This has been one of those weeks where it seems like Debbie and I just can't seem to communicate in a smooth, effortless fashion like we so often do. It has been a week filled with misunderstandings, confused thoughts and icky feelings. And considering the fact that yesterday was her birthday, the timing couldn't have been much worse. But let's start at the start.
Monday night I called her before bed as I do most every night we don't see each other in person. We talked for awhile, and although the conversation at times seemed a little stilted because Kyrsten was bugging her a bit, I thought it went fairly well. After about 15 minutes, it seemed like Kyrsten was getting increasingly needy, and being that it was almost 9:15pm, I figured Deb would be putting her to bed soon. So I told her that we could go ahead and wrap up, that she would probably need to attend to Kyrsten. She seemed to get a little upset at that, and proceeded to hastily say goodbye and basically click me off. Yyyyeaahhh...
I didn't think too much of it - thought she was probably a little stressed with Kyrsten bugging her as she was trying to talk, and chalked it up to her being frustrated. I later texted her "good night" and got back a pretty brief response from her. I thought she might have been stressed, so I texted something about hoping she didn't have too tough an evening. I didn't hear anything back, but sent another one saying something like 'hope all is ok - sleep well'. Again, didn't hear anything back. I didn't think too much of it, but it was a little off-putting.
Tuesday was her birthday, and I started off by sending her a text early, like around 6:30 or so, saying Happy Birthday. She replied, about an hour later, but it was a little short. We then IM'd back and forth,but things just didn't seem "right". So I told her maybe it would be good if we talked. We did, and she ended up telling me that she had told herself stories Monday night that I didn't want to talk to her - didn't want to hear what she had to say, and didn't care. That's why she basically clicked me off - she was upset with me. Of course, that is not what I meant to convey at all, but that's what she thought. I explained that wasn't what I meant to convey, apologized for my part in it, we said "I love you's," and all was well. Or so I thought.
As we continued to IM yesterday morning, it seemed as if there was a general tone of 'meanness' to some of her messages - one that culminated in her saying that she too "preferred blondes" after I made a reference to that old Farrah Fawcett poster from the 70's. This time, it was me who got butt hurt, and I let her know. We eneded up talking again later (I think - or maybe we just IM'd), and she told me that she hadn't meant it to be that way, that she was truly joking. I really thought that maybe she was still a little mad at me, even if only sub-consciously, but she swore she wasn't, and we decided mutually to "start the day over".
That worked well, we met for coffee at Starbucks last night and had a nice long talk about everything. We agreed that we would both work on improving communication as best we could and that we would re-double our efforts to not keep anything from each other. Although there were some rather tense moments, it all worked out well, and I came away feeling we had strengthened our relationship. Until this morning.
So today, I texted her first thing this morning, as always, and said my "good morning". She texted back - we were off to a great start. I got on gmail and expected to see her pop up on chat around 9, like usual. When she didn't by 9:15, I sent her a text asking where oh where she could be. I didn't hear anything back by 9:30, so I texted her again. I still didn't hear anything back, so I finally called her around 9:45 asking if she was ok. She was - it it turned out her computer had issues this morning and she wasn't able to get on the Internet. I of course wanted to know why she didn't respond to my texts, and apparently, her inbox on her phone was full, preventing her from texting. She explained that all, and I started feeling pretty bad about myself. It seems that, once again, the old spectre of "false communication expectations" that has been haunting me for the last several years is back. Once again, I find myself upset about something that is really nothing at all to be upset about : it is merely a manifestation of my completely distorted and unrealistic expectations. And so, I am bumming, because I am SICK of this popping up all the time.
I recognized my part in it, apologized profusely, and am now feeling pretty down. Of course, I am not happy about the fact that it is I who has the problem here either. Yes, I know logically that I am "in the wrong". Diana has told me as much many times. But it still pisses me off and depresses me somewhat. My ego gets involved, and I don't WANT to be the one who is in the wrong, AGAIN. But, then again, I don't want to be in the right either, because then she gets upset with and down on herself, and I feel responsible. It is such a double-edged sword. Man, relationships are so tricky. And even though this is, by FAR, the best I've ever had, it is still extrmely tricky. I know that I can be overly-sensitive, and it has been my experience that she can too. The combination of both can be quite the minefield to walk through.
Thank goodness, I have an appt with Diana tomorrow night. The timing simply could not be better, as I am thinking I really need another "mental tuneup," esp as far as my communication issues go. It's funny just how often the appointments with her just happen to fall during times when they are SO needed. And not by plan or anything - purely coincidentally. Either that, or it's just that I am that needy, and no matter when they fall, I would need it. Ugh. That's the one thing I really don't like about it - that I KEEP needing it. Maybe I am perma-fucked in the head. Seems that way sometimes. Even Diana mentioned something about how therapy should be seen as something that has an endpoint. I guess for me, that's death.
Oh well. I guess it could be worse. I could be getting high still and causing even more wreckage than I am sober - which, thankfully, doesn't seem to be that much. Of course, I am extremely hard on and critical of myself, and that doesn't help. I need to remember to talk to Diana about that too - the fact that I feel bad about having to keep going to see her. Seems like she had told me something awhile back about it being ok to keep seeing someone - but obviously I need to hear it again.
I'm tired, and planning on heading home and going straight to bed. I think I am over-tired and that is contributing to the way I am feeling. Hopefully, a good night of sleep and I will be clearer mentally. That, combined with an appointment with Diana tomorrow night ought to be some good medicine. Then, maybe Deb and I can get back in synch. This week has been a bit painful, and now that I am sober, I don't like pain so much.
Monday night I called her before bed as I do most every night we don't see each other in person. We talked for awhile, and although the conversation at times seemed a little stilted because Kyrsten was bugging her a bit, I thought it went fairly well. After about 15 minutes, it seemed like Kyrsten was getting increasingly needy, and being that it was almost 9:15pm, I figured Deb would be putting her to bed soon. So I told her that we could go ahead and wrap up, that she would probably need to attend to Kyrsten. She seemed to get a little upset at that, and proceeded to hastily say goodbye and basically click me off. Yyyyeaahhh...
I didn't think too much of it - thought she was probably a little stressed with Kyrsten bugging her as she was trying to talk, and chalked it up to her being frustrated. I later texted her "good night" and got back a pretty brief response from her. I thought she might have been stressed, so I texted something about hoping she didn't have too tough an evening. I didn't hear anything back, but sent another one saying something like 'hope all is ok - sleep well'. Again, didn't hear anything back. I didn't think too much of it, but it was a little off-putting.
Tuesday was her birthday, and I started off by sending her a text early, like around 6:30 or so, saying Happy Birthday. She replied, about an hour later, but it was a little short. We then IM'd back and forth,but things just didn't seem "right". So I told her maybe it would be good if we talked. We did, and she ended up telling me that she had told herself stories Monday night that I didn't want to talk to her - didn't want to hear what she had to say, and didn't care. That's why she basically clicked me off - she was upset with me. Of course, that is not what I meant to convey at all, but that's what she thought. I explained that wasn't what I meant to convey, apologized for my part in it, we said "I love you's," and all was well. Or so I thought.
As we continued to IM yesterday morning, it seemed as if there was a general tone of 'meanness' to some of her messages - one that culminated in her saying that she too "preferred blondes" after I made a reference to that old Farrah Fawcett poster from the 70's. This time, it was me who got butt hurt, and I let her know. We eneded up talking again later (I think - or maybe we just IM'd), and she told me that she hadn't meant it to be that way, that she was truly joking. I really thought that maybe she was still a little mad at me, even if only sub-consciously, but she swore she wasn't, and we decided mutually to "start the day over".
That worked well, we met for coffee at Starbucks last night and had a nice long talk about everything. We agreed that we would both work on improving communication as best we could and that we would re-double our efforts to not keep anything from each other. Although there were some rather tense moments, it all worked out well, and I came away feeling we had strengthened our relationship. Until this morning.
So today, I texted her first thing this morning, as always, and said my "good morning". She texted back - we were off to a great start. I got on gmail and expected to see her pop up on chat around 9, like usual. When she didn't by 9:15, I sent her a text asking where oh where she could be. I didn't hear anything back by 9:30, so I texted her again. I still didn't hear anything back, so I finally called her around 9:45 asking if she was ok. She was - it it turned out her computer had issues this morning and she wasn't able to get on the Internet. I of course wanted to know why she didn't respond to my texts, and apparently, her inbox on her phone was full, preventing her from texting. She explained that all, and I started feeling pretty bad about myself. It seems that, once again, the old spectre of "false communication expectations" that has been haunting me for the last several years is back. Once again, I find myself upset about something that is really nothing at all to be upset about : it is merely a manifestation of my completely distorted and unrealistic expectations. And so, I am bumming, because I am SICK of this popping up all the time.
I recognized my part in it, apologized profusely, and am now feeling pretty down. Of course, I am not happy about the fact that it is I who has the problem here either. Yes, I know logically that I am "in the wrong". Diana has told me as much many times. But it still pisses me off and depresses me somewhat. My ego gets involved, and I don't WANT to be the one who is in the wrong, AGAIN. But, then again, I don't want to be in the right either, because then she gets upset with and down on herself, and I feel responsible. It is such a double-edged sword. Man, relationships are so tricky. And even though this is, by FAR, the best I've ever had, it is still extrmely tricky. I know that I can be overly-sensitive, and it has been my experience that she can too. The combination of both can be quite the minefield to walk through.
Thank goodness, I have an appt with Diana tomorrow night. The timing simply could not be better, as I am thinking I really need another "mental tuneup," esp as far as my communication issues go. It's funny just how often the appointments with her just happen to fall during times when they are SO needed. And not by plan or anything - purely coincidentally. Either that, or it's just that I am that needy, and no matter when they fall, I would need it. Ugh. That's the one thing I really don't like about it - that I KEEP needing it. Maybe I am perma-fucked in the head. Seems that way sometimes. Even Diana mentioned something about how therapy should be seen as something that has an endpoint. I guess for me, that's death.
Oh well. I guess it could be worse. I could be getting high still and causing even more wreckage than I am sober - which, thankfully, doesn't seem to be that much. Of course, I am extremely hard on and critical of myself, and that doesn't help. I need to remember to talk to Diana about that too - the fact that I feel bad about having to keep going to see her. Seems like she had told me something awhile back about it being ok to keep seeing someone - but obviously I need to hear it again.
I'm tired, and planning on heading home and going straight to bed. I think I am over-tired and that is contributing to the way I am feeling. Hopefully, a good night of sleep and I will be clearer mentally. That, combined with an appointment with Diana tomorrow night ought to be some good medicine. Then, maybe Deb and I can get back in synch. This week has been a bit painful, and now that I am sober, I don't like pain so much.
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