Communication - tricky this week

This has been one of those weeks where it seems like Debbie and I just can't seem to communicate in a smooth, effortless fashion like we so often do. It has been a week filled with misunderstandings, confused thoughts and icky feelings. And considering the fact that yesterday was her birthday, the timing couldn't have been much worse. But let's start at the start.

Monday night I called her before bed as I do most every night we don't see each other in person. We talked for awhile, and although the conversation at times seemed a little stilted because Kyrsten was bugging her a bit, I thought it went fairly well. After about 15 minutes, it seemed like Kyrsten was getting increasingly needy, and being that it was almost 9:15pm, I figured Deb would be putting her to bed soon. So I told her that we could go ahead and wrap up, that she would probably need to attend to Kyrsten. She seemed to get a little upset at that, and proceeded to hastily say goodbye and basically click me off. Yyyyeaahhh...

I didn't think too much of it - thought she was probably a little stressed with Kyrsten bugging her as she was trying to talk, and chalked it up to her being frustrated. I later texted her "good night" and got back a pretty brief response from her. I thought she might have been stressed, so I texted something about hoping she didn't have too tough an evening. I didn't hear anything back, but sent another one saying something like 'hope all is ok - sleep well'. Again, didn't hear anything back. I didn't think too much of it, but it was a little off-putting.

Tuesday was her birthday, and I started off by sending her a text early, like around 6:30 or so, saying Happy Birthday. She replied, about an hour later, but it was a little short. We then IM'd back and forth,but things just didn't seem "right". So I told her maybe it would be good if we talked. We did, and she ended up telling me that she had told herself stories Monday night that I didn't want to talk to her - didn't want to hear what she had to say, and didn't care. That's why she basically clicked me off - she was upset with me. Of course, that is not what I meant to convey at all, but that's what she thought. I explained that wasn't what I meant to convey, apologized for my part in it, we said "I love you's," and all was well. Or so I thought.

As we continued to IM yesterday morning, it seemed as if there was a general tone of 'meanness' to some of her messages - one that culminated in her saying that she too "preferred blondes" after I made a reference to that old Farrah Fawcett poster from the 70's. This time, it was me who got butt hurt, and I let her know. We eneded up talking again later (I think - or maybe we just IM'd), and she told me that she hadn't meant it to be that way, that she was truly joking. I really thought that maybe she was still a little mad at me, even if only sub-consciously, but she swore she wasn't, and we decided mutually to "start the day over".

That worked well, we met for coffee at Starbucks last night and had a nice long talk about everything. We agreed that we would both work on improving communication as best we could and that we would re-double our efforts to not keep anything from each other. Although there were some rather tense moments, it all worked out well, and I came away feeling we had strengthened our relationship. Until this morning.

So today, I texted her first thing this morning, as always, and said my "good morning". She texted back - we were off to a great start. I got on gmail and expected to see her pop up on chat around 9, like usual. When she didn't by 9:15, I sent her a text asking where oh where she could be. I didn't hear anything back by 9:30, so I texted her again. I still didn't hear anything back, so I finally called her around 9:45 asking if she was ok. She was - it it turned out her computer had issues this morning and she wasn't able to get on the Internet. I of course wanted to know why she didn't respond to my texts, and apparently, her inbox on her phone was full, preventing her from texting. She explained that all, and I started feeling pretty bad about myself. It seems that, once again, the old spectre of "false communication expectations" that has been haunting me for the last several years is back. Once again, I find myself upset about something that is really nothing at all to be upset about : it is merely a manifestation of my completely distorted and unrealistic expectations. And so, I am bumming, because I am SICK of this popping up all the time.

I recognized my part in it, apologized profusely, and am now feeling pretty down. Of course, I am not happy about the fact that it is I who has the problem here either. Yes, I know logically that I am "in the wrong". Diana has told me as much many times. But it still pisses me off and depresses me somewhat. My ego gets involved, and I don't WANT to be the one who is in the wrong, AGAIN. But, then again, I don't want to be in the right either, because then she gets upset with and down on herself, and I feel responsible. It is such a double-edged sword. Man, relationships are so tricky. And even though this is, by FAR, the best I've ever had, it is still extrmely tricky. I know that I can be overly-sensitive, and it has been my experience that she can too. The combination of both can be quite the minefield to walk through.

Thank goodness, I have an appt with Diana tomorrow night. The timing simply could not be better, as I am thinking I really need another "mental tuneup," esp as far as my communication issues go. It's funny just how often the appointments with her just happen to fall during times when they are SO needed. And not by plan or anything - purely coincidentally. Either that, or it's just that I am that needy, and no matter when they fall, I would need it. Ugh. That's the one thing I really don't like about it - that I KEEP needing it. Maybe I am perma-fucked in the head. Seems that way sometimes. Even Diana mentioned something about how therapy should be seen as something that has an endpoint. I guess for me, that's death.

Oh well. I guess it could be worse. I could be getting high still and causing even more wreckage than I am sober - which, thankfully, doesn't seem to be that much. Of course, I am extremely hard on and critical of myself, and that doesn't help. I need to remember to talk to Diana about that too - the fact that I feel bad about having to keep going to see her. Seems like she had told me something awhile back about it being ok to keep seeing someone - but obviously I need to hear it again.

I'm tired, and planning on heading home and going straight to bed. I think I am over-tired and that is contributing to the way I am feeling. Hopefully, a good night of sleep and I will be clearer mentally. That, combined with an appointment with Diana tomorrow night ought to be some good medicine. Then, maybe Deb and I can get back in synch. This week has been a bit painful, and now that I am sober, I don't like pain so much.

A true case of "the Mondays"

Wow - what to say about this weekend; yesterday primarily. It started out wonderfully - Debbie and I laying in her bed snuggling for a long time. It was so comfortable and warm. Then we took a shower and got ready for the day. At about 11am, Fred came over to pick up Kyrsten. He and Debbie were talking, and he mentioned that he was taking his mom out to Souper Salad. Debbie asked him if he had a coupon, that she had seen one for a free meal, or buy one get one free or something. He said he didn't, and she kept asking if he wanted to get on the computer to see if he could find it, if he wanted her to look around, if he could find it on his phone, etc. It was all innocent enough in reality. But in the unreality of my head, it wasn't cool that she was going so overboard to try to help him get that coupon. I felt a little "left out," so I retreated to her room to surf the net (and pout). I got even more upset when I heard her ask if he wanted to go in and use the computer, thinking "Is she really going to kick me off so he can come use it?" How dare she! Doesn't she know who I am? (I was going to 'lol' that, but I am still reeling from yesterday a bit - not that part either - so it's a little too soon still).

So after Fred left, I was a little butt hurt. We talked about it for a little bit, and although I was still stinging, I told her I wanted Mother's Day to be nice for her, so I still wanted to go out to breakfast. We loaded Kyrsten up (Emilee didn't want to go) and headed to The Good Egg. For the first little while we were there, I was still a little cold, and I could tell it was affecting her. The waiter was a little high strung and pressured her while ordering, and she got really upset, started to shut down. I decided to ease up and told her about the concept of 'starting the day over' in AA, and suggested that we do so. She agreed that it sounded like a good idea, and so we did that.

Things seem to be going much better after that. We decided to stop in at Old Navy and get Kysrten some flip flops so she didn't have to wear her shoes constantly. She seemed to like them, and we headed off to Wal Mart. That ended up being pretty traumatic as well, because Kyrsten threw a bit of a fit in the toy dept, and from there all the way to the car (which was a LONG walk in that Wal Mart) she kept losing her flip flops, making a big deal of it, crying, refusing to let us take them off so she could walk barefoot, refusing to let Debbie carry her, etc. We finally did manage to get out of there, and I thought that we were still doing well.

Later, I ran home to get some more clothes, as I had planned on staying another night (Sunday night) because Tessi was going to stay at Carrie's. When I got back to Debbie's, Megan, Mike and Evan were there. To my pleasant surprise, things went very well, and Megan, Debbie and I had some nice conversation. I even played with Evan for a little while, and Mike managed to not really say anything. I was really happy that it went so well, and thought Debbie probably was too. And, she probably was -

right up until I asked her something - something I honestly did not mean in any hurtful or critcizing way : I asked her why she didn't wear regular panties. She wears these undergarments that kinda's resemble spandex shorts, and I have never really dated a woman who wore them before, so I was curious. Well, it was the WRONG question to ask - she got very upset (the quiet, hurt kind of upset) and ended up saying "I wear them because I am fat and ugly." From what she said, they are to "smooth out" some areas, and that a lot of women at her work wear them. She also went on to say that she has had 4 kids, is always going to be curvy, and that maybe I needed some other woman who could wear skimpy clothes. I was pretty taken aback, as I only asked her a question. Sure, I might have thought that there were some "support" reasons she wore them- but what I really wanted to know was why she never wore regular panties. And I DEFINITELY did not ask her to hurt her.

But that ended up setting the tone for the rest of the night. We went out to El Pollo Loco, where I had to keep asking her to sit closer to me - she was sitting much farther away than normal. There was a skinny little stray dog there, and that seemed to really upset her too. I tried to be comforting about that, but it didn't seem to help. When we got back to her place, she was still quiet and distant, and I finally ended up asking her if she wanted me to leave. In some sense, she said 'yes',  because she really didn't answer, but just looked at me. I didn't want to leave because I love her and knew it would end up upsetting her even more probably. In hindsight, maybe I should have left.

We went to bed, and it was very tense. It took me awhile to get to sleep, and her too. It was a very restless night of sleep, and I am really tired today. She was still very pensive this morning, and I got to work not feeling to good about all this. We IM'd a bit awhile ago, but I was pretty cranky during it and told her as much. We might talk tonight on the phone, but I put it back on her - told her if she wanted to talk, she could call. I'm not really sure what that call will be like.

Personally, I think she has some PMS thing going on, as I have noticed that for about a week every month, communication is treacherous. I even asked last night, but she said she isn't due to start for another week or 2. I am thinking maybe she is going to start sooner than she thinks, and we can chalk it up to that. But even if that is the case, we are going to need to fugure something out - someway to deal with this on a long term basis. If we are going to live together, I can't be in the doghouse for a week every month (and maybe it's not an entire week - more like 4 or 5 days) I think it is something I am definitely going to talk to Diana about, because I just don't like drama anymore. Of course, she has even said - and is probably entirely correct - that that's what women are, that's what they do, and I am going to have to accept that. Wow - and I have to figure out how to do that sober? Lord help me!

Trust issues...?

I titled this post that way because I am not really sure how to describe the latest little situation that occurred between Debbie and I. So, I will just lay it out, and then maybe a fitting title will reveal itself. I spent the night over at her place Friday night and we had a very nice time. She came over to my place Saturday night, and again, we had a nice time. I was a little concerned that she would have to go home early again this Sunday as she so often has to when she comes over to my place, but she received a text from Megan early Sunday morning saying that they (Megan, Mike, Evan and Emilee) were all up very late and would be sleeping most of the day. In her words, she told Debbie "you are off the hook" - meaning that we 'should' have most of the day together.

We made breakfast together at my place which was really fun (French toast and bacon). Then, we took Tessi to get some new sandals (KK came along too, as she had spent the night). While we were out shopping, Deb got a call from Megan (about 1pm). From what I could hear, Megan wanted her mom to bring her some Starbucks when she came to pick Emilee up. I figured that since she was calling and asking Debbie to do that, it meant that she was expecting her to be leaving my place soon. So after we got Tesss sandals, we headed back to our place. On the way back, I told Debbie that if she had to leave to get Emilee, I totally understood, thinking that she might be upset that she had to leave as she sometimes gets.

When we got back to our place, she started packing her stuff up. I went in and asked her if she needed any help carrying stuff down to her car. I then realized that she was very cold, and pulling away as she has done several times before. I asked her what was wrong, and she did something she used to do a lot (we talked about it awhile back, and she has been better since then, after promising me she would tell me if anything was ever wrong) which was say "nothing." Of course I knew SOMETHING was up, as she wouldn't even give me a real kiss. I kept pushing for her to tell me what was wrong, but she was sticking to the 'nothing' thing.

After finishing getting her stuff ready, she hurried for the door. I said "Let me walk you down babe", to which she replied, "No, it's ok. You don't have to." Now it was very obvious that something was wrong, and I was not feeling good about it at all. So I kept pressing her as we walked down the car, basically begging her to tell me what was wrong. I mean, I just couldn't think of anything I had done. The weekend had been wonderful, all the way around. After kissing good bye - a very tight, strained kiss, nothing like normal - she hopped in her car and sped away. Again, I knew something was wrong, as she normally never leaves this way.

So a little while after she left, I texted her to ask about it. It was some time - an hour or 2 - before she finally texted me back. When she did, the answer was again something akin to "nothing". So I called her. It turned out that she wasn't really ready to leave when we got back to my place; that she wanted to stay and watch some of the movie; that she didn't need to leave to get Emilee immediately after getting home; and - this is the clincher, the root of the upset - she thought that she had 'overstayed her welcome' and that I wanted her to leave. My response to this was "WHAT??? Why in the world would you think that?" She had thought that since I was asking her if she needed any help carrying her stuff down to her car that I was basically ushering her out the door. And it didn't help that I didn't actually ask her if she had to leave, but assumed, based on past experiences.

We talked for a long while on the phone, and I reassured her that I never WANT her to leave, and that if she had told me that she didn't have to at that time, I would loved for her to have stayed. I was a little disappointed to realize that she still had some obvious doubts about the way I felt about her. To me, it seemed as though she didn't really trust how much I loved her and all the times I told her that I wanted to spend all the time with her I could. So yesterday morning after I got to work, I sent her a long email explaining all of that : how I felt about her, how her actions caused me to question her trust in me, how much I wanted to move in together, and how there were many, many considerations that needed to be tended to before that could happen, but that it didn't mean that I didn't want with all my heart for it to happen. I think it resonated with her, and she later sent me a text saying as much. All better, right? Well, not quite.

Today, Emilee's dad is in town to spend the day with Emilee to celebrate her birthday (which was a couple of weeks ago) and take her out shopping. Because he supposedly doesn't know his way around Chandler or Gilbert, he wants Debbie to spend the day with them, taking them around to the various places. Now when she first told me about this, I didn't really like the sound of it. To me, he's a grown man, and really ought to be able to find his way around a different city.But after talking it over with Debbie, and her reassuring me about it, and the wonderful times we have had over the last few weeks, I had gotten to a place of peace and acceptance about it.

Then, that situation happened Sunday, and now, that is the last thing I have to go on as far as interations between us go. And now this morning, I am again not really feeling too good about her spending the day with her ex. I guess I have some fear of some type of "you hurt me, now I'll hurt you" type of dynamic occurring. We talked on the phone last night, and she was very apologetic about the whole situation on Sunday and admitted that she needed to change some things. And although that gives me some comfort, I am still in a bit of a funk this morning. I texted her to say that I hoped she Emilee, and Emilee's dad had a nice day together - a thinly veiled jab at the fact she was going to be spending the day with him. She texted back saying that she would much rather spend the day with me. Still, I am not feeling real good about it.

What can I do? Well, I could pray about it. However, to be honest, I really don't pray much anymore. I'm not sure exactly why. I guess I think it's a little strange praying to some Higher Power about stuff, when that HP must know already what I am thinking and feeling and what it is I need. I meditate quite a bit now, and that seems to have taken the place of prayer. Maybe I am missing the boat on this one and need to bring some prayer back into my life. Maybe this is a good suibject to start with, a perfect place to re-discover prayer. I am also using my rational self analysis skills and trying to look at the situation rationally : I mean, it's not like Debbie and her ex would really do anything with Emilee around, right? And I honestly don't think Debbie is the kind of person who would do anything like that anyway, despite the fear and insecurity I am now feeling.

Just writing this and getting it out is helping a lot. One thing I have learned over the years is that it is much better to get this stuff out on paper (or bits, or whatever) than it is to let it bounce around inside my head. It may not actually heal the negative thoughts or anything, but it does help me to 'see' those thoughts, and to be able to go back over them and analyze them a bit more objectively. Oh yeah - and I just remembered - I need to BREATHE..... Yes, I need to take a deeeeeeep breathe, and realize that everything is going to be ok; that my head likes to make crises out of small things; and that Debbie is a good person and a good woman who is not going to do anything to hurt me today with her ex. These things I need to remember - these things I need to breathe in...

(NOT) screwing up - yayyy!

Yes, it's true - for once, I am not screwing up in the beginning phases of a possible relationship - woo hoo! Lol. Updating since my last post - I did meet Debbie, this last Sunday at the Starbucks at AZ Mills. Turns out she likes coffee too (thank goodness - finally a woman who does!) so we set to meet there at 10am. I got there before she did, and when I first glanced her, I thought she might be a little bigger than I had imagined too. But as she got closer, I saw that wasn't the case. In reality, she was very pretty, petite, and had... well, let's just say that as far as some of my favorite things on a woman go, she is VERY well-endowed! Lol. So physically speaking, she was a definite win.

Then we started visiting, and it quicly became clear that here is a woman who is not only beautiful (love her eyes, so sparkly and bright.. and she looks so young! I could not see one wrinkle on her face - amazing) but extremely polite, thoughtful, and intelligent. She seemed very nervous, as I noticed her hands were trembling a bit, which I found very endearing; to me, it showed that she was not overly-confident or arrogant, and that she probably liked me, thought I was cute. She also spoke very deliberately, thought about what she was going to say before she said it. I could see that she was a total sweetheart.

On top of that, we seemed to have almost identical views on parenting and several other subjects. When we would talk about our experiences, it was almost as if we had lived parallel lives - for almost every one that one of us brought up, the other had either had the same type of experience or could totally relate. It was really, really cool, and she mentioned in an email from last night that she thought of pinching herself several times Sunday because it just seemed so unreal. She wasn't the only one!

After drinking our coffee, we decided to walk around the mall a bit. I love the fact that she is petite - probably about 5'3" - and that she has a great sense of style. I felt grateful to be walking with such a pretty, classy, nice woman. We stopped off in a rock and mineral store and browsed around for awhile. She found a really cute little pig necklace that I ended up getting for Tessi for Christmas (or her birthday) and I found a cool black skull one for Galen. We had a nice time just walking through the store looking at stuff - it was very comfortable and natural.

Afterwards, I asked if she would like to get lunch (it was about 12:30pm), but she said she had plans to get together with her daughter. She made very clear though that she would love to if she hadn't had plans. I liked the way she looked into my eyes with intent when she said it too - I truly believed that she did want to stay. I walked her out to her car (wasn't going to walk her all the way because I didn't want her to feel pressured, but she subtly led me there) and gave her a nice hug goodbye. At that time, I felt just how well-endowed she was, and I must say, she is! Part of me wondered if they are real or not, as they felt pretty firm. But in reality, it doesn't matter one bit. She is beautiful and so sweet - it wouldn't matter if she was totally flat. But it is absolutely a bonus that she has wonderful, large breasts.

In fact, when it comes down to it, as far as the physical things attributes go, she is my "perfect woman" - moreso than any other I have ever met (even including Barbara) : she has no facial hair at all that I can see, is petite, has nice hands (small) and fingers,  has large, full breasts, dresses fashionably, has nice hair - I mean, the only thing I haven't seen yet that is kind of a "thing" for me is her feet. Now, if those are nice, then she truly is my dream woman, and I will have to really pour on the woo'ing, because I will just HAVE to marry this woman! Lol. And that is because her personality is so awesome - really. She is so sweet, writes so well, has a beautiful smile, seems very humble, really is a total sweetheart.

So we will see what happens. We are meeting again tomorrow night at the Borders at Biltmore (oh yeah, she loves books and loves to read too -yet another plus) for our second meeting. I am wondering just how I am going to contain myself and the fact that I like her so much. I think she feels the same about me, I just want to be careful not to go too fast. Like the title of this post - I have not been screwing up yet, and I don't want to start. This is a woman I am totally willing to reign myself in for; one that I am willing to take my time with; one that I really want to be careful with and not scare away with overt neediness or unrealistic expectations.

Of course, I don't want to get my hopes up too much either. I know what has happened in the past with that - Barbara being a great example - and I definitely don't want to put myself in a situation to experience that kind of disappointment again. That does not mean that I'm not hopeful though, because I am - very much so. In fact, I saw a falling star on the way to work this morning for the first time in a very long time. And I made a wish. We'll see if it comes true or not : )

Blah blah blah

I am sitting here feeling kind of blah. Not really feeling down or anything - just kind of blah. I was thinking that it would be cool to start up some kind of pen pal relationship with someone, but electronically. Looking back at the relationships I have had recently, I realize that is the one thing I really miss (other than the sex - at least in Tina's case anyway) : the correspondence. I really like corresponding with someone, emailing, texting... it's fun. Even moreso than talking on the phone I think.

I was actually checking Google to see what came up under "pen pals," and it appeared that there were a few sites that offer some type of pen pal connections. Most of them however seem to be targeted towards singles stuff, dating and so on. Admittedly, it would probably be more fun to engage in a correspondence with someone with whom there could be a little flirting and such. But that wouldn't necessarily have to be the case. Or maybe it would. Hell, I don't know. I am probably just as well off to keep posting here to my journal and 'talking to myself' as it were.

I was thinking today about whether or not I am going to go to Jamie's Halloween party this year, and I am kinda' thinking I won't. In fact, I really don't want to do any of the holidays this year - not without a partner, AGAIN. It gets old being "the single guy" at all these gatherings. I am hoping the kids can go to their mom's for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I can gracefully bow out of all the "celebrations." I will do what I have to to make sure the kids (or at least Tessi anyway) have a nice holiday. I just don't want to have hang out and pretend to be all happy and stuff, especially now that even Mikey is engaged. That basically leaves me and Dan as the ONLY single guys there. And at least Teri is his sister, Kristina and Mikey are his niece and nephew - it's his real family. Now that mom and I aren't even talking, I feel more like a "hanger on" than ever.

I have accepted the fact that I am single, and that there is really little I can, or want to do to change that at this time. But I don't think that means I have to keep putting myself into situations that are not comfortable for me, being single as I am. And the holidays, they are tough for me the way it is. It just makes it that much more uncomfortable being around a bunch of people who are married, thinking that my being single marks me as "the broken one" or something; or sitting there with envy because I don't have a special person. Yeah, I just don't want to be in that position this year.

I was thinking about sending Kristina an email about this today and telling her that I don't want to go this year, but I think I will wait and talk to Diana and maybe even Richard first before I do that. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't want to be entirely selfish this year. I just want to minimize the emotional pain as much as possible and try to include some activities that actually complement my being single - like maybe going to the alcothon, or some other related activities. I want to be around other single people like myself - I don't want to be around all the 'happily married', or even unhappily married people this year. It's one thing to accept my singleness, but it's another entirely to knowingly put myself in situations where that acceptance is going to tried to the limit.

A better weekend

This weekend marked the first time in quite awhile that Galen, Tessi and I have spent more than just a few minutes together on a Saturday or Sunday, and it was really nice. We all went to PV mall Saturday morning to get Galen something he wanted at Hot Topic - these 'arm warmer' type things. I have decided to stop concerning myself so much with the black nail polish and such and to focus just on his behavior and school performance. While we were there, I also got Tessi a nice little silver ring like she had been wanting - as a sort of reward for getting straight A's. So they both got a bit of a treat, and it was good to spend some time enjoying each other's company. Later that afternoon, I tool Tess over to her mom's to stay the night.

The rest of the weekend was pretty relaxing. Galen actually stayed home all weekend, which was a bit of a shocker, and actually kinda' nice. I went to bowling Saturday night and had one of those nights where I can couldn't throw the ball the same way twice. Good thing is, I still had a blast! Lol.We watched a monster movie Saturday night that I had rented. Sunday, I did a MAJOR floor cleaning in the living room, kitchen and dining room - basically all the marble tile. It looks, smells and feels SO much better now. Then I watched the Cards try to lose to Oakland unsuccessfully - they actually won somehow (more like Oakland lost it, as their kicker missed a 33 year chip shot with 2 seconds left).

All in all, it was a good weekend. I guess there is one little thing I left out, but I am not going to make too much of it. Saturday, after going to PV mall, we headed home so Galen could collect a bunch of his PS2 games that he wanted to trade in to get a new one - Prince of Persia. While we were at GameStop, a lady (Jennifer) who has a daughter (Madison) that went to Madison Christian when Tessi was there came in, and we struck up a conversation. I have always thought she was pretty and always wanted to talk to her. But I thought she was married or had  boyfriend, so I never pursued it. Saturday, I worked up enough courage to ask about that stuff a little bit. And when I found out she wasn't married and didn't have a boyfriend, I asked her if she would like to get coffee or something sometime. She said yes, and we exchanged numbers. I actually contacted her to ask about Sunday morning, but she wasn't able to make it. We are supposedly going to try again for this weekend.

There is a part of me that started to get excited, as she did seem to light up a bit (even Tessi thought so) when I asked her about getting coffee. But I have learned in my recent experiences to never assign too much meaning to anything and to never expect anything; just take it as it comes, and if it doesn't come at all, so be it - don't get all upset, just accept it and roll on. And right now, that is exactly what I am doing. I was thinking about texting her yesterday to say "hope you're having a good day," and then I decided not to. I am just not going to go after like I have before. Because, to be honest, at some level, I just don't care about that whole thing anymore - not like I used to. I would be lying to say that I don't care at all, because I do. And if I had a choice, sure, I would have a girlfriend. But I feel that I have given it the old "Harvard try" - I've given it all I had, and came out with nada. So I am ok with just not giving it much of anything for ahwile.

I am trying to focus more on friends, my kids, and the Program. I am answering the phone now - every time a friend calls. No matter if it's Todd, Luke, whoever - I answer. And I am doing a better job reaching out and staying in touch with friends like Heather, Sharon and Ty. It is these relationships that I am focusing on now - ones that will still be here 1, 2, 5 years from now. And as far as all the things I miss - the sex, the sex, and of course, the SEX! LOL! well, I will survive. And someday, I am confident that I will have sex with someone, and something other than my hand again. Even if I have to end up going to Nevada and "buying" some love one day, I will have sex again. But I am not going to go relationship hunting with that as the primary objective - not again. And so, I am focusing on friends. And today, that's ok - it really is : )

And that's that

I decided to put an end to the madness this last weekend. So Saturday morning, I woke up, got my gear on, grabbed Barbara's book, rode up to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf where we first met, had a nice cup of coffee, and left the book with the people behind the counter so she could pick it up at her convenience. I figured that way, I have nothing tying me to her any more, and I can just get her out of my life completely. And at this point, that is what I want - to remove any and all connections to her. As far as my movie that she had, "What the Bleep Do We Know..?" I sent an email telling her she coudl just keep it or pass it along to someone else who might enjoy it. I also mentioned in the email that I didn't want her to send me another email with some unsolicited advice, as she sent a reply to the email I sent informing her about what I did saying that I had to "examine my reaction." I told her that she needs to examine her level of pretentiousness! Ha ha!

So I think I have closed that chapter for good. Of course, I was thinking yesterday that she is probably one of those women who just loves arguing, or being challenged, and that this won't be the end for her - she just won't be able to let it go. We'll see though. I actually hope it is - I really do. As pretty as she was, as intelligent and spiritual, as good a connection as we shared, it is clear to me that either she is a very selfish, uncompassionate person, really is WAY too busy for any new friends (in which case, whats the point?), or she was being dishonest with me and really didn't want to see me. And in any of these cases, I wouldn't really want to be her friend anyway, so....

In other, more pleasant news, I met Heather Saturday night at a little coffeeshop in Glendale that I have heard mentioned before in the Program called the Coffee Cup and Spoon. They have a karaoke night on Friday and Saturday nights, and it was really fun to watch all the different people get up and "try" to sing! Lol. Some were actually pretty good. Heather got up and did "Separate Ways" by Journey and rocked it pretty good! It was fun, and I enjoyed hanging out with her.

In other news, I "flipped" my exercise bike on craigslist and went and bought a treadmill off the same. It worked out so cool - I put the bike up Saturday afternoon, got an email about it Sunday morning, had a guy and his daughter come and buy it Sunday around noon for $120, called on the treadmill while they ran to the bank to get some cash, and as soon as they left with the bike, went and picked up the treadmill for $120! It worked out so perfectly , a real God thing. I wanted to get a treadmill because I just haven't been using the bike at all, and I am really enjoying running now. Now we'll see if I use the treadmill or not! Ha ha. I think I will though.

Took the kids to see "Despicable Me" yesterday, and it was a great movie. It was also nice to spend a little family time together - it had been a while. I think I am going to make more of an effort to make sure we spend at least one day every week or 2 doing something together like that.

So all in all, it was a nice weekend. I am looking forward to a nice week, and even better - a 3 day weekend! Woo hoo!

The "Year in Dating in Review"

Wow, that was interesting. I was just looking back over some of my posts from the last2 or 3 months, and realizing how many different women I have met, and just how many of them I thought might work into actual 'partners.' It was actually kinda' funny - I guess I am a bit of a sap when it comes to the ladies! Lol. I tend to make some judgments and decisions very quickly, and determine after the first meeting whether or not there might be something worth pursuing or not. But I guess I should start at the start, what got me to looking over my past posts in the first place.

I think I recounted how things basically 'blew up' with Barbara. I realize that I really jumped in head first, and probably acted like a crazy person. But in my defense, I honestly felt like there was something above and beyond just attraction working - a kind of cosmic connection - and I got very caught up in it. I had to laugh when I re-read her journal entry, as she seemed to be asking herself something to the effect of "why is it that when we get what we asked for, we are afraid of it?". I think that's exactly what happened : that the universe delivered for her, but she wasn't really ready for it. At least that's my perspective. Anyhoo, on with the story.

So, having basically shut things down with Barbara, and cooled them to a chill with Pattie, I started thinking about possibly pursuing some other women on POF, but wasn't really excited at that possibility. Then, I remembered - I had already met someone who was very sweet, very pretty, warm and fun to talk to - Marj. I put things on the shelf with her after I met Pattie, in larger part because it took her so long to get back to me. But things were not left in such a manner as to close any doors. In fact, in the last email or 2 I received from her at that time, she said if I ever wanted to talk or anything, to feel free to contact her.

So Friday, I sent her a text saying 'hello,' and stating that if she wasn't seeing anyone yet, I would love to meet up with and talk to her. I was half-expecting her to either say she had met someone, or "thanks, but no thanks." To my pleasant surprise, she didn't say either of those things. She said that she had been taking a break from POF (cool), spending a lot of time at the gym (very cool), and that she would like to talk some more (awesomely cool!). We texted back and forth a bit and settled on meeting Tuesday (tomorrow) night at 7pm. It will be interesting to see how it goes. I have thought how it must be a little weird for her, with me having passed by her to date Patricia, and then coming back around.

I hope that doesn't cause her to feel too weird though, because it was really a matter of timing more than anything else. I actually think (oh boy, here I go again! Ha ha! After reading back over my last several 'dating' posts, I realized that I have said what I am about to say about almost ALL of the ladies I have dated recently! LOL!) that she has the greatest collection of positive traits that I am looking for, and the least amount of negative ones. I am NOT going to go all bananas and say "This is it! She's really THE ONE!" because I don't know that, and I will look like a heel if I do.

I will say that she is very sweet, that she is very attractive, and that I am looking forward to talking with her again. We'll see how - and where - it goes. Something tells me she is more romantic and affectionate than Barbara was, and more gentle than Pattie was. That was one thing about Pattie that was a pretty big turn off for me : the way that, when we kissed, it seemed like she was trying to literally 'crawl into' my mouth, or meld our lips together by pressing them together so hard that they fused! Lol. She was a little too aggressive, a little too rough for me.

I think this time, I am going to pray and meditate about this meeting with Marj before I actually go on it (imagine that!). I really want to take it easy, and let God, the universe, the spirit of patience lead the way. I am recognizing my tendency to just dive in. And while it's all well and good to be a "romantic", the whole process of breaking people's hearts - including my own - after only one or 2 dates, well - that's just not necessary. I need guidance - divine guidance - on this one, and I am finally going to seek it :)

Hard (kinda') comedown

Last night was not a good night. I actually starting feeling a little ill after writing that last entry, and when I got home, was feeling pretty down. I finally got sick of the kids rooms being so disgusting, and went in and cleaned both of them up. While at first I was able to keep my cool about it, I quickly moved to assigning some greater meaning to it - like their lack of ability to clean their rooms was a clear showing of disrespect and ingratitude - and I proceeded to go off a little bit. Tessi wasn't there, but Galen was. After which I went in my room, crawled into bed, and played some meditation stuff - "Invitation to Healing" I think.

I later got up, threw a couple loads of laundry in, and went to pick up Tess. I was none too happy when I picked her up either, and when we got home, she proceeded to clean their bathroom up, as well as the kitchen. It was a nice gesture, but lost on me, as I was pretty well in one of the most severe depressions I have experienced in the last 6 or 7 months by then. I got the clothes out of the dryers, and proceeded to put a pile of clothes on each of their bedroom floors. I decided I am not going to the trouble to fold it all nicely for them anymore when all they do is throw them on the floor. I can save myself some time, and save them the interim step.

Barb texted before she went to watch the movie and asked if she could call me after. I told her yes initially, then decided I really didn't want to talk to her. So I texted back and said I would be going to bed early and that I didn't feel well - all true. I sent her an email stating how I felt and what I was thinking, that I thought there were some pretty clear signs from the universe about all this; that I thought she was taking my inventory a little too much; that she seemed to be calling my ego out a lot while not recognizing her own; that I was looking for romance while she was looking for friends. I basically laid it all out on the table. To which she replied with something of the nature of "I didn't realize I was doing this stuff," and "this is getting exhausting," and "I just want to be a positive force in your life - I trigger something in you, and it is for you to find out why that is".

She is absolutely right, she does trigger something in me. At first, it was pure adoration and desire. Here I saw a woman - a beautiful woman with deep spiritual beliefs and a fertile mins. She also had humility and approachability. And after the exchanges we had that first night, and all of the synchronicities we (or at least I) experienced, I felt a certain sense of serendipity, like this was meant to be - like she was the one.

But as seems to be the case with all things that seem too good to be true, it wasn't what I had hoped it would be. Did I make the mistake of falling way too quickly? Yes. Did I get way too caught up in emotionalism and romantic delusion? Yes, apparently. Do I think I was wrong to do so? Perhaps. Would I have done anything differently? No, probably not. I honestly felt something I have not felt before - not since Ty and I first got together, and I don't even think that was as strong. And there seemed to be some kind of universal 'conspiracy' or imperative pushing this idea that we were perfect for each other. Again, at least I thought so. And who am I to go against the Universe?

But maybe I read way too much into it, and maybe it was just what it was : a bunch of coincidences, a strong connection, a lot of energy swirling around. And maybe that isn't as rare as I think...? Maybe I am assigning far too much "uniqueness" to this. Maybe the connection we seemed to share is something that can manifest with some other woman - maybe several different women. In the end, she may not be so special after all, and that may be a lesson for me in itself.

I'm not sure what is going to happen now. I know that I am not going to contact her again for awhile. I think the "exhausting" comment pretty well summed up her feelings, and how should would like to proceed at this time. So I am going to let go for now, and see what else the Universe has going on. I have a number of AA things I need to participate in at the SRI Roundup this weekend, being a member of 2 homegroups and all. And my college buddy John is in town from Texas, and we are trying to get the old KBJ team together for a "reunion" like we do whenever he is in town. And Sharon is divorcing Bob, and she mentioned maybe getting together for coffee tomorrow. So I won't be lonely and without things to do - that's for sure!

And that I think is the beauty of all this : yes, I was really down last night. But I have been able to bounce back very quickly, and I have a very busy, happy and full life to embrace no matter what happens on the "dating" front. My life is balanced today, and while it would be nice to find a sweetheart to share some romance with, I am ok with being patient and waiting for the right one. I am not alone, nor am I lonely. My life is full, and for that, I am very, very grateful to God, the Universe, and all that is :)

And this is why...

...I really can't stand women sometimes - at least as far as the whole "relationship" thing goes. Had a nice meeting with Barb last night, nice convo, yadda yadda. Once again, felt a great connection, like we were getting closer. So today, I send her an email, a few texts, and I get hit yet again with the "friends first" club. Now, it's totally ok that she wants to be friends first. But this lady is beating me over the head with it, and to be honest, it's getting annoying. I was going to over to some friend of her's house tonight to watch "What the Bleep Do We Know," but I am actually going to cancel. And not just because I am miffed - I literally have NO underwear clean (wearing those crappy boxer briefs I bought when I was seeing Ty), I am really tired, and I don't want Tess to have to stay up too late tonight - she was up til after 10 last night, and really tired today. So perhaps it's all for the best.

Women... they are so fucking confusing sometimes. So she has a profile on POF to meet a bunch of friends...? She sent me the first communication - not the other way around. She is the one who asked to see my blog entry, knowing full well what was in there. Ugh! WTF? I swear, it's like women like her love to torture me. "Let's just keep it friends, but I am going to flirt with you, and want to see you a lot, ok?" Fuck that shit! I have 'friends', and I am lucky to see them once a month! I am too old to play games like this, so I think I am going to slam the brakes on this mofo. She can date whoever she wants, and make a ton of friends. I am looking for a relationship - like a romantic, man/woman, let's build a life together relationship.

I guess I need to be more up front about that from now on : if I wanted a new friend, or mere companionship, I would buy a freakin' puppy! Personally, I think she knows she can attract a much taller, buffer, richer, more handsome man, and she feels like she would be settling with me. Instead of telling me the truth, she is being 'nice' about it. Why do I think that? Because it's the same exact thing I would do. In fact, it is exactly what I did with Patricia last night. Yeah.

Oh Boy....

Yep, here we go... So I have been seeing Patricia for about a month now (I think?) and things have been going well. I never heard anything back from anyone else from POF, save for one last (maybe) email from Marj. All good, right? All clear.

Wait - not so fast. Today, out of nowhere, I get a message from someone on POF, a woman with the username "zenvirgo." I don't think I ever sent her anything, so it is basically like an initial contact from her to me. Now I am probably blowing this all out of proportion, cuz I like to do that sort of thing!!! Ha ha! Especially when it comes to romance/dating/woman stuff. Anyhoo, she sent me a little message that sounded pretty interesting, so I checked out her profile, and she seems like a pretty interesting person. She is totally into meditation and spirituality, and looks pretty to boot.

The one thing that causes me the most hesitation is that she has no kids. She does state clearly in her profile that she does not mind dating someone who does, but I always wonder if a woman who has never had kids really knows the amount of time it takes to rear them, and if the woman is willing to share enough time - without resentment - to allow for that. I guess it is possible, and I need not judge. I can just keep an open mind.

Chances are, this is nothing : I will email the woman, and either she won't get back to me, or she will, and we will quickly find we are not a match. And life, and my relationship with Pattie will go on as it has been. But I can't help wondering "what if?" What if I do email this woman, she emails me back, we are compatible, we turn out to be a match, and.... Well, I think we can see where I am going with this. What if?

Now, to my credit, I have not made the 'usual', impatient misstep with Pattie, and said "I love you." Nor have I gotten too nutty about trying to mix our lives together. I have not done the "In a Relationship" thing on Facebook, nor have I introduced her to the kids, or any of my friends for that matter. So, if something were to come of this other situation, while I am sure it would be hard on her, it would not be nearly as bad as it could be. And again, I really don't expect anything to come of this other situation. But, because it would be my luck to have something like this happen AFTER I have already started another relationship, something tells me it actually might, if only for the irony of it all - thanks Universe! RRRrrrreeeeallll funny - ha ha ha ha. NOT! Lol.

I do plan on sending this lady an email just to see what's up. I mean, she stepped out and emailed me, so it's the least I can do. And to be honest, I am curious. It's funny how life is sometimes. Actually, it's funny how life it all the time. What is more interesting is the timing of things, and how I, how we all, react to events within that timing. Will this be a case of "you've got to be kidding me...", or just a flash in the pan??? We'll find out - aren't you excited?!?! Ha ha! I am - I love a good mystery!

The Beautiful People

So I have been thinking about dating Patricia, and a strange thought popped into my head - I wondered what it would be like to take her to Mike and Teri's for some holiday or other occasion - how that would feel? I thought about the fact that Marshal and Kristina are both great looking people, Mikey and his fiance' Tina are both pretty good looking - but what about Patricia and I? And then I thought further about Marshal and Kristina, and how all their friends (e.g. Brent and Alex) seem to be "the beautiful people". You know - the guys that every girl wanted to date in high school, and the girls that every guy wanted to date. It seems like every time I see pictures of some of their friends (and them), I can't help but think they are the beautiful people, and how could I bring someone - including myself - around to events with them, when we aren't beautiful?

Now I am almost certain that they, Marshal and Kristina, don't think of themselves that way way. And I am even more certain that Mike and Teri don't think that way. So the question is - why do I think that way? Why do I feel this pressure to "measure up," to prove myself as 'worthy' by bringing some gorgeous woman to their functions? I mean, even when I brought Tina, I didn't think that she was good enough - although Danny seemed to think she was pretty, and enjoyed flirting with her! Lol. I am really stuck on this as of late. Why can't I, or don't I, attract "the beautiful people?" The obvious answer is that I am not one of them. And I guess that is what I am grappling with - accepting who and what I am, and accepting life on life's terms.

I am not really sure what to think about all this. I know one thing for sure - it will make for some great work material at my next session with Diana! And I know that in the final analysis, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, and all this talk about who is beautiful and who is not is being filtered through my judgement, and the verdicts issued are very subjective - not objective at all. And I am trying to keep that in mind as I work through this. I mean, if we were all blind, who could really say who was beautiful and who wasn't, right? It would be based on something other than physical appearance entirely, and in that case, maybe even I would be one of the "beautiful people."

A Tale of Two Mornings

The first, a happy, newly refreshed morning on which I was smiling inside, having met a nice, beautiful woman the night before, and having talked to her for over 3 hours. The other, a frustrating, stressful morning full of "it doesn't work" and "there's something wrong with..." observances from the friendliest BA this side of the Pecos. I swear - as much as I try to maintain a peaceful calm demeanor, I could just rip her f*ck!ng head off sometimes! Aaarrrggghhhhh! It's not so bad that things are wrong with the app - I mean, that is the nature of the beast, and to be expected. What is bad is the way she just JUMPS on the first little sign of an error, and throws it in my face - "there's something wrong with the app." This morning, I don't think she had been signed in for more than 30 seconds before she was IM'ing saying there was something wrong. Turns out, nothing was wrong with the app - it was the user account they were trying to use to access the app, one that was not even mentioned in the reqs. Oy vey! I just need to breathe.....

Now, on to something much nicer - the good part of the morning, the part where I was reminiscing about the woman I met last night, Marj. I know - really? Marj? And she's hot? No way. Typically, Marj is not a name that conjures up visions of beauty. But she definitely breaks the mold, and in the greatest of ways. Pretty, sweet, nice figure, great attitude, charming - we really hit it off. I couldn't help but thinking after we parted, "this one is a keeper." To top it off, when I got home, she had written me an email apologizing for talking so much about her past. She also mentioned that she enjoyed talking with me and had a good time. It was really cool to get an email like that, especially considering that when I initially signed into gmail, I was doing it to send her the very same kind of email! Lol. Gotta' love it.

I wrote her back a nice email, and basically told her no apologies were necessary, that I enjoyed talking to her, and that she was a very sweet and beautiful woman. I am hoping that last part wasn't too much, but I just couldn't help saying how I truly felt. I was - I am - EXTREMELY attracted to her. I wanted to reach over and put my hand on her thigh SO bad last night. She has a great figure, and was wearing a sexy, low cut top, with some nice shorts that were fairly short, but not so much to be trampy. Her skin looked silky smooth, and I swear it was all I could do to not just reach over and start stroking her thigh!

Now I am a little nervous, as I haven'y yet receieved a reply from her. I hope she didn't think I came on too strong in my reply email. Chances are, everything is fine, and I am worrying for nothing. But I have to say honestly that out of all the women I have met over the last 7 years, all of them, she is the one that I have found the most completely attractive in all ways : nice figure, a little shorter than me, friendly, warm, no excessive facial hair (sounds mean, I know - but I just have an aversion to that), great legs, nice breasts (not huge, but not tiny either), nice smile, open and honest, self aware, etc. I mean, I could really see myself pursuing this woman, and really trying to make something serious with her. I want her - and not just sexually. I want her to be with me, and I want to be with her - to be there for her, and treat her like she deserves. She has been through some stuff - been cheated on, lied to, etc - and she really deserves to have a nice man who will treat her like the lady she is. I want to be that man.

Of course, I am getting way ahead of myself, and breaking all my rules of dating by saying this, but it is what I am feeling inside, and what I am thinking in my head. I know enough to know not to get to attached to the idea though, as I don't know that she feels the same way. And I don't want to be all disappointed if things don't work out. I just need to do the same thing with this as I was trying to do with the "Traci" issue this morning : breathe..... ahhhhhhh......

Not a match - the story continues

After pressing Wendy a little bit for information about what she actually thought about me, and realizing that she probably wasn't attracted to me at all, I decided to just let her know that I didn't think we were a match, tell her "thank you for the time", and move on. And you know what? I think I am starting to get the hang of this "dating" thing and am finally comfortable with the process that Diana described : going on at least 500 dates before getting truly frustrated about not finding someone; realizing that it's a numbers game; not taking it personally when things don't work out; not getting dscouraged and dropping out after 3 or 4 unsuccesful dates. I am starting to settle into this new mindframe.

I have not removed my profile, gotten cynical, or given up yet. I am hanging in there and just taking it easy. I am open and available, but not deperate. I still try to send out a few messages a week on POF. Even though it seems I have already messaged all the women I find intriguing, I manage to find a couple of new ones to contact. And even though I check and see that they have viewed me, but not responded, I don't let it get me down - I just keep on keepin' on. And I am TOTALLY amazed when I think back to a year or 2 ago, and just how frustrated and depressed I would get after only a few unsuccesful dates or contacts. Wow... healing is possible. Re-learning how to act and be really is possible. Wow.

I love it too. I am actually feeling a sense of 'normalcy' about the whole dating/being single thing - something I used to think might never happen. I am just so grateful that I am here now, and pray that I can stay. I think as long as I continue participating in my sobriety, continue my twice a day meditation schedule, continue working out and eating healthy, continue seeing Diana once a month - I think I can maintain what I have gained, and grow and heal even more.

So even if I am single for the next 10 years, I can be so happily, and enjoy my life to its fullest. I can love myself even more, andd enjoy the time with my friends, family and co-workers even more. I can grow even more spiritually, and more fully develop my conscious contact with my Higher Power - the Universe and all that is. I can fully accept and believe that just because I am single does not mean I am alone. I am never alone - never. What a gift it is to know - even better to FEEL - that today... :)

Update on the date

So I finally had the 'big' date with Wendy, and we actually had a nice day together. I was pretty excited at first, because as she approached the lightrail station, I noticed she was wearing a light skirt, with high slits up both sides, and a top that showed a little bit of cleavage. I am thinking, "ok, she must like me, cuz she is showing some skin." But interestingly enough, once we actually met up, I couldn't tell if that was the case or not, and that was pretty much the vibe of the day. Not to say we didn't have a nice time, because we did.

We went to the Phoenix Art Museum, which I had never been to, and I was really impressed by the sheer size and beauty of the place. We spent probably 2 or 3 hours there. There was one moment, shortly after we first got there, when she was squeezing in front of me to look at something, and had her butt resting on my nether region, and again I was thinking, "momma's doing some flirting here!" But after that, there wasn't really any more of that type of interaction, so again, I was left wondering.

We went out to a late lunch after, at a place called Maizie's, and had a nice time there as well. It seemed like she was pretty "into" the waiter, who was a good looking younger guy, but maybe that is just her nature, a bit flirty. In any case, we had some nice conversation, which was good, because the item I ordered, the Caesar salad, pretty much sucked! I've had much better ones. No big though.

When we got back to the park and ride, I walked her to her van, we exchanged a nice hug, and although I had thought about going in for a little kiss, she made clear by the way she turned her head away after the hug that that was not happening. Which was ok. So I was left not really knowing how she felt about me, but thinking that she really wasn't too attracted to me physically.

I sent her an email Saturday night telling her that I had a nice time and that I was attracted to her - that it would be cool if we met for lunch. I got an email back from her saying that she would let me know about lunch, and that was it. That has been very typical of our email communications : I will say something personal, and complimentary, and when she replies, she keeps it very sterile, and never really acknowledges what I have said. I haven't let it get to me though, as I know I have communication issues, and have been telling myself "no worries, that's just how she communicates."

Since I had disclosed so much about how I felt about her though, and she hadn't said anything about how she felt about me really, I sent her an email last night asking flatly, "what do you think of me so far?" Her reply was that we share a lot of common interests and relationship goals, but that she didn't have that "fuzzy" feeling. She said she was willing to keep meeting though to see if it develops. I replied that was cool with me, and that the reason I asked is because I had gotten that feeling from her. So where does that leave all this?

Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I think it basically means that we are right where she said we are : there aren't any overpowering feelings of "fuzziness" on either side, but that we can meet up and do things together, because we get along well. I like her, but I am not feeling drawn to her or overly "fuzzy" myself - not like was with Michelle or anything. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she seems to have a Dr. Spock like quality to her when it comes to the romance part of it - and perhaps that is because she isn't really attracted to me. She does laugh and express emotion about other things, but when the conversation turns to relationship or attraction type subjects, she becomes very cold and rational, or tries to pretty much just shut it down.

The great thing for me today is that I am ok with it just like it is. Is she nice? Yes. Am I attracted to her? Yes. Am I desperately longing to be with her? No, I'm not. I am ok with things no matter how they go - and for me, that is awesome. I have been striving to reach this place, and been seeking the willingness to let go of that "love at first site/fairy tale" romance delusion so I could get here. It is far too early to say that I am completely there, but I am definitely on the path. And all I can say is "Phhhewwwwwww! What a relief!" Ha ha! I needed to find some serenity about this relationship obsession I have grappled with; I have needed to trust the Universe and let go; and it seems that, even in this smalls dose, that is starting to happen. For that, and everything in my life, I truly say "Thank you Lord!"

Same-o same-o

Well, I have not yet heard back from miss "tantric" yet, and am not sure if I ever will. I sent her what I thought was a very thoughtful response, and I know she looked at it because on POF, you can check the status of messages you have sent to see if they have been read or are still unread. It was read, but no response. I sent her another message today, basically asking her to tell me if she wants me to lay off. So we'll see what happens.

The last few times I have been on the site, I have noticed that there don't seem to be too many more interesting women to send messages to. So I guess I will probably just kick back now and see if anything materializes from it or not. I was talking at lunch today about the fact that I think women on those type of sites can be extremely choosy, because there are probably 10 guys for every woman on there. Not to mention the fact that if they are attractive at all, they probably get inundated with emails, so they can filter arbitrarily by appearance, height, interests, etc. But I filter by all of those same things too (well, not interests so much) so I can't really complain, right? Lol

I was thinking about going to a meditation "meetup" tonight that I found on Meetups.com, but I am so broke I think I will wait til next week so I have at least a little something to give for a "love offering." Instead, I will probably end up doing some laundry instead - weeeeee! Then tomorrow, I have my appt. with Diana, and that should be good. I am started to get a little - although not very - frustrated with the whole "dating" thing again. Why can't the universe just give me one more good one - one more chance, so I can do the right thing, and be the man I want to be for a partner? Why why why... all I can do is ask why, knowing that no matter what happens, I will be ok; and that I am constantly working to improve myself mentally, spiritually and physically, so when it does finally happen, I might actually feel like I deserve it! Ha ha!

Hungry for lovin'

Ok - what I am now experiencing now, at this moment, this day, is not desperation in the sense of "Oh, I need a girlfriend SO badly!!!" No, that is not it - not at all. Oh, I am desperate all right, but more along these lines : "OMG - I am DYING to have some GREAT SEX with a woman!!!! Aaarrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!" Ha ha! Yes, that is what I am feeling right now. I suppose I should say thinking, to be "psycholgically correct", but believe me - I am feeling it too.

Sure, Ty and I were together twice. And while, at a base level, it was somewhat satisfying, it was not overly pleasurable as I was not very attracted to her, and did not find her body very appealing at all. Lord forgive me for thinking this way, and if she were ever to read this... But one must remember that when I last saw her naked, she was 21 years old, a size 2, and in her physical prime. It was extremely hard to reconcile the image of her back then with the image I saw recently. So no, it was not entirely satisfying, and I find that I am CRAVING some good sex again. Damn, that time with Tina made it so hard to go without! And that door is shut for good - slammed and bolted tight. In fact, she is probably due sometime soon.

My question is, what the hell am I going to do? I mean, other than the old standby pudd whackin' of course. While that does a pretty good job of releasing the sexual tension, it does nothing to satiate my craving to take a woman's supple breast in my mouth, to reach around her and feel the softness of her bare ass on my hands, to kiss her soft lips, and feel the raking of her nails across my back. DAMN! I am going to go kuckoo! I am starting to honestly think I am going to have to do something I have never before done in my life and get a hooker - either here in Phoenix, Nevada, or wherever the hell I have to go. Thing is, I don't want just any woman - I want one who is fairly 'clean', that is attractive physically, otherwise it will just be waste of cash.

Of course, if I were to look at this from my highest self, and from the teachings of the Buddha, I might think that what I really need to do is let go of the craving for sex - that the craving is the real issue, and not the fact that I can't find anyone to have sex with. And, to be honest, a part of me would love nothing more than that. But I think there is a part of me that is afraid to let that go, afraid that I might never get it back if I do, and that that would render somewhat "incapable" of certain things in future relationships. In fact, I remember reading something in the last book on Buddhism about that very subject - fear of letting go of those cravings and the impact it might have on relationships. And even though I want to completely believe what was said, it is not all that easy - not yet anyways.

Well, it is almost time to head out and start the weekend. Who knows what it will bring. Tess is going to come spend the weekend at home, she has been missing me (and her brother I'm sure) and I have been missing her too. So it should be a nice, family weekend. And maybe, just maybe, someone from POF will actually REPLY and I can begin the process of getting to know someone again. And it might be a good idea for me to read more about letting go of those cravings - I'm just sayin'... :)

A Dating Lull

Well, what started out like gangbusters, the whole POF dating thang, has now slowed to a real lull. Out of the last several messages I've sent out, I've only gotten one or 2 replies. And after sending those few another message, I have gotten nothing back. I met with Dana last night, and though she was sweet, she was a bit bigger - heavier - than I thought she would be. She was nice though, so I am thinking I would still like to see her again. We only got to meet for less than an hour last night, as she had to go pick her dad up from the doctor. I texted her this morning to see how that went and she has not yet texted back. But it's ok - I am not really concerned, as I don't think there is a realistic possibility of us getting together. I want someone who is in better shape.

So now, I need to work on just being ok with being single, and being ok with the slow pace at which things develop in the "single" world. I think I have a sort of "single person ADD," or maybe OCD, where I get totally obsessed with the fact that I am single, and want an immediate "cure," as if it is a disease or something. But then when I think about it, even though I try to convince myself that I am just very romantic, and I want someone to 'snuggle' with, I realize that I am lying to myself - I don't want someone to snuggle with, I want someone to have sex with. I don't care if we hold hands and do all that stuff, I just want to get down! And though I used to think it was horrible to think that way, I am now accepting it as it is. Why try to convince myself otherwise?

Now that's not to say that I'm not open to more, and that if I met the right woman, I wouldn't like more. It's just that I haven't met such a woman yet. I have been thinking about the relationship I had with Tina a lot lately - not the romantic, life partner one, but the sexual one. Truth be told, it was the best I ever had, and I have REALLY been missing it. The regular relationship had some good qualities too, but paled in comparison to the incredible sex we had. I am just wondering why it seems so hard for me to 'score' with someone? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't drink and go to bars. Lord knows, a drunk or buzzed woman is a much easier creature to pursue than a sover woman. Oy vey.

I even tried the whole "looking for : intimate encounter" on POF, only to find that there aren't many women on there looking for that (at least not with that classification anyway) and that most of the ones who are are pretty overweight. There were a few others who looked like they might have been "pros" - and hell, at this point, I am almost willing to pay for it! Lol. I might need to make a trip to Nevada or Mexico soon Damn.

So yeah - being 40 and sober, and trying to date pretty much blows. I am determined to not let it get me down this time, to not start telling myself "short and ugly" stories, and to just be patient this time. This is something I really need to learn to let go of - totally. I need to just be ok with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to, and the less interference and resistance from me, the better!

Self-discovery, communication, and a little insanity

Ok, so the title of this post might be a weeeee bit overly dramatic, but I was trying to think of a way to sum up all the things that I am experiencing right now, and that seemed to be the best summation (actually, I originally had "general insanity" and changed it to "a little" so soften it! Lol). So I made it through the entire day yesterday without texting, emailing or calling Dana - that's good, right? Yes, it is. What was not so good, or at least not so comfortable, was just how STRONG the urge was to contact her, and the silly places my head went because she hadn't contacted me.

This morning I texted her and asked if we were still on for meeting tonight at 6pm, to which she basically said "yes", but could we make it 6:30, to which I said yes, to which she said "Great!" Now I was taken aback by this, because I was certain she had blown me off or otherwise forsaken me, because my expectations of communication are what they are. And I am starting to think, in fact I am fairly certain, that my "expectations" for communication frequency are out of touch with reality, and causing me much grief. I mean, when I look back at my last 3 relationships (although the time with Michelle was pretty brief to actually be called a relationship), that one issue was basically the direct cause, or the main instigator of each of my decisions to cut things off - with Tina, with Michelle, with Ty, and almost to Dana now.

But thank goodness for self-awareness, and the seemingly newfound ability I have to actually observe my thoughts, study them, and then determine whether or not it would be in my, or another's best interest to act on them. I have caught myself several times lately - several times a day - catching myself thinking of doing something, and saying to myself, 'wait - I don't think that's really such a good idea - what is it going to accomplish?' What really blows me away is HOW MANY of those types of thoughts I have! And the crazy frequency at which they come.

For example, in this situation with Dana - I thought about sending her a text saying something like "I wasn't sure if you still wanted to see me cuz I haven't heard from you." So I thought about that - what would it accomplish? Well, if she had been busy with work, or family or something, she might have thought 'what gives? I was busy. Is this guy totally codependent or what?' Or she might have wondered why I would think that she doesn't want to see me simply because of that, that I must be extremely insecure. Or her communication style might be of the old fashioned variety, that the guy initiates contact, in which case she might think, 'wait - you didn't contact me, so what are you saying here?' The common thread here is that none of these is a good outcome, so it was not in my, or her best interest to send something like that. So I didn't. And that fact alone is HUGE progress for me! I actually stopped myself, looked at the thoughts, did not just act on them, but studied them, and then made a conscious decision to NOT act on them. Wow....

You know, I'm not sure if it is the morning meditation that has helped usher this new awareness in, the counselling, the Program, or a combination of all (the most likely possibility), but I am enthralled by the mere concept of it, and blown away by the fact that I am actually able to do this now. I really have never known just how crazy some of my thoughts were, and how completely the ruled, and in many cases ruined, the opportunities that presented themselves in my life. How many relationships did I sabotage/destroy/walk away from because of thoughts like those I described? How many people did I estrange from me because of crazy thoughts? How much mental and psychological pain did I inflict upon myself? It really, totally and completely blows me away. It is like I am awake for the first time in my life - it sends chills down my spine.

So now of course, the question is, can I keep it up, and can I learn to change those thoughts? I am learning how to see them for what they are, and to stop myself from acting on them - the next step is to change the actual thoughts themselves, and the base ideas about life and myself that they spring from. As recently as 2 or 3 months ago, I would have seriously doubted - in fact I did seriously doubt - that I could ever change some of those thoughts, let alone heal those places inside from which they come. But this newfound awareness and ability has re-invigorated me, and filled me with an energy, hope and faith that I have not felt in a very long time. I am extremely grateful to be who I am, where I am, when I am, and grateful for that awareness that surpasses anything I have ever known. Thank you God!

Breaking the "Michelle" curse

Just when I thought I was destined - or after the events of this weekend - doomed, to end up with a woman named Michelle, a ray of sunshine broke through the M cloud in the form of a woman named Dana. I sent her a message through POF, she replied, and we ended up texting back and forth this weekend, even chatting on the phone Saturday night. She looks to be very pretty from her pictures on POF - a brunette with beautiful blue eyes (always LOVED that combination). She is a fellow Taurus and seems to be pretty put together. Of course, we will see about that as time goes by, as I have thought that about other women only to find out it wasn't completely true. We are going to meet Weds night for coffee, and I am pretty excited about it to be honest. I just re-read my "rules" though, and am trying to remind myself to go SLOW! Ha ha!

I met the other woman I was texting, Shelli, yesterday, and she was very nice. I noticed right off the bat that she has a large tattoo on the back of her neck that extends down her upper back, so that was a bit of a turn-off, as I am not big on tattoos, especially on women. All in all, she was very sweet, but I didn't feel any real physical attraction. I am not really sure how to proceed, as she is really nice, and I don't want to just summarily blow her off. I will have to contemplate that. Typically, the MO has been to just cease contact - both on my side, and the woman's. If the other person isn't interested, they just don't contact the other one anymore. I would feel kinda' bad doing that with her though, so I want to come up with something better.

And now on to the piece de resistance - the outcome with Michelle, the one I was so hopeful about after receiving the text from her while camping. Here is a woman that I think is more messed up and manipulative than me! Lol. Here I am texting and emailing her, all concerned that something is horribly wrong with her. So I text her orig phone Satruday night in yet another effort to find out if she is ok, and I get back a simple, "No worries. I'm ok." WTF?!?!?! I have had actual concern and worry for her, and turns out she is fine, just been a little sick?

That in and of itself was enough to make me a little irritated. But then, I ask her about maybe seeing her again, and she says that she is burnt out on men, that she doesn't want to see anyone for awhile. I reminded her that SHE sent me the text saying that stuff about "fizzling" and about my email rocking her world, and she says "sorry if I confused you." Ok - at this point, I am thinking that either A. This woman has no concept of the dynamics of communication between single men and women, or B. This lady is extremely manipulative, and possibly even shizophrenic. So I sent her a text to clarify once and for all, stating that I did not want her to text me again unless she was interested in seeing me again. To which she replied she was going to delete all my contact info from her phone. Fine - great - whatever! I think she truly belongs with that guy Ryan - that they are made for each other, and I hope they have a wonderful life together! Ha ha!

So the adventure continues, with the next chapter yet to be written. Will Dana be promising? Will we have a good meetup? Will I be attracted to her? Will she be attracted to me? Only time will tell. One thing is sure though - whatever happens, it is bound to be interesting! Lol