Let the new era BEGIN - thank GOD!

Well, I got the call I was hoping for yesterday - I was offered the BA position at GCU. YES! Not only that, but they are offering more $$$ than I actually asked for - $75K instead of the 70K I asked for. What a blessing. You know, it's kinda' funny : I have had this fortune from a fortune cookie taped to the top of my monitor here for some time now, and it really seems to have come true. It reads : "No obstacles will stand in the way of your success this year." Indeed, there were many obstacles to success this year : the loss of merit increases at Banner; the difficulties at BGA; the loss of that job and the extended (for me) 5 weeks of unemployment; the loss of ambition for coding here at Sage, no doubt hurried along by the extreme micro-management John practices; the searching for a BA position with no real, extended experience as a BA. I mean, if those aren't some obstacles...!

Yet, through it all, it seems as though I have come to a place that I thought I might not be able to reach - a place of finally being able to make a career change, and miraculously, with no seemingly ill effects or major disruptions to my income. For awhile there, I had almost completely given up on being able to do so. In fact, I was even applying for help desk positions - ones in which I would have made half of what I do now - just to get out of coding. And here I sit today with an offer for more than I am currently making, with a great company, with awesome benefits, and in the field of education. Does it get any better than that?

Of course I realize that there are still many challenges to be faced on the road ahead. There are many unknowns that I will have to contend with. And there is no certainty that I will like working at GCU, or even like being a BA. But I just keep thinking of the fortune stuck on my monitor. It has become a mantra to me, and I actually find myself repeating it at times, reminding myself of the hope it holds. Something tells me that 'this year' is going to become every year, as I plan on keeping that little fortune cookie fortune and instilling that mantra deep within my psyche. It's about time for me to enjoy some success and be able to navigate the obstacles to get there. Of course, I don't do any of it alone, and I am very grateful to my HP for always being there for, and with me. 

Movin' on - hopefully soon

Over the course of the last month or so, I have solidified my belief that I don't want to be a code monkey anymore and taken the first steps to actively seeking a position as a business analyst. There have a been a number of days recently when I have just not wanted to come in to work, and when I do, I can hardly stand to think that I have to sit here at the PC and code all day - again. So, instead of just whining about it and hoping things will magically change, I sent out some emails to recruiters I have worked with in the past asking about BA positions.

I got a bite quicker than I thought I would and actually went on an interview yesterday for a junior-mid level BA position with Grand Canyon University. The people I interviewed with seemed super nice, and I am hopeful that I will get an offer. The benefits are excellent, and both of the directors I talked with, one of whom I would be working under (they actually have 2 positions open, so I could end up working for either of them) seemed extremely friendly and honest. I was thinking I might hear something today, but if not today then definitely Monday. Of course me, being the ever-patient person, am ok waiting as long as I need to... Ha ha ha! In all reality though, I am ok if I don't hear back today. I have a job, and although it's not what I would prefer to be doing, it isn't unbearable either.

The nice thing is, if I don't get the position at least I know that there are some positions out there for which I might be a good fit. And there are some hiring managers who will be willing to interview me even though I haven't been in a pure BA position before. I have also learned that I actually did do a lot of BA-type duties when I was at Banner, and even when I was at Blue Cross Blue Shield - I just never really thought about them that way. I am going to re-do my resume' if necessary to highlight those skills and am positive that I could get something.

And as much as I convinced myself a year or 2 ago that I wouldn't be happy in a BA position - probably more as a means of coping with the fact that I didn't get it (at Banner) - I know see that it is a much better fit for my personality style and offers a much clearer path to upper management or other advancement opportunities. It seems to me that sitting in a cube coding, I am never really going to go anywhere. And knowing developers like I do, I have no desire to be a director of development. I don't think I have thick enough skin and the mettle to do it without just hating it.

It feels good to have finally made an actual decision about this, as I have been pondering it and going back and forth for some time.  Most people I have talked to in the field have told me that I ought to stay in development, that the job security and demand is better, and that it's harder to find someone who can code than it is a BA. That caused me to tell myself a lot of fear stories, which in turn kept me from pursuing it further. Bit I remembered something someone told me along the way - and that is that no matter what you do, if you are passionate about it and do it with excellence, you will always be able to get a job. Not only that, but  I believe that doing something that is actually enjoyable, or allows me to utilize my other talents such as writing and speaking will open up several doors and opportunities that would otherwise go undiscovered.

I am honestly thinking I am going to get an offer from GCU, be it today or Monday. So I am not going to go too far into "if I don't...." just yet. Instead, I am going to be patient, think positive, and enjoy my afternoon. I am looking forward to spending a nice weekend with my fiance', and life is really good - way better than I could ever have imagined it would be at this point in my life, especially considering the 17 year 'detour' I took! Lol! I am grateful to God, the Universe, my HP, and whoever/whatever else might be responsible for the Grace I experience in my life. Blessed, I am, and my gratitude is unending : )

Back to work - thank God

I am happy to say that I am finally back to work, and at what seems to be a very good company. It's really weird because after going on a number of interviews (DriveTime, contract for ADOT, Business and Decision, Noteworthy Medical, Concorde), being passed up on 2 (DriveTime and Concorde), and delayed indefinitely on 2 (ADOT and Noteworthy), I was starting to get a little frustrated. But I pulled myself back together and decided to start anew the week of June 27th. Strangely though, something told me that I was probably going to have something show up out of nowhere - something unexpected - and that it would be the opportunity I had been seeking.

So Monday morning, lo and behold, I get an email from an internal recruiter for a company called Sage. I had received emails from internal recruiters before, only to have them either fizzle totally, or not work out, like in the case of DriveTime. I called the contact though, had a brief phone interview, and he said he would like to set up a phone interview for me with the hiring manager - that afternoon. I was pretty impressed with the speed that it was moving and had the call with the manager at about 4:30pm. It went very well too, and I liked the fact that the manager I spoke with told me that they were interested as much in personality as technical skills, as it was important to him to have people that were easy to work with. He asked if I could come in very soon for an interview, and I said absolutely.

This part is kinda' funny - I got an email from the HR contact, Mike Kim, about the interview, and I could have sworn it said it was for the next day - Tuesday - at 2:30pm. And I was pretty darned excited about that. So the next day, I headed in to their office off of Scottsdale Road and Doubletree Ranch for my interview. When the manager, John Perona, came out to get me, he mentioned that he thought the interview had been scheduled for Wednesday, but that either way, it was ok to go ahead and have it that day, as he didn't want me to have to come all the way back again.

So I went into the interview, and.... well, I will continue this tomorrow. But suffice it to say, the interview went well, I got the job, it seems to be a great company, it is an actual software company, and to this point, I am very happy and grateful to God for such a cool opportunity. My first day was July 11th - praise jeebus! Lol.

Gesture of love and kindness

Just a little mini-update here : yesterday morning while we were talking on the phone, Debbie offered to come over and see me before I had to go to my HOA meeting. I took her up on it, and we met at the Starbucks on 7th ave and Missouri for about an hour. It was really, really good to be able to meet and talk in person, and I was - I am - so grateful that she came over to my side of town so we could do that.

I think that is another perfect example of just why I love her so much : because she is willing to go out of her way to make sure I am ok, and to make sure that I know how much she cares about me. I sometimes think of things in absolutes, and when it comes to comparing present experiences with past ones, that seems to hold true. I often find myself thinking "no one has EVER done this for me before," "no one was EVER good to me like this", etc. In fact, chances are that some of my past girlfriends were, and I just was not able to see it at those times. So maybe I am a little overly biased when it comes to this stuff.

But whatever the case may be, she definitely seems to know more often than not exaclty what my heart and head need to feel loved and cared for. And that is absolutely precious to me. This woman is THE most beautiful woman I have ever dated (on this, I am sure!) and to think that she is also the most loving and carig - well, what a miraculous blessing that is.

What a difference a day makes, eh?

March Update

Wow - as so often seems to happen, it looks like it has been awhile since my last post. I suppose I ought to address some of the "outstanding issues" from my last post. First off, I was (very happily) able to get that busted bolt out of the hole. I think it was the very night after I posted, or maybe the next one. I bought a new pair of REAL Vice Grips, went out there and whacked the stud with a framing hammer a few times, locked on and started rotating back and forth. Then, that magical moment came when I felt it give way.... ahhhh.... the sweetness of that feeling! To make things even better, instead of having to wait for the part I ordered to arrive (in fact, it STILL hasn't come - have to send an email about that), I got some advice on the forum to go down to good ol' Ace Hardware. So I did, and whaddya' know - they had just what I needed. So I was able to get the busted stud out, put the new one on, and get back on my bike within 2 days of that last post. Yeaahhhh!

Next, I am sitting here at my desk at my new job at Black, Gould and Associates (actually the 'arm' I work for is called AGB Business Services - the software side of the company) and I am loving it. The people are every bit as nice as I had hoped they would be, and the equipment I am using is leagues above what I had to work with at Banner. My PC here has 8GB of memory - at Banner, I think I had 2, maybe 3. The benefits are awesome too. And speaking of beneifts, there is a really nice sports club right across the street that I joined last Friday. Yesterday was my first workout, and the place is awesome. Tons of machines, no waiting, full facilities with full basketball court, shower/locker room, hot tub, sauna, even towel service is included. Now, I can get back to a regular workout schedule. And it's really nice to think that I don't have to work around the 'closed' hours like I did at Banner. As a regular club, it's open 7 days a week, and at hours that will allow me to work out M-W-F, which is what I prefer.

On the relationship front, things with Debbie and I have been getting better and better. It seems I am even more in love with her now than I was before, and that love is only growing stronger. We have been learning to communicate better and the amount of time we spend in confusion, or being upset, is growing less and less with each passing day. I really, really want to be with her even more - to live together. I am not quite sure how to accomplish that, seeing as how I am in a mortgage that I am so  upside down on. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try and think of some options - and to pray like hell about it! Ha ha! And I would be remiss if I didn't say that sex with her is absolutely incredible. It too just keeps getting better and better, and she pleases me in ways no other woman has, and ways that I wasn't even sure were possible. Talk about grateful.

I guess a nice topic to wrap this up with is probably the most important of all : on March 24th, I celebrated 8 years of continuous sobriety. It is such a miracle, and an absolute blessing. It is only because I am sober that all of these other blessings are even possible, and I never want to forget that. I was thinking yesterday just how 'rich' I am. I have a nice motorcycle, a nice truck, a nice place to live, a great job - all the material things a person could want. And then I have 2 wonderful, healthy children, a great brother and his family, and a beautiful, wonderful woman to share my life with. I truly am living a dream that I never thought possible, and I am so, so thankful to the God of my understanding for all the good stuff. Oh, and I have a sponsee now too. His name is Holmes. God help him! Lol!  : )

Yaaayyyy! I can get to my blog again! (oh yeah - and other updates...)

Wow, what do you know - I can access my blog again at work without having to bypass the web filter by clicking "View this site now." Yaaayyyy! I know, I know - it probably isn't the most productive or ethical thing for me to be blogging at work. But, I look at it like this : according to the state of Arizona labor laws, a person who works 8 hours is entitled to two 15 minute breaks in addition to lunch (and I know this is true from having done a little factory/warehouse work in my past). And, in the past, I would have taken these perdiods to smoke a cig. It's just that now, instead of smoking a cig (I quit New Year's Eve of 2006), I blog. How's that for a good rationalization/justification - written like a true addict! Haha

Ok - we all know what the big story is - Debbie, and how awesome things are going with her. And I must say, they really are going wonderfully. We are meeting tonight at Hob Nob's to exhange gifts and I SOOO looking forward to it. I think it is fair to say that we keep getting closer and closer, and when we parted Sunday, I could really sense that she did not want to - perhaps ever. We have talked about getting the kids together to meet, and I am hoping we can arrange that soon, as we both are quite certain that we want to be with the other for a long, long time to come. I am about 99.999999999864% certain that I am going to end up asking her to marry me. It's just a matter of time.

I am still in awe at just how perfectly she matches my "wish list: for a woman, right down to the milky white skin, ample breasts, and nice feet and hands! (yes, I know I am a bit of a freak in those respects, but hey - we ARE talking dream woman here! Lol). She has beautiful eyes, and every time we are out, I catch guys looking at her. How could they not? She's absolutely beautiful. Wow, I am just so tripped out to think I am with her. And the thing that is just increible truly unbelievable, is the fact that she is so humble - and genuinely so, not like she has to put on some front that she is. Sheez, I really hope I didn't croak a couple of weeks ago, and now I am living in my own little "Matrix world", while all the while my body is in some hospital room somewhere! But hey, if it is, give me the red pill, cuz I want to stay in this dream for the duration! haha

In other news, I have been incredibly lazy at work over the last week or 2. But in all fairness, at this time of year, that is typically the status quo - at least in my dept. I don't think anyone really wants to be here, and there is much more visiting and "merriment" than normally goes on. Fortunately, I don't really have any major projects working right now anyway, so being a slug fits into the current schedule very nicely indeed!

The kids have been doing very well. Galen has gone for over a month now without generating any calls from the school to me - woo hoo! On top of that, he has been respectful and loving at home too. Tessi has been doing well, as usual, and spending a lot of time away from home at either Kk's, or Clarice's. Galen is spending this week at his friend Alex's, so I am getting some awesome "kid-free" time - quite a bit as of late. And it's perfect timing too, as it is allowing Deb and I to meet fairly often and really get to know each other. It really seems that all is in a state of total harmony right now - Thank GOD!

And I will close with that : Thank God, for everything; for the kids being happy and healthy; for me being healthy and happy; for Debbie coming into my life; for Marshal and Kristina and Qbert being healthy and happy; for Kristina being pregnant again, with a boy AND girl this time; for family, friends, a good job, a roof over our heads, food to eat and clothes to wear. My prayer is that all who are suffering this Christmas be relieved of their suffering, and that all those who are able to assist in producing that end do so, and in the most effective, efficient, and loving manner possible. To all the world, solar system, galaxy, and entire Universe, I send Blessings of Love and Harmony....

One step closer to the dream...

Debbie and I met for breakfast Sunday morning at The Good Egg off Dobson and the 60. I had been obsessing a bit before then about asking her about her marriages and what brought them to ends. Basically, the way I saw it was that any man in his right mind would be a complete idiot or insane to divorce this woman, and I just had to know if that had ever been the case. Turns out that, in a bit of a confirmation of my suspicions, it was she who asked for both divorces - the first one stemming from her ex not trusting her while he was out of country (in the military) and deciding to up and head to Japan without really asking what she thought; she said that in regards to the second one, he was a little less that completely honest with her - she caught him in conflicting stories - and that was pretty much a dealbreaker for her. I must say, I was somewhat relieved to find all that out.

Of course, with her having divulged her past, I opened up about what really caused the end of my marriage and the substance abuse problems that I had. I was a little scared at first, as she got a bit of a shocked look on her face, and for a moment I thought, "uh-oh - that was it - it's all over". But, that was not the case. She said she understood; that it wasn't an issue given the fact that I had been sober for some time; and that she actually appreciated the fact that I was so honest. I was SOOOO relieved, because I was really hoping that I would get a chance to go deeper with her.

So we decided after we were done eating (and grabbing some Starbucks) that we would go to an antique shop she wanted to hit. She drove there and I rode along with her. When we got there, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was almost exactly like the Brass Armadillo - an indoor antique mall! So we wandered through the shop, looking at all the various treasures, talking about how some of the things reminded us of our childhoods, talking about our views on spirituality, laughing and joking about some of the various stuff, just enjoying each other's company. Before I knew it, it was 1:30pm! We had met just after 9 at the restaurant, which meant that we had been together for over 4 hours. Again, I just could not believe how quickly time flies with this woman. Wonderful indeed.

On the way back to her car, I had decided that I was going to go in for the kiss when we said goodbye. I wasn't 100% sure that she would be ok with it, but I wanted - I had - to try. So when we got back, we stood outside chatting for a few, and then we hugged. As I pulled back from the hug, I was pleasantly surprised to see her "in position" for the kiss, so I went for it. It started out as a very mild, lips only variety, but she was definitely into it as much as I was, and we ended up kissing quite a bit actually. I really like the way she touched my cheek and the back of my neck - that was so awesome. And I took her cheek in my hand, and her skin was as soft as silk - I mean, it was unbelievably soft... felt so good.  (oh yeah - and that thing about not getting wood? Yeah, that doesn't apply any more, cuz I have MAJOR wood right now just thinking about her! Lol)

Since then, we have been emailing/texting/talking on the phone, and getting closer and closer. I am amazed to think that this woman is really in my life, that I am really dating her, that we really kissed. She is just so freakin' beautiful. And not only is it real, but she tells me the same thing - that she is so grateful to have met me, and that 'she wonders what she did good in her life to deserve me' - can you/I/anyone believe that?!?! I know I am tripping out on it, and in a very good/dreamlike way. I honestly believe, to the very core of my being, that I am going to end up making the first proposal I have ever made in my life to this very woman (when Sam and I got married, it was more like a 'may as well' thing - definitely no romantic proposal involved). In fact, I have already been going through the dialog in my mind. Getting ahead of myself? Probably. Granted I have not met her kids or anything yet. But hey - I think now, that this is happening, I may as well dream big, because it is fairly obvious now -dreams do come true!

Wow, talk about trippin'... I am seriously blown away, and extremely grateful. If I am dreaming, I pray to never awake. And if I am dead, well then I hope I make a great zombie, cuz I'm not coming back willfully! Lol

Feeling better, thank goodness

I have started getting back to feeling good over the last few days, and after almost 2 weeks of depression, I am very grateful. I got a much needed break from both kids this weekend, as Galen stayed over at Alex's and Tessi over at Gen's. I really needed it, and I made good use of it too. Saturday, I went to my first ACoA meeting, and it was very, very good. I am definitely going to start attending regularly. It almost reminded me of some of the better Knights retreats I went on, where people got real honest and expressed a lot of emotion, a lot of hurt and pain. I could TOTALLY relate to what people shared too, and that was nice. So I will definitely go back again this Satruday.

Then, Sunday night, Todd treated me out to the Jack Johnson concert. I am not a big fan, as his music all sounds too similar for my taste, but it was a very good show, and I always have a good time with Todd. He had told me there would be a lot of good looking single women there, but in fact, it was mostly couples. Not hard to imagine why - seems like his music would be good to listen to with "your sweetie". But no matter - it was a good show, and I especially enjoyed one of the openers, G-Love, and really liked it when he brought G-Love out and they did a few numbers together. That was pretty rockin'.

Yesterday, I took the day off on PTO, and Tessi wasn't feeling well, so she stayed home (probably overtired from staying at Gen's, but whatever). In any case, I was trying to take a nap on the couch around 11:30am when she came out and said "Dad, I found a bedbug on my bed." So I went in and checked, and sure enough - she too had bedbugs. There was a little on crawling on her pillow, and when I lifted up her boxsprings, we saw at least 3 or 4 other ones. I really can't afford to buy another new bed -  not to  mention that bed is only like 3 or 4 years old - so we went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought some bedbug-proof encasements for both the mattress and boxspring - $160 worth, which I really couldn't afford either, but it's cheaper than a whole new bed - and did the whole drill with her room : packed everything up and went to the laundromat to wash and dry on high and cleaned up and vaccumed the hell out of her room. We also bought some spray stuff to put on the baseboards and the bottom of the boxspring before we encased it. Hopefully that will at least keep them off her when she is sleeping. Oh yeah - we also did my "redneck bug tape trap" to her frame legs too to hopefully keep them from crawling up onto it.

This whole bedbug thing is a bit nerve wracking, but I am trying to keep it in perspective and not get too freaked out about it. I know I sure was at first, and Tess was pretty freaked out about it yesterday. She had a bit of a hard time relaxing and getting to sleep last night, and I can't blame her really. She noticed that the encasement on the boxsprings was touching the floor, so we pulled up all the slack and tucked it under the mattress. She was also the one who asked f we could do the tape job to hers. I feel bad for her, because I know how it feels - the total heebie jeebies. I joined an online forum called bedbugger.com, and some people have literally been driven to the point of madness or contemplating suicide from these things. I guess if it was some other kind of bug, it wouldn't be so bad. But just knowing that they live to sneak onto you and suck your blood while you are sleeping - I guess it's just to creepy and disturbing; not like a little beetle, or even a roach that is just crawling on you; but something that actually FEEDS on you. Yuck!

Other than the bedbug issue, things are going much better. Galen and I have actually been getting along pretty well, and I have quit bugging and nagging him about school. I have implemented some of the rule/reward systems that Diana and I talked about, and they seem to be working well. I am still a little down about the dating situation, but have been staying in contact with friends and even got a really nice card from Ty. So I am grateful. Grateful to alive, greatful to have some sense of peace back in my head, grateful to have a good job, grateful to be getting along with Galen, grateful for a daughter who behaves as well as she does, grateful for friends, grateful for the Program, grateful to the Universe and grateful to be sober. I need always remember that - to be grateful for everything, as I for one know just how fragile it all is, and just how easily it can be taken for granted or forgotten. Let me not forget...

Latest Galen update

This is taken from an email I sent Heather this morning (why rewrite all this, right?) :

 I have had a pretty rough week myself, although things finally turned around a bit yesterday. My son was gone all weekend - which I expected. But then I didn't hear from him all day Monday, so I started getting concerned that he wouldn't make the appt. I had made with a psychiatrist for him to get evaluated. I went to his school Tuesday to talk to him, but he didn't go to class. So I texted a couple of his friends (I had taken his phone away) and said that he needed to get in touch with me or I was going to report him as a runaway. Lo and behold, about 15 minutes later, I got a text from him.

I told him that I thought it would be best if he came home and stayed Tuesday night so we could go the appt, and that we would decide what to do after. The psychiatrist we met with was really good, and to my great relief, she agreed with me that it doesn't really seem like he has ADHD - she is more inclined to think it is a mood disorder, and prescribed something to help with that. I told Galen that I thought he ought to stay at home for the first 2 weeks, after which we were scheduled to go in for a follow up, and then after that, if he still wanted to leave, he could. He agreed, and that was somewhat of a relief.

So last night, as I was getting ready for bed, he came in and basically apologized and said that he wanted to stay at home, even after the 2 weeks between now and the follow up, and that he really wanted to try to turn things around. I told him that words were just words, and that is was actions that counted. He agreed, we hugged, said I love you's, and went to bed. So, after everything, it sounds like we may have gotten through to him - again, for the moment. I am really hoping this medication can help stabilize his moods a bit and help him to sleep better. I didn't realize it, but he hasn't been getting very good sleep for some time, and that can really play hell with a person's moods. That is one major benefit of this medication too - it is taken at night, and supposed to make a person a little drowsy. So we'll see how it works.

---------

And that about sums it up. I was starting to get a little down last night (before the whole "hug" thing). But fortunately I had an appt scheduled with Diana, and I think it really helped a lot. I am very happy with the progress I have made, and the fact that I was able to avoid going down the whole 'what did I do wrong?' road. And I think talking things through with Diana (while hooked up to the EMDR) helped quite a bit. It was also nice to hear her suggest to let Galen have his weekends as long as he goes to school and passes his classes. Because I was planning on that, but wasn't confident that it was the "good parent" thing to do - thought maybe I was just being selfish in not wanting to have to try to deal with his sighs and grumbles from having to stay home all weekend. With Diana actually suggesting it, I felt a big sense of relief. She even went a step further and suggested maybe giving him some extra time on Wednesday nights to stay out a bit later.

Basically the message I got from her was that it's important to get him to 'buy in' to all this, and that it might be worth the risk to let him go out on weekends and "smoke pot and have sex" as Diana said, if it helps to get him to go to school and actually pass his classes. I was actually quite surprised to hear her put it like that. At the same time, it was music to my ears, because I could see how that might actually work, and avoid the situation of him being angry and resentful all the time for not getting to do what he wants, in addition to allowing me to have some time on the weekends to wind down and do my own thing. The real goal, as I stated to her, was to get him to graduate high school. What happens after that, when he is a legal adult, well, that will be up to him.

So today, I am feeling much relieved, happier about the whole situation, and grateful for the way things have worked out - all  the way around; from Diana's suggestions and the peace I can see them bringing; to Galen's coming around and saying that he did care and that he wants to be home; to all the friends I have like Ty and Heather, Doug, Todd and others who reassured me that I am a good dad; to myself - my Highest Self that has taken the time to really love, accept and work on those places inside that have needed healing for so long. Thank you God, thank you Universe, and thank you Kevin : )

Thoughts on meditation

Usually on Monday mornings, I post something about the previous weekend. But, there really wasn't much that happened of note this weekend. Tessi had Genesys come over to spend the night Saturday, and I took the girls swimming for a while Saturday afternoon. Sunday, the Cardinals played their first game of the season and won, which was awesome. I got a massage last night, which felt really good. And that's about it. Oh yeah - I got calls on both Saturday and Sunday about the Telecom Log, and had to sign in and fix some crap that crashed because of our server phx04019 crashing, AGAIN. It ALMOST ruined the Cardinals game, but thank God, didn't!

So about the title of this post - I was noticing this morning when I was meditating, or trying anyway, that it was EXTREMELY difficult to get my mind to quiet down. It's fascinating to me how sometimes, it is not all too hard to get into a state of deep meditation, where my mind is quiet, and I am really resonating with the sounds and vibrations of whatever CD I am listening to. Then other times, like this morning, I can't, for the life of me, get even 10 seconds of "chatter free" time from my mind  - it is just constantly racing with all kinds of different thoughts. I am thinking that some of the reason it may have been so bad was that I missed my morning meditation Saturday morning, as I was awakened by Galen coming in and telling me that there was someone named Rachel on the phone. It was Rachel from work calling about that ticket - so I didn't get a chance to meditate.

And I guess, just like so many other things, that if you - if I - skip a practice, then I lose a little bit of progress. I am going to start keeping track, even if just casually, of when it is that I miss meditations, and see if that has an impact on it. In fact, I am thinking about keeping a "meditation log," and simply writing down after each meditation whether it was ok, good, or great, and maybe capturing what thoughts - if it was only ok - were running around in my head. I'm not quite sure how I would do it yet, and I only want to do it if it is going to add some real benefit, as otherwise, it would be defeating the very purpose of meditation.

As far as work goes, I think Better Together is finally stable, and now I will be getting with Erik to start helping with BEAT..... yay. I'm so excited. NOT! This thing seems like a real cluster, but hey - I am grateful to have a job, so I can't complain.

Not sure what the rest of the week will hold - I guess we'll just have to take it as it comes. Is there really any other way? I have my AA meeting that I chair tonight, HOA meeting tomorrow night, and who knows what else. I'm grateful to God to be sober, grateful to be out of my severe depression, and grateful to have a job.
Thank you Lord.

Steady as she goes

I guess the title pretty much sums up the current state I am in - steady as she goes. I am not in some joyous state of exuberance, but I am not depressed either. And I am thinking that this in-between state, this place of relative calmness and serenity, might be the best place for me to stay. I think too often I try to achieve some level oh "happiness" that I feel I am somehow missing, and by doing so, set myself up for some greater downfall later, and that kind of happiness can never last. I think I wrote about this a little in an earlier post too.

I am not totally giving up on everything woman related though. In fact, today we went out to lunch at this place we have been a few times before called "Carly's" and there is this waitress there that I just drool over. She is brunette, petite, naturally pretty and has a GREAT ass. So today, when we were finished, I went up to her and asked her if  she has a boyfriend, thinking that I would ask her to coffee or something if she didn't. But alas, she does, and so I simply told her that she was pretty and left it at that. But instead of getting all bummed out about it, I was happy in the fact that I had the courage and self-confidence to at least go up and ask her.

And that is how I am going take things for now : if an opportunity like that arises, and I feel compelled, I will take action. But I am not going to actively seek anyone or anything right now. I am going to enjoy some time with friends, with the kids, with people from the Program, and with myself. I am going to work on overcoming this 'lonely' feeling within, as that is what the real issue is, and not the fact that I don't have a girlfriend. I know from experience that never solved or cured anything.

So we'll see what happens. In all honesty, I am still a bit down about being single. And it is exaclty THAT that I am trying to address and heal - that part of me that is down simply because I AM single. I think I have been focusing too much on the illusory cure - finding someone - instead of the real malady, which is that thought that causes a feeling that translates to loneliness. Yep - that's where it's at today. I am grateful to God to be sober, to be alive, and to at least have the awareness of what it is that I need to heal - that I need healing at all. Lord knows, a lot of people never even get that far, and I need to give myself some credit for that - to be gentle with myselfm, as Diana says; and to love and nurture myself. Because I am worth it - I really am.

A real bugger

Man, depression can be a real bugger sometimes. Even with all the great stuff that happened this weekend - the friends, the invites, the convos, the treating - I still am feeling a bit down today. Of course it doesn't help that I just checked out Kristina's blog, and she has pics posted of the family trip to Sedona, with her and Marsh and Q, Mike and Teri, Mikey and his new fiance' Tina, Bill and Linda - everyone AND someone else. See a recurring them there? Yeah, nothing like rubbing it in my own face. I swear, someday I am going to be able to view that blog with something other than envy and despair.

I have been doing a little scanning on the net - Amazon.com to be exact - for some books on loneliness, seeing if perhaps there were some out there that address this topic in a manner that might offer some healing for a heart like mine. I found a couple of good ones, one called "Positive Solitude", and another one that I have decided to get immediately (in fact I am stopping by a used bookstore on the way home to see if they have a copy) called "Healing Your Aloneness - Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child". From the excerpts I have read, it sounds like just what the doctor ordered, and perfeclty describes much of what I am feeling inside.

I am seeing clearly that I have to really get to the root of this inner loneliness - and that's what it really is, a crippling, cold loneliness - and attack it at it's core so I can learn to find that true, deep happiness - or at least lack of despair - that will release me from the burden of pain and shame that I carry inside. I have had periods this year where I have been ok with being single, and some of these periods have actually lasted for more than just a day, or even a week or 2. So that is progress for me, and I am very grateful for that. I know now that it is possible. I only need to learn to sustain those feelings for even longer, and perhaps even heal those wounds deep inside that cause the pain.

And that is what I am trying to accomplish in getting this new book, as well as reading the book that Diana sent home with me, a very good one called "The Enneagram of Liberation..." and some subtitle about freeing ourselves from fixations. I have read about 20 pages of it so far, and it is excellent. I am going to continue reading it, and then when I am finished, start this other book, which I will hopefully find a used copy of tonight. And if not tonight, then I will probably swing by Bookman's sometime this week to see if they have it.

So, even though the depression is once again nagging, and clinging on to me, refusing to just go away quickly or easily, at least I am taking conscious action to do whatever I can to address, counteract, and maybe even overcome it. I am not just curling up in a ball with the covers over my head and isolating from everyone. I am remaining active and engaged, and participating in my own recovery. And I must remember that if that is the best I can do, that is pretty darned good. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is no indication of some fault of mine that I have not gotten over it just yet. It is just an experience that I am having, a challenge I am facing and an opportunity for self-growth that I am facing. It is not me, and it is not what defines me. In truth, I am whole, I am complete and at peace with all that is. I am just working to remember that at a soul level, and forget all that "good stuff" I pciked up along the way.

What a difference a weekend can make

So it's not news to know that I was feeling pretty depressed for most of last week. I had my appt with Diana Thursday and felt better after. Friday was a short day at work, and a day that saw Jennifer come over to my desk, look over the Better Together app, and tell me it looked very nice. All that was very good, and served to really start pulling me out of my depression. Little did I know that the events of the weekend would continue that trend, and in ways I could not have imagined.

It started off with getting a text Friday evening from Paul Fischer inviting me to dinner before the meeting with him and some other guys. I accepted, and was very flattered and grateful to have been invited, as Paul has a lot of sobriety, and I always like what he shares. I like what he's got. Not long after accepting that invite, I got a call from John Ybarra from work. He told me that he and his wife Marie were going to go to Spinato's over by where I live, and they were wondering if I would like to join them. I told him I would love to, but that I had already accepted a dinner invite from another friend. I mentioned that if they went out again sometime though, to let me know, and I would love to join them.

So I met Paul for dinner, and there were about 5 other people there - Jim Akridge, Chris, Harvey, a guy named Earl, and a really cool guy named Jon S whom I had never met before. We engaged in some great convo, and it was really cool to spend some time with everyone outside of the meeting. I got Jon's phone number and told him maybe we could get coffee sometime, as he lives over off of 7th ave and Bethany. All in all, it was a great night.

So then Saturday, I am running around doing some small errands, and John calls me again and says that he and Marie are going to that seafood place he's told me about on 19th ave, and wanted to know if I wanted to meet them there for lunch. I told them I would love to, and so we met there, and I had some AWESOME tilapia, the best I have ever had. It was great to visit with them outside of work, and they are really fun to hang out with. To top it all off, Marie even treated, which I thought was fantastic! I very rarely get treated out, or at least it seems that way. John invited me over to their place after, so I finally got to see where they live. I hung out for a few (about an hour or so) and we visited. It was really, really nice, and very relaxing. They are some good people for sure.

Then Sunday, I got a message through Facebook from an old college bud, Michael Guinto, asking if maybe I wanted to meet for coffee on Monday. Fortunately, the kids were gone all weekend - Tessi at her Mom's, and Galen at a friend's, so I was able to say "yes" without hesitating. Later that night, I decided, off the cuff, to go to a CA meeting at Crossroads East, "Diet Coke," and when I walked in, lo and behold, but who was sitting there??? Sharon! I could hardly believe it - it was hilarious. We had been talking about getting together for coffee, but hadn't made it happen yet. Well, after the meeting, we headed to Starbucks, and sat and chatted for over 2 hours. It was really great to catch up, and we both agreed that we need to get our old movie thing going again.

Monday morning, I got ready, and went to meet Mikey at AZ Mills. We had a little coffee at Starbucks, and he suggested we go get some lunch. I told him I wasn't that hungry, but that it sounded good to hang out. So he took me to this restaurant he likes called Sun Asian, and we ate lunch together. And, for the second time in the weekend, I got treated, as he paid for lunch! Then we went over to his place, and he hooked his laptop up and showed me some LINQ stuff on his laptop. It was really cool, and very informative. After that, we sat and chatted about all kinds of stuff  - depression, "What the Bleep Do We Know?", self help stuff, quantum physics - it was awesome, and we had some great convo. I told him that we need to get together again, and he agreed.

And so, it was a weekend filled with friends - many of whom I didn't even realize were such good friends, like Paul, Mikey, John... It was as if God knew I really needed to be around some good people, and he put them all right there in my life for me, just when I needed it most. And I was - I am - SOOOO grateful for it, I truly am. My typical MO would have been to just spend most of the weekend alone, trying to stay busy so I didn't feel lonely. But out of the blue, and into my heart, came all these great people to share some of my time and my life with. Wow.... it's just so cool, and so awe-inspiring. Last night, I was telling Tessi about it when we had gotten home, and she said, "well, you're really nice and they probably wanted to spend some time with you." And indeed, I have to believe she was right. I guess I just need to remember that when I start feeling down, and reach out to some of these wonderful people. Lord knows, I'm sure glad they reached out to me...

Sometimes the best thing to say...

...is absolutely nothing at all. That's what my old grand-sponsor Brian Ong said at a meeting one time, and I have never forgotten it. So many times in my life, I have fired out of my mouth whatever was in my mind, and really made a mess for myself - said things I couldn't take back that ended up costing me - relationships, jobs, advancement opportunities, ad infinitum. But yesterday, and several times actually over the last couple of years, I have actually put that into practice, and just said nothing, even though I really, REALLY wanted to say something - most often related to my job and surrounding situations. Like yesterday - I wanted to be a total smartass and say soemthing to Jennifer, like "thanks a lot for taking the time to check out my app." Man, I am SOOOO thankful I just said nothing. I mean, what an asshole I would have felt like if I had, and then somehow been able to look at what was to happen today if I hadn't - thank GOD.

Jennifer sent a couple of emails yesterday late - one saying she was sorry for not getting together with me to look at the app, and one saying that she would be around today in the morning and that, if I was around too, she would like to see it. So, she stopped over just now, I took her through the app, and she really, really liked it - said how nice it looks, and mentioned how happy she thinks Ed Oxford and Peter Fine will be. And I have to say, it felt really good to hear her say that. Like Diana said yesterday (I had an appt with her last night at 4pm), it is ego that wants to hear that stuff, and in reality, it isn't important to hear it. It's just that my ego likes external approval and recognition, so it craves shit like that, and when it doesn't get what it wants, it can throw some serious depression my way. In fact, she lent me a book on the Enneagram and getting "unstuck" and the first parts of it that I read last night were about exactly that - ego, and how it drives us, how it must be destroyed.

Now I'm not so sure about the whole "destroyed" thing. I have read in other texts that instead of trying to destroy it, we might be better off trying to make peace with it, to heal it, and to accept it. It seems that the only people who were able to rid themselves entirely of ego were enlightened masters. And one thing I know for sure right now is that I am no "enlightened master". That's not to say that I can't be someday, and not to say that I don't want to be. It's just stating the fact of what is, for right now.

So thank God, thank Brian Ong, thank Diana and thank and thank me - for keeping my trap shut, and for trodding through the depression that once again gripped me. I may not have completely escaped its ravages, and I may still have said some tough things to the kids, and wallowed in some self-pity. But the things I said to the kids weren't as bad as some of the things I've said; the self-pity was rather limited this time (didn't post a bunch stuff on Facebook); and I didn't quit my job or kill myself. In fact, I didn't do any cutting this time either - all victories for me today. And I am grateful for all of it

And that's that

I decided to put an end to the madness this last weekend. So Saturday morning, I woke up, got my gear on, grabbed Barbara's book, rode up to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf where we first met, had a nice cup of coffee, and left the book with the people behind the counter so she could pick it up at her convenience. I figured that way, I have nothing tying me to her any more, and I can just get her out of my life completely. And at this point, that is what I want - to remove any and all connections to her. As far as my movie that she had, "What the Bleep Do We Know..?" I sent an email telling her she coudl just keep it or pass it along to someone else who might enjoy it. I also mentioned in the email that I didn't want her to send me another email with some unsolicited advice, as she sent a reply to the email I sent informing her about what I did saying that I had to "examine my reaction." I told her that she needs to examine her level of pretentiousness! Ha ha!

So I think I have closed that chapter for good. Of course, I was thinking yesterday that she is probably one of those women who just loves arguing, or being challenged, and that this won't be the end for her - she just won't be able to let it go. We'll see though. I actually hope it is - I really do. As pretty as she was, as intelligent and spiritual, as good a connection as we shared, it is clear to me that either she is a very selfish, uncompassionate person, really is WAY too busy for any new friends (in which case, whats the point?), or she was being dishonest with me and really didn't want to see me. And in any of these cases, I wouldn't really want to be her friend anyway, so....

In other, more pleasant news, I met Heather Saturday night at a little coffeeshop in Glendale that I have heard mentioned before in the Program called the Coffee Cup and Spoon. They have a karaoke night on Friday and Saturday nights, and it was really fun to watch all the different people get up and "try" to sing! Lol. Some were actually pretty good. Heather got up and did "Separate Ways" by Journey and rocked it pretty good! It was fun, and I enjoyed hanging out with her.

In other news, I "flipped" my exercise bike on craigslist and went and bought a treadmill off the same. It worked out so cool - I put the bike up Saturday afternoon, got an email about it Sunday morning, had a guy and his daughter come and buy it Sunday around noon for $120, called on the treadmill while they ran to the bank to get some cash, and as soon as they left with the bike, went and picked up the treadmill for $120! It worked out so perfectly , a real God thing. I wanted to get a treadmill because I just haven't been using the bike at all, and I am really enjoying running now. Now we'll see if I use the treadmill or not! Ha ha. I think I will though.

Took the kids to see "Despicable Me" yesterday, and it was a great movie. It was also nice to spend a little family time together - it had been a while. I think I am going to make more of an effort to make sure we spend at least one day every week or 2 doing something together like that.

So all in all, it was a nice weekend. I am looking forward to a nice week, and even better - a 3 day weekend! Woo hoo!

Bored, but grateful

So today I am a bit bored. I have been working pretty hard on the Better Together app, and it has come together nicely, albeit with quite a few challenges related to the tab panel, and the associated eccentricities of dealing with postbacks when, logically speaking, all of the controls are on one "page" - in the same aspx file. But I have definitely learned a lot about JavaScript, tab panels themselves, and the use of session variables to help maintain state. Not to mention, it is looking pretty sweet too.

Today, I thought I might hear back from Barbara - half expected her to text this morning when I didn't text her - but she is a tough cookie, and I haven't heard a peep. I am actually ok with it now though, as I am taking a completely different view of the whole thing, and no longer feel that sense of "wow!" about her. And I think that is for the best anyway. What was going on there with me was in no way healthy, and I am much more stable and rational again. I admit, it is fun to be all caught up and "swept away" but those kind of feelings. But not so much when the other person isn't really as well, ya know?

In more mundane matters, I about pooped my pants yesterday when I checked my APS bill online and found that it is $330 - talk about a "holy shit! moment! My bill last month was only $155, and last year for this month, was only $190. So I called APS and told them I thought there was something wrong. The lady on the phone asked me when the last time I had the A/C serviced was, that it was probably the issue. Well, I don't know when the last time was, and I am certain they won't take any type of action on their part until I have had it serviced to make sure that isn't it. And who knows - maybe that is it. It does seem like it has been running a lot more. I scheduled someone to come out and take a look at it tomorrow, so I guess we'll find out.

Well, I am going to find some other way to deal with my boredom now. I already posted to the Numbsung too, so not quite sure what's next! Lol :)

Hard (kinda') comedown

Last night was not a good night. I actually starting feeling a little ill after writing that last entry, and when I got home, was feeling pretty down. I finally got sick of the kids rooms being so disgusting, and went in and cleaned both of them up. While at first I was able to keep my cool about it, I quickly moved to assigning some greater meaning to it - like their lack of ability to clean their rooms was a clear showing of disrespect and ingratitude - and I proceeded to go off a little bit. Tessi wasn't there, but Galen was. After which I went in my room, crawled into bed, and played some meditation stuff - "Invitation to Healing" I think.

I later got up, threw a couple loads of laundry in, and went to pick up Tess. I was none too happy when I picked her up either, and when we got home, she proceeded to clean their bathroom up, as well as the kitchen. It was a nice gesture, but lost on me, as I was pretty well in one of the most severe depressions I have experienced in the last 6 or 7 months by then. I got the clothes out of the dryers, and proceeded to put a pile of clothes on each of their bedroom floors. I decided I am not going to the trouble to fold it all nicely for them anymore when all they do is throw them on the floor. I can save myself some time, and save them the interim step.

Barb texted before she went to watch the movie and asked if she could call me after. I told her yes initially, then decided I really didn't want to talk to her. So I texted back and said I would be going to bed early and that I didn't feel well - all true. I sent her an email stating how I felt and what I was thinking, that I thought there were some pretty clear signs from the universe about all this; that I thought she was taking my inventory a little too much; that she seemed to be calling my ego out a lot while not recognizing her own; that I was looking for romance while she was looking for friends. I basically laid it all out on the table. To which she replied with something of the nature of "I didn't realize I was doing this stuff," and "this is getting exhausting," and "I just want to be a positive force in your life - I trigger something in you, and it is for you to find out why that is".

She is absolutely right, she does trigger something in me. At first, it was pure adoration and desire. Here I saw a woman - a beautiful woman with deep spiritual beliefs and a fertile mins. She also had humility and approachability. And after the exchanges we had that first night, and all of the synchronicities we (or at least I) experienced, I felt a certain sense of serendipity, like this was meant to be - like she was the one.

But as seems to be the case with all things that seem too good to be true, it wasn't what I had hoped it would be. Did I make the mistake of falling way too quickly? Yes. Did I get way too caught up in emotionalism and romantic delusion? Yes, apparently. Do I think I was wrong to do so? Perhaps. Would I have done anything differently? No, probably not. I honestly felt something I have not felt before - not since Ty and I first got together, and I don't even think that was as strong. And there seemed to be some kind of universal 'conspiracy' or imperative pushing this idea that we were perfect for each other. Again, at least I thought so. And who am I to go against the Universe?

But maybe I read way too much into it, and maybe it was just what it was : a bunch of coincidences, a strong connection, a lot of energy swirling around. And maybe that isn't as rare as I think...? Maybe I am assigning far too much "uniqueness" to this. Maybe the connection we seemed to share is something that can manifest with some other woman - maybe several different women. In the end, she may not be so special after all, and that may be a lesson for me in itself.

I'm not sure what is going to happen now. I know that I am not going to contact her again for awhile. I think the "exhausting" comment pretty well summed up her feelings, and how should would like to proceed at this time. So I am going to let go for now, and see what else the Universe has going on. I have a number of AA things I need to participate in at the SRI Roundup this weekend, being a member of 2 homegroups and all. And my college buddy John is in town from Texas, and we are trying to get the old KBJ team together for a "reunion" like we do whenever he is in town. And Sharon is divorcing Bob, and she mentioned maybe getting together for coffee tomorrow. So I won't be lonely and without things to do - that's for sure!

And that I think is the beauty of all this : yes, I was really down last night. But I have been able to bounce back very quickly, and I have a very busy, happy and full life to embrace no matter what happens on the "dating" front. My life is balanced today, and while it would be nice to find a sweetheart to share some romance with, I am ok with being patient and waiting for the right one. I am not alone, nor am I lonely. My life is full, and for that, I am very, very grateful to God, the Universe, and all that is :)

Look out for that bus! and other observations

Yep - look out for that bus indeed. I was officially thrown under it this week by Traci, right in front of Al, as she tried to blame me for "changing" an AD group in the middle of the project, causing the permissions not to work. Funny thing though - I had a printed copy of an email, that she was copied on, verifying the change as requested by the CUSTOMER. So yeah, her little attempt to run over me didn't work out too well. And when she tried to press me for why I had changed it in front of Al, he basically said 'let's just forget about that and focus on the solution' or something to that effect. It was really cool to see him be in my corner, and basically shut her down. She has been so devious during this entire project, and especially so as it has rolled into production. She basically messed up big time and dropped the ball on a major user requirement and was trying to blame me. But she didn't know that I failed recess, cuz I don't play!!! Ha ha!

In other news, I didn't hear back from Marj until this morning (she sent an email at about 1am this morning) and she said that her son has a bday party for his son so she isn't sure about doing dinner this weekend. She mentioned that she probably could Monday night but that she wouldn't be able to stay out too late. I have been trying to keep in mind my unrealistic communication expectations, but I can't help feeling she is being a little hesitant and backstepping a bit. So I sent her an email this morning basically saying that I am attracted to her, but if she doesn't feel the same about me, it's ok, and I would rather just know now. I don't want another Wendy situation where we are just 'hanging out' when she isn't even attracted to me. I am looking for a romantic partner - not another activity buddy. She hasn't replied yet, and probably won't til late tonight or tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow - I am finally going to meet the redhead I have been communicating with - Patricia - at Jamba Juice at 2 tomorrow. Her picture on POF induced quite a "recation" in me, and if she looks anything like she does in the picture, chances are I will be attracted to her. She seems sweet in her emails, reminds me a bit of Michelle. So I guess we'll see what happens. I like Marj, and she seemed to have some availablity for a relationship when we met. But now that she seems to be backpedalling, I'm ot so sure. I am basically just taking this all with an open mind, a positive "have fun" attitude, and playing the numbers game like Diana has suggested all this time. It has become apparent to me that I don't need to look at each and every meeting as "my only chance" - that many more will present themselves, and I can take my time and enjoy the process of meeting different people. Yeah - I can do that today. I really can! Yippeee!

I am speaking tonight at my new Monday night homegroup at 6pm and that should be cool. I haven't spoken at a meeting in a very long time. I am a little concerned, as it is an AA meeting, and a lot of my experience deals with drugs. But I have noticed at this group that they are much more open to that side of things, and don't seem to have an issue with people sharing about that. At least not like at my Friday night meeting, which is fantastic by the way, and at which NO ONE can share about anything but alcohol - it is expressly forbidden. Right after speaking, I will try to catch what I can of my Friday night homegroup meeting, and then the regular meeting. It will be an AA night fo-shizzle! And I can't think of a better way to spend a Friday night. Well, maybe I can think of ONE way!! Ha ha ha! Grateful to be happy, healthy and sober today... that's me : )

Love it when that happens!

So I was just going through some of my old emails to/from Tina in my gmail, kind of reminiscing a bit (and to be totally honest, seeing if I still had any naughty pics - I took some nice ones, and she had such great hooters! LOL!). Turns out the only emails I saved are all post-breakup - oh well. Anyway, while I am reading about her marrying Andrew, being pregnant, etc, I start feeling a little lonely, thinking about how I got some messages from some ladies on POF and sent them replies, and still haven't gotten anything back. The seemingly typical MO for this online dating thing... and at that moment, BING, I see a new email pop into my inbox, a notification that I have a message from someone from POF - yaaayyyy!

Well, not really - turns out it's from this lady who said she was ready to meetup, so I proposed we meet tomorrow. The message was her saying that she made plans for tomorrow before reading my message. Yyyyyeaaahhhhh... why am I not even surprised??? It seems like pulling teeth sometimes to get this seemingly simple stuff to workout. Oh well. I have been doing a good job of just letting this stuff slide, and I need to keep that up. I know enough about the whole online dating thing to know this is just how it is, and that it is in no way a personal reflection on me. How could it be? These people don't even know me! Lol.

I guess I just get tired of meeting people with whom there seems to be no chemistry. Of course, I am sure they feel the same way. Then, when there does seem to be some, like with Wendy (kinda') and Michelle (definitely) there is something else that goes awry. I am sitting here thinking, was it this much of a numbers game before there was online dating? It seems to me like it wasn't. But then again, the dynamics were entirely different, at least with people like me who aren't by nature big risk takers, and wouldn't ask just anyone out.

Back in 'the day', the women I would ask out were typically women that I had gotten to know over a period of time, so it was pretty obvious if there was any kind of connection already. And there was always the, "hey - see if you can find out if she likes me or not, but don't let her know I want to know, ok?" ploy that worked so well! Ha ha! It meant that there weren't a lot of the kind of meetings that happen now, where you are basically meeting someone for the very first time, knowing that the reason you are meeting is to maybe find a match, someone to date. So yeah, that makes a lot of sense that it would be very different now - much more of a numbers game.

But, what I need to remember is that, even though I get sick of that game sometimes, I need to be grateful too. Because at this point, I am not meeting a lot of women anywhere else in my life - not at meetings, not at work, not at bowling, not anywhere. So if it wasn't for the online thing, it would be much harder for me to meet any women. I need to remember that when I start getting frustrated - that it's a good thing - it really is.

Well, that's all I have to say about that. It's Friday before a 3 day weekend, and we get to leave early today - yippeeeeee!!!

Not a match - the story continues

After pressing Wendy a little bit for information about what she actually thought about me, and realizing that she probably wasn't attracted to me at all, I decided to just let her know that I didn't think we were a match, tell her "thank you for the time", and move on. And you know what? I think I am starting to get the hang of this "dating" thing and am finally comfortable with the process that Diana described : going on at least 500 dates before getting truly frustrated about not finding someone; realizing that it's a numbers game; not taking it personally when things don't work out; not getting dscouraged and dropping out after 3 or 4 unsuccesful dates. I am starting to settle into this new mindframe.

I have not removed my profile, gotten cynical, or given up yet. I am hanging in there and just taking it easy. I am open and available, but not deperate. I still try to send out a few messages a week on POF. Even though it seems I have already messaged all the women I find intriguing, I manage to find a couple of new ones to contact. And even though I check and see that they have viewed me, but not responded, I don't let it get me down - I just keep on keepin' on. And I am TOTALLY amazed when I think back to a year or 2 ago, and just how frustrated and depressed I would get after only a few unsuccesful dates or contacts. Wow... healing is possible. Re-learning how to act and be really is possible. Wow.

I love it too. I am actually feeling a sense of 'normalcy' about the whole dating/being single thing - something I used to think might never happen. I am just so grateful that I am here now, and pray that I can stay. I think as long as I continue participating in my sobriety, continue my twice a day meditation schedule, continue working out and eating healthy, continue seeing Diana once a month - I think I can maintain what I have gained, and grow and heal even more.

So even if I am single for the next 10 years, I can be so happily, and enjoy my life to its fullest. I can love myself even more, andd enjoy the time with my friends, family and co-workers even more. I can grow even more spiritually, and more fully develop my conscious contact with my Higher Power - the Universe and all that is. I can fully accept and believe that just because I am single does not mean I am alone. I am never alone - never. What a gift it is to know - even better to FEEL - that today... :)