Opening up the vault

I have decided to make this blog open to anyone who wants to read it. Until now, it has been like my private diary, accessible only to me. And chances are that opening this up isn't really going to make any difference - I don't actually expect that anyone other than me is going to read this.

I guess opening it up is more of a symbolic gesture than anything. It is my way of saying to the world, "if anyone out there feels, or has felt this way, no need to be ashamed or feel alone - I've felt it too." It always amazes me to go back and read posts like my last one with just how negative and dark they are, especially after coming out of the depression and feeling "normal" again. But while the strong feelings of hopelessness and negativity do fade, and I am once again able to enjoy life, I always maintain that state of readiness for this class to be over - for the bell to ring and for all of us to start running for the exits, laughing and cheering knowing that our recess awaits us.

So yeah, if you have landed here and are reading this, special you are! Whether that special-ness is a blessing or a curse is for you to decide. But I can guarantee that you are in very exclusive company, with a glimpse into the mind of someone who in one moment is loving, joyful, humorous and hopeful, then on a bad day (which fortunately don't come very often), is angry, depressed, hopeless, sad, lost and suicidal. How a person can be both of these things, in equal intensity at different times is a mystery to me. But I know I'm not the only one, and in a selfish way, that is comforting to me. Perhaps you have felt that way too, and you can get some comfort from this. If so, I am grateful. If not, you should be.

A definite case of the Mondays

I guess I probably ought to start by noting the fact that I was offered the position at Black, Gould and Assoc and accepted it happily. My las day at Banner is March 16th, and I start there on March 21st. I am really looking forward to the new opportunity. I get to dress casual - and not business casual, but casual casual - jeans, polos (maybe even t-shirts) and tennies. Very cool! I used to think I really liked dressing business casual. And as far as the ego stuff goes, that's probably true - I think I look sharp. But as far as the laundry part of it goes, and the having to coordinate pants/shirts/shoes/socks, I am looking forward to the fact that anything matches blue jeans! So yeah, I am happy and grateful to have landed that job.

In other news, I am bumming a bit about my bike, as I am not able to ride it currently. I was attempting to take the right side exhaust off to put on a highway peg cruising mount I bought from Chad from vn750 forum, and when I attempted to remove the second cap nut, it snapped off, leaving the rusted stud poking out of the exhaust mount. I have been saoking it for the last 3 days with PB Blaster on the advice on some guys in the forum, hoping I can coax it out with some Vice Grips, then simply put a new one in (which I ordered this morning). If that doesn't work, I will either have to attempt to drill and retap the hole myself or replace the entire manifold. Any way it goes, it's probably going to be at least a week before I'm on it again. No fun :( And to think I was simply trying to add a nice add-on. Oh well.

I am actually kinda' bumming a bit today. I had a really nice weekend with Debbie (Tessi and I went out and spent the night with her and Emilee Saturday night) and up until about 9pm last night, I was in a great mood. But then I called Debbie, and I guess the best way to put it is that we had a very stilted conversation in which she got really defensive about her parenting skills and seemed to be extremely tired. It seemed to me almost like she was mad at me or something, and it was pretty damn confusing after such a nice weekend. She mentioned that Emilee wasn't feeling well and that Kyrsten had come home and gotten sick, so her ex took Kyrsten back with him. I asked her, out of mere curiosity, why the ex had taken Kyrsten, why she didn't just stay, and Debbie got very upset and defensive. I think something may have gone down between her and Fred (her ex) that left her feeling insecure about her parenting or otherwise defensive.

In any case, I told her she sounded really tired, and that we could just talk tomorrow. Before I went to bed, I sent her an email (rather cold one) stating that I didn't understand what happened, and that I was really confused. I then meditated for awhile and managed to drift off to sleep. About 11:30pm, the phone rang, and it was Debbie. She asked me if we were ok - mentioned that the email was very cold, didn't have any "I love yous" or anything and that she was concerned. I was half-asleep, but tried to explain my point. She ended up saying that she could have been defensive and apologized for it. I told her I was more confused than anything and apologized for being as cold as I was. We ended up saying "I love yous" and the normal good night stuff.

Today, I am feeling pretty bummed out. It is starting to seem like every time we have a really awesome time, it is always followed by some unexplainable emotional upset. It is rather like being on an emotional yo-yo, and every time I think the up/down cycle is starting to wane, something like this happens, and I feel like I am right back in that horrible swing, back and forth, from joy to sadness, from security to confusion. We have talked about it a number of times, and I do think it is getting better. I am just wondering if it is something I will always have to deal with in being with Debbie. I love her, and she is by far the best woman I have ever dated. I have every intention of staying with her. But if this is a pattern that continues, I am going to need to find a way to detach myself emotionally from it, or at least process it differently, so I can avoid withdrawing (like I am today) or even worse, lashing out emotionally.

Fortunately, as has so often been the case, I have an appointment with Diana at a time when it is truly needed - this Wednesday. I now have something to talk about with her, as I am really having a hard time with this. The happiness of being with Debbie is as great as I have ever experienced. But this sadness and confusion that comes in situations like this, it is starting to bring me back to that place of depression where I feel hopeless and unhappy - like nothing I do is going to change this. And I don't want to keep swinging from one to the other. I would actually rather just be unhappy all the time than to swing from such extreme happiness back down into unhappiness. Not a ride I enjoy taking.

So I guess we'll see what happens. I have to admit that during my meditation last night, I tried to focus on the impermanence of things in this world and to get in touch with my innermost self, that self which exists beyond this physical body and is part of the greater Source of Life from which we all get out consciousness. It was rather liberating too, and had a very calming effect. In the end, I know that all of my concerns, worries, troubles and tribulations are just drops in the universla bucket and merely experiences that I am having on my way to enlightenment, none intrinsically more important than the other, but all leading me to my ultimate truth.  Today, I will take refuge in the Dhamma in the truest sense of the word. And for that awareness, I am eternally grateful.

One step closer to the dream...

Debbie and I met for breakfast Sunday morning at The Good Egg off Dobson and the 60. I had been obsessing a bit before then about asking her about her marriages and what brought them to ends. Basically, the way I saw it was that any man in his right mind would be a complete idiot or insane to divorce this woman, and I just had to know if that had ever been the case. Turns out that, in a bit of a confirmation of my suspicions, it was she who asked for both divorces - the first one stemming from her ex not trusting her while he was out of country (in the military) and deciding to up and head to Japan without really asking what she thought; she said that in regards to the second one, he was a little less that completely honest with her - she caught him in conflicting stories - and that was pretty much a dealbreaker for her. I must say, I was somewhat relieved to find all that out.

Of course, with her having divulged her past, I opened up about what really caused the end of my marriage and the substance abuse problems that I had. I was a little scared at first, as she got a bit of a shocked look on her face, and for a moment I thought, "uh-oh - that was it - it's all over". But, that was not the case. She said she understood; that it wasn't an issue given the fact that I had been sober for some time; and that she actually appreciated the fact that I was so honest. I was SOOOO relieved, because I was really hoping that I would get a chance to go deeper with her.

So we decided after we were done eating (and grabbing some Starbucks) that we would go to an antique shop she wanted to hit. She drove there and I rode along with her. When we got there, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was almost exactly like the Brass Armadillo - an indoor antique mall! So we wandered through the shop, looking at all the various treasures, talking about how some of the things reminded us of our childhoods, talking about our views on spirituality, laughing and joking about some of the various stuff, just enjoying each other's company. Before I knew it, it was 1:30pm! We had met just after 9 at the restaurant, which meant that we had been together for over 4 hours. Again, I just could not believe how quickly time flies with this woman. Wonderful indeed.

On the way back to her car, I had decided that I was going to go in for the kiss when we said goodbye. I wasn't 100% sure that she would be ok with it, but I wanted - I had - to try. So when we got back, we stood outside chatting for a few, and then we hugged. As I pulled back from the hug, I was pleasantly surprised to see her "in position" for the kiss, so I went for it. It started out as a very mild, lips only variety, but she was definitely into it as much as I was, and we ended up kissing quite a bit actually. I really like the way she touched my cheek and the back of my neck - that was so awesome. And I took her cheek in my hand, and her skin was as soft as silk - I mean, it was unbelievably soft... felt so good.  (oh yeah - and that thing about not getting wood? Yeah, that doesn't apply any more, cuz I have MAJOR wood right now just thinking about her! Lol)

Since then, we have been emailing/texting/talking on the phone, and getting closer and closer. I am amazed to think that this woman is really in my life, that I am really dating her, that we really kissed. She is just so freakin' beautiful. And not only is it real, but she tells me the same thing - that she is so grateful to have met me, and that 'she wonders what she did good in her life to deserve me' - can you/I/anyone believe that?!?! I know I am tripping out on it, and in a very good/dreamlike way. I honestly believe, to the very core of my being, that I am going to end up making the first proposal I have ever made in my life to this very woman (when Sam and I got married, it was more like a 'may as well' thing - definitely no romantic proposal involved). In fact, I have already been going through the dialog in my mind. Getting ahead of myself? Probably. Granted I have not met her kids or anything yet. But hey - I think now, that this is happening, I may as well dream big, because it is fairly obvious now -dreams do come true!

Wow, talk about trippin'... I am seriously blown away, and extremely grateful. If I am dreaming, I pray to never awake. And if I am dead, well then I hope I make a great zombie, cuz I'm not coming back willfully! Lol

Don't email me - I won't email you

I have noticed lately that it seems with all the women I email regularly, or have in the past - e.g. Heather, Joanie, Barbara, Tina - really only email in response to something I write; they rarely ever send/sent an email just for the purpose of saying "hi" or to ask me what's up with me or tell me what's going on with them. The one person I can honestly say this does not apply to is Ty. She has always (or almost always) been good about either emailing me out of nowhere, or at least replying promptly. That is something else I have issues with too - emailing someone, and not getting a response for what seems like days. Of course, because of my unrealistic expectations, it only seems like days, and in reality is probably only hours.

I have had a bit of an 'awakening' today though - a moment of clarity, if you will : if I simply don't send people emails, either in my personal life or here at work (as there are people here too who take issue with the fact that I 'expect' prompt responses! Lol), then I don't have to be concerned with their response, because there can be none. If I do get an email from one of them, it is unsolicited, and can be viewed as a bit of a surprise, like "oh wow! How nice of (insert name here) to send me an email!""

Now for this to work of course, I have to NOT email any of those people. And for me, because I enjoy communicating, and on a more selfish level probably, want to get a response. it is hard for me not to email. Because with most of those women, if I don't/didn't send one of them something, it could be a very long time (for me), before I heard from them - if ever at all. And therein lies my challenge : to be ok with not getting any emails from any women - be they friends, potential dating partners, or even pen pals. As I said before, I am not including Ty in all this, as we seem to have some total connection, understanding and completely similar ideas about what communication between friends "should" look like.

It's funny - I was thinking last night how much I miss texting in a flirting way with someone too. I guess that is another aspect of this too. It's nice to have someone to flirt with. I think that is one of the things I miss the most about having an intimate partner - the flirting, sexting, and so on. Oh well. I should probably just let that whole thought process go for now.

It doesn't do any good to dwell on it really, because I am not doing anything to actually find someone, and I have no plans on doing so anytime soon. I have actually popped into PlentyOfFish and a few other sites lately, and after about 20 seconds, I think "bleh", and navigate away. I am still burnt out on the whole process. And it seems that when I look at the pics, I just see all the same women - similar wants, similar stories, similar descriptions, etc... To which, I say "blah blah blahhh....."

I think the key is to just not go from where I am now "down the rabbit hole" (as Diana says! Ha ha) that leads to the whole spiral of negative self talk and hopelessness that I always seem to find myself engaging in after a time. But this time, I am hoping to avoid that pitfall, and remain in the state of acceptance I am in at this very moment : grateful to be alive and sober; aware of the many benefits of being single; and taking comfort in the fact that just because I am single now doesn't mean I will always be. It is what it is for now - nothing more, nothing less. And things are good now. They really are. I just need to remember and hold on to that : )

What a difference a weekend can make

So it's not news to know that I was feeling pretty depressed for most of last week. I had my appt with Diana Thursday and felt better after. Friday was a short day at work, and a day that saw Jennifer come over to my desk, look over the Better Together app, and tell me it looked very nice. All that was very good, and served to really start pulling me out of my depression. Little did I know that the events of the weekend would continue that trend, and in ways I could not have imagined.

It started off with getting a text Friday evening from Paul Fischer inviting me to dinner before the meeting with him and some other guys. I accepted, and was very flattered and grateful to have been invited, as Paul has a lot of sobriety, and I always like what he shares. I like what he's got. Not long after accepting that invite, I got a call from John Ybarra from work. He told me that he and his wife Marie were going to go to Spinato's over by where I live, and they were wondering if I would like to join them. I told him I would love to, but that I had already accepted a dinner invite from another friend. I mentioned that if they went out again sometime though, to let me know, and I would love to join them.

So I met Paul for dinner, and there were about 5 other people there - Jim Akridge, Chris, Harvey, a guy named Earl, and a really cool guy named Jon S whom I had never met before. We engaged in some great convo, and it was really cool to spend some time with everyone outside of the meeting. I got Jon's phone number and told him maybe we could get coffee sometime, as he lives over off of 7th ave and Bethany. All in all, it was a great night.

So then Saturday, I am running around doing some small errands, and John calls me again and says that he and Marie are going to that seafood place he's told me about on 19th ave, and wanted to know if I wanted to meet them there for lunch. I told them I would love to, and so we met there, and I had some AWESOME tilapia, the best I have ever had. It was great to visit with them outside of work, and they are really fun to hang out with. To top it all off, Marie even treated, which I thought was fantastic! I very rarely get treated out, or at least it seems that way. John invited me over to their place after, so I finally got to see where they live. I hung out for a few (about an hour or so) and we visited. It was really, really nice, and very relaxing. They are some good people for sure.

Then Sunday, I got a message through Facebook from an old college bud, Michael Guinto, asking if maybe I wanted to meet for coffee on Monday. Fortunately, the kids were gone all weekend - Tessi at her Mom's, and Galen at a friend's, so I was able to say "yes" without hesitating. Later that night, I decided, off the cuff, to go to a CA meeting at Crossroads East, "Diet Coke," and when I walked in, lo and behold, but who was sitting there??? Sharon! I could hardly believe it - it was hilarious. We had been talking about getting together for coffee, but hadn't made it happen yet. Well, after the meeting, we headed to Starbucks, and sat and chatted for over 2 hours. It was really great to catch up, and we both agreed that we need to get our old movie thing going again.

Monday morning, I got ready, and went to meet Mikey at AZ Mills. We had a little coffee at Starbucks, and he suggested we go get some lunch. I told him I wasn't that hungry, but that it sounded good to hang out. So he took me to this restaurant he likes called Sun Asian, and we ate lunch together. And, for the second time in the weekend, I got treated, as he paid for lunch! Then we went over to his place, and he hooked his laptop up and showed me some LINQ stuff on his laptop. It was really cool, and very informative. After that, we sat and chatted about all kinds of stuff  - depression, "What the Bleep Do We Know?", self help stuff, quantum physics - it was awesome, and we had some great convo. I told him that we need to get together again, and he agreed.

And so, it was a weekend filled with friends - many of whom I didn't even realize were such good friends, like Paul, Mikey, John... It was as if God knew I really needed to be around some good people, and he put them all right there in my life for me, just when I needed it most. And I was - I am - SOOOO grateful for it, I truly am. My typical MO would have been to just spend most of the weekend alone, trying to stay busy so I didn't feel lonely. But out of the blue, and into my heart, came all these great people to share some of my time and my life with. Wow.... it's just so cool, and so awe-inspiring. Last night, I was telling Tessi about it when we had gotten home, and she said, "well, you're really nice and they probably wanted to spend some time with you." And indeed, I have to believe she was right. I guess I just need to remember that when I start feeling down, and reach out to some of these wonderful people. Lord knows, I'm sure glad they reached out to me...

The persistence of disappointment

Yesterday, after about 6 months this round, I killed my POF profile. That little cancel situation with DeAnna was just enough to send me over the top - or straight to the bottom, depending on how you look at it. I think I did much better this go round, as I stuck it out longer, and actually met up with and corresponded with a lot more women. But, as it goes, I am once again burnt out on putting myself out there, and ready to just crawl back into the "Kevin" cocoon, where it is warm and safe again.

And that is what I am trying to avoid this time - the depression and sense of disappointment that seem to come from each round of 'looking.' To make it worse, I usually end up thinking about my brother his beautiful wife, Mikey and his new fiance', Jamie and Dawn, Mac and Paula - everyone AND someone else. I start thinking I am like one of the last people I know who is single, and like maybe there is something wrong with me. That then degenerates into "I'm not handsome enough," "I'm not tall enough," "I'm not rich enough," "I'm not talented enough" - I'm just not enough.

I am really trying to avoid going down into that rabbit hole of self deprectation though. It is a well-known behavior now, and knowing that, I am going to make an even more concerted effort to stave off those negative thoughts. I am picking up "The Four Agreements" tonight after work, and I am going to start reading that. I am supposed to meet with Richard (my sponsor) tomorrow night after the meeting and hope to talk about some different stuff related to relationships. I am going to make more time for friends, like Heather and Sharon and plan stuff with them so I don't feel so "lonely". I am going to continue working out and meditating regularly and taking care of myself so I have that to feel good about. I will not go quietly into that bitter morass of self-pity and disappointment - no I will not!

So last night, I went into bed early, around 9am to get some good meditation in. As I was laying there, about 5 minutes in, my cell phone rang. I picked it up, and was shocked to see that it was Barbara who was calling. I had sent her a very brief text message earlier in the night that said simply "Thought I'd say 'Hi'. Ok. Bye :)" and hadn't heard anything back, which was adding a little to the sense of disappointment I was experiencing. (oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that I was feeling pretty bummed last night). I answered, and we talked for about 20-30 minutes. It was a nice conversation, and I was actually really happy she called - it sparked the flame of hope that was starting to dwindle in my overly-sensitive heart. Of course, I didn't assign any romatic meaning to it, I was just glad she called at all, as I was thinking it was pretty cold and inconsiderate to just ignore me altogether.

I am in a better mood today, and I am going to move forward as I said above. It's funny - I am sitting here at work listening to Cold Play, and the line that was just sung was "Life is for living I know, I just don't wanna' live it alone.' Ironic, as I am sitting here trying to convince myself that I am fine and dandy without a partner! Lol. I was thinking last night that what I really want is that someone who misses me when they don't see me; that someone who wants to know how my day went and what happened; that someone who wants to comfort me when I am sad and share the laughter when I am happy; someone who wants me to be all those things for them. I want to be that other person for someone. I just have to figure out a way to still hold onto that desire, yet not let it cause me unnecessary sadness and pain. That, I think, is the true goal for me. Yeah, that should be easy enough, right? Yeah, right! Lol! God help me - seriously!

Break time

So I met with Marj last night, and suffice it to say that it was such a "wonderful" experience that I am officially 'on break' from dating until further notice. We met at a place off of 3rd street and Bell called Yogurtini, a self serve yogurt place that was ok, but way inferior to Yogurtology as far as taste and product quality go. Anyway, we got our yougurt and sat down to visit, and she quickly got to talking about some issues she was having with her son - apparently he got busted for drugs recently, and she has been trying to get him to stop smoking the ganj (we all know how well that works - a mom trying to get her son to quit smoking weed, right? Lol).

I listened to her talking, and it was pretty clear to me that she has a VERY codependent relationship with her son, and that she was almost obsessed with the situation. I asked if she might consider going to Al Anon for some advice, and she told me that she already had gone, when she was dealing with her alcoholic husband. It seemed like she was looking for some advice, and I suggested that she might need to set some clear boundaries. She seemed to understand the concept, but I didn't get the feeling that she would be able to actually put them into practice and stick to them.

Well, after about 30-35 minutes of talking, she tells me that her son texted her, that he's home, and that she's sorry, but she really wants to go home and catch him so she can talk to him. Now, I have skipped taking the kids out to dinner to meet, taken the trouble to shower and dress nice, and driven like 12 miles - just to have her leave so she can go talk to her son...? Yeah, I wasn't real happy about that. It was however, a very enlightening experience, and showed me that she is definitely not someone I want to get involved with. She has so much going on with her son, and she is so engrossed in it, that I just don't see that we could have any kind of healthy relationship. And that's not to mention the fact that I asked her about that guy she was having trouble with, who wouldn't leave her alone, and she explained that it was an "on again/off again" thing, and that he wanted to be on again. Interestingly, that's all she really said - never said if she wanted to still, or if they were 'on again'.

All this left me feeling very disappointed, let down, and pretty much just burnt out on the whole process of meeting and trying to date women. It seems like it is just more work than it is worth right now, and I am tired of the mind games, disappointment, hassle and time it takes. I posted a message on my FB last night that I am just going to take a break from it, and I truly am. I even got on POF for just a minute last night thinking I might send out a message or 2. Then I realized I was just sick of it all, and I just closed the page. I am still in contact with Patricia, and she is fun to hang out with, so I might just go out on the occasional fun date with her, and maybe even Sharon sometimes, now that she is divorcing Bob.

I have learned a lot this round though. I have learned that it is important to be very clear in the beginning what my intentions are. And that if I am really attracted to a woman, and she suggests the "just friends first" thing, to just politely decline and move on. I am not looking for more "friends" - I am looking for a life partner. I have also learned that I tend to fall in WAY too quickly - STILL - and that I really need to concentrate on taking it slow, VERY slow, and take time to really get to know the person before I let myself think "she's the one!" And I also learned to not let anyone convince me to send them anything that I have written solely for my own viewing or purposes. Nothing good can come of it, and it defeats the purpose of such writing.

So, now I am back to "single dad" life, taking the time to be more involved with the kids, work out, read, meditate, get chores done, do my AA stuff, and just enjoy life. I am ok - I really am. I am not lonely, nor am I desperate. I am just me - single me. And single me is ok today. In fact, I like single me. And until single me finds a single someone else with whom things seem to click, single me is going to love myself and enjoy my life for all the wonderful things in it - and in me :)

Hard (kinda') comedown

Last night was not a good night. I actually starting feeling a little ill after writing that last entry, and when I got home, was feeling pretty down. I finally got sick of the kids rooms being so disgusting, and went in and cleaned both of them up. While at first I was able to keep my cool about it, I quickly moved to assigning some greater meaning to it - like their lack of ability to clean their rooms was a clear showing of disrespect and ingratitude - and I proceeded to go off a little bit. Tessi wasn't there, but Galen was. After which I went in my room, crawled into bed, and played some meditation stuff - "Invitation to Healing" I think.

I later got up, threw a couple loads of laundry in, and went to pick up Tess. I was none too happy when I picked her up either, and when we got home, she proceeded to clean their bathroom up, as well as the kitchen. It was a nice gesture, but lost on me, as I was pretty well in one of the most severe depressions I have experienced in the last 6 or 7 months by then. I got the clothes out of the dryers, and proceeded to put a pile of clothes on each of their bedroom floors. I decided I am not going to the trouble to fold it all nicely for them anymore when all they do is throw them on the floor. I can save myself some time, and save them the interim step.

Barb texted before she went to watch the movie and asked if she could call me after. I told her yes initially, then decided I really didn't want to talk to her. So I texted back and said I would be going to bed early and that I didn't feel well - all true. I sent her an email stating how I felt and what I was thinking, that I thought there were some pretty clear signs from the universe about all this; that I thought she was taking my inventory a little too much; that she seemed to be calling my ego out a lot while not recognizing her own; that I was looking for romance while she was looking for friends. I basically laid it all out on the table. To which she replied with something of the nature of "I didn't realize I was doing this stuff," and "this is getting exhausting," and "I just want to be a positive force in your life - I trigger something in you, and it is for you to find out why that is".

She is absolutely right, she does trigger something in me. At first, it was pure adoration and desire. Here I saw a woman - a beautiful woman with deep spiritual beliefs and a fertile mins. She also had humility and approachability. And after the exchanges we had that first night, and all of the synchronicities we (or at least I) experienced, I felt a certain sense of serendipity, like this was meant to be - like she was the one.

But as seems to be the case with all things that seem too good to be true, it wasn't what I had hoped it would be. Did I make the mistake of falling way too quickly? Yes. Did I get way too caught up in emotionalism and romantic delusion? Yes, apparently. Do I think I was wrong to do so? Perhaps. Would I have done anything differently? No, probably not. I honestly felt something I have not felt before - not since Ty and I first got together, and I don't even think that was as strong. And there seemed to be some kind of universal 'conspiracy' or imperative pushing this idea that we were perfect for each other. Again, at least I thought so. And who am I to go against the Universe?

But maybe I read way too much into it, and maybe it was just what it was : a bunch of coincidences, a strong connection, a lot of energy swirling around. And maybe that isn't as rare as I think...? Maybe I am assigning far too much "uniqueness" to this. Maybe the connection we seemed to share is something that can manifest with some other woman - maybe several different women. In the end, she may not be so special after all, and that may be a lesson for me in itself.

I'm not sure what is going to happen now. I know that I am not going to contact her again for awhile. I think the "exhausting" comment pretty well summed up her feelings, and how should would like to proceed at this time. So I am going to let go for now, and see what else the Universe has going on. I have a number of AA things I need to participate in at the SRI Roundup this weekend, being a member of 2 homegroups and all. And my college buddy John is in town from Texas, and we are trying to get the old KBJ team together for a "reunion" like we do whenever he is in town. And Sharon is divorcing Bob, and she mentioned maybe getting together for coffee tomorrow. So I won't be lonely and without things to do - that's for sure!

And that I think is the beauty of all this : yes, I was really down last night. But I have been able to bounce back very quickly, and I have a very busy, happy and full life to embrace no matter what happens on the "dating" front. My life is balanced today, and while it would be nice to find a sweetheart to share some romance with, I am ok with being patient and waiting for the right one. I am not alone, nor am I lonely. My life is full, and for that, I am very, very grateful to God, the Universe, and all that is :)

Big Weekend

This weekend was a big weekend : Patricia and I stayed at the Hyatt off of I-17 and spent the night together for the first time. We finally got to explore our passionate desires to their logical ends, and it was a very pleasant experience indeed. I had a very nice time with her, and I am very pleased at just how easy it is to be around her and how calm and relaxed I feel with her. The sex was good too, and I am fairly certain she enjoyed it quite a bit as well! Lol.

It is interesting though, just how different this relationship is and how it is progressing in comparison to every other one I have ever had. Although I do find her attractive, and there is some great chemistry between us, I am not completely "ga ga" for her as I have been with other women, even as recently as Michelle. And while there is a part of me that thinks maybe I'm just not as attracted to her as much physically as I was to those other women - and some part of that may be true - I would like to think also that maybe I have learned something from all of my other experiences, to take things slow, and to keep some reigns on my runaway heart to avoid some of the heartache and frustrations that I have experienced in so many other dating relationships.

Another interesting aspect of all this is my overall view of the relationship. In the past, when dating a woman, I would always find myself thinking "what if I find some PERFECT woman now? Someone who is just drop-dead gorgeous, nice, rich, etc... and she likes me? I won't be able to do anything - I will miss out on the 'big one'!" But now I finally realize that we are dating - that's it. We are not married, I have - for ONCE - not made any overt declarations of love, I have not made any unrealistic commitments - none of that. So, IF something did happen like I described, and some perfect woman came along, I would not have to miss out - I am not trapped. I will say that Pattie did mention something about us being boyfriend and girlfriend, and I agreed that, at this point, we are.

I think that, for me, all of this is evidence of some real growth and healthy relationship behaviors. I do find myself thinking back to Tina, and how I sometimes miss her body (Pattie is just a wee bit heavy - not extremely, but not in as good a shape as Tina was - which is very ironic, considering how much I used to bug Tina about her weight! Insanity for sure...), but then I remember all of the other stuff - the personality conflicts, and it causes me to rethink my position, and stop glorifying the stuff with Tina. And to her great credit, Pattie has made mention herself to the fact that she doesn't like the way she looks in the mirror, and said that she is going to join a gym to get into shape. So who knows - she may end up being even hotter than Tina in the end.

The great thing is that I am able to enjoy being with her now though, and was even able to enjoy being intimate even though she doesn't fit into the mold of what I consider to be a "hot body." She is very sensual though, and definitely knows how to turn me on. She also looks suprisingly good from some specific "viewpoints," and I had no real trouble 'getting there.' And for me, that is a pretty good indicator of how much REAL chemistry there is. I go back to times with Marci, and even times with Tina, when I had a little trouble getting there. In fact with Tina, the best sex we ever had was makeup sex. I laugh whenever I hear that term used in music or popular culture now, especially when referring to it being the best kind, cuz I've been there! Lol!

So I am taking this new relationship with Pattie just like the Program - one day at a time. She is sweet, funny, intelligent and fun to be around, and I am going to enjoy that without concern of "what if" or "what will they think." I am going to let things go where they may, keeping in mind to take it slow and not rush, or otherwise sabotage things. I have faith that things will work out exactly as they are supposed to if I do these things. Because in reality, it can be no other way anyway : )

The dish on the first date

Last night was the big "first date" with Pattie, and it went very well. When I first met her at Carraba's, I was a little taken aback, as she was wearing a dress, and it did seem as though she was a little thicker in the middle than I might have imagined her. But she looked pretty, has great calves and feet (GREAT feet, very sexy), so I basically just forgot about that and decided to enjoy the date and not focus on that part. And I am glad I did, because we had a really nice time. We ate dinner and then decided to go to Starbucks for dessert. She is not a coffee drinker, but said she could do a hot chocolate.

When we got to Starbucks and I saw her walking up to me (we took separate vehicles) I realized that she has some very sexy legs - she was wearing heels, and they made both her legs and feet look great. So I rethought my position, and realized that I don't need to filter my view of someone through society's view of what is sexy and what is not, or even my own distorted view for that matter : I can look at her with new eyes, and see her for her, and not for what I judge her to be. To my amazement, that actually worked, and I saw her as beautiful (and not like she isn't or something, because she is - it's just my anal-retentive perfectionist ideas that kept from seeing that before) and really, really wanted her.

We sat close and held hands, visiting about stuff for about an hour at the coffeeshop. Then it was time for me to get home to the kiddos. I walked to her car/minivan, and we kissed - and man was it a passionate kiss! It was very nice, and at times, she was so passionate and forceful about it, I thought she was going to literally crawl inside me! Lol! I can say that there was no doubt that she liked me A LOT, and wanted me too. And she has great skin - so soft and supple, I swear it's like that of a 16 year old. And she felt good in my arms - not like I was hugging some "big" woman or anything - not at all.

So I have decided to continue seeing her and see where things go. She is so much fun to talk to/chat with, and I am genuinely attracted to her. I was thinking last night on the way home that the whole situation reminded me somewhat of that movie "Shallow Hal", not that she is nearly as big as the lady in that was. But in the manner in which she seemed to get even prettier and prettier to me as the night went on - and I wasn't even drinking! Lol! It's sounding like we are going to see each other again tomorrow night, and I am happy. I am not all madly-in-love, over the top, obsessed, crazy for her - - and that is GOOD. It is healthy, and for that and several other reasons, I am very grateful and happy. I am learning to love just like I am trying to live - one day at a time :)

Look out for that bus! and other observations

Yep - look out for that bus indeed. I was officially thrown under it this week by Traci, right in front of Al, as she tried to blame me for "changing" an AD group in the middle of the project, causing the permissions not to work. Funny thing though - I had a printed copy of an email, that she was copied on, verifying the change as requested by the CUSTOMER. So yeah, her little attempt to run over me didn't work out too well. And when she tried to press me for why I had changed it in front of Al, he basically said 'let's just forget about that and focus on the solution' or something to that effect. It was really cool to see him be in my corner, and basically shut her down. She has been so devious during this entire project, and especially so as it has rolled into production. She basically messed up big time and dropped the ball on a major user requirement and was trying to blame me. But she didn't know that I failed recess, cuz I don't play!!! Ha ha!

In other news, I didn't hear back from Marj until this morning (she sent an email at about 1am this morning) and she said that her son has a bday party for his son so she isn't sure about doing dinner this weekend. She mentioned that she probably could Monday night but that she wouldn't be able to stay out too late. I have been trying to keep in mind my unrealistic communication expectations, but I can't help feeling she is being a little hesitant and backstepping a bit. So I sent her an email this morning basically saying that I am attracted to her, but if she doesn't feel the same about me, it's ok, and I would rather just know now. I don't want another Wendy situation where we are just 'hanging out' when she isn't even attracted to me. I am looking for a romantic partner - not another activity buddy. She hasn't replied yet, and probably won't til late tonight or tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow - I am finally going to meet the redhead I have been communicating with - Patricia - at Jamba Juice at 2 tomorrow. Her picture on POF induced quite a "recation" in me, and if she looks anything like she does in the picture, chances are I will be attracted to her. She seems sweet in her emails, reminds me a bit of Michelle. So I guess we'll see what happens. I like Marj, and she seemed to have some availablity for a relationship when we met. But now that she seems to be backpedalling, I'm ot so sure. I am basically just taking this all with an open mind, a positive "have fun" attitude, and playing the numbers game like Diana has suggested all this time. It has become apparent to me that I don't need to look at each and every meeting as "my only chance" - that many more will present themselves, and I can take my time and enjoy the process of meeting different people. Yeah - I can do that today. I really can! Yippeee!

I am speaking tonight at my new Monday night homegroup at 6pm and that should be cool. I haven't spoken at a meeting in a very long time. I am a little concerned, as it is an AA meeting, and a lot of my experience deals with drugs. But I have noticed at this group that they are much more open to that side of things, and don't seem to have an issue with people sharing about that. At least not like at my Friday night meeting, which is fantastic by the way, and at which NO ONE can share about anything but alcohol - it is expressly forbidden. Right after speaking, I will try to catch what I can of my Friday night homegroup meeting, and then the regular meeting. It will be an AA night fo-shizzle! And I can't think of a better way to spend a Friday night. Well, maybe I can think of ONE way!! Ha ha ha! Grateful to be happy, healthy and sober today... that's me : )

Still hangin' in there!

I have been doing such a good job of keeping my blog updated, I thought I would post just a brief snippet for today. Things on POF were VERY quiet this weekend. In fact, I didn't get even one message Saturday or Sunday. I didn't let it get to me at all though. I had a nice weekend with the kids, although Tessi was sicker than a dog with stomach flu Saturday night. She said she and Autumn had stayed up til like 5am, so it was no surprise that she got sick - she almost always does after staying up so late like that. Galen and I watched some good movies together (Tess joined in for the "From Paris with Love").

I had fun bowling Saturday night with my newly found team and league. It is a very diverse group of people - all ages, ethnicities, styles - and I really like it. I was thinking Saturday night that it is much better to be on that night instead of Sunday like the old league was. I feel like getting out on Saturday nights usually, and now I can, and do. On the other hand, I don't really feel like going anywhere Sunday night, and would rather stay home and relax. So it works out perfectly.

I did get a message from someone on POF late last night (saw it this morning when I got to work). It is from a woman named Wendy (username 'Tantricdish' - sounds yummy to me! Lol). She sounds very interesting - intelligent, well educated, strawberry blonde hair - and she sent me a reply asking me to tell her about who I am and what I am looking for in a relationship. That's a pretty deep question, so I sent her a pretty thoughtful reply. If things go the way they have been, I may never even hear from her again. But, I am not giving up faith, and in any case, it was a good exercise in self-awareness, trying to think of how to explain to someone else who I am.

Life is pretty darned good right now, I must admit. Other than CRAVING some good lovin' (oh, and by the way - she lives up to her username in her profile, stating that any man she dates must have a strong libido - got that one covered!). I am happy, healthy, content at work, and generally enjoying life. As far as the woman situation, I am still actively seeking, but without the desperation and thoughts of failure when things don't work out with a certain woman, or they don't write back. I figure the Universe knows what it is doing, and I have faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to as long as I keep doing the footwork. Gee - that sounds familiar - wonder where I came up with that one??? ha ha ha!