Facebook sucks - Galen's antics

Once again, I have decided to deactivate my Facebook account - probably for much longer this time, if I ever reactivate it at all. Yesterday, I got call from Galen's English teacher who told me that during a discussion on religion in his clasee, Galen popped off with "fuck God", prompting the teacher to have him removed from the class and writing a referral for him. I found this utterly offensive, and posted something about it on FB last night - with the expectations (WARNING - I KNOW about those things, yet I had them anyway) that someone, a friend perhaps, would post something offering some kind of support or something. Instead, Luke, and then Heather, posted some comments about Galen's constitutional rights, and how he shouldn't have been removed by security - that he should have just been given detention or something.

Well, I didn't like either of their comments - not one fucking bit. The LAST thing I wanted to hear was some defense of poor Galen's rights! What the fuck? I was so upset about it after reading them in my Netzero emails that I sent an email to Heather and Luke telling them what I thought - how I doubted that if either of their kids did something like that that they would be worried about the kids' rights. I haven't heard back from Luke yet, but Heather did call around noon. I missed the call, wouldn't have picked up anyway. She left a message saying that she was sorry, that she was upset, and that she would like to talk.

As for Luke, I am pissed at him. Because not only did he leave that comment, he also left another one that angered me. I left a post after that first one pondering why it was that whenever I wanted an email from someone, I didn't get one, and then when I didn't want one, I would get one. His response to that was "Big Baby." Which he probably thought was pretty funny. But given my current emotional state and the shit I have been going through - yeahhhhh... not so funny.

So I deactivated that fucking Facebook account, probably for good this time. I really don't use it hardly at all anyway. Most everyone on there just plays those stupid farm and mafia wars and other games, and it seems like the only real people that I communicate with on there, I email and/or talk to anyway. So what's the point? It's not like I have this big family on there to share pics with. And now, the people I consider friends are just pissing me off with comments made without knowing where I am in my head. I am sure that in person, and most likely in emails too, that is not as likely to happen.

And so I say "good fucking riddance" to Facebook again. Piss off! For good.

Looking for a pen pal

I decided to take an entirely different approach at things last night. I was thinking about how it is the communication aspect I like so much about the whole 'relationship' thing, and so I thought if maybe there were some ways, other than looking for a "match" on some dating site, that I might be able to find a good, old-fashioned pen pal - someone to correspond with in a friendly manner about day to day things; someone objective to share thoughts and feelings with; someone to get to know who lives an entirely separate life. So I decided to hit the net and see what I could find.

Well, to my somewhat surprise (not total though), I found that most of the so-called pen pal sites that I found through Google were simply dating sites by another name. Sure, some of them had all the trappings of a legit pen pal site - 'make friends, spread peace and understanding, blah blah blah...' when in reality, they are just dating sites under another name. After poking around for awhile, and even creating a profile on one of the sites only to delete it after finding out what it really was, I finally came across one that just might be legit - and yet sounds like it wouldn't be - oh, the irony : penpalparty.com.

So I created a profile, and even sent off a message to a lady I found through the site who sounds like she might be interesting. Supposedly, she is a meditation retreat leader, so I am thinking she might be interesting to correspond with. She sent me a brief email this morning, which I sent a rather lengthy reply to. But I have not yet heard back from her. Who knows what will come of it. I definitely have NO expectations about it. I just think it would be fun to have that kind of relationship with someone - purely, by its very nature, platonic, and based solely on personality and character. It sounds fascinating to me. Of course, that opportunity has always existed, but for some reason, knowing that the person is hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away makes it even more intriguing.

I was thinking today that I want to modify my profile tonight to mention that I would really like to correspond with a woman from Europe. I think it would be fascinating to run some things by her and see how different their attitudes are about certain things - or perhaps how similar they are. I have gotten to a point in my life where I have some serious issues with American women, and am curious to know if it is really just American women, or all women in general! Ha ha! Hopefully this will turn out to be fun.

Tonight I have an appt with Diana and I am planning on talking to her a bit about the holidays and how I don' want to do them this year as I have in the past, by going to Mike and Teri's. I am curious to find out what she will say. On a similar note, Galen went to see his counsellor for the first time without me last night, and I think it went pretty well - especially considering some of the things he was talking about last night - things like that fact that he thinks he wants to become a biomedical engineer or something so he can work on finding the cure for cancer (what the...?) It was pretty hard for me to believe, as up this point, his life goal has been to be a tattoo artist or manager at Zia's. I can't help but think his counsellor must have talked to him a bit about his choices in life and later career opportunities. Of course, it remains to be seen if he sticks with his newfound academic dedication (he said as part of this that he is going to stop ditching and start working hard to pull his grades up so he can get into a good university).

But I am grateful for any small amount of hope in any form it comes in at this point. Things have seemed so bleak with hi for so long that even a little thing like this is very, very welcome - albeit incredibly strange and somewhat unbelievable too! Lol. Overall, we have been getting along much better too, so the house has been much more peaceful - thank God for that. Well, almost meeting time. Good thing to, as I have had NO motivation to do anything like work for the last week or 2. I decided to take this Friday and the following Monday off on PTO. Maybe that little break will help recharge my "development batteries" so I can find SOME shred of motivation again. I sure hope so! Ha ha

Miracles do happen

Last night, as we sat down to dinner, Galen got upset at Tessi for "lying" : she asked if she could say a blessing, and I said as long as it didn't include something about her doing well in cheerleader tryouts, as that wasn't appropriate. She came back with a little "I know," then hesitated, and said "never mind." Well, Galen took that to be 'lying,' and he got all uspet about it. He kept going on and on about it, adding comments about how I used to beat him with a belt whenever he lied, and wondering why Tessi didn't get the same. I of course disputed his claims, but he kept ranting and ranting and raving until I finally ended up asking him to leave the table - which he did.

He left after dinner for a while, to go to Anthony's he said. About 2 hours later he came back home, and to my complete and utter amazement, he apologized for getting all upset at dinner - all on his own, without me saynig a word, and in a very honest and genuine way. I was flabbergasted! I can't remember him ever doing such a thing, especially completely of his own volition. It was funny, because after he did, Tessi was going into the bathroom to take a shower and said, "don't take this the wrong way, but it's about time." Leave it to her to say what I wanted to in some sense but didn't! Fortunately, I don't think he heard it, as I was concerned that would just start something else.

Later last night and this morning, I found myself thinking "what does he want?" It seems the only reasonable explanation I could come up with for such a display of true remorse is that he wants something - money, privileges, more hair dye, something. And so he has to butter me up so when he asks, I am more likely to say yes. As of this morning, he hasn't asked. Oh, and I almost forgot - to top things off, after he apologized, he actually got a notebook out and started working on homework! Talk about the end of days or something. At that point, I was truly fearful that perhaps I had died and crossed over, or that he had been replaced with an automaton or something (of course, that would not really be so much frightnening as just plain interesting...)

So I guess today I will find out, probably by this evening, if it truly was merely a ploy to prepare me for the asking. Or, if by some strange miracle, he actually is starting to take SOME small interest in something other than being contrary, divisive, uncaring and lazy. Either way, it was nice to hear an actual apology, even if it was merely to manipulate me. At this point, I'll take whatever I can get! Ha ha!

Feeling better, thank goodness

I have started getting back to feeling good over the last few days, and after almost 2 weeks of depression, I am very grateful. I got a much needed break from both kids this weekend, as Galen stayed over at Alex's and Tessi over at Gen's. I really needed it, and I made good use of it too. Saturday, I went to my first ACoA meeting, and it was very, very good. I am definitely going to start attending regularly. It almost reminded me of some of the better Knights retreats I went on, where people got real honest and expressed a lot of emotion, a lot of hurt and pain. I could TOTALLY relate to what people shared too, and that was nice. So I will definitely go back again this Satruday.

Then, Sunday night, Todd treated me out to the Jack Johnson concert. I am not a big fan, as his music all sounds too similar for my taste, but it was a very good show, and I always have a good time with Todd. He had told me there would be a lot of good looking single women there, but in fact, it was mostly couples. Not hard to imagine why - seems like his music would be good to listen to with "your sweetie". But no matter - it was a good show, and I especially enjoyed one of the openers, G-Love, and really liked it when he brought G-Love out and they did a few numbers together. That was pretty rockin'.

Yesterday, I took the day off on PTO, and Tessi wasn't feeling well, so she stayed home (probably overtired from staying at Gen's, but whatever). In any case, I was trying to take a nap on the couch around 11:30am when she came out and said "Dad, I found a bedbug on my bed." So I went in and checked, and sure enough - she too had bedbugs. There was a little on crawling on her pillow, and when I lifted up her boxsprings, we saw at least 3 or 4 other ones. I really can't afford to buy another new bed -  not to  mention that bed is only like 3 or 4 years old - so we went to Bed Bath and Beyond and bought some bedbug-proof encasements for both the mattress and boxspring - $160 worth, which I really couldn't afford either, but it's cheaper than a whole new bed - and did the whole drill with her room : packed everything up and went to the laundromat to wash and dry on high and cleaned up and vaccumed the hell out of her room. We also bought some spray stuff to put on the baseboards and the bottom of the boxspring before we encased it. Hopefully that will at least keep them off her when she is sleeping. Oh yeah - we also did my "redneck bug tape trap" to her frame legs too to hopefully keep them from crawling up onto it.

This whole bedbug thing is a bit nerve wracking, but I am trying to keep it in perspective and not get too freaked out about it. I know I sure was at first, and Tess was pretty freaked out about it yesterday. She had a bit of a hard time relaxing and getting to sleep last night, and I can't blame her really. She noticed that the encasement on the boxsprings was touching the floor, so we pulled up all the slack and tucked it under the mattress. She was also the one who asked f we could do the tape job to hers. I feel bad for her, because I know how it feels - the total heebie jeebies. I joined an online forum called bedbugger.com, and some people have literally been driven to the point of madness or contemplating suicide from these things. I guess if it was some other kind of bug, it wouldn't be so bad. But just knowing that they live to sneak onto you and suck your blood while you are sleeping - I guess it's just to creepy and disturbing; not like a little beetle, or even a roach that is just crawling on you; but something that actually FEEDS on you. Yuck!

Other than the bedbug issue, things are going much better. Galen and I have actually been getting along pretty well, and I have quit bugging and nagging him about school. I have implemented some of the rule/reward systems that Diana and I talked about, and they seem to be working well. I am still a little down about the dating situation, but have been staying in contact with friends and even got a really nice card from Ty. So I am grateful. Grateful to alive, greatful to have some sense of peace back in my head, grateful to have a good job, grateful to be getting along with Galen, grateful for a daughter who behaves as well as she does, grateful for friends, grateful for the Program, grateful to the Universe and grateful to be sober. I need always remember that - to be grateful for everything, as I for one know just how fragile it all is, and just how easily it can be taken for granted or forgotten. Let me not forget...

Slow but steady

Things seem to be continuing to improve, both with my mental state and with my relationship with Galen, slowly and steadily. I think the counselling session may have really helped and am glad I finally got some going for him. I know my session with Diana helped a lot. I am seeing her again in about 2 and a half hours. I was thinking that maybe when I saw her Monday night, we would skip the appt I originally had scheduled for today. But she seemed to think, and I agreed, that it might be a good idea to go ahead and come in today too.

In other news, I had started a rather morbid blog called "The Suicide Files" on which I was going to record all the instances of suicide being mentioned in the news, and then add my commentary about how I could relate. But I thought better of it, and started ANOTHER entirely new blog (after deleting that one) called "Fixing my Head" where I will record my thoughts/experiences with working to overcome the depression and negative self-talk that has crippled me for so long. Who knows - maybe it can serve as a kind of "self help roadmap" to help me find my way back to better thoughts when I get down by detailing what I did when I was down that worked, what didn't work, and so on.

I broke down and texted that lady Jennifer (Madison's mom, the one I met up with at GameStop a few weeks ago). I had resolved I wasn't going to text her, that I was just going to give up completely on women again for awhile. But something inside of me said to go for it, that I had nothing to lose, and so I did. I have not yet heard back from her, but last time it took her quite a while to get back to me too, so that's not surprising. And to be honest, even if she doesn't get back to me at all, I am ok with it. Because, as I said, I am in a place of being ready to take a complete break from women again for a while. I just have nothing to offer, and am filled with neediness. What woman wants - or deserves - that?

Thats life in a nutshell right now. I haven't worked out in over a week since I have not been feeling well. I did do some crunches and bicycles last night before bed, and it felt good. I am hoping to go to the gym again tomorrow for the first time in a week and a half and at least hit the treadmill for awhile. Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight, and that is good. Gotta' hold on to those good things, and try to let go of the negative stuff - mainly the negative thoughts in my head. It is a constant effort, but one that I must exert if I wish to escape the abyss of my depression and self-loathing. And I do want to escape - I really, really do - one step, one grabbing, clawing, clinging step at a time if need be.

Surviving

That is the way to describe the weekend - I survived it. I was sick most of the weekend, still feeling like crap. I was able to pretty much lay around all day Saturday, which was nice - I needed it. Sunday morning I woke up, and Galen had left a bit of a mess in the living room and left the computer desk totally trashed. He basically spent all day Saturday on the computer, and it showed. So I decided to lock him out of the computer again - to ground him from it for a while. And, as is typical, he was asking me yesterday afternoon already if he could get on for a few to "check something." I said no, and when he asked me when he would be able to get back on again, I said whenever I decided.

I also took the opportunity to tell him, while Tessi wasn't there (she spent the night at Carrie's) that although I would "pretend" to be all nicey-nice when Tess was around, I wasn't going to do so when she wasn't. I explained to him (AGAIN) that in our society, people have to work to get paid, and that for him, his 'work' was to go to school and to pass his classes. And since he didn't choose to do either because he didn't "feel like it," then he would not earn any 'pay' - pay in this case baing computer time.

And he will be losing other pay too. I told him originally I was going to let him keep his phone because it was helpful to me to be able to get ahold of him. Then Sunday morning, I get a call from Tessi wondering what was wrong with Galen. She was worried about him, as he had texted Sam telling her there was some "life and death" situation. I told Tessi that he was fine, he was laying in bed. So later, I asked Galen what the life and death situation that he texted his mom about was, and he said his friend was having trouble with his girlfriend. Yeah. So Sam is all worried, and Tessi is all worried - for what? Well, that basically swayed my decision to letting his cellphone service get cancelled. Seems there is more negative that comes from it than positive.

Another change I put in place was that he is going to start doing his own laundry. Having someone do your laundry for you is a privilege, and I am not going to provide that service as a privilege to someone who is not only not doing their job (going to school), but doing NOTHING at all. He can wash his own clothes. He thinks Derek's dad Paul is so cool, and is always telling me what Paul says about stuff - well, now he can live by some of "Paul's wisdom" and wash his own clothes like Derek does. I am doing nothing for this kid anymore above and beyond the bare minimum of what I need to. I also told him to not bug Tessi for money or for the password to the computer.

Is all this the right stuff to do? Who the hell knows. I know that it is miserable having to live with him, and to be tough all the time. It is like all the joy in my life (what little true joy there was) has just been sucked out of me. And now, I am left as depressed as I have ever been. Well, ok - not quite as bad : I am not as suicidal as I was last year at this time. And I am actually feeling a little better today. I made a counselling appt for him today at 3pm (yet another attempt to do something to help with this shit) and I have one with Diana tonight at 8pm. So hopefully I will get back on an upward trend again.

One thing I have figured out though : it is best for anyone that they are not involved with me right now. In fact, I think it will be a long time, if ever, that I can actually be involved with anyone again. I realize now that my desire to be in a relationship with someone is purely selfish, because I have nothing to give. I want someone to support me emotionally, to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. But I have nothing to offer them - nothing but a bunch of dark thoughts and self-pity. It is something I have known for a long time, but just haven't wanted to admit to myself because I can't stand the thought of it, and really don't like being alone as far as an intimate relationship goes and going without the physical affection (hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggling) that I so crave.

But the truth is the truth, and I have to learn to live with it - just like the stuff with Galen, my mom, my depression - it is what it is, and I have to live with it. Or maybe, as it has been lately, at least survive.

Yuck - the "fun" continues

Last night was a pretty bad night. I wasn't feeling well at all, and all I really wanted to do was lay down and relax. Galen and Tessi walked across the street to Walgreens, and when they came back, I asked Tessi if she had any homework. She said she didn't, and I told her that if it ended up that she really did but just wasn't doing it, I would not help her come Thursday night. To which she said, "you didn't help me last time anyway," or something to that effect. And at that very moment, I lost it. I have helped her with her homework every week this year, and she knew it. Why she said that, I don't know, but I had a feeling that it might have had something to do with haging out with her brother and picking up some of his "wonderful" attitude.


I tried to contain myself, but just couldn't. I ended up throwing one of our glass bowls against the sink and shattering it. I proceeded to yell at Tessi, telling her that I always helped her, and I couldn't believe she said that, then went on a basic tirade towards both of them, stating that I couldn't believe not only how unappreciative they were, but how it seemed like both of them - as well as their mom - had some alternate view of reality, and that perhaps I was truly insane, because it seemed like the things I thought happened didn't, and things I didn't think happen truly did.

Long story short(er), Galen ended up leaving for awhile, calling his mom and telling her that I was flipping out, Tessi stayed home, cried a bit, I settled down quickly after Galen left, I apologized to Tessi and told her that most of my anger was directed at Galen, but that it hurt to think that neither of them remembers any of the nice things I do for them, Sam (my ex) called Tessi and told her that her mom was on the way over to get her because Galen told her (his mom) that Tessi wasn't safe with me, Tessi called her mom and said that wasn't true and that no one needed to come over, Tessi went over to a friend's house to stay the night (some really nice people that have kind of adopted Tessi into her family), I went to bed, and then about 9:30pm Galen came back in and said he had nowhere else to go so he came home. I didn't say much, just gave him his new medication and went to bed.

...And a crappier Monday, or No Mas

I am done writing these entries about Galen, and how "wonderful" he seems to be doing, because every time I do, it is inevitably followed by another post telling how he has fucked up again. And so is this case this time. Yesterday - ah, you know what, I don't even want to waste the words on this shit anymore. Suffice it to say that he ditched 7th hour yesterday, and as a reasoning, said that he "didn't feel like going." Nice. I don't feel like feeding his sorry ass either, but I do.

I was going to take today off so I could go to the courts and find out what I need to do to either have him declared incorrigible, or at least protect myself from getting fined. But, I am on call this week, so I can't really do that. Instead, I am going to go to his school since it is so close and give all his past academic records to the social worker as he requested, and ask him what kind of trouble I can get in if Galen continues to miss school.

You know, part of me wants to say (and truly is saying) "I just don't deserve this." Then there is the AA part of me that says "if I got what I deserved, I'd be dead." Then there is another part of me that says, " ..." I don't know what it says. I guess it says something like "I was never this much trouble to my mom in high school, and my mom was out drinking half the time, or playing lovey-lovey with Bob Barber for God's sake. This kid has it easy compared to me - what's his fucking problem?"

In the end, I guess none of that is really productive. It is what it is, and I have to accept it and deal with it here and now. I can say that as much as I love Galen, I really don't like him anymore, and can't stand to think of all the lies and mnaipulation that he weaves. And I need to be strong from here on it and NOT GIVE IN when it comes to doing nice things for him. He is such a little manipulator. He will be sweet as sugar to get what he wants. Then, after he does, all bets are off, and he is back to being a smartass asshole. Ugh.

I am grateful that I have friends - both in the Program and not - that I can lean on and talk to. And I am grateful that I have a pretty strong spiritual foundation. I know all of this is impermanent, and it will pass. I only need to maitain some kind of patience, compassion and love, and all will be well eventually. I just need to breathe - ahhhhhhhhh............

A better weekend

This weekend marked the first time in quite awhile that Galen, Tessi and I have spent more than just a few minutes together on a Saturday or Sunday, and it was really nice. We all went to PV mall Saturday morning to get Galen something he wanted at Hot Topic - these 'arm warmer' type things. I have decided to stop concerning myself so much with the black nail polish and such and to focus just on his behavior and school performance. While we were there, I also got Tessi a nice little silver ring like she had been wanting - as a sort of reward for getting straight A's. So they both got a bit of a treat, and it was good to spend some time enjoying each other's company. Later that afternoon, I tool Tess over to her mom's to stay the night.

The rest of the weekend was pretty relaxing. Galen actually stayed home all weekend, which was a bit of a shocker, and actually kinda' nice. I went to bowling Saturday night and had one of those nights where I can couldn't throw the ball the same way twice. Good thing is, I still had a blast! Lol.We watched a monster movie Saturday night that I had rented. Sunday, I did a MAJOR floor cleaning in the living room, kitchen and dining room - basically all the marble tile. It looks, smells and feels SO much better now. Then I watched the Cards try to lose to Oakland unsuccessfully - they actually won somehow (more like Oakland lost it, as their kicker missed a 33 year chip shot with 2 seconds left).

All in all, it was a good weekend. I guess there is one little thing I left out, but I am not going to make too much of it. Saturday, after going to PV mall, we headed home so Galen could collect a bunch of his PS2 games that he wanted to trade in to get a new one - Prince of Persia. While we were at GameStop, a lady (Jennifer) who has a daughter (Madison) that went to Madison Christian when Tessi was there came in, and we struck up a conversation. I have always thought she was pretty and always wanted to talk to her. But I thought she was married or had  boyfriend, so I never pursued it. Saturday, I worked up enough courage to ask about that stuff a little bit. And when I found out she wasn't married and didn't have a boyfriend, I asked her if she would like to get coffee or something sometime. She said yes, and we exchanged numbers. I actually contacted her to ask about Sunday morning, but she wasn't able to make it. We are supposedly going to try again for this weekend.

There is a part of me that started to get excited, as she did seem to light up a bit (even Tessi thought so) when I asked her about getting coffee. But I have learned in my recent experiences to never assign too much meaning to anything and to never expect anything; just take it as it comes, and if it doesn't come at all, so be it - don't get all upset, just accept it and roll on. And right now, that is exactly what I am doing. I was thinking about texting her yesterday to say "hope you're having a good day," and then I decided not to. I am just not going to go after like I have before. Because, to be honest, at some level, I just don't care about that whole thing anymore - not like I used to. I would be lying to say that I don't care at all, because I do. And if I had a choice, sure, I would have a girlfriend. But I feel that I have given it the old "Harvard try" - I've given it all I had, and came out with nada. So I am ok with just not giving it much of anything for ahwile.

I am trying to focus more on friends, my kids, and the Program. I am answering the phone now - every time a friend calls. No matter if it's Todd, Luke, whoever - I answer. And I am doing a better job reaching out and staying in touch with friends like Heather, Sharon and Ty. It is these relationships that I am focusing on now - ones that will still be here 1, 2, 5 years from now. And as far as all the things I miss - the sex, the sex, and of course, the SEX! LOL! well, I will survive. And someday, I am confident that I will have sex with someone, and something other than my hand again. Even if I have to end up going to Nevada and "buying" some love one day, I will have sex again. But I am not going to go relationship hunting with that as the primary objective - not again. And so, I am focusing on friends. And today, that's ok - it really is : )

Latest Galen update

This is taken from an email I sent Heather this morning (why rewrite all this, right?) :

 I have had a pretty rough week myself, although things finally turned around a bit yesterday. My son was gone all weekend - which I expected. But then I didn't hear from him all day Monday, so I started getting concerned that he wouldn't make the appt. I had made with a psychiatrist for him to get evaluated. I went to his school Tuesday to talk to him, but he didn't go to class. So I texted a couple of his friends (I had taken his phone away) and said that he needed to get in touch with me or I was going to report him as a runaway. Lo and behold, about 15 minutes later, I got a text from him.

I told him that I thought it would be best if he came home and stayed Tuesday night so we could go the appt, and that we would decide what to do after. The psychiatrist we met with was really good, and to my great relief, she agreed with me that it doesn't really seem like he has ADHD - she is more inclined to think it is a mood disorder, and prescribed something to help with that. I told Galen that I thought he ought to stay at home for the first 2 weeks, after which we were scheduled to go in for a follow up, and then after that, if he still wanted to leave, he could. He agreed, and that was somewhat of a relief.

So last night, as I was getting ready for bed, he came in and basically apologized and said that he wanted to stay at home, even after the 2 weeks between now and the follow up, and that he really wanted to try to turn things around. I told him that words were just words, and that is was actions that counted. He agreed, we hugged, said I love you's, and went to bed. So, after everything, it sounds like we may have gotten through to him - again, for the moment. I am really hoping this medication can help stabilize his moods a bit and help him to sleep better. I didn't realize it, but he hasn't been getting very good sleep for some time, and that can really play hell with a person's moods. That is one major benefit of this medication too - it is taken at night, and supposed to make a person a little drowsy. So we'll see how it works.

---------

And that about sums it up. I was starting to get a little down last night (before the whole "hug" thing). But fortunately I had an appt scheduled with Diana, and I think it really helped a lot. I am very happy with the progress I have made, and the fact that I was able to avoid going down the whole 'what did I do wrong?' road. And I think talking things through with Diana (while hooked up to the EMDR) helped quite a bit. It was also nice to hear her suggest to let Galen have his weekends as long as he goes to school and passes his classes. Because I was planning on that, but wasn't confident that it was the "good parent" thing to do - thought maybe I was just being selfish in not wanting to have to try to deal with his sighs and grumbles from having to stay home all weekend. With Diana actually suggesting it, I felt a big sense of relief. She even went a step further and suggested maybe giving him some extra time on Wednesday nights to stay out a bit later.

Basically the message I got from her was that it's important to get him to 'buy in' to all this, and that it might be worth the risk to let him go out on weekends and "smoke pot and have sex" as Diana said, if it helps to get him to go to school and actually pass his classes. I was actually quite surprised to hear her put it like that. At the same time, it was music to my ears, because I could see how that might actually work, and avoid the situation of him being angry and resentful all the time for not getting to do what he wants, in addition to allowing me to have some time on the weekends to wind down and do my own thing. The real goal, as I stated to her, was to get him to graduate high school. What happens after that, when he is a legal adult, well, that will be up to him.

So today, I am feeling much relieved, happier about the whole situation, and grateful for the way things have worked out - all  the way around; from Diana's suggestions and the peace I can see them bringing; to Galen's coming around and saying that he did care and that he wants to be home; to all the friends I have like Ty and Heather, Doug, Todd and others who reassured me that I am a good dad; to myself - my Highest Self that has taken the time to really love, accept and work on those places inside that have needed healing for so long. Thank you God, thank you Universe, and thank you Kevin : )

Troubles with the teen

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I had written anything in here. I guess I have just been having way too much "fun" dealing with Galen's crap again. It started last week (Thursday) when I got a call from his English teacher - the cool one who is the guitar player and whom Galen liked so much. He told me that Galen wasn't turning in any homework at all, and that he is failing the class with a 55%. I told him about Galen's theory that he has ADHD, and Mr. Anderson (the teacher) said he has taught 1000's of kids with ADHD and that he doesn't believe Galen has it. Neither do I. Nonetheless, he has an appt tomorrow with a psych to get screened for it.

So when I got home Thursday night, I lectured - not yelled, just lectured - Galen about it and said that he needed to do his homework, ALL of it, before he could do anything else. Mr. Anderson had told me that he gives the students a 'checklist' of the homework they have, and he asked if I would start checking Galen's every night to make sure he had done it. So I thought when I sent Galen into his room to do his homework, he would be in there all night to get it all done. He had like 4 journal entries to do, a poem, and something else.

Well, lo and behold, less than an hour after he went in there, he came out saying he was done. I was like, "no way..." But sure enough, I checked it, and he had completed all of the work. I asked him, "you created all this heartache and headache over a measly hours worth of homework? Really?" He seemed to agree that it was silly and agreed that he just need to start doing it. So once again, I thought we had a productive talk, and just maybe he was back on track. Then came Friday...

I got home from work, and the first thing I see when I walk in is him standing there with something behind his back. He starts saying something to the effect of "I know you're going to be mad... blah blah blah.... Derek had my bus pass and wouldn't bring it to me... blah blah..." and after his little story, pulls the home phone out from behind his back and tells me that it is broken - he got mad at Derek, threw it, and broke it. It was at this point that I also noticed he had that stupid freakin' black marker all over his arms again, as well as black-painted fingernails, and to top it all off, a button that said "Legalize Cannabis". Needless to say, at this exaclt moment, I went off.

I started lambasting him, telling him how he had told me that yelling and screaming didn't work (and saying it very sarcastically, as if he had been a baby about it, which he had) and how I had changed that behavior - how I hadn't been yelling and screaming at him, but talking to him, and even going so far as rewarding him by giving him a phone again. I told him that if he wanted to stay in my house, there was to be no more of the black marker all over the arms and the black nail polish had to go. And I got EXTREMELY upset about the button and told him that I couldn't believe he had the gaul to wear that in my house, knowing that I am a recovering addict. I basically ended it all by saying - yelling - the old cliche' "if you want to live in my house, you will live by my rules." I punctuated it with a nice "if you want to look like a drug addict, then go live with them and get the fuck out!" It sickened me to think how much I sounded like my mom at that moment. But I remember too that I never looked the part like Galen does - not in high school anyway - and that at least I went to school and passed my classes. I never tried to intentionally throw it in my mom's face like Galen is doing to me.

So anyway, I left to take Tessi to Sam's, meet Paul F and some guys for dinner, and then go to my Friday meeting. When I got home, Galen had left a note with a seriously "martyr-ish" tone to it, saying that he thought it best if he leave for the weekend, that he didn't want to make any more excuses, and that I was right - it wouldn't be fair to Tessi for him to endanger my sobriety. And I have not heard from or seen him since. I am getting ready to go up to his school to see if they can call him down to the office for me though because I need to find out how he wants to meet up to go to his appt.

The actual reason I thought to sit down and write this today is because I was pondering that very meeting, and feeling a tinge of guilt for the fact that if he were to stay away from home, basically move out, I wouldn't care one bit. Any feelings of attachment and concern for him have been replaced by disgust and disappointment. He is old enough now that he is not helpless, and all these things are coming about as consequences of several poor decisions he has made, his brutal laziness, and I think some misguided effort on his part to create this mystique of being a "bad boy", a troubled youth. Whatever. I might get him laid, but it sure isn't winning any points with me.

And so I am going to go ask him if he is moving out for good, and if he tells me that he is, demand the housekeys back. Other than that, I have no real plans until after we go to meet with the shrink tomorrow. His mom is coming too, so we will all be there together, which will actually be nice. I am thinking about keeping Tessi home from school so she can come to, and we can all show him that, as a family, we all love and support him - yet AGAIN. Not like we haven't gone out of our way to show him a 1000 times already. I guess we'll see what happens. Fortunately, I have an appt. with Diana tomorrow night, so I can work through some of this stuff, of which I am sure there will be plenty!

(not so) Indecent proposal

I did something last night that I have never done before - at least not that I can remember. I was getting ready to go to bed, and thinking about Barbara a bit for some reason, and I had a strange impulse : send her an email asking if she would just like to have some consensual sex with no strings attached. Why I thought of that, I don't really know. But as I pondered it, I realized that I didn't really have anything to lose by sending such an email, and there was an off chance that she might actually say yes. Worst case, she would think I was a perv and never email me again. Best case, I get some sweeeeeet lovin'! I figured that since she doesn't have time for an actual relationship, maybe she would be open to just skipping all that and getting right to the good part.

I was pretty much expeceting either no response, or something along the lines of "what kind of woman do you think I am?" But much to my surprise, she actually replied last night (I didn't check email til this morning, but it was sent late last night - quickest response ever from her! Lol) and said that she was flattered, that she had actually been involved in something like that before, but that someone usually ends up getting hurt. And because of all the "emotions already swirling around" our situation, she had to do the responsible thing and decline. Now, one might think I would be bummed out. But considering the fact that I was expecting a much more terse and defensive response, I was actually very pleased!

And so, for some reason that only God knows, I sent her an email stating that I understood, and that I still felt the same way about the whole thing, that we were meant to be together, that I would always be ready if she ever is, and that if not in this lifetime, then perhaps the next. As I sit here writing all that, I am thinking "WTF is WRONG with you dude?!?! Why don't you just give up on this chick already!" And the answer is, I am not completely sure. I'm fairly certain is has to do with the fact that she is beautiful (and in ways I specifically really like a lot - for example, she has gorgeous feet, I am talking ones that almost give me a wood!), she is deep, she has a great body, and most importantly, there really was some kind of incredible psychic connection between us. And to me, that is just not something that can be easily given up. As long as there is at least a chance, how ever infinitely dim and small it may be, that I may get the opportunity to explore that connection more deeply with her, I will not completely give up.

I have come to a place however where I am much more at peace about it, and I am not holding my breath that anything will ever happen. I am going to move on with my life, and not obsess about her or a relationship with her. Nor am I going to bug her constantly about it. I am just going to remain open to it, and as long as she continues the correspondence, so will I. I believe there is a part of her inside that knows - that knows what is there between us - but she is afraid, and unwilling to give in to it. She is afraid of not being in control, and doesn't like the idea of being bound so tightly to anyone or anything. And she may always be that way. Like I said, if not this lifetime...

In other, much more stressful news, Galen is starting to revert back to his old behaviors again, and had me totally stressed out last night. I told him just this weekend that, since I got a letter from the school about his poor attendance, he needed to start coming home by 6pm at the latest every school night. So last night, a night the board meeting is scheduled, he texts me at 5:30 to tell me he will probably be a little late getting home. I am thinking like 6:15, 6:30. And considering the fact that I don't really have to leave until 6:20 to get there on time, I wasn't too worried about it.

So, 6:20 came, he still wasn't there, but I had to leave. I told Tessi he would probably be home soon, and texted her saying to text me as soon as he got home. I also sent him a number of texts asking when he was getting home, most of which he did not answer. Come 7 o'clock, I texted Tessi, and he still wasn't home. At that point, she started calling me every so often, asking when he was going to get home. I had sent him several texts asking him that, none of which her replied to. I was getting more and more upset with each passing minute.

Next thing you know, it's 8 o'clock - still no Galen. Now Tessi is calling and I can hear the worry in her voice. She is wanting me to come home because Galen is still not there. Finally, at 10 after 8, he replies and says he is almost home. 15 minutes later, I call home, and he STILL isn't there! I told Leona, Jim and Michael that I had to leave by 8:30, and they understood.

Finally, abouy 8:25pm, I call him and finally get in touch with him ( I had once before, but he mumbled something and hung up on me). He is home, knocking on the door. Of course at this point, it doesn't really matter because I am getting ready to leave the meeting, as we have finished up anyway.

When I got home, I had a long talk with him, and basically told him that I am not going to support this behavior again, that he is not going to push me around, that he is ungrateful, and that if he doesn't shape up I was going to kick him out and he could call the cops and CPS all he wanted - I was not, I am not, going to take it anymore. I told him he is totally grounded for the next 5 days, and that if he isn't home, there will be some serious consequences. I forgot to add that he had texted Sam yesterday saying that he thinks he needs to be on Ritalin again (anything for an excuse), so I told him we will take him in and get him tested for ADHD again. I told him also that once we have done that, and he is medicated again, if he still screws up, there will be NO MORE excuses. I am actually looking forward to that, as I think he is banking on using that one to rubber stamp all his behavior.

So, here we are, a year later, and it sounds like a complete re-run of last year at this time. To be honest, I am just trying to hang on until he is 18, and I can kick him out for good so he can be on his own. I really pray that he will change a lot before then so I won't think this way. But, I am also prepared for the reality that he may not change, and may in fact get even worse, in which case, on November 22nd, 2013, his present will be a new set of luggage with all his shit on it on the front doorstep. Like I said, I pray that things get better, I really do. But just like an addict or alcoholic, he has to WANT to change. And at this time, I just don't see it. Who knows though. Miracles can happen, and I'm really hoping one happens for him - SOON.