I did something last night that I have never done before - at least not that I can remember. I was getting ready to go to bed, and thinking about Barbara a bit for some reason, and I had a strange impulse : send her an email asking if she would just like to have some consensual sex with no strings attached. Why I thought of that, I don't really know. But as I pondered it, I realized that I didn't really have anything to lose by sending such an email, and there was an off chance that she might actually say yes. Worst case, she would think I was a perv and never email me again. Best case, I get some sweeeeeet lovin'! I figured that since she doesn't have time for an actual relationship, maybe she would be open to just skipping all that and getting right to the good part.
I was pretty much expeceting either no response, or something along the lines of "what kind of woman do you think I am?" But much to my surprise, she actually replied last night (I didn't check email til this morning, but it was sent late last night - quickest response ever from her! Lol) and said that she was flattered, that she had actually been involved in something like that before, but that someone usually ends up getting hurt. And because of all the "emotions already swirling around" our situation, she had to do the responsible thing and decline. Now, one might think I would be bummed out. But considering the fact that I was expecting a much more terse and defensive response, I was actually very pleased!
And so, for some reason that only God knows, I sent her an email stating that I understood, and that I still felt the same way about the whole thing, that we were meant to be together, that I would always be ready if she ever is, and that if not in this lifetime, then perhaps the next. As I sit here writing all that, I am thinking "WTF is WRONG with you dude?!?! Why don't you just give up on this chick already!" And the answer is, I am not completely sure. I'm fairly certain is has to do with the fact that she is beautiful (and in ways I specifically really like a lot - for example, she has gorgeous feet, I am talking ones that almost give me a wood!), she is deep, she has a great body, and most importantly, there really was some kind of incredible psychic connection between us. And to me, that is just not something that can be easily given up. As long as there is at least a chance, how ever infinitely dim and small it may be, that I may get the opportunity to explore that connection more deeply with her, I will not completely give up.
I have come to a place however where I am much more at peace about it, and I am not holding my breath that anything will ever happen. I am going to move on with my life, and not obsess about her or a relationship with her. Nor am I going to bug her constantly about it. I am just going to remain open to it, and as long as she continues the correspondence, so will I. I believe there is a part of her inside that knows - that knows what is there between us - but she is afraid, and unwilling to give in to it. She is afraid of not being in control, and doesn't like the idea of being bound so tightly to anyone or anything. And she may always be that way. Like I said, if not this lifetime...
In other, much more stressful news, Galen is starting to revert back to his old behaviors again, and had me totally stressed out last night. I told him just this weekend that, since I got a letter from the school about his poor attendance, he needed to start coming home by 6pm at the latest every school night. So last night, a night the board meeting is scheduled, he texts me at 5:30 to tell me he will probably be a little late getting home. I am thinking like 6:15, 6:30. And considering the fact that I don't really have to leave until 6:20 to get there on time, I wasn't too worried about it.
So, 6:20 came, he still wasn't there, but I had to leave. I told Tessi he would probably be home soon, and texted her saying to text me as soon as he got home. I also sent him a number of texts asking when he was getting home, most of which he did not answer. Come 7 o'clock, I texted Tessi, and he still wasn't home. At that point, she started calling me every so often, asking when he was going to get home. I had sent him several texts asking him that, none of which her replied to. I was getting more and more upset with each passing minute.
Next thing you know, it's 8 o'clock - still no Galen. Now Tessi is calling and I can hear the worry in her voice. She is wanting me to come home because Galen is still not there. Finally, at 10 after 8, he replies and says he is almost home. 15 minutes later, I call home, and he STILL isn't there! I told Leona, Jim and Michael that I had to leave by 8:30, and they understood.
Finally, abouy 8:25pm, I call him and finally get in touch with him ( I had once before, but he mumbled something and hung up on me). He is home, knocking on the door. Of course at this point, it doesn't really matter because I am getting ready to leave the meeting, as we have finished up anyway.
When I got home, I had a long talk with him, and basically told him that I am not going to support this behavior again, that he is not going to push me around, that he is ungrateful, and that if he doesn't shape up I was going to kick him out and he could call the cops and CPS all he wanted - I was not, I am not, going to take it anymore. I told him he is totally grounded for the next 5 days, and that if he isn't home, there will be some serious consequences. I forgot to add that he had texted Sam yesterday saying that he thinks he needs to be on Ritalin again (anything for an excuse), so I told him we will take him in and get him tested for ADHD again. I told him also that once we have done that, and he is medicated again, if he still screws up, there will be NO MORE excuses. I am actually looking forward to that, as I think he is banking on using that one to rubber stamp all his behavior.
So, here we are, a year later, and it sounds like a complete re-run of last year at this time. To be honest, I am just trying to hang on until he is 18, and I can kick him out for good so he can be on his own. I really pray that he will change a lot before then so I won't think this way. But, I am also prepared for the reality that he may not change, and may in fact get even worse, in which case, on November 22nd, 2013, his present will be a new set of luggage with all his shit on it on the front doorstep. Like I said, I pray that things get better, I really do. But just like an addict or alcoholic, he has to WANT to change. And at this time, I just don't see it. Who knows though. Miracles can happen, and I'm really hoping one happens for him - SOON.
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