Following my own rules

I am sitting here trying, with all my strength, to avoid emailing or texting Dana. I sent her a couple of texts yesterday afternoon after exchanging emails in the morning and received some pretty short, curt replies. I didn't hear anything from her after the last one, at about 5pm or so, so I decided to just lay off a bit and not contact her again until she shows some interest from her end. It turns out that is much harder than I thought it would, or should be! Lol

But I am sticking to my guns so far. I have gone into my gmail about 5 times so far, thinking I would just send her a little "hello" and clarify to see what her expectations of communication are. But each time, I have stopped and reminded myself of my own rules. And each time, I have successfully avoided sending her anything. For me, this is a HUGE victory too. I guess for a lot of people, it would seem like no big deal. But for someone as desperate and codependent as I have been, it is major progress indeed.

As I was walking to the laundromat last night, trying to convince myself that I wasn't even really thinking about her (Dana), I realized that I was actually obsessing about it, her. I could not stop thinking about why she wasn't contacting me; wondering if she was pursuing someone else; thinking that she wasn't really that into me. And then I stopped for a minute, and thought that this was all crazy - to be so concerned with some woman that I barely know. I reminded myself that I am very happy with my life right now, and that I don't NEED someone. I reminded myself that I am a great guy, and that when we meet, I may not even be attracted to her anyway. I was simply giving her, giving the situation, WAY too much power over me.

It was a really freeing, refreshing realization. And even though I have had to struggle against my base instinct, which is to grasp for her by sending more emails or texts today, the good thing is that I can now see that desperate part of myself, and I am not allowing it to control me. Just like my addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I am seeing this as an addiction, obsessive behavior. And admitting it, being aware of it, and working to change that behavior is where the recovery from it lies.

So will I send her an email? No, I will not. Will I send her a text? No, I will not. In fact, if she does nothing to contact me before tomorrow, I will only email or text her tomorrow afternoon to make sure we are still on to meet at 6 simply for the fact that I don't want to waste the gas or the time. Fact is, I am a good guy, in good shape, working hard to improve myself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and I will not be desperate anymore. I look good for my age - for any age - and I am not going to sell myself short or disrespect myself by being "desperate." Someone out there should be desperate to be with me! Lol! I love myself now, and I am going to start treating myself like it. I am not some reject, some flawed, defective man who desperately needs someone to like him - I am not that. I am a good looling, smart, funny, caring individual in kick ass shape, and somewhere out there is a woman who will see and appreciate that - or maybe not.

And if there isn't one, if I must spend the rest of my life with no female partner, well, then I will just have to learn to do so with grace, love, humility and acceptance. Because I will simply not allow myself to settle for just anything, or anyone, out of desperation. I will honor and respect who and what I am in all things I do. And for that, for that awareness I am thankful : )