, and we could have one of those Lifetime Movie romances, where we fall back in love again 20 years later. It was so surprising too, because over the years, I had always pictured her sinking deeper into her addiction, as I did, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that it appeared to be quite the opposite.
Wow - there is more to this than I thought. But I really need to do at least a LITTLE actual work, so I will continue this later!
First, the history. When I was 21, I was living with a guy named Brian Harris in a little apartment off of 67th and Northern, dubbed "the Vortex" by my friend Doug. At the time, I was selling pot, partying, and living the free, party lifestyle. I met this girl named Ty through someone (?) as she happened to be a major potsmoker. She was very petite, very cute, very intelligent, and basically wanted by all of us. After some hanging out and various happenings, we ended up dating. We dated for about 5 or 6 months - and then she got pregnant. I of course got scared shitless, (and though I told myself at the time that I wasn't doing it because of the pregnancy thing, I probably was)and moved with my mom to South Dakota. Ty was obviously devastated, and I felt incredibly bad about it. And did so for the next 18 years.
Flash forward to 6 (almost 7 now) years ago : I get sober, and as part of that, do a 4th step and a sexual inventory, and make an 8th step list. And of course, Ty was on there. I felt horrible about what I had done, and definitely owed her an amends. I looked for her as best I knew how, and she was nowhere to be found. I tried driving by her old house, only to find that she didn't live there (like she would have still been, right? but I had to try). I asked the people living there if they knew the previous owners, they had no idea. I tried People Finders.com, and came up with an address. So I sent a letter, hoping she would get it. But it got returned - "not at this address", and I wasn't sure if maybe she was and still hated me, or she really didn't live there. After that, I basically gave up on trying to find her.
So then this last weekend, I took Luke out to visit Doug with me - the first time we had all 3 been together, and the first time Luke had seen Doug, in like 10 years. Of course we talked about all the old times - the people we hung out, the crazy stuff we did, the places we lived - and Ty's name came up. Luke mentions something about her, and say that I never knew what happened to her. He says something like, "oh, I think she is a realtor in Peoria - I saw her on the Internet the other day." I was flabbergasted, and was like "WHAT?!?! How in the heck did you find her?" He goes on to tell me that he was Googling some of the people he used to hang out with, and she popped up. Well, I was floored, and determined that when I got home, I too would Google her. (talk about ironic - I, mr "computer", had looked and looked for her, and here Luke just Googles her - D'OH!)
And so I did just that - typed in Tylee Leighton, pressed search, and there she was. WHOA! I was amazed - stunned. Here before me sits a photo and contact information for an ex g/f that I have been trying to find for years so I could make amends to her. It was indeed a realty site that she came up on. So I did what seemed like the next logical thing to do in this day and age - I found her on Facebook and sent her a message. All these thoughts ran through me head, like maybe she was single, and we could have one of those Lifetime Movie romances, where we fall back in love again 20 years later. It was so surprising too, because over the years, I had always pictured her sinking deeper into her addiction, as I did, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that it appeared to be quite the opposite.
Wow - there is more to this than I thought. But I really need to do at least a LITTLE actual work, so I will continue this later!
Monday, February 8, 2010
My old friend returns...
Well, I'm back on my blog, and that usually means only one thing - I am bummin' again. Not really sure what brought it on this time. It started Friday night, and continued on through the weekend. By yesterday (Sunday) I was really down again. And over the same old stuff - tired of being alone.
For awhile, it was nice to have pretty much every weekend completely to myself, what with Galen living with Sam now, and Tessi going over there almost every weekend. But now that this has been going on for about 3 months, I think the newness and "fun" of having all that time to myself is starting to wear off, and I am getting somewhat lonely as a result.
I think my feelings were exacerbated by finding out Saturday that my friend Mac had proposed to his girlfriend Paula, and she accepted. I am very happy for them - Mac is a way cool dude. I have to admit that I am envious though. I mean, Valentines' Day is coming up, and I am remided on a daily basis that I don't have a Valentine, or sweetheart. It will be just me this year - me and the fish.
The real bummer is that this new med, Lamotrigine, seemed to be really helping with the cyclical depression I have experienced over the years. But it seems like there is just no stopping it : no matter how much medicine I take, how much counseling I go to, how many meetings I go to, how much self work I do, it just keeps coming back. I only hope this time that it doesn't get as bad as the last time, when I did some self-mutilation. Tessi still gets upset about that, so I need to make sure I don't go that far down again.
Something keeps telling me I am just a hopeless case though. I got a strong feeling this weekend that I am going to end up like my mom, but even worse off. At least she has someone who is interested in her (Bob McDermott) so if she didn't want to be alone, she wouldn't have to be. With me, it's different because I don't have that luxury, and probably never will. Uh oh - there's one of those words to look out for in rational self analysis - "never". It says to look out for things that are personal pervasive, and permanent.
So what do I do? I have not a fucking clue anymore. I have an appt with Diana next week. I moved the schedule to a month out because I was doing so well, and now here I am all fucked up again. Jesus - it seems like I am messed up for life. Every time I think I can cut back on counselling, I go down the tubes. I guess I really am a broken person.
For awhile, it was nice to have pretty much every weekend completely to myself, what with Galen living with Sam now, and Tessi going over there almost every weekend. But now that this has been going on for about 3 months, I think the newness and "fun" of having all that time to myself is starting to wear off, and I am getting somewhat lonely as a result.
I think my feelings were exacerbated by finding out Saturday that my friend Mac had proposed to his girlfriend Paula, and she accepted. I am very happy for them - Mac is a way cool dude. I have to admit that I am envious though. I mean, Valentines' Day is coming up, and I am remided on a daily basis that I don't have a Valentine, or sweetheart. It will be just me this year - me and the fish.
The real bummer is that this new med, Lamotrigine, seemed to be really helping with the cyclical depression I have experienced over the years. But it seems like there is just no stopping it : no matter how much medicine I take, how much counseling I go to, how many meetings I go to, how much self work I do, it just keeps coming back. I only hope this time that it doesn't get as bad as the last time, when I did some self-mutilation. Tessi still gets upset about that, so I need to make sure I don't go that far down again.
Something keeps telling me I am just a hopeless case though. I got a strong feeling this weekend that I am going to end up like my mom, but even worse off. At least she has someone who is interested in her (Bob McDermott) so if she didn't want to be alone, she wouldn't have to be. With me, it's different because I don't have that luxury, and probably never will. Uh oh - there's one of those words to look out for in rational self analysis - "never". It says to look out for things that are personal pervasive, and permanent.
So what do I do? I have not a fucking clue anymore. I have an appt with Diana next week. I moved the schedule to a month out because I was doing so well, and now here I am all fucked up again. Jesus - it seems like I am messed up for life. Every time I think I can cut back on counselling, I go down the tubes. I guess I really am a broken person.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Long time no write!
Wow, it's been almost a month since my last post - hard to believe! I guess that must mean there hasn't been a whole lot of suffering, eh? T Come to think of it, there really hasn't. I have not seen mom since the last post, and that probably has someting to do with it. We got the signed court order back from the judge the very next week after we filed it (Jan. 6th, I think) and Galen has been back with Sam ever since. Tessi went over there and stayed for a week, and then went again this week, so I have had some great time to relax and take care of myself. A great example of that is the massage I have scheduled at Massage Envy tonight. I can't wait! I am thinking I am going to have to change the name of this blog to reflect the changes in my life. I am not quite sure what I will name it now, perhaps something about "the path."
In other news, I have continued my workout regimen and actually dropped a few pounds down to 169. I have started taking glucosamine to assist with joint comfort, and have started doing crunched and jackknifes every night before bed to accelerate the 'spare tire removal' process! I got a new sponsor at my Friday night Big Book meeting, a guy named Richard Renshaw, and he seems pretty cool. He told me that he suffered from bipolar disorder, so I think he may be better suited to sponsoring someone who suffers from depression. I met another guy, named Jim, who I have gotten to be pretty good buds with. He too is into Buddhism, and recently celebrated 14 years sober. It is nice to have some new people in my life who can relate to more than just the alcoholic/addict part.
Work has been going pretty good too. I was really slow in December, but it looks like things are picking up again. I have been working on being more patient, and trying to remember that not everyone else moves at the same rate I do - and that is ok. In particular, I have had some challenges relating to, and working with, Jamie, but I actually talked to Diana about that today at my appt with her, and she gave me some great suggestions and ideas, as always. Turns out he is most likely a number 9 on the Enneagram, while I am a number 6. At first, I kinda thought the whole Enneagram thing was pretty hokey, but the more and more I see how well some people fit the characteristics of the different types (today, Diana described Jamie TO A T when describing a number 9) the more I believe that it has some truth to it.
I am still single, and while I am not actively looking, I am open to the prospet of something happening. I have noticed women looking/smiling at me much more lately, and I am fairly certain that the working out, and the increased sense of confidence it brings, has a lot to do with that. So we'll see what happens. Lord knows that I am really working on improving myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. So, if I do end up attracting someone, if anything, she will probably (hopefully) be a little better adjusted, and a bit more like what I really am looking for - like I even know what that is! Ha ha! Things are going very well, and I am very thankful for that.
In other news, I have continued my workout regimen and actually dropped a few pounds down to 169. I have started taking glucosamine to assist with joint comfort, and have started doing crunched and jackknifes every night before bed to accelerate the 'spare tire removal' process! I got a new sponsor at my Friday night Big Book meeting, a guy named Richard Renshaw, and he seems pretty cool. He told me that he suffered from bipolar disorder, so I think he may be better suited to sponsoring someone who suffers from depression. I met another guy, named Jim, who I have gotten to be pretty good buds with. He too is into Buddhism, and recently celebrated 14 years sober. It is nice to have some new people in my life who can relate to more than just the alcoholic/addict part.
Work has been going pretty good too. I was really slow in December, but it looks like things are picking up again. I have been working on being more patient, and trying to remember that not everyone else moves at the same rate I do - and that is ok. In particular, I have had some challenges relating to, and working with, Jamie, but I actually talked to Diana about that today at my appt with her, and she gave me some great suggestions and ideas, as always. Turns out he is most likely a number 9 on the Enneagram, while I am a number 6. At first, I kinda thought the whole Enneagram thing was pretty hokey, but the more and more I see how well some people fit the characteristics of the different types (today, Diana described Jamie TO A T when describing a number 9) the more I believe that it has some truth to it.
I am still single, and while I am not actively looking, I am open to the prospet of something happening. I have noticed women looking/smiling at me much more lately, and I am fairly certain that the working out, and the increased sense of confidence it brings, has a lot to do with that. So we'll see what happens. Lord knows that I am really working on improving myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. So, if I do end up attracting someone, if anything, she will probably (hopefully) be a little better adjusted, and a bit more like what I really am looking for - like I even know what that is! Ha ha! Things are going very well, and I am very thankful for that.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Update on the "mom" situation
After mom's little surprise last week. I decided to do what it takes to get the changes made to the court order so the kids could see Sam again. I went down to the Superior Court (think I mentioned that in my last post) and found out that a person can actually file a modification to a court order on their own. They have packets available for sale for $15, or they told me I could download the from the Internet for free. So this last weekend, I did just that - downloaded all the forms and spent most of Sunday filling them all out.
Yesterday, Sam met me down there, and we got all of the necessary forms files. hopefully, by next week, we will get some kind of decree so we can know that we are out of the woods for good - at least on this issue. I have to mention that I have been very impressed with Sam lately, and I really hope she stays sober. She has been very responsible, and we have been able to work together to get stuff done, which is very nice for a change. She is still hesitant about having the kids over until we know that results of the order we filed, and I can't blame her.
On a related note, Galen told me that he would actually like to come spend the next 4 or 5 days at home. I thought he must have some sort of hidden agenda, as he has been very cold to me lately. So I called him on it, and asked him why he REALLY wanted to come over. He said the he had made some bad decisions, and that he honestly wants to work on rebuilding our relationship. I told him that was agood enough for me, so he will be coming back with Tessi tonight to stay for awhile. I am still a little suspicious of his true motives, but I hope he proves me wrong.
I haven't heard anything from mom, although LoraLei did call Marshal last weekend (through Mom's manipulation, I'm sure) and told him that mom was suicidal and wasn't doing well. Marsh called me to see what I thought, and I told him that I didn't trust mom, that it was probably a manipulation of hers, and that I wasn't going to do anything. He decided to call her, and from what he told me after, he was left thinking that I was probably right - that it was just a manipulation technique of mom's. She ended up hanging up on him (surprise, right?).
I am basically done with her for some time. It is horrible - so horrible - to say, but I was actually thinking that if she offed herself, it might be the best thing for everyone, including her. She is just so jaded, spiteful, angry and fearful that I can't imagine she enjoys life very much. And I know that the misery she causes everyone else would not be missed. I would feel horrible if she ever read this, but like she always says - you gotta' call a spade a spade.
We still managed to have a very nice Christmas however. Tess and I went over to Marshal and Kristina's and had a great time with them and Q. Tess and I went to see Avatar in IMAX 3D Christmas day, and it was awesome. Actually, one of the more relaxing holidays I've had in a long time.
I pray for my mom - that she gets some real help. Supposedly she is seeing a psychiatrist at the VA every Monday, but I have no faith that she will stick with it long enough to experience any true healing. We'll see though. Maybe we will all have a miracle, and she will finally do the one thing she has always avoided - take a long, hard look at herself, and take some time to deal with HER issues instead of everyone else's. Please Lord, let it be....
Yesterday, Sam met me down there, and we got all of the necessary forms files. hopefully, by next week, we will get some kind of decree so we can know that we are out of the woods for good - at least on this issue. I have to mention that I have been very impressed with Sam lately, and I really hope she stays sober. She has been very responsible, and we have been able to work together to get stuff done, which is very nice for a change. She is still hesitant about having the kids over until we know that results of the order we filed, and I can't blame her.
On a related note, Galen told me that he would actually like to come spend the next 4 or 5 days at home. I thought he must have some sort of hidden agenda, as he has been very cold to me lately. So I called him on it, and asked him why he REALLY wanted to come over. He said the he had made some bad decisions, and that he honestly wants to work on rebuilding our relationship. I told him that was agood enough for me, so he will be coming back with Tessi tonight to stay for awhile. I am still a little suspicious of his true motives, but I hope he proves me wrong.
I haven't heard anything from mom, although LoraLei did call Marshal last weekend (through Mom's manipulation, I'm sure) and told him that mom was suicidal and wasn't doing well. Marsh called me to see what I thought, and I told him that I didn't trust mom, that it was probably a manipulation of hers, and that I wasn't going to do anything. He decided to call her, and from what he told me after, he was left thinking that I was probably right - that it was just a manipulation technique of mom's. She ended up hanging up on him (surprise, right?).
I am basically done with her for some time. It is horrible - so horrible - to say, but I was actually thinking that if she offed herself, it might be the best thing for everyone, including her. She is just so jaded, spiteful, angry and fearful that I can't imagine she enjoys life very much. And I know that the misery she causes everyone else would not be missed. I would feel horrible if she ever read this, but like she always says - you gotta' call a spade a spade.
We still managed to have a very nice Christmas however. Tess and I went over to Marshal and Kristina's and had a great time with them and Q. Tess and I went to see Avatar in IMAX 3D Christmas day, and it was awesome. Actually, one of the more relaxing holidays I've had in a long time.
I pray for my mom - that she gets some real help. Supposedly she is seeing a psychiatrist at the VA every Monday, but I have no faith that she will stick with it long enough to experience any true healing. We'll see though. Maybe we will all have a miracle, and she will finally do the one thing she has always avoided - take a long, hard look at herself, and take some time to deal with HER issues instead of everyone else's. Please Lord, let it be....
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The return of Wandy
I guess it would be asking too much to think that we could actually have 2 good holidays in a row, and sure enough, mom decided to snap this last weekend and almost completely ruin Christmas for me and the kids. She has been freaking over the kids seeing Sam again - not so much Galen living over there, as she is still angry with him. But she has been outraged over the fact that I have been letting Tessi see her mom, and this weekend, she decided that if she couldn't control me, and make me do what she wanted, that she would take matters into her own hands.
So yesterday, after she basically threatened me the night before with calling CPS on me to report that I was in violation of a court order by allowing the kids to go over there, I decided to head down to Superior Court and see what I needed to do to cover my own butt in case she actually called CPS. While I was on the way to the court, Sam called and told me that indeed, someone had called and reported it to CPS, and that the kids could not spend any time with her until we got the court order modified. So that meant that not only could Tessi not see her mom for Christmas now, which she had really been looking forward to, it also meant that Galen could not stay with Sam at all. He is staying with Lora until we can get this all figured out, and Tessi is trying to deal with the fact that she cannot see her mom now.
I have let mom know that she it out of our life for good now. This was absolutely the last straw. To top things off, she came over to our place while we were at the court and took all of Tessi's presents back. I knew she was going to pull something like that, so I had stopped at Ace and picked up a new deadbolt, but I was already too late. How cruel and heartless does someone have to be to take presents away from a 9 year old girl? And for what - because she loves her mom? Does the fact that my mom hates Sam justify that action? I don't think so.
Of course there is another dimension to all this : the possiblity that I could have been arrested for violating a court order, or that Sam could have, or we both could have. Now it might have been an outside possibility, but still - the possibility was there. And to think that she did all this 5 days before Christmas - well, to me, that is just reprehensible. Although I can forgive her because I believe she is mentally ill, I do not have to keep allowing her into our lives so she can keep wreaking havoc. There has been a steady progression in the seriousness and destructive nature of her actions, and this one has crossed the line. I simply cannot allow her into our lives again - not until she has had some SERIOUS therapy and committed to truly changing.
Yesterday, she sent out an email around 3pm stating that she had gone to the VA and was getting into some counselling and also being presribed some medication. Of course Marshal and I have been BEGGING her for years to do this, but she has always preferred to focus on everyone else's problems. I think it is great that she is doing it, but for me, it is far too little, and way too late. Just the thought that she would squash Tessi's Christmas wishes of seeing her mom, take away all of her presents, and jeopardize my freedom, all 5 days before Christmas - it borders on the coldest, cruelest, most hainous act I have ever been witness to in our family, and I cannot tolerate any more of her hate filled vitriol and anger-inspired, destructive actions.
I almost allowed this all to create a rift between Marshal and me, as he sent an email stating that he did not agree with me letting Tessi see her mom either. But I called him last night and we worked everything out between us. We have basically agreed to disagree, and know that it is possible to still have a good relationship without agreeing on everything. I am grateful for that - she no longer has the power to pit Marshal and I against each other. So we are still going out to M&K's for Christmas Eve, and that should be fun. I am not sure about Christmas Day. Maybe Tess and I will go see Avatar or something. I honestly don't feel like going to Mike and Terri's, and we haven't really been invited anyway.
So now I have to get busy filling out all the paperwork and finding out what all I have to do to resolve this issue so the kids can see their mom. Galen texted me last night and said that he wants to stay with his mom for good, that he likes her parenting style better. Some people might expect that I would be hurt and upset by that, and I was a little bit, but not that much. He has changed a lot over the last year or 2, and it doesn't surprise me that he likes being with her more now. I don't think she is as tough on discipline, and she lets him see his girlfriend all the time, even letting him go to her house after school. I am not about to change the way I parent to make him happy, so it is probably best that he does stay there. And to be honest, Tessi and I have been getting along a lot better, and generally enjoying life without all the stress he created.
I am trying to maintain my serenity in all this, and though at times I have snapped (like Sunday night when mom wass threatening me) I think I have done a pretty good job altogether. I am hoping that Christmas Eve will be a fun time, and that we can get all this stuff resolved quickly so the kids can start seeing their mom again. I just don't have the hate towards Sam that my mom and brother do, and to this point, she has done a good job of meeting me on time, keeping her commitments on picking Tess up and bringing her back, and even gone out of her way to make it easy for me. The kids have said nothing that would cause me to believe that she is mistreating them, and Galen has actually been doing better with his grades.
May we all be blessed with wisdom, patience, understanding and compassion and be guided by the only the highest purposes during this holiday season.
So yesterday, after she basically threatened me the night before with calling CPS on me to report that I was in violation of a court order by allowing the kids to go over there, I decided to head down to Superior Court and see what I needed to do to cover my own butt in case she actually called CPS. While I was on the way to the court, Sam called and told me that indeed, someone had called and reported it to CPS, and that the kids could not spend any time with her until we got the court order modified. So that meant that not only could Tessi not see her mom for Christmas now, which she had really been looking forward to, it also meant that Galen could not stay with Sam at all. He is staying with Lora until we can get this all figured out, and Tessi is trying to deal with the fact that she cannot see her mom now.
I have let mom know that she it out of our life for good now. This was absolutely the last straw. To top things off, she came over to our place while we were at the court and took all of Tessi's presents back. I knew she was going to pull something like that, so I had stopped at Ace and picked up a new deadbolt, but I was already too late. How cruel and heartless does someone have to be to take presents away from a 9 year old girl? And for what - because she loves her mom? Does the fact that my mom hates Sam justify that action? I don't think so.
Of course there is another dimension to all this : the possiblity that I could have been arrested for violating a court order, or that Sam could have, or we both could have. Now it might have been an outside possibility, but still - the possibility was there. And to think that she did all this 5 days before Christmas - well, to me, that is just reprehensible. Although I can forgive her because I believe she is mentally ill, I do not have to keep allowing her into our lives so she can keep wreaking havoc. There has been a steady progression in the seriousness and destructive nature of her actions, and this one has crossed the line. I simply cannot allow her into our lives again - not until she has had some SERIOUS therapy and committed to truly changing.
Yesterday, she sent out an email around 3pm stating that she had gone to the VA and was getting into some counselling and also being presribed some medication. Of course Marshal and I have been BEGGING her for years to do this, but she has always preferred to focus on everyone else's problems. I think it is great that she is doing it, but for me, it is far too little, and way too late. Just the thought that she would squash Tessi's Christmas wishes of seeing her mom, take away all of her presents, and jeopardize my freedom, all 5 days before Christmas - it borders on the coldest, cruelest, most hainous act I have ever been witness to in our family, and I cannot tolerate any more of her hate filled vitriol and anger-inspired, destructive actions.
I almost allowed this all to create a rift between Marshal and me, as he sent an email stating that he did not agree with me letting Tessi see her mom either. But I called him last night and we worked everything out between us. We have basically agreed to disagree, and know that it is possible to still have a good relationship without agreeing on everything. I am grateful for that - she no longer has the power to pit Marshal and I against each other. So we are still going out to M&K's for Christmas Eve, and that should be fun. I am not sure about Christmas Day. Maybe Tess and I will go see Avatar or something. I honestly don't feel like going to Mike and Terri's, and we haven't really been invited anyway.
So now I have to get busy filling out all the paperwork and finding out what all I have to do to resolve this issue so the kids can see their mom. Galen texted me last night and said that he wants to stay with his mom for good, that he likes her parenting style better. Some people might expect that I would be hurt and upset by that, and I was a little bit, but not that much. He has changed a lot over the last year or 2, and it doesn't surprise me that he likes being with her more now. I don't think she is as tough on discipline, and she lets him see his girlfriend all the time, even letting him go to her house after school. I am not about to change the way I parent to make him happy, so it is probably best that he does stay there. And to be honest, Tessi and I have been getting along a lot better, and generally enjoying life without all the stress he created.
I am trying to maintain my serenity in all this, and though at times I have snapped (like Sunday night when mom wass threatening me) I think I have done a pretty good job altogether. I am hoping that Christmas Eve will be a fun time, and that we can get all this stuff resolved quickly so the kids can start seeing their mom again. I just don't have the hate towards Sam that my mom and brother do, and to this point, she has done a good job of meeting me on time, keeping her commitments on picking Tess up and bringing her back, and even gone out of her way to make it easy for me. The kids have said nothing that would cause me to believe that she is mistreating them, and Galen has actually been doing better with his grades.
May we all be blessed with wisdom, patience, understanding and compassion and be guided by the only the highest purposes during this holiday season.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Just like bad gas -
- it keeps coming back. Negative feelings that is. Of course, at least it is not full-on depression, and that is a blessing. Today, I did find myself in a bad mood however - and as a direct result of not following through with what I said I would (or, more appropriately, would not) do : I opened my piehole at a standards meeting, and was immediately shot down, as usual. You think I would learn, right? You think I would simply avoid the possibility of being shot down by just shutting my fucking mouth. But NO, I just have this compulsion to have my voice heard, no matter how insignificant the point.
And that, I think, is the root of my trouble - that I just want to hear myself talk to think I am important, because I know that whatever I say is not going to matter. I have not worked here that long, and unlike Adam, I don't appear to have that 'blazing IT intellect,' and I just don't feel that anyone really thinks I know anything worth listening to. Of course, I am sure it is not as bad as I make it out to be, but I sure end up thinking those thoughts more often than not during and after meetings.
Now, one might say, "But it's not good to just sit there quietly out of fear of being rejected/shot down." But why isn't it? If there is one thing I have learned more than anything in the corporate world, it is that even though they ask, most people don't really want other people's opinions. They already have their own idea of how something should be, or what is the "right way," and offering another opinion is seen as a challenge to their authority instead of an opportunity to exchange ideas. Of course, maybe it is me, and the way I present my thoughts. In any case, I am tired of changing jobs, and even though I said it before but failed to live up to it, this time, I am making a commitment to saying NOTHING at any of the meetings on the future - NOTHING! (TRIPPY - just as I wrote that word, James Hetfield spoke "Nothing," towards the end of 'King Nothing' on 98KUPD! Trip!) I think I have absolutely nothing to lose (nothing has ever come of any comment I have ever made at any meeting here), and a whole lot of serenity and peace to gain.
So, along with getting in shape, that is my new 'mental commitment' - to simply keep my mouth shut during meetings, unless asked something explicitly, at which point, I will try my best to simply say to the person asking, "I don't know - what do you think?" BAM! Off the hook, and no way to be shot down (at least none that I can see). I need to - I MUST - adhere to this commitment. It will be a good learning experience too - there is much to be learned from silence Here is my new motto, from the Bible of all places :
Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding - Proverbs 17:28
'Nuff said.
And that, I think, is the root of my trouble - that I just want to hear myself talk to think I am important, because I know that whatever I say is not going to matter. I have not worked here that long, and unlike Adam, I don't appear to have that 'blazing IT intellect,' and I just don't feel that anyone really thinks I know anything worth listening to. Of course, I am sure it is not as bad as I make it out to be, but I sure end up thinking those thoughts more often than not during and after meetings.
Now, one might say, "But it's not good to just sit there quietly out of fear of being rejected/shot down." But why isn't it? If there is one thing I have learned more than anything in the corporate world, it is that even though they ask, most people don't really want other people's opinions. They already have their own idea of how something should be, or what is the "right way," and offering another opinion is seen as a challenge to their authority instead of an opportunity to exchange ideas. Of course, maybe it is me, and the way I present my thoughts. In any case, I am tired of changing jobs, and even though I said it before but failed to live up to it, this time, I am making a commitment to saying NOTHING at any of the meetings on the future - NOTHING! (TRIPPY - just as I wrote that word, James Hetfield spoke "Nothing," towards the end of 'King Nothing' on 98KUPD! Trip!) I think I have absolutely nothing to lose (nothing has ever come of any comment I have ever made at any meeting here), and a whole lot of serenity and peace to gain.
So, along with getting in shape, that is my new 'mental commitment' - to simply keep my mouth shut during meetings, unless asked something explicitly, at which point, I will try my best to simply say to the person asking, "I don't know - what do you think?" BAM! Off the hook, and no way to be shot down (at least none that I can see). I need to - I MUST - adhere to this commitment. It will be a good learning experience too - there is much to be learned from silence Here is my new motto, from the Bible of all places :
Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding - Proverbs 17:28
'Nuff said.
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