Surviving

That is the way to describe the weekend - I survived it. I was sick most of the weekend, still feeling like crap. I was able to pretty much lay around all day Saturday, which was nice - I needed it. Sunday morning I woke up, and Galen had left a bit of a mess in the living room and left the computer desk totally trashed. He basically spent all day Saturday on the computer, and it showed. So I decided to lock him out of the computer again - to ground him from it for a while. And, as is typical, he was asking me yesterday afternoon already if he could get on for a few to "check something." I said no, and when he asked me when he would be able to get back on again, I said whenever I decided.

I also took the opportunity to tell him, while Tessi wasn't there (she spent the night at Carrie's) that although I would "pretend" to be all nicey-nice when Tess was around, I wasn't going to do so when she wasn't. I explained to him (AGAIN) that in our society, people have to work to get paid, and that for him, his 'work' was to go to school and to pass his classes. And since he didn't choose to do either because he didn't "feel like it," then he would not earn any 'pay' - pay in this case baing computer time.

And he will be losing other pay too. I told him originally I was going to let him keep his phone because it was helpful to me to be able to get ahold of him. Then Sunday morning, I get a call from Tessi wondering what was wrong with Galen. She was worried about him, as he had texted Sam telling her there was some "life and death" situation. I told Tessi that he was fine, he was laying in bed. So later, I asked Galen what the life and death situation that he texted his mom about was, and he said his friend was having trouble with his girlfriend. Yeah. So Sam is all worried, and Tessi is all worried - for what? Well, that basically swayed my decision to letting his cellphone service get cancelled. Seems there is more negative that comes from it than positive.

Another change I put in place was that he is going to start doing his own laundry. Having someone do your laundry for you is a privilege, and I am not going to provide that service as a privilege to someone who is not only not doing their job (going to school), but doing NOTHING at all. He can wash his own clothes. He thinks Derek's dad Paul is so cool, and is always telling me what Paul says about stuff - well, now he can live by some of "Paul's wisdom" and wash his own clothes like Derek does. I am doing nothing for this kid anymore above and beyond the bare minimum of what I need to. I also told him to not bug Tessi for money or for the password to the computer.

Is all this the right stuff to do? Who the hell knows. I know that it is miserable having to live with him, and to be tough all the time. It is like all the joy in my life (what little true joy there was) has just been sucked out of me. And now, I am left as depressed as I have ever been. Well, ok - not quite as bad : I am not as suicidal as I was last year at this time. And I am actually feeling a little better today. I made a counselling appt for him today at 3pm (yet another attempt to do something to help with this shit) and I have one with Diana tonight at 8pm. So hopefully I will get back on an upward trend again.

One thing I have figured out though : it is best for anyone that they are not involved with me right now. In fact, I think it will be a long time, if ever, that I can actually be involved with anyone again. I realize now that my desire to be in a relationship with someone is purely selfish, because I have nothing to give. I want someone to support me emotionally, to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. But I have nothing to offer them - nothing but a bunch of dark thoughts and self-pity. It is something I have known for a long time, but just haven't wanted to admit to myself because I can't stand the thought of it, and really don't like being alone as far as an intimate relationship goes and going without the physical affection (hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggling) that I so crave.

But the truth is the truth, and I have to learn to live with it - just like the stuff with Galen, my mom, my depression - it is what it is, and I have to live with it. Or maybe, as it has been lately, at least survive.