I just got off the phone with Mom, and it was pretty obvious that she had been crying and was upset. I knew it was going to be tough on her losing Charlie. Unfortunately, because of the way she is and the obstacles that are already present in our relationship, it is difficult to offer any real consolation or comfort to her when she is like this because she gets so defensive and abrupt. She had asked me earlier this week if I would like to go out and see Kristy (Kane) 's new baby, and I said I thought that would be a good idea. Well, when Kristy didn't answer the phone last night, or call Mom back immediately, she immediately thought that meant that Kristy didn't want us to come out, so she called Marshal and started making plans for me and Galen to go out and see him - catch that? Plans for ME AND GALEN.
So when I talked to her just now, she wanted to know if I thought if it was a good idea for Galen and I to spend some time together doing 'guy stuff'' with Marshal. I told her that if Kristy didn't call back, that yes, I thought it might be a good idea and that I would think about it. She seemed to think that I was flat out rejecting the idea, and started getting defensive, explaining how she just thought it might be good for Galen and I to spend some time together, and I explained that I agreed, and that I would consider that, IF we ended up not going to Kristy's. But, as so often happens with Mom, and gets even worse when she is upset, it was like we were speaking different languages, and all she heard was "I don't want to do that - it's not a good idea." So she started to get more defensive, subtly stating that she should just 'keep her nose out of stuff.' Ugh. I get SOOOO tired of going through this with her.
So I told her, again, that YES, I thought that would be a good idea, IF Kristy indeed did not really want us to come out. But that I thought it would be rude and inconsiderate of me NOT to go see Kristy and the baby if she DID want us to come out. If she DIDN'T, then I thought it MIGHT be a good idea to do something with Galen and Marshal, but that I COULD NOT commit to that until I knew FOR SURE what was going on with Kristy. Well, I think she finally got it, because she repeated exaclty that to me, and then proceeded to pretty much click me off. Yeah. Fun stuff.
And now I am wondering how in the hell this is going to work, with both of us begin depressed at the same time. In the past when this has happened, things don't go well at all. She, and proably I too, gets very defensive, and takes everything as an indictment of her. When I am down myself, I usually lose all sense of caring, and say something to the effect of "whatever," which just serves to piss her off even more. And so the cycle of fun begins.
Fortunately, I have an appt. with my counsellor today, because I am not really sure how I am going to handle all this. I am really not in the mood, or emotional shape, to deal with her right now. It seems that so much of my time in therapy or counselling has been spent on how to get along with her, get over her emotional abuse, get beyond her stinging remarks and controlling manipulation - I am just tired of her hijacking every attempt to get mentally healthy that I have ever made.
I think her condition only increases my level of hopelessness. I am beginning to see clearly that she really will never change. She may go through brief periods of 'sanity,' but they will always be followed by relapses into her old ways - sometimes brought on my major events such as putting Charlie down, and sometimes by unforeseen or unknowable events that only she knows. In any case, it sure makes it hard to maintain any real happiness - at least for me. Perhaps I will find a way yet, but for today, the outlook is cloudy.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
More sad news - Rest in Peace Charlie Brown
I went over and saw Mom last night, as she had told me that she has come to the decision to put Charlie Brown down. He has had blood in his urine for a while now, and Mom had taken him into the vet to find out what was wrong. They seem to think that he might have some kind of tumor, and it is causing him to be unable to pee. From what mom said, he hasn't had a good urinary movement in some time now. So, rather than let him suffer with the pain of having the urine back up into his kidneys and poison his whole system, Mom had decided to put him down. She asked if I would come over and see him last night to see what I thought, and to say goodbye.
I could tell by looking at him that he wasn't feeling well at all. He just wasn't himself. I sat down on the floor, and typically whenever I do that, he is right there, hamming it up and laying in my lap so he can get a full-on belly rubber. But instead, he sat in front of me, looking uncomfortable, as if there was no position that would offer relief. I sat on the couch with him for awhile, and tried to get him to give me kisses, but he would not; it was as if he was saying goodbye, and didn't want to make it any harder. He has never, ever gone without giving me kisses - but he did last night. We took some pictures for posterity, and Mom said that she would probably take him in today to have him put down.
I know it is going to be devastating to Mom. She and Charlie have been best buds since we moved out in 2006, and she really loved that little dog. And to be honest, who didn't? He truly was the best behaved, best mannered, most loving and loveable dog I have ever know - a true one of a kind. I am not sure how Mom is going to cope - this has been such a hard year for her. First, a good friend's daugther is killed in a car accident. Then, her aunt comes down with cancer. Now, her best friend is going to go away. And this is all on top of Dad, Karen, Sharon (mom's friend), and Desi dying in the last 3 years.
I am sad too, but not as much as Mom is. I think I have really taken my new philosophy to heart, and perhaps I will come off as being a cold person. But I need to do what I need to do to survive, and not go insane or kill myself. And so it seems that this is the lesser of 2 evils for me. I am becoming that which I always detested - again. It seems that this is not the first time that I have written these words.
I will truly miss my little Boo Boo, and I know that this world is losing a little bit more of what made it bearable today - at least for me, and I suspect, my Mom. We must go on, but we will never forget you Charlie Brown. Thanks for sharing yourself with us - may we meet again someday...
I could tell by looking at him that he wasn't feeling well at all. He just wasn't himself. I sat down on the floor, and typically whenever I do that, he is right there, hamming it up and laying in my lap so he can get a full-on belly rubber. But instead, he sat in front of me, looking uncomfortable, as if there was no position that would offer relief. I sat on the couch with him for awhile, and tried to get him to give me kisses, but he would not; it was as if he was saying goodbye, and didn't want to make it any harder. He has never, ever gone without giving me kisses - but he did last night. We took some pictures for posterity, and Mom said that she would probably take him in today to have him put down.
I know it is going to be devastating to Mom. She and Charlie have been best buds since we moved out in 2006, and she really loved that little dog. And to be honest, who didn't? He truly was the best behaved, best mannered, most loving and loveable dog I have ever know - a true one of a kind. I am not sure how Mom is going to cope - this has been such a hard year for her. First, a good friend's daugther is killed in a car accident. Then, her aunt comes down with cancer. Now, her best friend is going to go away. And this is all on top of Dad, Karen, Sharon (mom's friend), and Desi dying in the last 3 years.
I am sad too, but not as much as Mom is. I think I have really taken my new philosophy to heart, and perhaps I will come off as being a cold person. But I need to do what I need to do to survive, and not go insane or kill myself. And so it seems that this is the lesser of 2 evils for me. I am becoming that which I always detested - again. It seems that this is not the first time that I have written these words.
I will truly miss my little Boo Boo, and I know that this world is losing a little bit more of what made it bearable today - at least for me, and I suspect, my Mom. We must go on, but we will never forget you Charlie Brown. Thanks for sharing yourself with us - may we meet again someday...
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Happiness sucks
I think I may have finally figured out the key to avoiding these deep depressions - it is to never be happy in the first place. I mean, if one is never happy, then when something bad happens, or a tragedy strikes, or a big letdown happens, it's not some big swing from one emotion to the other, right? The person is already unhappy, so perhaps there is an increase in the unhappiness, but there is not that feeling of loss, or regret - that the person had something, and lost it, or it was taken away. The happiness was never there to begin with, so all that has happened is the increase of something they already have.
This probably sounds very nihilistic, and to be honest, I guess it is somewhat. But I am seriously considering this philosophy as a way out of my deep, deep depressions. I don't want to keep coming back to feeling this way. I have been severely depressed for going on 5 days now, and I fear that the horrible cycle will never end - unless I do something to end it. And while checking out permanently has looked very appealing for the last week, I am looking into different options. One of those was to undergo a symbolic death, and I have already put that plan into motion. I am basically going to be dead to anyone and everyone I have met in the program for the last 6 years, and I am going to quit going to all the meetings I was going to. I also quit the bowling league I was on. So basically, outside of work and family, I will be dead to everyone else.
And this second part is the death of my hope for happiness. I am going to give up hope that I will ever find any kind of happiness, and even give up the concept itself. I think all it has done is delude me into thinking that someday, something would happen, and I would be truly happy - I would find a good woman, my mom would get some real help, my kids would be happy and successful - but none of those things may ever happen. And Lord knows I will probably never be happy with who I am. So how about instead of trying to be happy, I just give up altogether? I mean, what do I have to lose anyway? I have no real friends. I have no girlfriend or partner. My kids are stuck with me no matter how I am, and if I am never happy to begin with, maybe I won't get so angry when they make me (more) unhappy. And I can fake it well enough at work. Fortunately, I work in a career where I can spend 7 out of 8 hours staring at a computer screen and don't have to interact with people anyway.
So there it is - the "Philosophy of Kevin : Happiness is unattainable, and seeking it only causes misery. Therefore, the seeking of happiness is to be avoided, as is the belief that it is real at all." Just another bullshit fairytale - that's all it is, and all it will ever be.
This probably sounds very nihilistic, and to be honest, I guess it is somewhat. But I am seriously considering this philosophy as a way out of my deep, deep depressions. I don't want to keep coming back to feeling this way. I have been severely depressed for going on 5 days now, and I fear that the horrible cycle will never end - unless I do something to end it. And while checking out permanently has looked very appealing for the last week, I am looking into different options. One of those was to undergo a symbolic death, and I have already put that plan into motion. I am basically going to be dead to anyone and everyone I have met in the program for the last 6 years, and I am going to quit going to all the meetings I was going to. I also quit the bowling league I was on. So basically, outside of work and family, I will be dead to everyone else.
And this second part is the death of my hope for happiness. I am going to give up hope that I will ever find any kind of happiness, and even give up the concept itself. I think all it has done is delude me into thinking that someday, something would happen, and I would be truly happy - I would find a good woman, my mom would get some real help, my kids would be happy and successful - but none of those things may ever happen. And Lord knows I will probably never be happy with who I am. So how about instead of trying to be happy, I just give up altogether? I mean, what do I have to lose anyway? I have no real friends. I have no girlfriend or partner. My kids are stuck with me no matter how I am, and if I am never happy to begin with, maybe I won't get so angry when they make me (more) unhappy. And I can fake it well enough at work. Fortunately, I work in a career where I can spend 7 out of 8 hours staring at a computer screen and don't have to interact with people anyway.
So there it is - the "Philosophy of Kevin : Happiness is unattainable, and seeking it only causes misery. Therefore, the seeking of happiness is to be avoided, as is the belief that it is real at all." Just another bullshit fairytale - that's all it is, and all it will ever be.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Suffering
I took the day off yesterday (PTO) and finished wrapping up all the treasury duties, made a final deposit, and dropped the box of stuff off at Crossroads. I closed the book on that chapter of my life completely. I got several emails from homegroup members asking about how I was doing, and to most I replied kindly that I was just tired of feeling alone in a room of people. To a few others (well, really just one I guess - Stephanie) I sent a somewhat coarser reply, stating that I found it hard to believe that she cared about me as a person when it seemed as though she had never really even acknowledged my existence. She pointed out that we had had "several chats, in and out of the rooms," which I dispute, but it doesn't matter anymore anyway - I am done with that group and everyone in it for awhile, maybe forever.
So today I come into work, and there are messages on my phone and in my inbox about the app I built (modified) for the Better Together campaign. Supposedly, several people were trying to enter donations yesterday, and it wasn't working, costing potentially several donations, as people were trying and trying, couldn't get it to work, got frustrated, and just gave up. Now I couldn't help but be upset about this, and I automatically went into anger, thinking "Yeah, right - now I will get shit on for this fucking app after getting it to PROD in 1 month instead of the 3 it should have taken." I tested it out, and wasn't able to reproduce the error, and so I felt like I was pretty much flat out fucked. I talked to the lady running the campaign, Camille, and I am sure she could hear the despondence in my voice. I talked it over with her, and then with Al, and we all seemed to agree that it was probably a user education issue. So the decision was made to make the error messages more visible - easy enough - and add some verbiage instructing the user about entering something in each of the fields.
That was all before lunch. So then, we are walking over the cafeteria, and as we approach the doors to the east lobby, lo and behold - who do I see sitting there on the waiting bench? Good ol' Sam herself, with her newest baby in a carrier beside her. She was busy talking on her phone and I am pretty sure she didn't see me, but my heart sunk, and I felt like I was having a panic attack. I wanted to badly to go over to her and say, "So, another one hunh? Are you ever going to pay attention to the first 2? They could really use some kind of mother in their life." But I thought it through, and decided that it wasn't the time, or place, to do it. I was pretty damn embarassed actually, and I sure didn't want anyone from Banner to see her and find out she was my ex. I also didn't want to risk getting in some kind of confrontation or yelling match with her, only to have my director or someone else from Banner see it all. So I just kept walking.
It was pretty hard to eat lunch and to have any kind of conversation with anyone. In fact, I left the cafeteria early, thinking I might see her again on the way out. But I definitely did not want her to see me. Well, as I walked out the door, I turned to look at the bench, and to my relief, she was gone. When I got back to my desk, I had an email that Jennifer (my bosses boss) had forwarded to the whole team, from Camille, gushing about what a great asset I have been to the project and what-not. It was a very complimentary - almost too complimentary - email, and I send Camille an email thanking her and joking that it would be hard for me to live up to that now.
And one might think that I would feel much better now. But I don't. I am just as depressed as ever. I did get about a 2 minute feeling of satisfaction from the email, but that was about it. I instantly went to thinking that Jennifer will never actually say anything to me, and it will just slowly fade away like all things do; a nice gesture by Camille for sure, but I fear more of a "throw the dog a bone" than genuine appreciation of efforts. It was only after I got a little upset and despondent that she sent it. Of course, this is all being colored by my shit colored glasses right now, so I'm sure my perception of it all is warped.
I think this is the longest I have ever gone being this depressed, and definitely have come closer than I ever have before to killing myself. Perhaps this is all "prep work" for that glorious day when I'm gone, and don't have to be here anymore : cutting off all contacts, walking away from all the AA/CA/whatever A groups, not answering my phone, withdrawing into myself. I think the thing is I just don't WANT to be happy anymore. It never works anyway. I know from experience that having a woman doesn't help, and I don't give a shit if I have one now or not. I know that my children don't make me happy. I expect way too much from them and feel that nothing I do for/with them matters anyway. Nothing matters. Nothing is permanent. Suffering is all there really is.
So today I come into work, and there are messages on my phone and in my inbox about the app I built (modified) for the Better Together campaign. Supposedly, several people were trying to enter donations yesterday, and it wasn't working, costing potentially several donations, as people were trying and trying, couldn't get it to work, got frustrated, and just gave up. Now I couldn't help but be upset about this, and I automatically went into anger, thinking "Yeah, right - now I will get shit on for this fucking app after getting it to PROD in 1 month instead of the 3 it should have taken." I tested it out, and wasn't able to reproduce the error, and so I felt like I was pretty much flat out fucked. I talked to the lady running the campaign, Camille, and I am sure she could hear the despondence in my voice. I talked it over with her, and then with Al, and we all seemed to agree that it was probably a user education issue. So the decision was made to make the error messages more visible - easy enough - and add some verbiage instructing the user about entering something in each of the fields.
That was all before lunch. So then, we are walking over the cafeteria, and as we approach the doors to the east lobby, lo and behold - who do I see sitting there on the waiting bench? Good ol' Sam herself, with her newest baby in a carrier beside her. She was busy talking on her phone and I am pretty sure she didn't see me, but my heart sunk, and I felt like I was having a panic attack. I wanted to badly to go over to her and say, "So, another one hunh? Are you ever going to pay attention to the first 2? They could really use some kind of mother in their life." But I thought it through, and decided that it wasn't the time, or place, to do it. I was pretty damn embarassed actually, and I sure didn't want anyone from Banner to see her and find out she was my ex. I also didn't want to risk getting in some kind of confrontation or yelling match with her, only to have my director or someone else from Banner see it all. So I just kept walking.
It was pretty hard to eat lunch and to have any kind of conversation with anyone. In fact, I left the cafeteria early, thinking I might see her again on the way out. But I definitely did not want her to see me. Well, as I walked out the door, I turned to look at the bench, and to my relief, she was gone. When I got back to my desk, I had an email that Jennifer (my bosses boss) had forwarded to the whole team, from Camille, gushing about what a great asset I have been to the project and what-not. It was a very complimentary - almost too complimentary - email, and I send Camille an email thanking her and joking that it would be hard for me to live up to that now.
And one might think that I would feel much better now. But I don't. I am just as depressed as ever. I did get about a 2 minute feeling of satisfaction from the email, but that was about it. I instantly went to thinking that Jennifer will never actually say anything to me, and it will just slowly fade away like all things do; a nice gesture by Camille for sure, but I fear more of a "throw the dog a bone" than genuine appreciation of efforts. It was only after I got a little upset and despondent that she sent it. Of course, this is all being colored by my shit colored glasses right now, so I'm sure my perception of it all is warped.
I think this is the longest I have ever gone being this depressed, and definitely have come closer than I ever have before to killing myself. Perhaps this is all "prep work" for that glorious day when I'm gone, and don't have to be here anymore : cutting off all contacts, walking away from all the AA/CA/whatever A groups, not answering my phone, withdrawing into myself. I think the thing is I just don't WANT to be happy anymore. It never works anyway. I know from experience that having a woman doesn't help, and I don't give a shit if I have one now or not. I know that my children don't make me happy. I expect way too much from them and feel that nothing I do for/with them matters anyway. Nothing matters. Nothing is permanent. Suffering is all there really is.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Change in scenery
The past week or 2 have been pretty rough for me, trying to deal with Galen's behavioral and educational issues. I had a meeting with his assistant principal and him yesterday, and he is going to be helping me by checking that Galen is doing his schoolwork and having Galen spend his lunch hours with him instead of hanging out with his wonderful "friends." I am very grateful that this man is offering his time and attention to help out, because honestly, I feel like I am at the end of my rope with him. It seems I have tried everything, and nothing has worked. I am ready to just throw in the towel and sneak away to Mexico in the middle of the night or something.
At times like this in the past, I have sought refuge in the program, in the meetings of AA or CA, especially the ones I frequent. But over the last few weeks, I have grown disillusioned and dissatisifed with those meetings and the people in them. I went to the Friday night meeting last week, and was attempting to share, but it seemed that almost everyone was completely ignoring me. As has happened so often in the past, Kurt found it more important to visit with Jim about something, and that of course distracted a number of the other people. I paused, to give them time to finish, and as if to say, "Ok, I am going to share now." But Jim, Kurt, and a couple of others didn't really seem to care, and kept ignoring me. So, I simply passed, thinking that I really didn't need to share with all of them anyway, as I had already seen Diana on Wednesday that week and shared with her. Perhaps they are tired of hearing my talk about my problems with my kids, and they are justified in their actions. But the disrespect - and even more so, apparent lack of caring or compassion - really stung, and I don't think I will be going back to that meeting for some time, if ever.
Yesterday, after meeting with Mr. Nievez (the asst. principal) I was very upset; upset that it had come to this, and upset to think that nothing I did seemed to work, and that it seemed like Galen didn't care about me one lick. So when I got home, I was on a short fuse, and all it took was me lecturing Tessi about the cat litter and feeding, and her being a smarty pants and replying "Ok, ok, ok" to everything I said to set me off. I stormed out at about 5pm and thought I would go to my homegroup meeting at Crossroads (not the actual monthly meeting, just the regular Tuesday night meeting) and that I would probably see my sponsor there, and I could talk to him about how I was feeling. But when I got there, and shared with him a little bit, it was as if either he didn't care, he didn't know what to say, or he couldn't see how upset I really was. I ended up leaving shortly after the meeting began, as I was having a VERY strong urge to cut myself - to just lay my throat open and end it all. And it was much stronger that it has ever been before - I would call it more of a compulsion.
And it wasn't so much a "Bleh heh! I'll show you!" It was just a very real compulsion to commit the physical act, to put the knife to the skin, to feel the cut, to see the blood go out, to experience the loss of consciousness, and then death. I went to a parking lot, and considered calling a suicide hotline. I considered just heading north in my truck and never coming back. I considered driving 80 miles an hour into a telephone pole with no seatbelt. But more that all that, I was just craving the feeling of that knife on my skin. So I did the only other thing I knew to do, and I called my therapist, Diana, and left a message telling her what was going on. God bless her, she called me back shortly after and said I could go in to see her at 8:30. In the time between (about 2 hours) I basically drove from parking lot to parking lot fighting the urge to slit my throat.
I had the appt. with, and even though I initially didn't want to do EMDR, that's what we did for the entire time, albeit in a different manner, one in which I was able to speak the whole time. And I think it did help. I felt more calm after I left, and somewhat more hopeful. But I was still rather despondent, and after getting home and telling the kids that they were driving me to the looney bin, I went to bed - but still, the urge to cut was there, and as strong as ever. And so, I did something I have never done before : I got my knife out, and made several cuts across my left leg. At first, I made about 8 cuts, none of them too deep, but enough to draw a tiny amount of blood. But that was not satisfying, so I made a few more that were a little deeper, and actually tried to make one that was very deep, cutting across a cut that I had already made. It still didn't go as deep as I wanted, and didn't bleed all that much, but it seemed to finally relieve the compulsion, and I was able to go to sleep.
Today, I am still not in the best of moods, but I am here at work, and I really like my job. I think I am needed, wanted, and appreciated here, and for me, that is very important. I think that I am good at what I do and successful, which is more than I can say for any other area of my life, including parenting, romantic or other relationships, bowling, anything really. And so I am thankful to have this job. It, along with my therapist (thank GOD for her) have become my refuge. The program, I think I am going to walk away from it for awhile - at least as I have been experiencing it. Perhaps I will do some Al Anon, or maybe CMA meetings, but I am done with the meetings I have been doing for awhile. They just aren't working for me, and I don't want what the people in those meetings have, at least not most of them.
As far as the cutting goes - well, I'm not sure what to think about it. I know that it relieved my compulsion to do something worse, so perhaps that is a good thing. Will I do it again? Who knows. I know some mystics and ascetics practice mortification of the flesh, and perhaps this is my own incarnation of that practice. I don't really know. It is interesting though, as is life itself. I just keep pluggin' away, doing whatever it takes to stay sober and alive. And if that means cutting myself up a little bit, then so be it. Whatever works.
At times like this in the past, I have sought refuge in the program, in the meetings of AA or CA, especially the ones I frequent. But over the last few weeks, I have grown disillusioned and dissatisifed with those meetings and the people in them. I went to the Friday night meeting last week, and was attempting to share, but it seemed that almost everyone was completely ignoring me. As has happened so often in the past, Kurt found it more important to visit with Jim about something, and that of course distracted a number of the other people. I paused, to give them time to finish, and as if to say, "Ok, I am going to share now." But Jim, Kurt, and a couple of others didn't really seem to care, and kept ignoring me. So, I simply passed, thinking that I really didn't need to share with all of them anyway, as I had already seen Diana on Wednesday that week and shared with her. Perhaps they are tired of hearing my talk about my problems with my kids, and they are justified in their actions. But the disrespect - and even more so, apparent lack of caring or compassion - really stung, and I don't think I will be going back to that meeting for some time, if ever.
Yesterday, after meeting with Mr. Nievez (the asst. principal) I was very upset; upset that it had come to this, and upset to think that nothing I did seemed to work, and that it seemed like Galen didn't care about me one lick. So when I got home, I was on a short fuse, and all it took was me lecturing Tessi about the cat litter and feeding, and her being a smarty pants and replying "Ok, ok, ok" to everything I said to set me off. I stormed out at about 5pm and thought I would go to my homegroup meeting at Crossroads (not the actual monthly meeting, just the regular Tuesday night meeting) and that I would probably see my sponsor there, and I could talk to him about how I was feeling. But when I got there, and shared with him a little bit, it was as if either he didn't care, he didn't know what to say, or he couldn't see how upset I really was. I ended up leaving shortly after the meeting began, as I was having a VERY strong urge to cut myself - to just lay my throat open and end it all. And it was much stronger that it has ever been before - I would call it more of a compulsion.
And it wasn't so much a "Bleh heh! I'll show you!" It was just a very real compulsion to commit the physical act, to put the knife to the skin, to feel the cut, to see the blood go out, to experience the loss of consciousness, and then death. I went to a parking lot, and considered calling a suicide hotline. I considered just heading north in my truck and never coming back. I considered driving 80 miles an hour into a telephone pole with no seatbelt. But more that all that, I was just craving the feeling of that knife on my skin. So I did the only other thing I knew to do, and I called my therapist, Diana, and left a message telling her what was going on. God bless her, she called me back shortly after and said I could go in to see her at 8:30. In the time between (about 2 hours) I basically drove from parking lot to parking lot fighting the urge to slit my throat.
I had the appt. with, and even though I initially didn't want to do EMDR, that's what we did for the entire time, albeit in a different manner, one in which I was able to speak the whole time. And I think it did help. I felt more calm after I left, and somewhat more hopeful. But I was still rather despondent, and after getting home and telling the kids that they were driving me to the looney bin, I went to bed - but still, the urge to cut was there, and as strong as ever. And so, I did something I have never done before : I got my knife out, and made several cuts across my left leg. At first, I made about 8 cuts, none of them too deep, but enough to draw a tiny amount of blood. But that was not satisfying, so I made a few more that were a little deeper, and actually tried to make one that was very deep, cutting across a cut that I had already made. It still didn't go as deep as I wanted, and didn't bleed all that much, but it seemed to finally relieve the compulsion, and I was able to go to sleep.
Today, I am still not in the best of moods, but I am here at work, and I really like my job. I think I am needed, wanted, and appreciated here, and for me, that is very important. I think that I am good at what I do and successful, which is more than I can say for any other area of my life, including parenting, romantic or other relationships, bowling, anything really. And so I am thankful to have this job. It, along with my therapist (thank GOD for her) have become my refuge. The program, I think I am going to walk away from it for awhile - at least as I have been experiencing it. Perhaps I will do some Al Anon, or maybe CMA meetings, but I am done with the meetings I have been doing for awhile. They just aren't working for me, and I don't want what the people in those meetings have, at least not most of them.
As far as the cutting goes - well, I'm not sure what to think about it. I know that it relieved my compulsion to do something worse, so perhaps that is a good thing. Will I do it again? Who knows. I know some mystics and ascetics practice mortification of the flesh, and perhaps this is my own incarnation of that practice. I don't really know. It is interesting though, as is life itself. I just keep pluggin' away, doing whatever it takes to stay sober and alive. And if that means cutting myself up a little bit, then so be it. Whatever works.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Not gonna' go there this time
Well, just when I thought I had gotten into a place of real acceptance about being single and was feeling pretty good about it, something comes out of the blue to change that. Maybe. Anyway, when I was going to DeVry, I got to know the lady who was the Student Services coordinator pretty well. Her name was Stephanie, and she was a very pretty, petite, polite woman that I quickly developed a strong attraction to. Of course she was married, and so I did my best to be respectful of that. Although we did go out to lunch one day at David Kwan's Chinese Buffet, and I proceeded to reveal the fact that I felt that I was falling in love with her. She took it like a real trooper, and even though things were a little awkward between us after that, they weren't as bad as I might have thought they would be.
Fast forward to yesterday. I found Steph's profile on FB a couple of weeks ago, and thought it was curious that she listed her relationship status as "in a relationship" instead of married. I investigated a little more, and noticed that there was no male figure in any of the pictures on her profile - just her, and pics of her 2 kids. Of course my mind starting humming, thinking maybe she had gotten divorced - boo yahhh! So I sent her off what I am sure was a very thinly veiled excuse to find out. Last night I got a message back from her to find out that indeed, she is divorced, but that she ids dating someone. Shit - missed again. That's what I'm thinking.
But, never one to just give up, I sent her a message back stating that if things didn't work out with her current relationship, I would love the opportunity to take her out to dinner. Now I am sure that, first of all, she probably thinks I am some desperate, lovelorn kook (which isn't really too far from the truth I guess!) and wouldn't go on a date with me even if she was single. Secondly, she is probably dating some guy who has a lot more to offer - with less "accessories" - than I do, and there is no way she would give that up for me, or someone like me. And lastly, she probably didn't find me attractive in that way, and doesn't now. So even if the 'stars were all aligned properly', i.e. I had no kids, I was well off, I was a more confident, secure person - she still wouldn't date me. Wow - there's a breath of sunshine up your ass, hunh?!?!?
So what does this all mean? Well, I could get all derailed from my newfound happiness and start obsessing on this new situation, getting down on myself because once again, I have/will "lose out"; once again, the possibility that the Cinderella story, the Lady and the Tramp, the Sleepless in Seattle story will remain just a fading dream, and I will remain single for some unspecified length of time, while the guy that Stephanie is dating enjoys the presence of the woman that should be mine. Geez, I am even making my own stomach turn with all that crizzapp!
OR, I could remind myself of the Buddhist teachings I have beens studying over the last few years, and remind myself that attachment to my desires is suffering. The amount that I suffer over this is ultimately up to me, and how important it is for me to retain my attachment to that "Sleepless in Seattle" dream. How is that dream benefitting me today? Is it worth retaining my attachment to it? For so many years, that dream was my "ace in the hole," my saving grace, my only hope of happiness in this life.
But I have grown as a person since then, and as I have studied the dharma more and more, I have come to realize that my salvation is right here, in this moment, and independent of anyone else. There is suffering, and attachment to my desires is the cause of that suffering. There is also cessation of suffering, and in knowing that, I can decide to let go of those attachments, and with them, the suffering too. And so that is what I am working on today. Because I have decided that I would rather be free of the suffering, and the causes of suffering, than experience some temporary bliss that will be unreal and impermanent anyway. I think I really am becoming a true student of the dharma, and I am so grateful for that. It is offering me a chance to see that the suffering is real - but that there is a path that leads to cessation of suffering. And that is my new dream - to walk that path and find the true freedom my spirit craves.
Fast forward to yesterday. I found Steph's profile on FB a couple of weeks ago, and thought it was curious that she listed her relationship status as "in a relationship" instead of married. I investigated a little more, and noticed that there was no male figure in any of the pictures on her profile - just her, and pics of her 2 kids. Of course my mind starting humming, thinking maybe she had gotten divorced - boo yahhh! So I sent her off what I am sure was a very thinly veiled excuse to find out. Last night I got a message back from her to find out that indeed, she is divorced, but that she ids dating someone. Shit - missed again. That's what I'm thinking.
But, never one to just give up, I sent her a message back stating that if things didn't work out with her current relationship, I would love the opportunity to take her out to dinner. Now I am sure that, first of all, she probably thinks I am some desperate, lovelorn kook (which isn't really too far from the truth I guess!) and wouldn't go on a date with me even if she was single. Secondly, she is probably dating some guy who has a lot more to offer - with less "accessories" - than I do, and there is no way she would give that up for me, or someone like me. And lastly, she probably didn't find me attractive in that way, and doesn't now. So even if the 'stars were all aligned properly', i.e. I had no kids, I was well off, I was a more confident, secure person - she still wouldn't date me. Wow - there's a breath of sunshine up your ass, hunh?!?!?
So what does this all mean? Well, I could get all derailed from my newfound happiness and start obsessing on this new situation, getting down on myself because once again, I have/will "lose out"; once again, the possibility that the Cinderella story, the Lady and the Tramp, the Sleepless in Seattle story will remain just a fading dream, and I will remain single for some unspecified length of time, while the guy that Stephanie is dating enjoys the presence of the woman that should be mine. Geez, I am even making my own stomach turn with all that crizzapp!
OR, I could remind myself of the Buddhist teachings I have beens studying over the last few years, and remind myself that attachment to my desires is suffering. The amount that I suffer over this is ultimately up to me, and how important it is for me to retain my attachment to that "Sleepless in Seattle" dream. How is that dream benefitting me today? Is it worth retaining my attachment to it? For so many years, that dream was my "ace in the hole," my saving grace, my only hope of happiness in this life.
But I have grown as a person since then, and as I have studied the dharma more and more, I have come to realize that my salvation is right here, in this moment, and independent of anyone else. There is suffering, and attachment to my desires is the cause of that suffering. There is also cessation of suffering, and in knowing that, I can decide to let go of those attachments, and with them, the suffering too. And so that is what I am working on today. Because I have decided that I would rather be free of the suffering, and the causes of suffering, than experience some temporary bliss that will be unreal and impermanent anyway. I think I really am becoming a true student of the dharma, and I am so grateful for that. It is offering me a chance to see that the suffering is real - but that there is a path that leads to cessation of suffering. And that is my new dream - to walk that path and find the true freedom my spirit craves.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
What a difference a day makes
Wow, it is so funny how the slightest mistake in perception can TOTALLY change the meaning of an event, and hence all the feelings about that event. I had written yesterday about how Randall had "made fun" of me after bowling Sunday night, sending me into a spiral of anger and resentment. So I sent Randall an email yesterday stating that I would not be at bowling this next week and that I would not be returning next season. I was basically writing off not only bowling, but the Friday night meeting as well. My anger had snowballed, and was consuming every "Randall related" thing in its path.
After I sent the email, I got a text from Randall saying "can we please talk after you get off work?" I replied that yes, we could, at about 5pm. So he calls at 5, and at first, I don't even want to answer, because by this time I have come home and one of the kids has made some new demand of me, sending me over the edge, and I am SUPER pissed. Well, mom called, and we talked for a bit, and I settled down. So I actually did the right thing - the thing I would NEVER have done before I got some recovery - and I called Randall - to find out that the WHOLE even was a total misunderstanding, and that I had taken what he did as directed towards ME when it wasn't at all. Turns out he was referring to Keith and Jim's team, as they were complaining about the way handicap was done, and it JUST HAPPENED to come out of his mouth (the whole 'Waaaahhhh' thing) at the same exact time that I had just finished telling Sally how I had been trying to improve my game for the last 6 years, and couldn't. In fact, Randall was in total shick that I was so mad, because he didn't make the connection I had made, and so had no idea why I was even mad. Wow - timing really is everything.
So, after a nice talk with him, I decided that the real issue was not him, or even the fact that my bowling scores had dropped off a cliff. What was really happening was that the kids were arguing and fighting before bowling had even started, with Galen making fun of Tessi, and Tessi bawling about it, and I was upset from the get-go. I have decided that instead of quitting bowling, which I really do enjoy when I can keep my ego out of it, I am going to stop taking either one of them. That is my time, for me to do something fun for ME. And inevitably, if one or both of them come, it ends up not being fun or relaxing for me at all. Hence the stress, and probably the lower scores too. I will be curious to see how I do once they stop coming.
The best part of all this is that I overcame some past behavioral patterns, and instead of just isolating, ignoring Randall's calls, and allowing the anger to build even more, I did the right thing : I confronted the issue (or delusion, as it turned out) head on, and called Randall to talk about it. I was able to "make amends quickly" just like the 10th step says, and to preserver both a friendship, as well as what has become a way of life, or at least enjoyable tradition, for myself. And for that, I am extremely grateful. It is so cool to actually see the principles working in my life. Now today, my DBA (Steph) is all pissy for some reason - another opportunity for learning I guess. Progress, not perfection, right?!?!?
After I sent the email, I got a text from Randall saying "can we please talk after you get off work?" I replied that yes, we could, at about 5pm. So he calls at 5, and at first, I don't even want to answer, because by this time I have come home and one of the kids has made some new demand of me, sending me over the edge, and I am SUPER pissed. Well, mom called, and we talked for a bit, and I settled down. So I actually did the right thing - the thing I would NEVER have done before I got some recovery - and I called Randall - to find out that the WHOLE even was a total misunderstanding, and that I had taken what he did as directed towards ME when it wasn't at all. Turns out he was referring to Keith and Jim's team, as they were complaining about the way handicap was done, and it JUST HAPPENED to come out of his mouth (the whole 'Waaaahhhh' thing) at the same exact time that I had just finished telling Sally how I had been trying to improve my game for the last 6 years, and couldn't. In fact, Randall was in total shick that I was so mad, because he didn't make the connection I had made, and so had no idea why I was even mad. Wow - timing really is everything.
So, after a nice talk with him, I decided that the real issue was not him, or even the fact that my bowling scores had dropped off a cliff. What was really happening was that the kids were arguing and fighting before bowling had even started, with Galen making fun of Tessi, and Tessi bawling about it, and I was upset from the get-go. I have decided that instead of quitting bowling, which I really do enjoy when I can keep my ego out of it, I am going to stop taking either one of them. That is my time, for me to do something fun for ME. And inevitably, if one or both of them come, it ends up not being fun or relaxing for me at all. Hence the stress, and probably the lower scores too. I will be curious to see how I do once they stop coming.
The best part of all this is that I overcame some past behavioral patterns, and instead of just isolating, ignoring Randall's calls, and allowing the anger to build even more, I did the right thing : I confronted the issue (or delusion, as it turned out) head on, and called Randall to talk about it. I was able to "make amends quickly" just like the 10th step says, and to preserver both a friendship, as well as what has become a way of life, or at least enjoyable tradition, for myself. And for that, I am extremely grateful. It is so cool to actually see the principles working in my life. Now today, my DBA (Steph) is all pissy for some reason - another opportunity for learning I guess. Progress, not perfection, right?!?!?
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