Gone for awhile, but back again

It has been quite some time since I have really struggled with any real depression, but over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling that familiar old sensation of being stuck in the quagmire again. Turns out that even though being a business analyst is my dream job, and I really like working at GCU, the personality and behavior of the other BA on our team (Jay) has presented me with some real challenges. And normally, at least considering what 'normal' has been for the last year or two, that wouldn't be a big thing. But it has come to my attention that I have not been paying enough attention to, or spending enough time on my spiritual health, and as a result, I am really feeling the effects.

I have not been meditating at all for at least 3 or 4 months now, and I used to do it twice a day, most every day. I have been going to only one AA meeting a week, on Mondays, when I used to go every Friday as well. And I have not been posting to this blog at all, journaling - I have been telling myself  "I don't feel like doing that" stories. And I had not seen Diana for a one-on-one appt in a long time - I am thinking 2 or 3 months at least. All of this adds up to a recipe for depression for me. Oh, and I forgot another biggie - I have not been working out since moving to Mesa 2 weeks ago. That is HUGE, I know, because my depression really started subsiding when I started working out a couple of years ago.

Well, I took care of one of those things this morning after going home depressed yesterday after a misunderstanding with Debbie, and her suggesting it - that I go see Diana. So I scheduled an appt for 8am this morning. Also, I got online and found a couple of different Friday night AA meetings in Mesa, and I am going to hit one this Friday. As far as meditation, I am going to start doing that again too, even if only for 3 minutes at a time to start. I keep telling myself "I don't want to take the time" stories, thinking it will take too long. So if I start small, I can move up from there. As far as working out, I am considering getting some home gym equipment with income tax instead of another gym membership. There are only 2 gyms conveniently close to where I am living now, and I don't really dig either one too much. Not only that, but because of the time it takes me to commute now, I really don't want to spend that much extra time away from home each night, leaving Tessi alone.

So I have a plan to get back on track, and I am going to do just that. I am not sure how I got so off track (well yeah, I kinda' am - the move was a big part of it, but not all), but that is not as important as getting back on track. I just need to do it. And I am - starting today, with this post. My frame of mind has been hard on my relationship with Debbie too, and with the wedding coming in June, I want to be in as good a place as possible - not all twisted up in depression.

I am grateful for all the tools and gifts I have been given. I am grateful to be alive and sober. And I am grateful to be humble enough to admit that I need some help and willing enough to do what I can to get that help - some from others, and a whole lot from my Higher Power. Thanks to that HP and all those in my life who love and support me. Thanks to those who challenge me as well. And thanks to my self - that thing I call "me" that has persevered through this life, risen to many challenges, and been willing to improve, and work for that improvement time and time again. Here we go again - but this time, we're going up again.

(NOT) screwing up - yayyy!

Yes, it's true - for once, I am not screwing up in the beginning phases of a possible relationship - woo hoo! Lol. Updating since my last post - I did meet Debbie, this last Sunday at the Starbucks at AZ Mills. Turns out she likes coffee too (thank goodness - finally a woman who does!) so we set to meet there at 10am. I got there before she did, and when I first glanced her, I thought she might be a little bigger than I had imagined too. But as she got closer, I saw that wasn't the case. In reality, she was very pretty, petite, and had... well, let's just say that as far as some of my favorite things on a woman go, she is VERY well-endowed! Lol. So physically speaking, she was a definite win.

Then we started visiting, and it quicly became clear that here is a woman who is not only beautiful (love her eyes, so sparkly and bright.. and she looks so young! I could not see one wrinkle on her face - amazing) but extremely polite, thoughtful, and intelligent. She seemed very nervous, as I noticed her hands were trembling a bit, which I found very endearing; to me, it showed that she was not overly-confident or arrogant, and that she probably liked me, thought I was cute. She also spoke very deliberately, thought about what she was going to say before she said it. I could see that she was a total sweetheart.

On top of that, we seemed to have almost identical views on parenting and several other subjects. When we would talk about our experiences, it was almost as if we had lived parallel lives - for almost every one that one of us brought up, the other had either had the same type of experience or could totally relate. It was really, really cool, and she mentioned in an email from last night that she thought of pinching herself several times Sunday because it just seemed so unreal. She wasn't the only one!

After drinking our coffee, we decided to walk around the mall a bit. I love the fact that she is petite - probably about 5'3" - and that she has a great sense of style. I felt grateful to be walking with such a pretty, classy, nice woman. We stopped off in a rock and mineral store and browsed around for awhile. She found a really cute little pig necklace that I ended up getting for Tessi for Christmas (or her birthday) and I found a cool black skull one for Galen. We had a nice time just walking through the store looking at stuff - it was very comfortable and natural.

Afterwards, I asked if she would like to get lunch (it was about 12:30pm), but she said she had plans to get together with her daughter. She made very clear though that she would love to if she hadn't had plans. I liked the way she looked into my eyes with intent when she said it too - I truly believed that she did want to stay. I walked her out to her car (wasn't going to walk her all the way because I didn't want her to feel pressured, but she subtly led me there) and gave her a nice hug goodbye. At that time, I felt just how well-endowed she was, and I must say, she is! Part of me wondered if they are real or not, as they felt pretty firm. But in reality, it doesn't matter one bit. She is beautiful and so sweet - it wouldn't matter if she was totally flat. But it is absolutely a bonus that she has wonderful, large breasts.

In fact, when it comes down to it, as far as the physical things attributes go, she is my "perfect woman" - moreso than any other I have ever met (even including Barbara) : she has no facial hair at all that I can see, is petite, has nice hands (small) and fingers,  has large, full breasts, dresses fashionably, has nice hair - I mean, the only thing I haven't seen yet that is kind of a "thing" for me is her feet. Now, if those are nice, then she truly is my dream woman, and I will have to really pour on the woo'ing, because I will just HAVE to marry this woman! Lol. And that is because her personality is so awesome - really. She is so sweet, writes so well, has a beautiful smile, seems very humble, really is a total sweetheart.

So we will see what happens. We are meeting again tomorrow night at the Borders at Biltmore (oh yeah, she loves books and loves to read too -yet another plus) for our second meeting. I am wondering just how I am going to contain myself and the fact that I like her so much. I think she feels the same about me, I just want to be careful not to go too fast. Like the title of this post - I have not been screwing up yet, and I don't want to start. This is a woman I am totally willing to reign myself in for; one that I am willing to take my time with; one that I really want to be careful with and not scare away with overt neediness or unrealistic expectations.

Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up too much either. I know what has happened in the past with that - Barbara being a great example - and I definitely don't want to put myself in a situation to experience that kind of disappointment again. That does not mean that I'm not hopeful though, because I am - very much so. In fact, I saw a falling star on the way to work this morning for the first time in a very long time. And I made a wish. We'll see if it comes true or not : )

Cynicism - the (new) American pasttime

I was going to post this on my 'humorous' site, "The Numbsung Hero," but after thinking about it, realized it' not really that funny. In fact, it is more sad than anything else. I have noticed lately that any time I send an email out about some new proposal or some new idea that is being tossed around, almost everyone comes back with some form of negative response, basically something like, "oh, that will never happen." The latest example was an email I sent out about a gov't study being funded to determine the feasibility of developing a bullet train between Las Vegas and Phoenix. I thought this was kind of exciting, and something worth checking out.

But instead of excitement, most of the replies I got were things like I wrote above - it will never happen, not in our lifetime, blah blah blah. At first, I wanted to get angry at "those" people, and stand in righteous judgment saying "THEY are so cynical and negative - how dare they!" But then I started thinking about my views on politics... on the nature of manangement at my company, and in America in general... about the division of wealth between the poorest and the richest. And suddenly, I realized that what really irks me about all these people is that they reflect a part of me that I don't like - that part that is so cynical and jaded that it sees no hope of change - ever. Looking at this, I wonder I many people think that I am one of those negative, cynical people they would rather not talk or listen to about certain things.

I think this is one of the clearest examples I have ever experienced in my own life of that principle that basically says "you spot it, you got it;" that those things we see in others that really irrirate us are those things in ourselves that we don't like. Knowing that, I think I am going to make a concentrated effort to not be cynical anymore - or at least not outwardly. I don't want to foster hopelessness, even if that is what I am thinking about something inside. I want to be someone who sees the positive, and who believes that there is always hope, and who speaks and acts in a manner that demonstrates that. That's who I want to be.

So from today forward, I pledge to make a conscious effort to be more positive about every subject - even those that I have viewed so negatively for so long, like politics. And I can practice the old practice of not saying anything unless I have something nice to say. Maybe I can't change the entire world; maybe I can't stop hunger, war, or hatred; maybe I can't change the way politics are practiced. But what I can do is change the way I present myself to the world and the energy I exude. Yep, that I can do. And I am going to, starting right now : )

A break in the clouds

Last night I had a session with Diana, and it provided me with some much needed time to reprogram my self-talk, destress, and get back on some kind of positive track. When I got to her office at 7:50pm, I was a total mess. Just before I left home, Galen had snuck out and left a message saying he would be back to watch Tess. I got extremely upset, thinking that he had left to intentionally stress me out. And of course, I have already been majorly stressed out from his behavior and poor attendance/performance at school. Adding to my frustration was the fact that I had gone into work early so I could leave early and take him to his first counselling appt (which went very well, btw). So there was a thought (almost said feeling - getting back to the ABC's - more about that in a minute) of "I go out of my way to take him to his appt, but he can't stick around to watch Tessi for mine". Of course, anger followed that thought.

And that, right there, is the root of the issues I am facing, and indeed, the root of most of my anger, depression and misery : the thoughts I have, the stories I tell myself about situations, and the resulting feelings that those thoughts generate. Some time ago in my work with Diana, I did some work with the ABC's of emotions - work that was specifically targeted to address this very issue - jumping to an emotional response without even 'seeing', or being aware of the thoughts I was having/stories I was telling myself about the event(s).

So last night, Diana encouraged me to start doing my ABC's again, and I am going to do just that. She has caught me several times lately, and I have caught myself, saying "I feel like I am not appreciated, I feel like no one cares, I feel.....", when in reality, the truth is "I think that I am not appreciated, I think that no one cares," and those thoughts then create emotions. I have been falling back into my old behavior of just mislabelling thoughts as emotions and skipping the critical link between them. And that is where I can actually take some action to counteract the negative emotions - by looking at those thoughts/stories, and determining whether or not they are true/rational, and then, if they are irrational, replacing them with rational ones : rational emotive behavioral therapy at it's finest.

And so I am breaking out my ABC worksheets and going to get back to it tonight. Honestly, part of me really doesn't want to - just seems like more 'work' to do. Then again, another part of me is somewhat fascinated with the science of it all, and interested to "experiment" on myself to see what happens. I am definitely a challenging case if ever there was one. And though I get extremely depressed at times, and just want to give up, to throw in the towel, or worse yet, to just die - I always seem to come to the surface again to take another gasp of air and keep swimming. And as long as that keeps happening, I will keep trying to do something to stop the cycle of self abuse. That is what I am calling it now, because at this point, there is no one abusing me - no one outside of myself. It is the 'internal abuser' I need to focus on healing and reprogramming, and so that is what I am doing. I have to keep trying - what else is there?

Great Meditations

I have been meaning to record some of the awesome meditations, or at least the visualizations I have used for them, for the last week or so. Of course, with what has been going on, that kind of went to the wayside. But I had another really awesome one this morning, so I want to record them for future posterity, as I seem to have hit on something that really resonates deeply with me.

The initial meditation I had about 4 or 5 days ago started with a motif I have been using alot, especially with the "rain and chimes" deep meditation CD I have : I envision sitting on the shores of a beautiful lake in the woods, with the gentle rain falling on it. I started extending the vision a bit to include a stream emptying gently into the lake. Then, the other day, I made some inner cognition of the stream as a literal "stream of consciousness", flowing from the ocean of Mind, and the lake as my individual consciousness being fed by that of the Universal Consciousness. It was very powerful indeed.

This morning, I was having that same kind of meditation, and had Kwan Yin enter it, pouring out her jar of healing water in the lake of my consciousness, calming its waters and soothing my mind and spirit. It was another awesome meditation, and I am really enjoying this new direction in which my meditation is going. I was having some trouble getting into deep states of samadhi, but since this imagery has come, I have been getting there more often, and gotten to even deeper levels than I had before.

So I will continue along the path. I was thinking this morning that one of the things I, and actually some other people, have noticed recently is how excellent my memory is getting, particularly when associated with remembering people's names, like at meetings and such. Where I used to have a hard time remembering peoples names, often times at meetings now, I can hear 3 or 4 peoples names, and I instantly memorize them, completely without effort. I even had a girl mention something about it last week when I went up to her and her friend after a meeting and called them both by name. She was somewhat amazed, saying "wow! You remembered that? Good memory!" I explained to her jokingly that my memory was only that way for women. But in reality, it has been getting that way for everyone. I am thinking it might just be associated with the meditation, but can't say for sure. I know my memory is getting better though, and that is pretty cool. And given just how enjoyable the meditation has become, I would keep doing it even if there were no visible or concrete benefits, if only to allow my mind that time to truly relax. It truly is a gift, and wonderful.

A real bugger

Man, depression can be a real bugger sometimes. Even with all the great stuff that happened this weekend - the friends, the invites, the convos, the treating - I still am feeling a bit down today. Of course it doesn't help that I just checked out Kristina's blog, and she has pics posted of the family trip to Sedona, with her and Marsh and Q, Mike and Teri, Mikey and his new fiance' Tina, Bill and Linda - everyone AND someone else. See a recurring them there? Yeah, nothing like rubbing it in my own face. I swear, someday I am going to be able to view that blog with something other than envy and despair.

I have been doing a little scanning on the net - Amazon.com to be exact - for some books on loneliness, seeing if perhaps there were some out there that address this topic in a manner that might offer some healing for a heart like mine. I found a couple of good ones, one called "Positive Solitude", and another one that I have decided to get immediately (in fact I am stopping by a used bookstore on the way home to see if they have a copy) called "Healing Your Aloneness - Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child". From the excerpts I have read, it sounds like just what the doctor ordered, and perfeclty describes much of what I am feeling inside.

I am seeing clearly that I have to really get to the root of this inner loneliness - and that's what it really is, a crippling, cold loneliness - and attack it at it's core so I can learn to find that true, deep happiness - or at least lack of despair - that will release me from the burden of pain and shame that I carry inside. I have had periods this year where I have been ok with being single, and some of these periods have actually lasted for more than just a day, or even a week or 2. So that is progress for me, and I am very grateful for that. I know now that it is possible. I only need to learn to sustain those feelings for even longer, and perhaps even heal those wounds deep inside that cause the pain.

And that is what I am trying to accomplish in getting this new book, as well as reading the book that Diana sent home with me, a very good one called "The Enneagram of Liberation..." and some subtitle about freeing ourselves from fixations. I have read about 20 pages of it so far, and it is excellent. I am going to continue reading it, and then when I am finished, start this other book, which I will hopefully find a used copy of tonight. And if not tonight, then I will probably swing by Bookman's sometime this week to see if they have it.

So, even though the depression is once again nagging, and clinging on to me, refusing to just go away quickly or easily, at least I am taking conscious action to do whatever I can to address, counteract, and maybe even overcome it. I am not just curling up in a ball with the covers over my head and isolating from everyone. I am remaining active and engaged, and participating in my own recovery. And I must remember that if that is the best I can do, that is pretty darned good. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is no indication of some fault of mine that I have not gotten over it just yet. It is just an experience that I am having, a challenge I am facing and an opportunity for self-growth that I am facing. It is not me, and it is not what defines me. In truth, I am whole, I am complete and at peace with all that is. I am just working to remember that at a soul level, and forget all that "good stuff" I pciked up along the way.

Big Weekend

This weekend was a big weekend : Patricia and I stayed at the Hyatt off of I-17 and spent the night together for the first time. We finally got to explore our passionate desires to their logical ends, and it was a very pleasant experience indeed. I had a very nice time with her, and I am very pleased at just how easy it is to be around her and how calm and relaxed I feel with her. The sex was good too, and I am fairly certain she enjoyed it quite a bit as well! Lol.

It is interesting though, just how different this relationship is and how it is progressing in comparison to every other one I have ever had. Although I do find her attractive, and there is some great chemistry between us, I am not completely "ga ga" for her as I have been with other women, even as recently as Michelle. And while there is a part of me that thinks maybe I'm just not as attracted to her as much physically as I was to those other women - and some part of that may be true - I would like to think also that maybe I have learned something from all of my other experiences, to take things slow, and to keep some reigns on my runaway heart to avoid some of the heartache and frustrations that I have experienced in so many other dating relationships.

Another interesting aspect of all this is my overall view of the relationship. In the past, when dating a woman, I would always find myself thinking "what if I find some PERFECT woman now? Someone who is just drop-dead gorgeous, nice, rich, etc... and she likes me? I won't be able to do anything - I will miss out on the 'big one'!" But now I finally realize that we are dating - that's it. We are not married, I have - for ONCE - not made any overt declarations of love, I have not made any unrealistic commitments - none of that. So, IF something did happen like I described, and some perfect woman came along, I would not have to miss out - I am not trapped. I will say that Pattie did mention something about us being boyfriend and girlfriend, and I agreed that, at this point, we are.

I think that, for me, all of this is evidence of some real growth and healthy relationship behaviors. I do find myself thinking back to Tina, and how I sometimes miss her body (Pattie is just a wee bit heavy - not extremely, but not in as good a shape as Tina was - which is very ironic, considering how much I used to bug Tina about her weight! Insanity for sure...), but then I remember all of the other stuff - the personality conflicts, and it causes me to rethink my position, and stop glorifying the stuff with Tina. And to her great credit, Pattie has made mention herself to the fact that she doesn't like the way she looks in the mirror, and said that she is going to join a gym to get into shape. So who knows - she may end up being even hotter than Tina in the end.

The great thing is that I am able to enjoy being with her now though, and was even able to enjoy being intimate even though she doesn't fit into the mold of what I consider to be a "hot body." She is very sensual though, and definitely knows how to turn me on. She also looks suprisingly good from some specific "viewpoints," and I had no real trouble 'getting there.' And for me, that is a pretty good indicator of how much REAL chemistry there is. I go back to times with Marci, and even times with Tina, when I had a little trouble getting there. In fact with Tina, the best sex we ever had was makeup sex. I laugh whenever I hear that term used in music or popular culture now, especially when referring to it being the best kind, cuz I've been there! Lol!

So I am taking this new relationship with Pattie just like the Program - one day at a time. She is sweet, funny, intelligent and fun to be around, and I am going to enjoy that without concern of "what if" or "what will they think." I am going to let things go where they may, keeping in mind to take it slow and not rush, or otherwise sabotage things. I have faith that things will work out exactly as they are supposed to if I do these things. Because in reality, it can be no other way anyway : )

Flip flopping, and the chameleon like nature of my attraction

With a title like that, this just has to be good, right? Lol! Ok, so I met Patricia yesterday at Jamba Juice. She was wearing a nice dress, but when I first saw her in it, I did not find it, or her, very attractive. I think it had a lot to do with the way the dress was designed : it had these ruffles that stuck out right at the hips, which made her hips look very wide. Now, she is a little wide anyway, and those features served to unnecessarily accent something that might have been better to play down. I think my initial reaction had something to do with the fact that the convo was at first rather stilted.

But, as always seems to happen with her, just like a chameleon, as we continued talking, and I got her to lighten up and laugh a bit, her appearance literally seemed to change in front of my eyes. She got prettier. Her figure looked better. I was more attracted to her. And before we parted, we got together for another "truck makeout session," and it was hot as ever! For as much as I am little turned off by the width of her thighs and midesction, I am even more turned on by her breasts, her great calves, and nice feet (at least as far as they look in the hot heels she was wearing). So, as the title says, my opinion of her appearance flip-flops between hot and not-so-hot. It's really weird.

As I sit here thinking about it, I really think it goes back to some of what I was talking about in my other posts, particularly as far as what "other people" think when they see her, or see us together. She mentioned that she turned some heads at work, and I have no doub tthat she did/does. But there is that little part of me - the "appearance gremlin", as Diana would call it - that tells me that they aren't really looking at her because she is hot, they are just looking at her hooters. And I get scared, fearful that I will be seen as "less than" because she is not some smoking hot swimsuit model - or at least not in my distorted perception.

So now, I am sitting here doing a little thought exercise : I am examining my thoughts to see what I think of guys who I see with women who are not "swimsuit models," if I think anything less of them at all. And you know what? To be honest, I don't really think anything about a guy when I see him with a woman, no matter what she looks like. In fact, I tend to have a more positive view of men whom I see with average women than I do of men with gorgeous women for the simple fact that I think they are more genuine, more loving and accepting. And the men who are with the "models" I see as more shallow and materialistic, even if they aren't really that way!

So what is it that I am worried about? I am wondering if it isn't what the WOMEN who see us together are thinking...? I think I am afraid of being judged by them; of them snickering under their breath, possibly making fun of Patricia because she isn't "bikini model" material, esp. knowing how most women are like that. But then, if I really think about it, wouldn't it be even WORSE if she was some model type? I mean, if they weren't threatened by her, they probably wouldn't bother ranking on her. And, important to note here, that this ALL goes back to my distorted perception of physical appearance, especially as far as women I am intereste in goes. Lord knows, I have had issues with that!

I thought back to dating Marcy, and there was a woman who was skinny as could be. She had a great butt, was very skinny, and generally attractive. And did I feel any better about being with her? not really - maybe just a little less concerned about what other people thought. But only as far as physical stuff went, because it was her personality that made me totally self-conscious with her. And, something else I was thinking about, the sex with Marcy wasn't good - not at all. So the whole "skinny" thing did not translate into physical pleasure or compatibility at all. This is all stuff I need to remember - stuff that I tend to forget when the "appearance gremlin" starts opening his foul little piehole!!! Lol!

I am glad that I am at least able to see this stuff today. I have a ways to go to fully recover from the negative effects of it, but at least I am not letting it control my every thought and action today. And that my friends, is an absolute blessing - and miracle. For that, and so much more, I am eternally grateful. God is good : )

The Beast of Materialism

Rather than start off with a recap of the weekend, which was very nice, I want to share a little bit about what is going on in my head this morning - hence the title of this post. Things have been going very well with Pattie - she is sweet, cute, polite, intelligent, well-groomed - she really is a great match for me. Yet this morning, I find myself asking the familiar old question : "What if I find someone hotter?" I think what spurred it was dropping Tessi off at her friend Genesys' house. Gen's mom is very cute, and sometimes when I see her, I wonder 'why couldn't I attract someone like that?' Or maybe more appropriately, 'could I attract someone like that?' And this usually begins a spiral of going back through the women I've dated, and "checking" to see if any of them were actually 'gorgeous' or not.

Now, I'm not really sure why that is important - I am thinking that there is some part inside of me that needs to know that I too have dated gorgeous women. It almost feels like a competitive thing, like I need the other males to know that I am not "less than" simply because the women I date, or have dated, aren't as hot as the ones they have/are. It can become obsessive, to the point that I can't stop thinking and wondering about it. Fortunately, this time, that doesn't seem to be the case. The "Beast of Materialism" seems to be caged pretty well.

And so I find myself thinking about Pattie, and how sweet she is, and I wonder if I can finally get past this hangup I have about physical beauty. It's not like she isn't pretty, because she is. She is curvy, but not what I would consider "fat" by any standards. As I said, she is very well groomed, and always smells and looks nice. She is funny, thoughtful and communicative. So she really is all the things I have wanted in a partner. In fact, as I write this, I find myself more at ease, and can sense the beast retreating somewhat.

I try to remind myself also that we are not married or anything. We have just started dating, and if by some miracle Sarah Silverman (I have a big crush on her! Lol) were to come up and say "I must have you!" I would still be free and able to engage her desire! Ha ha! So there is no need to even get all worked up really. I can simply take my time, be patient, not move too quickly, and let things develop - imagine that!!! I don't need to rush into - or for that matter, away from - anything. I can just enjoy this dating phase. Lord knows, she is fun to go out with, so why wreck it with a bunch of serious stuff off the bat? I can make a different choice today. I can soothe the savage beast with the music of patience and take it slow and easy today... Thank God for the gift of learning :)

Self-discovery, communication, and a little insanity

Ok, so the title of this post might be a weeeee bit overly dramatic, but I was trying to think of a way to sum up all the things that I am experiencing right now, and that seemed to be the best summation (actually, I originally had "general insanity" and changed it to "a little" so soften it! Lol). So I made it through the entire day yesterday without texting, emailing or calling Dana - that's good, right? Yes, it is. What was not so good, or at least not so comfortable, was just how STRONG the urge was to contact her, and the silly places my head went because she hadn't contacted me.

This morning I texted her and asked if we were still on for meeting tonight at 6pm, to which she basically said "yes", but could we make it 6:30, to which I said yes, to which she said "Great!" Now I was taken aback by this, because I was certain she had blown me off or otherwise forsaken me, because my expectations of communication are what they are. And I am starting to think, in fact I am fairly certain, that my "expectations" for communication frequency are out of touch with reality, and causing me much grief. I mean, when I look back at my last 3 relationships (although the time with Michelle was pretty brief to actually be called a relationship), that one issue was basically the direct cause, or the main instigator of each of my decisions to cut things off - with Tina, with Michelle, with Ty, and almost to Dana now.

But thank goodness for self-awareness, and the seemingly newfound ability I have to actually observe my thoughts, study them, and then determine whether or not it would be in my, or another's best interest to act on them. I have caught myself several times lately - several times a day - catching myself thinking of doing something, and saying to myself, 'wait - I don't think that's really such a good idea - what is it going to accomplish?' What really blows me away is HOW MANY of those types of thoughts I have! And the crazy frequency at which they come.

For example, in this situation with Dana - I thought about sending her a text saying something like "I wasn't sure if you still wanted to see me cuz I haven't heard from you." So I thought about that - what would it accomplish? Well, if she had been busy with work, or family or something, she might have thought 'what gives? I was busy. Is this guy totally codependent or what?' Or she might have wondered why I would think that she doesn't want to see me simply because of that, that I must be extremely insecure. Or her communication style might be of the old fashioned variety, that the guy initiates contact, in which case she might think, 'wait - you didn't contact me, so what are you saying here?' The common thread here is that none of these is a good outcome, so it was not in my, or her best interest to send something like that. So I didn't. And that fact alone is HUGE progress for me! I actually stopped myself, looked at the thoughts, did not just act on them, but studied them, and then made a conscious decision to NOT act on them. Wow....

You know, I'm not sure if it is the morning meditation that has helped usher this new awareness in, the counselling, the Program, or a combination of all (the most likely possibility), but I am enthralled by the mere concept of it, and blown away by the fact that I am actually able to do this now. I really have never known just how crazy some of my thoughts were, and how completely the ruled, and in many cases ruined, the opportunities that presented themselves in my life. How many relationships did I sabotage/destroy/walk away from because of thoughts like those I described? How many people did I estrange from me because of crazy thoughts? How much mental and psychological pain did I inflict upon myself? It really, totally and completely blows me away. It is like I am awake for the first time in my life - it sends chills down my spine.

So now of course, the question is, can I keep it up, and can I learn to change those thoughts? I am learning how to see them for what they are, and to stop myself from acting on them - the next step is to change the actual thoughts themselves, and the base ideas about life and myself that they spring from. As recently as 2 or 3 months ago, I would have seriously doubted - in fact I did seriously doubt - that I could ever change some of those thoughts, let alone heal those places inside from which they come. But this newfound awareness and ability has re-invigorated me, and filled me with an energy, hope and faith that I have not felt in a very long time. I am extremely grateful to be who I am, where I am, when I am, and grateful for that awareness that surpasses anything I have ever known. Thank you God!