Feeling better, thank goodness

I have started getting back to feeling good over the last few days, and after almost 2 weeks of depression, I am very grateful. I got a much needed break from both kids this weekend, as Galen stayed over at Alex's and Tessi over at Gen's. I really needed it, and I made good use of it too. Saturday, I went to my first ACoA meeting, and it was very, very good. I am definitely going to start attending regularly. It almost reminded me of some of the better Knights retreats I went on, where people got real honest and expressed a lot of emotion, a lot of hurt and pain. I could TOTALLY relate to what people shared too, and that was nice. So I will definitely go back again this Satruday.

Then, Sunday night, Todd treated me out to the Jack Johnson concert. I am not a big fan, as his music all sounds too similar for my taste, but it was a very good show, and I always have a good time with Todd. He had told me there would be a lot of good looking single women there, but in fact, it was mostly couples. Not hard to imagine why - seems like his music would be good to listen to with "your sweetie". But no matter - it was a good show, and I especially enjoyed one of the openers, G-Love, and really liked it when he brought G-Love out and they did a few numbers together. That was pretty rockin'.

Yesterday, I took the day off on PTO, and Tessi wasn't feeling well, so she stayed home (probably overtired from staying at Gen's, but whatever). In any case, I was trying to take a nap on the couch around 11:30am when she came out and said "Dad, I found a bedbug on my bed." So I went in and checked, and sure enough - she too had bedbugs. There was a little on crawling on her pillow, and when I lifted up her boxsprings, we saw at least 3 or 4 other ones. I really can't afford to buy another new bed -  not to  mention that bed is only like 3 or 4 years old - so we went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought some bedbug-proof encasements for both the mattress and boxspring - $160 worth, which I really couldn't afford either, but it's cheaper than a whole new bed - and did the whole drill with her room : packed everything up and went to the laundromat to wash and dry on high and cleaned up and vaccumed the hell out of her room. We also bought some spray stuff to put on the baseboards and the bottom of the boxspring before we encased it. Hopefully that will at least keep them off her when she is sleeping. Oh yeah - we also did my "redneck bug tape trap" to her frame legs too to hopefully keep them from crawling up onto it.

This whole bedbug thing is a bit nerve wracking, but I am trying to keep it in perspective and not get too freaked out about it. I know I sure was at first, and Tess was pretty freaked out about it yesterday. She had a bit of a hard time relaxing and getting to sleep last night, and I can't blame her really. She noticed that the encasement on the boxsprings was touching the floor, so we pulled up all the slack and tucked it under the mattress. She was also the one who asked f we could do the tape job to hers. I feel bad for her, because I know how it feels - the total heebie jeebies. I joined an online forum called bedbugger.com, and some people have literally been driven to the point of madness or contemplating suicide from these things. I guess if it was some other kind of bug, it wouldn't be so bad. But just knowing that they live to sneak onto you and suck your blood while you are sleeping - I guess it's just to creepy and disturbing; not like a little beetle, or even a roach that is just crawling on you; but something that actually FEEDS on you. Yuck!

Other than the bedbug issue, things are going much better. Galen and I have actually been getting along pretty well, and I have quit bugging and nagging him about school. I have implemented some of the rule/reward systems that Diana and I talked about, and they seem to be working well. I am still a little down about the dating situation, but have been staying in contact with friends and even got a really nice card from Ty. So I am grateful. Grateful to alive, greatful to have some sense of peace back in my head, grateful to have a good job, grateful to be getting along with Galen, grateful for a daughter who behaves as well as she does, grateful for friends, grateful for the Program, grateful to the Universe and grateful to be sober. I need always remember that - to be grateful for everything, as I for one know just how fragile it all is, and just how easily it can be taken for granted or forgotten. Let me not forget...

A better weekend

This weekend marked the first time in quite awhile that Galen, Tessi and I have spent more than just a few minutes together on a Saturday or Sunday, and it was really nice. We all went to PV mall Saturday morning to get Galen something he wanted at Hot Topic - these 'arm warmer' type things. I have decided to stop concerning myself so much with the black nail polish and such and to focus just on his behavior and school performance. While we were there, I also got Tessi a nice little silver ring like she had been wanting - as a sort of reward for getting straight A's. So they both got a bit of a treat, and it was good to spend some time enjoying each other's company. Later that afternoon, I tool Tess over to her mom's to stay the night.

The rest of the weekend was pretty relaxing. Galen actually stayed home all weekend, which was a bit of a shocker, and actually kinda' nice. I went to bowling Saturday night and had one of those nights where I can couldn't throw the ball the same way twice. Good thing is, I still had a blast! Lol.We watched a monster movie Saturday night that I had rented. Sunday, I did a MAJOR floor cleaning in the living room, kitchen and dining room - basically all the marble tile. It looks, smells and feels SO much better now. Then I watched the Cards try to lose to Oakland unsuccessfully - they actually won somehow (more like Oakland lost it, as their kicker missed a 33 year chip shot with 2 seconds left).

All in all, it was a good weekend. I guess there is one little thing I left out, but I am not going to make too much of it. Saturday, after going to PV mall, we headed home so Galen could collect a bunch of his PS2 games that he wanted to trade in to get a new one - Prince of Persia. While we were at GameStop, a lady (Jennifer) who has a daughter (Madison) that went to Madison Christian when Tessi was there came in, and we struck up a conversation. I have always thought she was pretty and always wanted to talk to her. But I thought she was married or had  boyfriend, so I never pursued it. Saturday, I worked up enough courage to ask about that stuff a little bit. And when I found out she wasn't married and didn't have a boyfriend, I asked her if she would like to get coffee or something sometime. She said yes, and we exchanged numbers. I actually contacted her to ask about Sunday morning, but she wasn't able to make it. We are supposedly going to try again for this weekend.

There is a part of me that started to get excited, as she did seem to light up a bit (even Tessi thought so) when I asked her about getting coffee. But I have learned in my recent experiences to never assign too much meaning to anything and to never expect anything; just take it as it comes, and if it doesn't come at all, so be it - don't get all upset, just accept it and roll on. And right now, that is exactly what I am doing. I was thinking about texting her yesterday to say "hope you're having a good day," and then I decided not to. I am just not going to go after like I have before. Because, to be honest, at some level, I just don't care about that whole thing anymore - not like I used to. I would be lying to say that I don't care at all, because I do. And if I had a choice, sure, I would have a girlfriend. But I feel that I have given it the old "Harvard try" - I've given it all I had, and came out with nada. So I am ok with just not giving it much of anything for ahwile.

I am trying to focus more on friends, my kids, and the Program. I am answering the phone now - every time a friend calls. No matter if it's Todd, Luke, whoever - I answer. And I am doing a better job reaching out and staying in touch with friends like Heather, Sharon and Ty. It is these relationships that I am focusing on now - ones that will still be here 1, 2, 5 years from now. And as far as all the things I miss - the sex, the sex, and of course, the SEX! LOL! well, I will survive. And someday, I am confident that I will have sex with someone, and something other than my hand again. Even if I have to end up going to Nevada and "buying" some love one day, I will have sex again. But I am not going to go relationship hunting with that as the primary objective - not again. And so, I am focusing on friends. And today, that's ok - it really is : )