It's probably not really "blog worthy" news, not like it is some new revelation (in fact, I probably already covered it in an earlier post) but I am really, truly done looking for a woman, looking for a date, looking for anything at all related to any of that stuff. I think I realized it for certain after watching a movie called "Bart Got a Room" this last week. In that movie, there is a young guy who is friends with this pretty girl ,and she gives him all these "signals" - signals that his dad tells him indicate that she likes him. And from watching what went on, it seems like an entirely plausuble theory. But when the boy asks the girl to go out, she looks at him as if she is shocked, and can't understand where he ever got the idea that she liked him in that way.
I too have experienced that same thing a few times lately, and it is very off-putting. It's hard enough to approach some woman whom I have no idea about it, and to then get rejected. But to approach some woman who I think is giving "signals", and to be rejected by her - well, that's just plain discouraging. And not just because I have been rejected; but even moreso for the fact that I have totally misread the 'signals', that I tried to overcome my tendency to overlook signals, only to do so and find out that the ones I was getting weren't the right ones. Oy vey - this business of trying to find a partner is just too much.
I was even thinking about it this morning as I looked in my closet, and it isn't even realistic for me to have a partner at this point in my life anyway. My closet is packed with stuff, my stuff, and I don't have room for anyone else's stuff. And to be honest, I don't really want to make room; I don't want to have keep my bathroom cleaner than it is; I don't want to have to change anything about the way I am currently doing things in my place. And, as long as I stay single, I don't have to.
Who knows - maybe it's not so bad being perenially single like my mom or my Uncle Davey; maybe I have been looking at it the wrong way all this time; maybe they are that way because they really, truly like it; and maybe I will end up really, truly liking it too. For one thing, it would allow me to relax, and stop "looking" constantly. I could just relax completely and stop worrying about trying to "impress the ladies" - not like I really worry about it now anyway. Heck, Tina even commented about that - how I never dressed up. Of course, whether or not that was entirely true was debatable. I will keep the weight off though and keep eating healthy - for me. I feel better, have more energy, and like the way I look. So I will continue doing that for me - not for them.
Of course, there is a part of me that plays back that old thing everyone says, "once you stop looking, that's when it will happen." But not only do I not believe that, I truly don't care anymore. I don't want to deal with the headache of it all; the long, drawn out "getting to know you" phase and all the 'fun' it brings. I just don't care anymore. I am accepting my fate for now. And my fate, for now, is to not have anyone for a partner. And I am ok with it for now. Who knows - maybe in 6, 9, 12 months, I will again gain some interest in looking. But for now, I am giving up the game. I am walking away, knowing that I did what I could do, that I gave it some great swings, but was just not able to get it out of the park. I'm setting the bat down, and am taking a season or 2 off to rehab my mind, heart and spirit. See ya' next season - maybe.
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