A real bugger

Man, depression can be a real bugger sometimes. Even with all the great stuff that happened this weekend - the friends, the invites, the convos, the treating - I still am feeling a bit down today. Of course it doesn't help that I just checked out Kristina's blog, and she has pics posted of the family trip to Sedona, with her and Marsh and Q, Mike and Teri, Mikey and his new fiance' Tina, Bill and Linda - everyone AND someone else. See a recurring them there? Yeah, nothing like rubbing it in my own face. I swear, someday I am going to be able to view that blog with something other than envy and despair.

I have been doing a little scanning on the net - Amazon.com to be exact - for some books on loneliness, seeing if perhaps there were some out there that address this topic in a manner that might offer some healing for a heart like mine. I found a couple of good ones, one called "Positive Solitude", and another one that I have decided to get immediately (in fact I am stopping by a used bookstore on the way home to see if they have a copy) called "Healing Your Aloneness - Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child". From the excerpts I have read, it sounds like just what the doctor ordered, and perfeclty describes much of what I am feeling inside.

I am seeing clearly that I have to really get to the root of this inner loneliness - and that's what it really is, a crippling, cold loneliness - and attack it at it's core so I can learn to find that true, deep happiness - or at least lack of despair - that will release me from the burden of pain and shame that I carry inside. I have had periods this year where I have been ok with being single, and some of these periods have actually lasted for more than just a day, or even a week or 2. So that is progress for me, and I am very grateful for that. I know now that it is possible. I only need to learn to sustain those feelings for even longer, and perhaps even heal those wounds deep inside that cause the pain.

And that is what I am trying to accomplish in getting this new book, as well as reading the book that Diana sent home with me, a very good one called "The Enneagram of Liberation..." and some subtitle about freeing ourselves from fixations. I have read about 20 pages of it so far, and it is excellent. I am going to continue reading it, and then when I am finished, start this other book, which I will hopefully find a used copy of tonight. And if not tonight, then I will probably swing by Bookman's sometime this week to see if they have it.

So, even though the depression is once again nagging, and clinging on to me, refusing to just go away quickly or easily, at least I am taking conscious action to do whatever I can to address, counteract, and maybe even overcome it. I am not just curling up in a ball with the covers over my head and isolating from everyone. I am remaining active and engaged, and participating in my own recovery. And I must remember that if that is the best I can do, that is pretty darned good. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is no indication of some fault of mine that I have not gotten over it just yet. It is just an experience that I am having, a challenge I am facing and an opportunity for self-growth that I am facing. It is not me, and it is not what defines me. In truth, I am whole, I am complete and at peace with all that is. I am just working to remember that at a soul level, and forget all that "good stuff" I pciked up along the way.