I have decided to make this blog open to anyone who wants to read it. Until now, it has been like my private diary, accessible only to me. And chances are that opening this up isn't really going to make any difference - I don't actually expect that anyone other than me is going to read this.
I guess opening it up is more of a symbolic gesture than anything. It is my way of saying to the world, "if anyone out there feels, or has felt this way, no need to be ashamed or feel alone - I've felt it too." It always amazes me to go back and read posts like my last one with just how negative and dark they are, especially after coming out of the depression and feeling "normal" again. But while the strong feelings of hopelessness and negativity do fade, and I am once again able to enjoy life, I always maintain that state of readiness for this class to be over - for the bell to ring and for all of us to start running for the exits, laughing and cheering knowing that our recess awaits us.
So yeah, if you have landed here and are reading this, special you are! Whether that special-ness is a blessing or a curse is for you to decide. But I can guarantee that you are in very exclusive company, with a glimpse into the mind of someone who in one moment is loving, joyful, humorous and hopeful, then on a bad day (which fortunately don't come very often), is angry, depressed, hopeless, sad, lost and suicidal. How a person can be both of these things, in equal intensity at different times is a mystery to me. But I know I'm not the only one, and in a selfish way, that is comforting to me. Perhaps you have felt that way too, and you can get some comfort from this. If so, I am grateful. If not, you should be.
I guess opening it up is more of a symbolic gesture than anything. It is my way of saying to the world, "if anyone out there feels, or has felt this way, no need to be ashamed or feel alone - I've felt it too." It always amazes me to go back and read posts like my last one with just how negative and dark they are, especially after coming out of the depression and feeling "normal" again. But while the strong feelings of hopelessness and negativity do fade, and I am once again able to enjoy life, I always maintain that state of readiness for this class to be over - for the bell to ring and for all of us to start running for the exits, laughing and cheering knowing that our recess awaits us.
So yeah, if you have landed here and are reading this, special you are! Whether that special-ness is a blessing or a curse is for you to decide. But I can guarantee that you are in very exclusive company, with a glimpse into the mind of someone who in one moment is loving, joyful, humorous and hopeful, then on a bad day (which fortunately don't come very often), is angry, depressed, hopeless, sad, lost and suicidal. How a person can be both of these things, in equal intensity at different times is a mystery to me. But I know I'm not the only one, and in a selfish way, that is comforting to me. Perhaps you have felt that way too, and you can get some comfort from this. If so, I am grateful. If not, you should be.
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