Opening up the vault

I have decided to make this blog open to anyone who wants to read it. Until now, it has been like my private diary, accessible only to me. And chances are that opening this up isn't really going to make any difference - I don't actually expect that anyone other than me is going to read this.

I guess opening it up is more of a symbolic gesture than anything. It is my way of saying to the world, "if anyone out there feels, or has felt this way, no need to be ashamed or feel alone - I've felt it too." It always amazes me to go back and read posts like my last one with just how negative and dark they are, especially after coming out of the depression and feeling "normal" again. But while the strong feelings of hopelessness and negativity do fade, and I am once again able to enjoy life, I always maintain that state of readiness for this class to be over - for the bell to ring and for all of us to start running for the exits, laughing and cheering knowing that our recess awaits us.

So yeah, if you have landed here and are reading this, special you are! Whether that special-ness is a blessing or a curse is for you to decide. But I can guarantee that you are in very exclusive company, with a glimpse into the mind of someone who in one moment is loving, joyful, humorous and hopeful, then on a bad day (which fortunately don't come very often), is angry, depressed, hopeless, sad, lost and suicidal. How a person can be both of these things, in equal intensity at different times is a mystery to me. But I know I'm not the only one, and in a selfish way, that is comforting to me. Perhaps you have felt that way too, and you can get some comfort from this. If so, I am grateful. If not, you should be.

Oh Boy....

Yep, here we go... So I have been seeing Patricia for about a month now (I think?) and things have been going well. I never heard anything back from anyone else from POF, save for one last (maybe) email from Marj. All good, right? All clear.

Wait - not so fast. Today, out of nowhere, I get a message from someone on POF, a woman with the username "zenvirgo." I don't think I ever sent her anything, so it is basically like an initial contact from her to me. Now I am probably blowing this all out of proportion, cuz I like to do that sort of thing!!! Ha ha! Especially when it comes to romance/dating/woman stuff. Anyhoo, she sent me a little message that sounded pretty interesting, so I checked out her profile, and she seems like a pretty interesting person. She is totally into meditation and spirituality, and looks pretty to boot.

The one thing that causes me the most hesitation is that she has no kids. She does state clearly in her profile that she does not mind dating someone who does, but I always wonder if a woman who has never had kids really knows the amount of time it takes to rear them, and if the woman is willing to share enough time - without resentment - to allow for that. I guess it is possible, and I need not judge. I can just keep an open mind.

Chances are, this is nothing : I will email the woman, and either she won't get back to me, or she will, and we will quickly find we are not a match. And life, and my relationship with Pattie will go on as it has been. But I can't help wondering "what if?" What if I do email this woman, she emails me back, we are compatible, we turn out to be a match, and.... Well, I think we can see where I am going with this. What if?

Now, to my credit, I have not made the 'usual', impatient misstep with Pattie, and said "I love you." Nor have I gotten too nutty about trying to mix our lives together. I have not done the "In a Relationship" thing on Facebook, nor have I introduced her to the kids, or any of my friends for that matter. So, if something were to come of this other situation, while I am sure it would be hard on her, it would not be nearly as bad as it could be. And again, I really don't expect anything to come of this other situation. But, because it would be my luck to have something like this happen AFTER I have already started another relationship, something tells me it actually might, if only for the irony of it all - thanks Universe! RRRrrrreeeeallll funny - ha ha ha ha. NOT! Lol.

I do plan on sending this lady an email just to see what's up. I mean, she stepped out and emailed me, so it's the least I can do. And to be honest, I am curious. It's funny how life is sometimes. Actually, it's funny how life it all the time. What is more interesting is the timing of things, and how I, how we all, react to events within that timing. Will this be a case of "you've got to be kidding me...", or just a flash in the pan??? We'll find out - aren't you excited?!?! Ha ha! I am - I love a good mystery!