Flip flopping, and the chameleon like nature of my attraction

With a title like that, this just has to be good, right? Lol! Ok, so I met Patricia yesterday at Jamba Juice. She was wearing a nice dress, but when I first saw her in it, I did not find it, or her, very attractive. I think it had a lot to do with the way the dress was designed : it had these ruffles that stuck out right at the hips, which made her hips look very wide. Now, she is a little wide anyway, and those features served to unnecessarily accent something that might have been better to play down. I think my initial reaction had something to do with the fact that the convo was at first rather stilted.

But, as always seems to happen with her, just like a chameleon, as we continued talking, and I got her to lighten up and laugh a bit, her appearance literally seemed to change in front of my eyes. She got prettier. Her figure looked better. I was more attracted to her. And before we parted, we got together for another "truck makeout session," and it was hot as ever! For as much as I am little turned off by the width of her thighs and midesction, I am even more turned on by her breasts, her great calves, and nice feet (at least as far as they look in the hot heels she was wearing). So, as the title says, my opinion of her appearance flip-flops between hot and not-so-hot. It's really weird.

As I sit here thinking about it, I really think it goes back to some of what I was talking about in my other posts, particularly as far as what "other people" think when they see her, or see us together. She mentioned that she turned some heads at work, and I have no doub tthat she did/does. But there is that little part of me - the "appearance gremlin", as Diana would call it - that tells me that they aren't really looking at her because she is hot, they are just looking at her hooters. And I get scared, fearful that I will be seen as "less than" because she is not some smoking hot swimsuit model - or at least not in my distorted perception.

So now, I am sitting here doing a little thought exercise : I am examining my thoughts to see what I think of guys who I see with women who are not "swimsuit models," if I think anything less of them at all. And you know what? To be honest, I don't really think anything about a guy when I see him with a woman, no matter what she looks like. In fact, I tend to have a more positive view of men whom I see with average women than I do of men with gorgeous women for the simple fact that I think they are more genuine, more loving and accepting. And the men who are with the "models" I see as more shallow and materialistic, even if they aren't really that way!

So what is it that I am worried about? I am wondering if it isn't what the WOMEN who see us together are thinking...? I think I am afraid of being judged by them; of them snickering under their breath, possibly making fun of Patricia because she isn't "bikini model" material, esp. knowing how most women are like that. But then, if I really think about it, wouldn't it be even WORSE if she was some model type? I mean, if they weren't threatened by her, they probably wouldn't bother ranking on her. And, important to note here, that this ALL goes back to my distorted perception of physical appearance, especially as far as women I am intereste in goes. Lord knows, I have had issues with that!

I thought back to dating Marcy, and there was a woman who was skinny as could be. She had a great butt, was very skinny, and generally attractive. And did I feel any better about being with her? not really - maybe just a little less concerned about what other people thought. But only as far as physical stuff went, because it was her personality that made me totally self-conscious with her. And, something else I was thinking about, the sex with Marcy wasn't good - not at all. So the whole "skinny" thing did not translate into physical pleasure or compatibility at all. This is all stuff I need to remember - stuff that I tend to forget when the "appearance gremlin" starts opening his foul little piehole!!! Lol!

I am glad that I am at least able to see this stuff today. I have a ways to go to fully recover from the negative effects of it, but at least I am not letting it control my every thought and action today. And that my friends, is an absolute blessing - and miracle. For that, and so much more, I am eternally grateful. God is good : )

We are the Beautiful People

That is a realization I came to in the time since that last posting. We are the beautiful people. I just needed to remind myself what true beauty is all about, and how shallow and unsatisfactory it is to base determinations of beauty solely on physical appearance. And along those lines, I realized something else this weekend : that Patricia really is beautiful, and her awesome personality and inherent sexiness make her even moreso. She has so many of the "little" qualities I have been wanting in a woman : she wears g-strings (HOT ones, too), she likes to send naighty pictures (in fact, she sent the first one), she smells good all the time, no facial hair (already mentioned, but worth noting again) - I mean, there are just so many intangibles that are spot on with her. And that's not even to mention all of the totally obvious things, which fit as well.

We got together a number of times over Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and had a great time each and every one. She even came to watch me bowl Sunday night, and we had a pretty hot makeout session afterwards in the back seat of my truck - it TOTALLY reminded me of being in high school! Lol! She said it did her too. And even though she is not necessarily petite, she does have a nice, curvy figure. And she has mentioned a few times herself that she is not really where she wants to be as far as her bod is concerned yet, and that she is still working on it - yet another area we match up well in, as it is important to me that any partner I have take their health and body image seriously and work to improve/maintain it. She has some GREAT breasts, some nice legs, and great skin. Yummy!

I find myself thinking more and more that I can see myself being with her for awhile and us getting more and more connected as the relationship grows and deepens. I really think she might be someone to build a healthy, long term relationship with. We are supposed to go camping together on the weekend of August 27th, and I am thinking that will provide a real litmus test for the relationship, as we really haven't spent more than 2 or 3 hours at a time together yet. Something tells me it will go great though.

I know one thing : I was concerned after Tina that I might never have as good a sex as I had with her ever again. But if the intensity with which she turns me on is any indication of how the sex will be with her, I think that sex with Patricia may well be even better, hard as something like that was to believe at one time! She really, REALLY turns me on, and she has already stated her desire and willingness to please me, and to fulfill fantasies. Oh my - I am going full mast just thinking about it! How could the actual sex not be fantastic?

And all of that would be just talk, non-important jabber, if not for the fact that she is a total sweetheart, funny, intelligent, hard-working, a good parent, has similar parenting philosophy, etc. She really is the whole package. Of course, I am still trying to take it relatively slow - no over declarations of my undying love, and no actual sex yet. Although, if we had REALLY wanted to, we probably could have done the deed already. But why rush it? I like that we are taking it (relatively) easy, and that we are getting to know each other very well first. I guess none of us really know what the future holds. But if I had to guess, I would say that 3 months from now, we will still be dating, and things will have progressed to a whole new level. Only time will tell, and I enjoying it as it comes : )

The dish on the first date

Last night was the big "first date" with Pattie, and it went very well. When I first met her at Carraba's, I was a little taken aback, as she was wearing a dress, and it did seem as though she was a little thicker in the middle than I might have imagined her. But she looked pretty, has great calves and feet (GREAT feet, very sexy), so I basically just forgot about that and decided to enjoy the date and not focus on that part. And I am glad I did, because we had a really nice time. We ate dinner and then decided to go to Starbucks for dessert. She is not a coffee drinker, but said she could do a hot chocolate.

When we got to Starbucks and I saw her walking up to me (we took separate vehicles) I realized that she has some very sexy legs - she was wearing heels, and they made both her legs and feet look great. So I rethought my position, and realized that I don't need to filter my view of someone through society's view of what is sexy and what is not, or even my own distorted view for that matter : I can look at her with new eyes, and see her for her, and not for what I judge her to be. To my amazement, that actually worked, and I saw her as beautiful (and not like she isn't or something, because she is - it's just my anal-retentive perfectionist ideas that kept from seeing that before) and really, really wanted her.

We sat close and held hands, visiting about stuff for about an hour at the coffeeshop. Then it was time for me to get home to the kiddos. I walked to her car/minivan, and we kissed - and man was it a passionate kiss! It was very nice, and at times, she was so passionate and forceful about it, I thought she was going to literally crawl inside me! Lol! I can say that there was no doubt that she liked me A LOT, and wanted me too. And she has great skin - so soft and supple, I swear it's like that of a 16 year old. And she felt good in my arms - not like I was hugging some "big" woman or anything - not at all.

So I have decided to continue seeing her and see where things go. She is so much fun to talk to/chat with, and I am genuinely attracted to her. I was thinking last night on the way home that the whole situation reminded me somewhat of that movie "Shallow Hal", not that she is nearly as big as the lady in that was. But in the manner in which she seemed to get even prettier and prettier to me as the night went on - and I wasn't even drinking! Lol! It's sounding like we are going to see each other again tomorrow night, and I am happy. I am not all madly-in-love, over the top, obsessed, crazy for her - - and that is GOOD. It is healthy, and for that and several other reasons, I am very grateful and happy. I am learning to love just like I am trying to live - one day at a time :)

First "real" date

I read my title from my last post and it made me laugh. I am definitely still digging Pattie, and in fact, moreso every day. She is a total sweetheart, and very flirtatious/romantic, which I am a TOTAL sucker for, being the romantic that I am. I was thinking to myself this morning that as much as I have promised myself I wouldn't, and as badly as it has turned out in the past, I feel that I am really wanting to jump head first into something serious with this girl. In fact, I was thinking of basically telling her that tonight.

That is, of course, if I can bring myself to break my own rules, and go against everything I have driving into my own head for the last year or 2! Ha ha! It's just that I was thinking this morning, and I was going through the different "categories" I have for a match - mental, physical, spiritual, and the ineffable ones (like the ones I listed aren't, right?) like how much she makes me laugh, what kind of personality she has, how romantic she is - and it seems that she scores very well in all of the categories I have. Of course, I have been wondering if I will be as attracted to her physically when I see her tonight, as it was a little hard to get a good read on her bod the last time we met. Although, as I said before, she definitely has some nice breasts workin', no real facial hair, no noticeable double chin, and definitely no cankles! LMAO! Oh gosh, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? Like I am shallow or something. I tend to just think of it as preferences though - what I like/don't care for in a romantic partner.

So, given the great hooters (wow, classy! Did I just write that??? Lol), the hairless face, the nice nails, and the AWESOME personality, I guess it doesn't really matter much just how she looks in the middle, ya' know? She did say that her mom and sister have struggled with their weights, and that she has taken precautions to make sure she doesn't fall into that category. So I know she is conscious about, and takes an active interest in maintaining her weight, so.....

Anyway, we met at Jamba Juice last weekend, and tonight is our first "real" date. It was actually set up for tomorrow night, but SHE texted yesterday, and asked me if I wanted to try to make it for Thursday (today) instead. Now how could I not like that? A woman who is actually as anxious as I am to see each other again! Awesome. And we have been having a blast kidding back and forth through texts and emails about everything from her getting out of the shower, and the naughty thoughts it gives me, to whether or not her friend Cheryl will approve of me, and what we are doing for our date. It has been, like I always thought - and hoped - it would be - romantic, flirty, and whole lot of fun! : )

I guess tonight will be somewhat of a "defining moment" in our very young relationship - it should probably serve to more clearly expose our feelings for each other and whether or not we want to pursue something more serious. I have a feeling about this woman, I really do. But I am trying to maintain my perspective and not get too excited or worked up. I want to just take it easy and see where it goes. Ok - that's not true : what I REALLY want to do is take her in my arms, say that I think I am falling in love with her, sweep her off her feet, and live happily ever after. BUT, seeing as how I have some unrealistic, codependent and idealistic tendencies, I am opting for the 'relax and see how it goes' approach instead! Lol! More tomorrow.....