Don't email me - I won't email you

I have noticed lately that it seems with all the women I email regularly, or have in the past - e.g. Heather, Joanie, Barbara, Tina - really only email in response to something I write; they rarely ever send/sent an email just for the purpose of saying "hi" or to ask me what's up with me or tell me what's going on with them. The one person I can honestly say this does not apply to is Ty. She has always (or almost always) been good about either emailing me out of nowhere, or at least replying promptly. That is something else I have issues with too - emailing someone, and not getting a response for what seems like days. Of course, because of my unrealistic expectations, it only seems like days, and in reality is probably only hours.

I have had a bit of an 'awakening' today though - a moment of clarity, if you will : if I simply don't send people emails, either in my personal life or here at work (as there are people here too who take issue with the fact that I 'expect' prompt responses! Lol), then I don't have to be concerned with their response, because there can be none. If I do get an email from one of them, it is unsolicited, and can be viewed as a bit of a surprise, like "oh wow! How nice of (insert name here) to send me an email!""

Now for this to work of course, I have to NOT email any of those people. And for me, because I enjoy communicating, and on a more selfish level probably, want to get a response. it is hard for me not to email. Because with most of those women, if I don't/didn't send one of them something, it could be a very long time (for me), before I heard from them - if ever at all. And therein lies my challenge : to be ok with not getting any emails from any women - be they friends, potential dating partners, or even pen pals. As I said before, I am not including Ty in all this, as we seem to have some total connection, understanding and completely similar ideas about what communication between friends "should" look like.

It's funny - I was thinking last night how much I miss texting in a flirting way with someone too. I guess that is another aspect of this too. It's nice to have someone to flirt with. I think that is one of the things I miss the most about having an intimate partner - the flirting, sexting, and so on. Oh well. I should probably just let that whole thought process go for now.

It doesn't do any good to dwell on it really, because I am not doing anything to actually find someone, and I have no plans on doing so anytime soon. I have actually popped into PlentyOfFish and a few other sites lately, and after about 20 seconds, I think "bleh", and navigate away. I am still burnt out on the whole process. And it seems that when I look at the pics, I just see all the same women - similar wants, similar stories, similar descriptions, etc... To which, I say "blah blah blahhh....."

I think the key is to just not go from where I am now "down the rabbit hole" (as Diana says! Ha ha) that leads to the whole spiral of negative self talk and hopelessness that I always seem to find myself engaging in after a time. But this time, I am hoping to avoid that pitfall, and remain in the state of acceptance I am in at this very moment : grateful to be alive and sober; aware of the many benefits of being single; and taking comfort in the fact that just because I am single now doesn't mean I will always be. It is what it is for now - nothing more, nothing less. And things are good now. They really are. I just need to remember and hold on to that : )

Blah blah blah

I am sitting here feeling kind of blah. Not really feeling down or anything - just kind of blah. I was thinking that it would be cool to start up some kind of pen pal relationship with someone, but electronically. Looking back at the relationships I have had recently, I realize that is the one thing I really miss (other than the sex - at least in Tina's case anyway) : the correspondence. I really like corresponding with someone, emailing, texting... it's fun. Even moreso than talking on the phone I think.

I was actually checking Google to see what came up under "pen pals," and it appeared that there were a few sites that offer some type of pen pal connections. Most of them however seem to be targeted towards singles stuff, dating and so on. Admittedly, it would probably be more fun to engage in a correspondence with someone with whom there could be a little flirting and such. But that wouldn't necessarily have to be the case. Or maybe it would. Hell, I don't know. I am probably just as well off to keep posting here to my journal and 'talking to myself' as it were.

I was thinking today about whether or not I am going to go to Jamie's Halloween party this year, and I am kinda' thinking I won't. In fact, I really don't want to do any of the holidays this year - not without a partner, AGAIN. It gets old being "the single guy" at all these gatherings. I am hoping the kids can go to their mom's for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I can gracefully bow out of all the "celebrations." I will do what I have to to make sure the kids (or at least Tessi anyway) have a nice holiday. I just don't want to have hang out and pretend to be all happy and stuff, especially now that even Mikey is engaged. That basically leaves me and Dan as the ONLY single guys there. And at least Teri is his sister, Kristina and Mikey are his niece and nephew - it's his real family. Now that mom and I aren't even talking, I feel more like a "hanger on" than ever.

I have accepted the fact that I am single, and that there is really little I can, or want to do to change that at this time. But I don't think that means I have to keep putting myself into situations that are not comfortable for me, being single as I am. And the holidays, they are tough for me the way it is. It just makes it that much more uncomfortable being around a bunch of people who are married, thinking that my being single marks me as "the broken one" or something; or sitting there with envy because I don't have a special person. Yeah, I just don't want to be in that position this year.

I was thinking about sending Kristina an email about this today and telling her that I don't want to go this year, but I think I will wait and talk to Diana and maybe even Richard first before I do that. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't want to be entirely selfish this year. I just want to minimize the emotional pain as much as possible and try to include some activities that actually complement my being single - like maybe going to the alcothon, or some other related activities. I want to be around other single people like myself - I don't want to be around all the 'happily married', or even unhappily married people this year. It's one thing to accept my singleness, but it's another entirely to knowingly put myself in situations where that acceptance is going to tried to the limit.

Truly, really, honestly done - at least for the foreseeable future

It's probably not really "blog worthy" news, not like it is some new revelation (in fact, I probably already covered it in an earlier post) but I am really, truly done looking for a woman, looking for a date, looking for anything at all related to any of that stuff. I think I realized it for certain after watching a movie called "Bart Got a Room" this last week. In that movie, there is a young guy who is friends with this pretty girl ,and she gives him all these "signals" - signals that his dad tells him indicate that she likes him. And from watching what went on, it seems like an entirely plausuble theory. But when the boy asks the girl to go out, she looks at him as if she is shocked, and can't understand where he ever got the idea that she liked him in that way.

I too have experienced that same thing a few times lately, and it is very off-putting. It's hard enough to approach some woman whom I have no idea about it, and to then get rejected. But to approach some woman who I think is giving "signals", and to be rejected by her - well, that's just plain discouraging. And not just because I have been rejected; but even moreso for the fact that I have totally misread the 'signals', that I tried to overcome my tendency to overlook signals, only to do so and find out that the ones I was getting weren't the right ones. Oy vey - this business of trying to find a partner is just too much.

I was even thinking about it this morning as I looked in my closet, and it isn't even realistic for me to have a partner at this point in my life anyway. My closet is packed with stuff, my stuff, and I don't have room for anyone else's stuff. And to be honest, I don't really want to make room; I don't want to have keep my bathroom cleaner than it is; I don't want to have to change anything about the way I am currently doing things in my place. And, as long as I stay single, I don't have to.

Who knows - maybe it's not so bad being perenially single like my mom or my Uncle Davey; maybe I have been looking at it the wrong way all this time; maybe they are that way because they really, truly like it; and maybe I will end up really, truly liking it too. For one thing, it would allow me to relax, and stop "looking" constantly. I could just relax completely and stop worrying about trying to "impress the ladies" - not like I really worry about it now anyway. Heck, Tina even commented about that - how I never dressed up. Of course, whether or not that was entirely true was debatable. I will keep the weight off though and keep eating healthy - for me. I feel better, have more energy, and like the way I look. So I will continue doing that for me - not for them.

Of course, there is a part of me that plays back that old thing everyone says, "once you stop looking, that's when it will happen." But not only do I not believe that, I truly don't care anymore. I don't want to deal with the headache of it all; the long, drawn out "getting to know you" phase and all the 'fun' it brings. I just don't care anymore. I am accepting my fate for now. And my fate, for now, is to not have anyone for a partner. And I am ok with it for now. Who knows - maybe in 6, 9, 12 months, I will again gain some interest in looking. But for now, I am giving up the game. I am walking away, knowing that I did what I could do, that I gave it some great swings, but was just not able to get it out of the park. I'm setting the bat down, and am taking a season or 2 off to rehab my mind, heart and spirit. See ya' next season - maybe.