Steady as she goes

I guess the title pretty much sums up the current state I am in - steady as she goes. I am not in some joyous state of exuberance, but I am not depressed either. And I am thinking that this in-between state, this place of relative calmness and serenity, might be the best place for me to stay. I think too often I try to achieve some level oh "happiness" that I feel I am somehow missing, and by doing so, set myself up for some greater downfall later, and that kind of happiness can never last. I think I wrote about this a little in an earlier post too.

I am not totally giving up on everything woman related though. In fact, today we went out to lunch at this place we have been a few times before called "Carly's" and there is this waitress there that I just drool over. She is brunette, petite, naturally pretty and has a GREAT ass. So today, when we were finished, I went up to her and asked her if  she has a boyfriend, thinking that I would ask her to coffee or something if she didn't. But alas, she does, and so I simply told her that she was pretty and left it at that. But instead of getting all bummed out about it, I was happy in the fact that I had the courage and self-confidence to at least go up and ask her.

And that is how I am going take things for now : if an opportunity like that arises, and I feel compelled, I will take action. But I am not going to actively seek anyone or anything right now. I am going to enjoy some time with friends, with the kids, with people from the Program, and with myself. I am going to work on overcoming this 'lonely' feeling within, as that is what the real issue is, and not the fact that I don't have a girlfriend. I know from experience that never solved or cured anything.

So we'll see what happens. In all honesty, I am still a bit down about being single. And it is exaclty THAT that I am trying to address and heal - that part of me that is down simply because I AM single. I think I have been focusing too much on the illusory cure - finding someone - instead of the real malady, which is that thought that causes a feeling that translates to loneliness. Yep - that's where it's at today. I am grateful to God to be sober, to be alive, and to at least have the awareness of what it is that I need to heal - that I need healing at all. Lord knows, a lot of people never even get that far, and I need to give myself some credit for that - to be gentle with myselfm, as Diana says; and to love and nurture myself. Because I am worth it - I really am.