Continuing on the path

...the path leading to the cessation of suffering. I had an appt with Diana yesterday and clarified some thoughts I came away from the last appt with - mainly that perhaps she thought I needed to start seeing someone else, that I was being too needy, or too dependent on her. She said that there was some teeny, tiny part of her that was concerned about something along those lines, but that I shouldn't worry about it - it was just a little something she had going on, and that I should feel free to call whenever I need to if I think I am in need. That was really good to hear, as I really think I have made a lot of good progress with Diana, and of the few therapists I've had, she has definitely been the best about using ALL kinds of different methods, and not just one or 2.

In fact, along those lines, I asked her yesterday what she thought about inner child stuff - what her opinion was, and if she thought it was legit or not. Without actually going into an actual answer, she got some stuff out of her filing cabinet to give me, and then led me on a guided meditation to introduce me to my inner child and begin the healing process on that level. It was a very deep meditation, and I really think that it has opened up a new level of healing, what I had not really thought about 'til now, and one that I desperately need to recognize and work on.

I really realized that when, during the meditation, there was some mention of having thought bad things about the inner child - about having shamed or blamed it - something like that. I then remembered afterwards how so many times, I have done that very thing - thought back to the child I was with hatred, anger, and resentment, thinking all kinds of bad things towards him, as if he wouldn't have changed anything if he could have. When I consider that that inner child is in me, is me, and is still alive in me, it only makes sense that by thinking these kind of thoughts, I sabotage my own healing. I became suddenly very aware that the inner child - my inner child - is a part of me. And when I go into the deep depressions, it is that part that is so sad, alone and hurt. And how could it not be, considering that fact that even I myself am shaming and trying to abandon it? Wow, it's all really eye opening for me.

So hopefully this will begin yet another chapter in my continued quest for healing and liberation. It's almost impossible to believe that either I have so many issues, or that I am becoming aware of so many issues. I guess the good part is the latter - that I am becoming aware of them. Like Dr. Phil says - you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. And I acknowledge that I have a lot of healing to do. The good thing is that God has put all the things I need to accomplish that all around me, and within me. I need only keep walking the path, and eventually, I will reach the top of the mountain. Someday, I will be free.