Blah blah blah

I am sitting here feeling kind of blah. Not really feeling down or anything - just kind of blah. I was thinking that it would be cool to start up some kind of pen pal relationship with someone, but electronically. Looking back at the relationships I have had recently, I realize that is the one thing I really miss (other than the sex - at least in Tina's case anyway) : the correspondence. I really like corresponding with someone, emailing, texting... it's fun. Even moreso than talking on the phone I think.

I was actually checking Google to see what came up under "pen pals," and it appeared that there were a few sites that offer some type of pen pal connections. Most of them however seem to be targeted towards singles stuff, dating and so on. Admittedly, it would probably be more fun to engage in a correspondence with someone with whom there could be a little flirting and such. But that wouldn't necessarily have to be the case. Or maybe it would. Hell, I don't know. I am probably just as well off to keep posting here to my journal and 'talking to myself' as it were.

I was thinking today about whether or not I am going to go to Jamie's Halloween party this year, and I am kinda' thinking I won't. In fact, I really don't want to do any of the holidays this year - not without a partner, AGAIN. It gets old being "the single guy" at all these gatherings. I am hoping the kids can go to their mom's for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I can gracefully bow out of all the "celebrations." I will do what I have to to make sure the kids (or at least Tessi anyway) have a nice holiday. I just don't want to have hang out and pretend to be all happy and stuff, especially now that even Mikey is engaged. That basically leaves me and Dan as the ONLY single guys there. And at least Teri is his sister, Kristina and Mikey are his niece and nephew - it's his real family. Now that mom and I aren't even talking, I feel more like a "hanger on" than ever.

I have accepted the fact that I am single, and that there is really little I can, or want to do to change that at this time. But I don't think that means I have to keep putting myself into situations that are not comfortable for me, being single as I am. And the holidays, they are tough for me the way it is. It just makes it that much more uncomfortable being around a bunch of people who are married, thinking that my being single marks me as "the broken one" or something; or sitting there with envy because I don't have a special person. Yeah, I just don't want to be in that position this year.

I was thinking about sending Kristina an email about this today and telling her that I don't want to go this year, but I think I will wait and talk to Diana and maybe even Richard first before I do that. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't want to be entirely selfish this year. I just want to minimize the emotional pain as much as possible and try to include some activities that actually complement my being single - like maybe going to the alcothon, or some other related activities. I want to be around other single people like myself - I don't want to be around all the 'happily married', or even unhappily married people this year. It's one thing to accept my singleness, but it's another entirely to knowingly put myself in situations where that acceptance is going to tried to the limit.

Look out for that bus! and other observations

Yep - look out for that bus indeed. I was officially thrown under it this week by Traci, right in front of Al, as she tried to blame me for "changing" an AD group in the middle of the project, causing the permissions not to work. Funny thing though - I had a printed copy of an email, that she was copied on, verifying the change as requested by the CUSTOMER. So yeah, her little attempt to run over me didn't work out too well. And when she tried to press me for why I had changed it in front of Al, he basically said 'let's just forget about that and focus on the solution' or something to that effect. It was really cool to see him be in my corner, and basically shut her down. She has been so devious during this entire project, and especially so as it has rolled into production. She basically messed up big time and dropped the ball on a major user requirement and was trying to blame me. But she didn't know that I failed recess, cuz I don't play!!! Ha ha!

In other news, I didn't hear back from Marj until this morning (she sent an email at about 1am this morning) and she said that her son has a bday party for his son so she isn't sure about doing dinner this weekend. She mentioned that she probably could Monday night but that she wouldn't be able to stay out too late. I have been trying to keep in mind my unrealistic communication expectations, but I can't help feeling she is being a little hesitant and backstepping a bit. So I sent her an email this morning basically saying that I am attracted to her, but if she doesn't feel the same about me, it's ok, and I would rather just know now. I don't want another Wendy situation where we are just 'hanging out' when she isn't even attracted to me. I am looking for a romantic partner - not another activity buddy. She hasn't replied yet, and probably won't til late tonight or tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow - I am finally going to meet the redhead I have been communicating with - Patricia - at Jamba Juice at 2 tomorrow. Her picture on POF induced quite a "recation" in me, and if she looks anything like she does in the picture, chances are I will be attracted to her. She seems sweet in her emails, reminds me a bit of Michelle. So I guess we'll see what happens. I like Marj, and she seemed to have some availablity for a relationship when we met. But now that she seems to be backpedalling, I'm ot so sure. I am basically just taking this all with an open mind, a positive "have fun" attitude, and playing the numbers game like Diana has suggested all this time. It has become apparent to me that I don't need to look at each and every meeting as "my only chance" - that many more will present themselves, and I can take my time and enjoy the process of meeting different people. Yeah - I can do that today. I really can! Yippeee!

I am speaking tonight at my new Monday night homegroup at 6pm and that should be cool. I haven't spoken at a meeting in a very long time. I am a little concerned, as it is an AA meeting, and a lot of my experience deals with drugs. But I have noticed at this group that they are much more open to that side of things, and don't seem to have an issue with people sharing about that. At least not like at my Friday night meeting, which is fantastic by the way, and at which NO ONE can share about anything but alcohol - it is expressly forbidden. Right after speaking, I will try to catch what I can of my Friday night homegroup meeting, and then the regular meeting. It will be an AA night fo-shizzle! And I can't think of a better way to spend a Friday night. Well, maybe I can think of ONE way!! Ha ha ha! Grateful to be happy, healthy and sober today... that's me : )