This is taken from an email I sent Heather this morning (why rewrite all this, right?) :
I have had a pretty rough week myself, although things finally turned around a bit yesterday. My son was gone all weekend - which I expected. But then I didn't hear from him all day Monday, so I started getting concerned that he wouldn't make the appt. I had made with a psychiatrist for him to get evaluated. I went to his school Tuesday to talk to him, but he didn't go to class. So I texted a couple of his friends (I had taken his phone away) and said that he needed to get in touch with me or I was going to report him as a runaway. Lo and behold, about 15 minutes later, I got a text from him.
I told him that I thought it would be best if he came home and stayed Tuesday night so we could go the appt, and that we would decide what to do after. The psychiatrist we met with was really good, and to my great relief, she agreed with me that it doesn't really seem like he has ADHD - she is more inclined to think it is a mood disorder, and prescribed something to help with that. I told Galen that I thought he ought to stay at home for the first 2 weeks, after which we were scheduled to go in for a follow up, and then after that, if he still wanted to leave, he could. He agreed, and that was somewhat of a relief.
So last night, as I was getting ready for bed, he came in and basically apologized and said that he wanted to stay at home, even after the 2 weeks between now and the follow up, and that he really wanted to try to turn things around. I told him that words were just words, and that is was actions that counted. He agreed, we hugged, said I love you's, and went to bed. So, after everything, it sounds like we may have gotten through to him - again, for the moment. I am really hoping this medication can help stabilize his moods a bit and help him to sleep better. I didn't realize it, but he hasn't been getting very good sleep for some time, and that can really play hell with a person's moods. That is one major benefit of this medication too - it is taken at night, and supposed to make a person a little drowsy. So we'll see how it works.
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And that about sums it up. I was starting to get a little down last night (before the whole "hug" thing). But fortunately I had an appt scheduled with Diana, and I think it really helped a lot. I am very happy with the progress I have made, and the fact that I was able to avoid going down the whole 'what did I do wrong?' road. And I think talking things through with Diana (while hooked up to the EMDR) helped quite a bit. It was also nice to hear her suggest to let Galen have his weekends as long as he goes to school and passes his classes. Because I was planning on that, but wasn't confident that it was the "good parent" thing to do - thought maybe I was just being selfish in not wanting to have to try to deal with his sighs and grumbles from having to stay home all weekend. With Diana actually suggesting it, I felt a big sense of relief. She even went a step further and suggested maybe giving him some extra time on Wednesday nights to stay out a bit later.
Basically the message I got from her was that it's important to get him to 'buy in' to all this, and that it might be worth the risk to let him go out on weekends and "smoke pot and have sex" as Diana said, if it helps to get him to go to school and actually pass his classes. I was actually quite surprised to hear her put it like that. At the same time, it was music to my ears, because I could see how that might actually work, and avoid the situation of him being angry and resentful all the time for not getting to do what he wants, in addition to allowing me to have some time on the weekends to wind down and do my own thing. The real goal, as I stated to her, was to get him to graduate high school. What happens after that, when he is a legal adult, well, that will be up to him.
So today, I am feeling much relieved, happier about the whole situation, and grateful for the way things have worked out - all the way around; from Diana's suggestions and the peace I can see them bringing; to Galen's coming around and saying that he did care and that he wants to be home; to all the friends I have like Ty and Heather, Doug, Todd and others who reassured me that I am a good dad; to myself - my Highest Self that has taken the time to really love, accept and work on those places inside that have needed healing for so long. Thank you God, thank you Universe, and thank you Kevin : )
Showing posts with label selflove. Show all posts
Showing posts with label selflove. Show all posts
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Steady as she goes
I guess the title pretty much sums up the current state I am in - steady as she goes. I am not in some joyous state of exuberance, but I am not depressed either. And I am thinking that this in-between state, this place of relative calmness and serenity, might be the best place for me to stay. I think too often I try to achieve some level oh "happiness" that I feel I am somehow missing, and by doing so, set myself up for some greater downfall later, and that kind of happiness can never last. I think I wrote about this a little in an earlier post too.
I am not totally giving up on everything woman related though. In fact, today we went out to lunch at this place we have been a few times before called "Carly's" and there is this waitress there that I just drool over. She is brunette, petite, naturally pretty and has a GREAT ass. So today, when we were finished, I went up to her and asked her if she has a boyfriend, thinking that I would ask her to coffee or something if she didn't. But alas, she does, and so I simply told her that she was pretty and left it at that. But instead of getting all bummed out about it, I was happy in the fact that I had the courage and self-confidence to at least go up and ask her.
And that is how I am going take things for now : if an opportunity like that arises, and I feel compelled, I will take action. But I am not going to actively seek anyone or anything right now. I am going to enjoy some time with friends, with the kids, with people from the Program, and with myself. I am going to work on overcoming this 'lonely' feeling within, as that is what the real issue is, and not the fact that I don't have a girlfriend. I know from experience that never solved or cured anything.
So we'll see what happens. In all honesty, I am still a bit down about being single. And it is exaclty THAT that I am trying to address and heal - that part of me that is down simply because I AM single. I think I have been focusing too much on the illusory cure - finding someone - instead of the real malady, which is that thought that causes a feeling that translates to loneliness. Yep - that's where it's at today. I am grateful to God to be sober, to be alive, and to at least have the awareness of what it is that I need to heal - that I need healing at all. Lord knows, a lot of people never even get that far, and I need to give myself some credit for that - to be gentle with myselfm, as Diana says; and to love and nurture myself. Because I am worth it - I really am.
I am not totally giving up on everything woman related though. In fact, today we went out to lunch at this place we have been a few times before called "Carly's" and there is this waitress there that I just drool over. She is brunette, petite, naturally pretty and has a GREAT ass. So today, when we were finished, I went up to her and asked her if she has a boyfriend, thinking that I would ask her to coffee or something if she didn't. But alas, she does, and so I simply told her that she was pretty and left it at that. But instead of getting all bummed out about it, I was happy in the fact that I had the courage and self-confidence to at least go up and ask her.
And that is how I am going take things for now : if an opportunity like that arises, and I feel compelled, I will take action. But I am not going to actively seek anyone or anything right now. I am going to enjoy some time with friends, with the kids, with people from the Program, and with myself. I am going to work on overcoming this 'lonely' feeling within, as that is what the real issue is, and not the fact that I don't have a girlfriend. I know from experience that never solved or cured anything.
So we'll see what happens. In all honesty, I am still a bit down about being single. And it is exaclty THAT that I am trying to address and heal - that part of me that is down simply because I AM single. I think I have been focusing too much on the illusory cure - finding someone - instead of the real malady, which is that thought that causes a feeling that translates to loneliness. Yep - that's where it's at today. I am grateful to God to be sober, to be alive, and to at least have the awareness of what it is that I need to heal - that I need healing at all. Lord knows, a lot of people never even get that far, and I need to give myself some credit for that - to be gentle with myselfm, as Diana says; and to love and nurture myself. Because I am worth it - I really am.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Continuing on the path
...the path leading to the cessation of suffering. I had an appt with Diana yesterday and clarified some thoughts I came away from the last appt with - mainly that perhaps she thought I needed to start seeing someone else, that I was being too needy, or too dependent on her. She said that there was some teeny, tiny part of her that was concerned about something along those lines, but that I shouldn't worry about it - it was just a little something she had going on, and that I should feel free to call whenever I need to if I think I am in need. That was really good to hear, as I really think I have made a lot of good progress with Diana, and of the few therapists I've had, she has definitely been the best about using ALL kinds of different methods, and not just one or 2.
In fact, along those lines, I asked her yesterday what she thought about inner child stuff - what her opinion was, and if she thought it was legit or not. Without actually going into an actual answer, she got some stuff out of her filing cabinet to give me, and then led me on a guided meditation to introduce me to my inner child and begin the healing process on that level. It was a very deep meditation, and I really think that it has opened up a new level of healing, what I had not really thought about 'til now, and one that I desperately need to recognize and work on.
I really realized that when, during the meditation, there was some mention of having thought bad things about the inner child - about having shamed or blamed it - something like that. I then remembered afterwards how so many times, I have done that very thing - thought back to the child I was with hatred, anger, and resentment, thinking all kinds of bad things towards him, as if he wouldn't have changed anything if he could have. When I consider that that inner child is in me, is me, and is still alive in me, it only makes sense that by thinking these kind of thoughts, I sabotage my own healing. I became suddenly very aware that the inner child - my inner child - is a part of me. And when I go into the deep depressions, it is that part that is so sad, alone and hurt. And how could it not be, considering that fact that even I myself am shaming and trying to abandon it? Wow, it's all really eye opening for me.
So hopefully this will begin yet another chapter in my continued quest for healing and liberation. It's almost impossible to believe that either I have so many issues, or that I am becoming aware of so many issues. I guess the good part is the latter - that I am becoming aware of them. Like Dr. Phil says - you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. And I acknowledge that I have a lot of healing to do. The good thing is that God has put all the things I need to accomplish that all around me, and within me. I need only keep walking the path, and eventually, I will reach the top of the mountain. Someday, I will be free.
In fact, along those lines, I asked her yesterday what she thought about inner child stuff - what her opinion was, and if she thought it was legit or not. Without actually going into an actual answer, she got some stuff out of her filing cabinet to give me, and then led me on a guided meditation to introduce me to my inner child and begin the healing process on that level. It was a very deep meditation, and I really think that it has opened up a new level of healing, what I had not really thought about 'til now, and one that I desperately need to recognize and work on.
I really realized that when, during the meditation, there was some mention of having thought bad things about the inner child - about having shamed or blamed it - something like that. I then remembered afterwards how so many times, I have done that very thing - thought back to the child I was with hatred, anger, and resentment, thinking all kinds of bad things towards him, as if he wouldn't have changed anything if he could have. When I consider that that inner child is in me, is me, and is still alive in me, it only makes sense that by thinking these kind of thoughts, I sabotage my own healing. I became suddenly very aware that the inner child - my inner child - is a part of me. And when I go into the deep depressions, it is that part that is so sad, alone and hurt. And how could it not be, considering that fact that even I myself am shaming and trying to abandon it? Wow, it's all really eye opening for me.
So hopefully this will begin yet another chapter in my continued quest for healing and liberation. It's almost impossible to believe that either I have so many issues, or that I am becoming aware of so many issues. I guess the good part is the latter - that I am becoming aware of them. Like Dr. Phil says - you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. And I acknowledge that I have a lot of healing to do. The good thing is that God has put all the things I need to accomplish that all around me, and within me. I need only keep walking the path, and eventually, I will reach the top of the mountain. Someday, I will be free.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Not happy - just not depressed
That may sound like a bit of a contradiction, but I am coming to see that in fact, it is not. For me, it is a place that I want to get to - where I am not necessarily happy, but I am not depressed either. I have been thinking about what the Dalai Lama says about happiness in his book (which I have on CD) "The Art of Happiness," and how happiness, at least as far as the way most of us define it anyway, is fleeting, and impermanent. Therefore, if that is what I spend all of my time seeking, I am bound to have periods when I am down, because it seems like I will nevr find that which I seek - or if I do, I will only lose it again at some time.
Instead, what I am going to start working on is just not being, or getting, depressed. It's not so much that I want to be happy all the time, because not only is that basically impossible, if I was, it would signal some type of emotional imbalance and lack of empathy - neither of which is attractive to me. No, what I am seeking instead is a way of thinking and being that allows me to stay out of the pit of depression that I sink into so often. Instead of trying to build a "stairway to heave", to happiness as it were, I am going to spend my time working on a safety harness to keep me out of the pit. It is a shift in thinking, a shift in focus, and I am thinking that at this point in my life, that may be exactly what I need - especially considering the fact that I am still feeling a little down, even after a weekend filled with friends and nice gestures.
The book that Diana lent me, "The Enneagram of Liberation," is very, very good, and I am getting a lot out of it. It seems that is the primary focus of that book too, in a roundabout way : it's not about figuring out how to be happy; it's about recognizing our character fixations so we can learn to loosen the grip they have on us, and allow our True selves to shine through the veils of our egos. Which is all just a fancy way to say to get over ourselves, and stop taking everything - including the things we think and feel - so personally. I am really liking the book.
And I am going to pick up that other one I mentioned in my last post as well, and start it just as soon as I am done with the one I am reading. I have spent most of my life fighting this depression, and just like the classic poem says, I will "not go quietly" into that dark night of the soul. I am going to keep struggling to gain freedom from my inner tormentor and won't rest until I do. At the very leat, I will have the comfort of knowing that I am not just wallowing in self-pity, thinking I somehow "deserve" to feel this way - because I don't. No one does.
Instead, what I am going to start working on is just not being, or getting, depressed. It's not so much that I want to be happy all the time, because not only is that basically impossible, if I was, it would signal some type of emotional imbalance and lack of empathy - neither of which is attractive to me. No, what I am seeking instead is a way of thinking and being that allows me to stay out of the pit of depression that I sink into so often. Instead of trying to build a "stairway to heave", to happiness as it were, I am going to spend my time working on a safety harness to keep me out of the pit. It is a shift in thinking, a shift in focus, and I am thinking that at this point in my life, that may be exactly what I need - especially considering the fact that I am still feeling a little down, even after a weekend filled with friends and nice gestures.
The book that Diana lent me, "The Enneagram of Liberation," is very, very good, and I am getting a lot out of it. It seems that is the primary focus of that book too, in a roundabout way : it's not about figuring out how to be happy; it's about recognizing our character fixations so we can learn to loosen the grip they have on us, and allow our True selves to shine through the veils of our egos. Which is all just a fancy way to say to get over ourselves, and stop taking everything - including the things we think and feel - so personally. I am really liking the book.
And I am going to pick up that other one I mentioned in my last post as well, and start it just as soon as I am done with the one I am reading. I have spent most of my life fighting this depression, and just like the classic poem says, I will "not go quietly" into that dark night of the soul. I am going to keep struggling to gain freedom from my inner tormentor and won't rest until I do. At the very leat, I will have the comfort of knowing that I am not just wallowing in self-pity, thinking I somehow "deserve" to feel this way - because I don't. No one does.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
A real bugger
Man, depression can be a real bugger sometimes. Even with all the great stuff that happened this weekend - the friends, the invites, the convos, the treating - I still am feeling a bit down today. Of course it doesn't help that I just checked out Kristina's blog, and she has pics posted of the family trip to Sedona, with her and Marsh and Q, Mike and Teri, Mikey and his new fiance' Tina, Bill and Linda - everyone AND someone else. See a recurring them there? Yeah, nothing like rubbing it in my own face. I swear, someday I am going to be able to view that blog with something other than envy and despair.
I have been doing a little scanning on the net - Amazon.com to be exact - for some books on loneliness, seeing if perhaps there were some out there that address this topic in a manner that might offer some healing for a heart like mine. I found a couple of good ones, one called "Positive Solitude", and another one that I have decided to get immediately (in fact I am stopping by a used bookstore on the way home to see if they have a copy) called "Healing Your Aloneness - Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child". From the excerpts I have read, it sounds like just what the doctor ordered, and perfeclty describes much of what I am feeling inside.
I am seeing clearly that I have to really get to the root of this inner loneliness - and that's what it really is, a crippling, cold loneliness - and attack it at it's core so I can learn to find that true, deep happiness - or at least lack of despair - that will release me from the burden of pain and shame that I carry inside. I have had periods this year where I have been ok with being single, and some of these periods have actually lasted for more than just a day, or even a week or 2. So that is progress for me, and I am very grateful for that. I know now that it is possible. I only need to learn to sustain those feelings for even longer, and perhaps even heal those wounds deep inside that cause the pain.
And that is what I am trying to accomplish in getting this new book, as well as reading the book that Diana sent home with me, a very good one called "The Enneagram of Liberation..." and some subtitle about freeing ourselves from fixations. I have read about 20 pages of it so far, and it is excellent. I am going to continue reading it, and then when I am finished, start this other book, which I will hopefully find a used copy of tonight. And if not tonight, then I will probably swing by Bookman's sometime this week to see if they have it.
So, even though the depression is once again nagging, and clinging on to me, refusing to just go away quickly or easily, at least I am taking conscious action to do whatever I can to address, counteract, and maybe even overcome it. I am not just curling up in a ball with the covers over my head and isolating from everyone. I am remaining active and engaged, and participating in my own recovery. And I must remember that if that is the best I can do, that is pretty darned good. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is no indication of some fault of mine that I have not gotten over it just yet. It is just an experience that I am having, a challenge I am facing and an opportunity for self-growth that I am facing. It is not me, and it is not what defines me. In truth, I am whole, I am complete and at peace with all that is. I am just working to remember that at a soul level, and forget all that "good stuff" I pciked up along the way.
I have been doing a little scanning on the net - Amazon.com to be exact - for some books on loneliness, seeing if perhaps there were some out there that address this topic in a manner that might offer some healing for a heart like mine. I found a couple of good ones, one called "Positive Solitude", and another one that I have decided to get immediately (in fact I am stopping by a used bookstore on the way home to see if they have a copy) called "Healing Your Aloneness - Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child". From the excerpts I have read, it sounds like just what the doctor ordered, and perfeclty describes much of what I am feeling inside.
I am seeing clearly that I have to really get to the root of this inner loneliness - and that's what it really is, a crippling, cold loneliness - and attack it at it's core so I can learn to find that true, deep happiness - or at least lack of despair - that will release me from the burden of pain and shame that I carry inside. I have had periods this year where I have been ok with being single, and some of these periods have actually lasted for more than just a day, or even a week or 2. So that is progress for me, and I am very grateful for that. I know now that it is possible. I only need to learn to sustain those feelings for even longer, and perhaps even heal those wounds deep inside that cause the pain.
And that is what I am trying to accomplish in getting this new book, as well as reading the book that Diana sent home with me, a very good one called "The Enneagram of Liberation..." and some subtitle about freeing ourselves from fixations. I have read about 20 pages of it so far, and it is excellent. I am going to continue reading it, and then when I am finished, start this other book, which I will hopefully find a used copy of tonight. And if not tonight, then I will probably swing by Bookman's sometime this week to see if they have it.
So, even though the depression is once again nagging, and clinging on to me, refusing to just go away quickly or easily, at least I am taking conscious action to do whatever I can to address, counteract, and maybe even overcome it. I am not just curling up in a ball with the covers over my head and isolating from everyone. I am remaining active and engaged, and participating in my own recovery. And I must remember that if that is the best I can do, that is pretty darned good. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is no indication of some fault of mine that I have not gotten over it just yet. It is just an experience that I am having, a challenge I am facing and an opportunity for self-growth that I am facing. It is not me, and it is not what defines me. In truth, I am whole, I am complete and at peace with all that is. I am just working to remember that at a soul level, and forget all that "good stuff" I pciked up along the way.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Not a match - the story continues
After pressing Wendy a little bit for information about what she actually thought about me, and realizing that she probably wasn't attracted to me at all, I decided to just let her know that I didn't think we were a match, tell her "thank you for the time", and move on. And you know what? I think I am starting to get the hang of this "dating" thing and am finally comfortable with the process that Diana described : going on at least 500 dates before getting truly frustrated about not finding someone; realizing that it's a numbers game; not taking it personally when things don't work out; not getting dscouraged and dropping out after 3 or 4 unsuccesful dates. I am starting to settle into this new mindframe.
I have not removed my profile, gotten cynical, or given up yet. I am hanging in there and just taking it easy. I am open and available, but not deperate. I still try to send out a few messages a week on POF. Even though it seems I have already messaged all the women I find intriguing, I manage to find a couple of new ones to contact. And even though I check and see that they have viewed me, but not responded, I don't let it get me down - I just keep on keepin' on. And I am TOTALLY amazed when I think back to a year or 2 ago, and just how frustrated and depressed I would get after only a few unsuccesful dates or contacts. Wow... healing is possible. Re-learning how to act and be really is possible. Wow.
I love it too. I am actually feeling a sense of 'normalcy' about the whole dating/being single thing - something I used to think might never happen. I am just so grateful that I am here now, and pray that I can stay. I think as long as I continue participating in my sobriety, continue my twice a day meditation schedule, continue working out and eating healthy, continue seeing Diana once a month - I think I can maintain what I have gained, and grow and heal even more.
So even if I am single for the next 10 years, I can be so happily, and enjoy my life to its fullest. I can love myself even more, andd enjoy the time with my friends, family and co-workers even more. I can grow even more spiritually, and more fully develop my conscious contact with my Higher Power - the Universe and all that is. I can fully accept and believe that just because I am single does not mean I am alone. I am never alone - never. What a gift it is to know - even better to FEEL - that today... :)
I have not removed my profile, gotten cynical, or given up yet. I am hanging in there and just taking it easy. I am open and available, but not deperate. I still try to send out a few messages a week on POF. Even though it seems I have already messaged all the women I find intriguing, I manage to find a couple of new ones to contact. And even though I check and see that they have viewed me, but not responded, I don't let it get me down - I just keep on keepin' on. And I am TOTALLY amazed when I think back to a year or 2 ago, and just how frustrated and depressed I would get after only a few unsuccesful dates or contacts. Wow... healing is possible. Re-learning how to act and be really is possible. Wow.
I love it too. I am actually feeling a sense of 'normalcy' about the whole dating/being single thing - something I used to think might never happen. I am just so grateful that I am here now, and pray that I can stay. I think as long as I continue participating in my sobriety, continue my twice a day meditation schedule, continue working out and eating healthy, continue seeing Diana once a month - I think I can maintain what I have gained, and grow and heal even more.
So even if I am single for the next 10 years, I can be so happily, and enjoy my life to its fullest. I can love myself even more, andd enjoy the time with my friends, family and co-workers even more. I can grow even more spiritually, and more fully develop my conscious contact with my Higher Power - the Universe and all that is. I can fully accept and believe that just because I am single does not mean I am alone. I am never alone - never. What a gift it is to know - even better to FEEL - that today... :)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
A Dating Lull
Well, what started out like gangbusters, the whole POF dating thang, has now slowed to a real lull. Out of the last several messages I've sent out, I've only gotten one or 2 replies. And after sending those few another message, I have gotten nothing back. I met with Dana last night, and though she was sweet, she was a bit bigger - heavier - than I thought she would be. She was nice though, so I am thinking I would still like to see her again. We only got to meet for less than an hour last night, as she had to go pick her dad up from the doctor. I texted her this morning to see how that went and she has not yet texted back. But it's ok - I am not really concerned, as I don't think there is a realistic possibility of us getting together. I want someone who is in better shape.
So now, I need to work on just being ok with being single, and being ok with the slow pace at which things develop in the "single" world. I think I have a sort of "single person ADD," or maybe OCD, where I get totally obsessed with the fact that I am single, and want an immediate "cure," as if it is a disease or something. But then when I think about it, even though I try to convince myself that I am just very romantic, and I want someone to 'snuggle' with, I realize that I am lying to myself - I don't want someone to snuggle with, I want someone to have sex with. I don't care if we hold hands and do all that stuff, I just want to get down! And though I used to think it was horrible to think that way, I am now accepting it as it is. Why try to convince myself otherwise?
Now that's not to say that I'm not open to more, and that if I met the right woman, I wouldn't like more. It's just that I haven't met such a woman yet. I have been thinking about the relationship I had with Tina a lot lately - not the romantic, life partner one, but the sexual one. Truth be told, it was the best I ever had, and I have REALLY been missing it. The regular relationship had some good qualities too, but paled in comparison to the incredible sex we had. I am just wondering why it seems so hard for me to 'score' with someone? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't drink and go to bars. Lord knows, a drunk or buzzed woman is a much easier creature to pursue than a sover woman. Oy vey.
I even tried the whole "looking for : intimate encounter" on POF, only to find that there aren't many women on there looking for that (at least not with that classification anyway) and that most of the ones who are are pretty overweight. There were a few others who looked like they might have been "pros" - and hell, at this point, I am almost willing to pay for it! Lol. I might need to make a trip to Nevada or Mexico soon Damn.
So yeah - being 40 and sober, and trying to date pretty much blows. I am determined to not let it get me down this time, to not start telling myself "short and ugly" stories, and to just be patient this time. This is something I really need to learn to let go of - totally. I need to just be ok with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to, and the less interference and resistance from me, the better!
So now, I need to work on just being ok with being single, and being ok with the slow pace at which things develop in the "single" world. I think I have a sort of "single person ADD," or maybe OCD, where I get totally obsessed with the fact that I am single, and want an immediate "cure," as if it is a disease or something. But then when I think about it, even though I try to convince myself that I am just very romantic, and I want someone to 'snuggle' with, I realize that I am lying to myself - I don't want someone to snuggle with, I want someone to have sex with. I don't care if we hold hands and do all that stuff, I just want to get down! And though I used to think it was horrible to think that way, I am now accepting it as it is. Why try to convince myself otherwise?
Now that's not to say that I'm not open to more, and that if I met the right woman, I wouldn't like more. It's just that I haven't met such a woman yet. I have been thinking about the relationship I had with Tina a lot lately - not the romantic, life partner one, but the sexual one. Truth be told, it was the best I ever had, and I have REALLY been missing it. The regular relationship had some good qualities too, but paled in comparison to the incredible sex we had. I am just wondering why it seems so hard for me to 'score' with someone? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't drink and go to bars. Lord knows, a drunk or buzzed woman is a much easier creature to pursue than a sover woman. Oy vey.
I even tried the whole "looking for : intimate encounter" on POF, only to find that there aren't many women on there looking for that (at least not with that classification anyway) and that most of the ones who are are pretty overweight. There were a few others who looked like they might have been "pros" - and hell, at this point, I am almost willing to pay for it! Lol. I might need to make a trip to Nevada or Mexico soon Damn.
So yeah - being 40 and sober, and trying to date pretty much blows. I am determined to not let it get me down this time, to not start telling myself "short and ugly" stories, and to just be patient this time. This is something I really need to learn to let go of - totally. I need to just be ok with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to, and the less interference and resistance from me, the better!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Following my own rules
I am sitting here trying, with all my strength, to avoid emailing or texting Dana. I sent her a couple of texts yesterday afternoon after exchanging emails in the morning and received some pretty short, curt replies. I didn't hear anything from her after the last one, at about 5pm or so, so I decided to just lay off a bit and not contact her again until she shows some interest from her end. It turns out that is much harder than I thought it would, or should be! Lol
But I am sticking to my guns so far. I have gone into my gmail about 5 times so far, thinking I would just send her a little "hello" and clarify to see what her expectations of communication are. But each time, I have stopped and reminded myself of my own rules. And each time, I have successfully avoided sending her anything. For me, this is a HUGE victory too. I guess for a lot of people, it would seem like no big deal. But for someone as desperate and codependent as I have been, it is major progress indeed.
As I was walking to the laundromat last night, trying to convince myself that I wasn't even really thinking about her (Dana), I realized that I was actually obsessing about it, her. I could not stop thinking about why she wasn't contacting me; wondering if she was pursuing someone else; thinking that she wasn't really that into me. And then I stopped for a minute, and thought that this was all crazy - to be so concerned with some woman that I barely know. I reminded myself that I am very happy with my life right now, and that I don't NEED someone. I reminded myself that I am a great guy, and that when we meet, I may not even be attracted to her anyway. I was simply giving her, giving the situation, WAY too much power over me.
It was a really freeing, refreshing realization. And even though I have had to struggle against my base instinct, which is to grasp for her by sending more emails or texts today, the good thing is that I can now see that desperate part of myself, and I am not allowing it to control me. Just like my addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I am seeing this as an addiction, obsessive behavior. And admitting it, being aware of it, and working to change that behavior is where the recovery from it lies.
So will I send her an email? No, I will not. Will I send her a text? No, I will not. In fact, if she does nothing to contact me before tomorrow, I will only email or text her tomorrow afternoon to make sure we are still on to meet at 6 simply for the fact that I don't want to waste the gas or the time. Fact is, I am a good guy, in good shape, working hard to improve myself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and I will not be desperate anymore. I look good for my age - for any age - and I am not going to sell myself short or disrespect myself by being "desperate." Someone out there should be desperate to be with me! Lol! I love myself now, and I am going to start treating myself like it. I am not some reject, some flawed, defective man who desperately needs someone to like him - I am not that. I am a good looling, smart, funny, caring individual in kick ass shape, and somewhere out there is a woman who will see and appreciate that - or maybe not.
And if there isn't one, if I must spend the rest of my life with no female partner, well, then I will just have to learn to do so with grace, love, humility and acceptance. Because I will simply not allow myself to settle for just anything, or anyone, out of desperation. I will honor and respect who and what I am in all things I do. And for that, for that awareness I am thankful : )
But I am sticking to my guns so far. I have gone into my gmail about 5 times so far, thinking I would just send her a little "hello" and clarify to see what her expectations of communication are. But each time, I have stopped and reminded myself of my own rules. And each time, I have successfully avoided sending her anything. For me, this is a HUGE victory too. I guess for a lot of people, it would seem like no big deal. But for someone as desperate and codependent as I have been, it is major progress indeed.
As I was walking to the laundromat last night, trying to convince myself that I wasn't even really thinking about her (Dana), I realized that I was actually obsessing about it, her. I could not stop thinking about why she wasn't contacting me; wondering if she was pursuing someone else; thinking that she wasn't really that into me. And then I stopped for a minute, and thought that this was all crazy - to be so concerned with some woman that I barely know. I reminded myself that I am very happy with my life right now, and that I don't NEED someone. I reminded myself that I am a great guy, and that when we meet, I may not even be attracted to her anyway. I was simply giving her, giving the situation, WAY too much power over me.
It was a really freeing, refreshing realization. And even though I have had to struggle against my base instinct, which is to grasp for her by sending more emails or texts today, the good thing is that I can now see that desperate part of myself, and I am not allowing it to control me. Just like my addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I am seeing this as an addiction, obsessive behavior. And admitting it, being aware of it, and working to change that behavior is where the recovery from it lies.
So will I send her an email? No, I will not. Will I send her a text? No, I will not. In fact, if she does nothing to contact me before tomorrow, I will only email or text her tomorrow afternoon to make sure we are still on to meet at 6 simply for the fact that I don't want to waste the gas or the time. Fact is, I am a good guy, in good shape, working hard to improve myself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and I will not be desperate anymore. I look good for my age - for any age - and I am not going to sell myself short or disrespect myself by being "desperate." Someone out there should be desperate to be with me! Lol! I love myself now, and I am going to start treating myself like it. I am not some reject, some flawed, defective man who desperately needs someone to like him - I am not that. I am a good looling, smart, funny, caring individual in kick ass shape, and somewhere out there is a woman who will see and appreciate that - or maybe not.
And if there isn't one, if I must spend the rest of my life with no female partner, well, then I will just have to learn to do so with grace, love, humility and acceptance. Because I will simply not allow myself to settle for just anything, or anyone, out of desperation. I will honor and respect who and what I am in all things I do. And for that, for that awareness I am thankful : )
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