That may sound like a bit of a contradiction, but I am coming to see that in fact, it is not. For me, it is a place that I want to get to - where I am not necessarily happy, but I am not depressed either. I have been thinking about what the Dalai Lama says about happiness in his book (which I have on CD) "The Art of Happiness," and how happiness, at least as far as the way most of us define it anyway, is fleeting, and impermanent. Therefore, if that is what I spend all of my time seeking, I am bound to have periods when I am down, because it seems like I will nevr find that which I seek - or if I do, I will only lose it again at some time.
Instead, what I am going to start working on is just not being, or getting, depressed. It's not so much that I want to be happy all the time, because not only is that basically impossible, if I was, it would signal some type of emotional imbalance and lack of empathy - neither of which is attractive to me. No, what I am seeking instead is a way of thinking and being that allows me to stay out of the pit of depression that I sink into so often. Instead of trying to build a "stairway to heave", to happiness as it were, I am going to spend my time working on a safety harness to keep me out of the pit. It is a shift in thinking, a shift in focus, and I am thinking that at this point in my life, that may be exactly what I need - especially considering the fact that I am still feeling a little down, even after a weekend filled with friends and nice gestures.
The book that Diana lent me, "The Enneagram of Liberation," is very, very good, and I am getting a lot out of it. It seems that is the primary focus of that book too, in a roundabout way : it's not about figuring out how to be happy; it's about recognizing our character fixations so we can learn to loosen the grip they have on us, and allow our True selves to shine through the veils of our egos. Which is all just a fancy way to say to get over ourselves, and stop taking everything - including the things we think and feel - so personally. I am really liking the book.
And I am going to pick up that other one I mentioned in my last post as well, and start it just as soon as I am done with the one I am reading. I have spent most of my life fighting this depression, and just like the classic poem says, I will "not go quietly" into that dark night of the soul. I am going to keep struggling to gain freedom from my inner tormentor and won't rest until I do. At the very leat, I will have the comfort of knowing that I am not just wallowing in self-pity, thinking I somehow "deserve" to feel this way - because I don't. No one does.
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