Latest Galen update

This is taken from an email I sent Heather this morning (why rewrite all this, right?) :

 I have had a pretty rough week myself, although things finally turned around a bit yesterday. My son was gone all weekend - which I expected. But then I didn't hear from him all day Monday, so I started getting concerned that he wouldn't make the appt. I had made with a psychiatrist for him to get evaluated. I went to his school Tuesday to talk to him, but he didn't go to class. So I texted a couple of his friends (I had taken his phone away) and said that he needed to get in touch with me or I was going to report him as a runaway. Lo and behold, about 15 minutes later, I got a text from him.

I told him that I thought it would be best if he came home and stayed Tuesday night so we could go the appt, and that we would decide what to do after. The psychiatrist we met with was really good, and to my great relief, she agreed with me that it doesn't really seem like he has ADHD - she is more inclined to think it is a mood disorder, and prescribed something to help with that. I told Galen that I thought he ought to stay at home for the first 2 weeks, after which we were scheduled to go in for a follow up, and then after that, if he still wanted to leave, he could. He agreed, and that was somewhat of a relief.

So last night, as I was getting ready for bed, he came in and basically apologized and said that he wanted to stay at home, even after the 2 weeks between now and the follow up, and that he really wanted to try to turn things around. I told him that words were just words, and that is was actions that counted. He agreed, we hugged, said I love you's, and went to bed. So, after everything, it sounds like we may have gotten through to him - again, for the moment. I am really hoping this medication can help stabilize his moods a bit and help him to sleep better. I didn't realize it, but he hasn't been getting very good sleep for some time, and that can really play hell with a person's moods. That is one major benefit of this medication too - it is taken at night, and supposed to make a person a little drowsy. So we'll see how it works.

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And that about sums it up. I was starting to get a little down last night (before the whole "hug" thing). But fortunately I had an appt scheduled with Diana, and I think it really helped a lot. I am very happy with the progress I have made, and the fact that I was able to avoid going down the whole 'what did I do wrong?' road. And I think talking things through with Diana (while hooked up to the EMDR) helped quite a bit. It was also nice to hear her suggest to let Galen have his weekends as long as he goes to school and passes his classes. Because I was planning on that, but wasn't confident that it was the "good parent" thing to do - thought maybe I was just being selfish in not wanting to have to try to deal with his sighs and grumbles from having to stay home all weekend. With Diana actually suggesting it, I felt a big sense of relief. She even went a step further and suggested maybe giving him some extra time on Wednesday nights to stay out a bit later.

Basically the message I got from her was that it's important to get him to 'buy in' to all this, and that it might be worth the risk to let him go out on weekends and "smoke pot and have sex" as Diana said, if it helps to get him to go to school and actually pass his classes. I was actually quite surprised to hear her put it like that. At the same time, it was music to my ears, because I could see how that might actually work, and avoid the situation of him being angry and resentful all the time for not getting to do what he wants, in addition to allowing me to have some time on the weekends to wind down and do my own thing. The real goal, as I stated to her, was to get him to graduate high school. What happens after that, when he is a legal adult, well, that will be up to him.

So today, I am feeling much relieved, happier about the whole situation, and grateful for the way things have worked out - all  the way around; from Diana's suggestions and the peace I can see them bringing; to Galen's coming around and saying that he did care and that he wants to be home; to all the friends I have like Ty and Heather, Doug, Todd and others who reassured me that I am a good dad; to myself - my Highest Self that has taken the time to really love, accept and work on those places inside that have needed healing for so long. Thank you God, thank you Universe, and thank you Kevin : )

What a difference a weekend can make

So it's not news to know that I was feeling pretty depressed for most of last week. I had my appt with Diana Thursday and felt better after. Friday was a short day at work, and a day that saw Jennifer come over to my desk, look over the Better Together app, and tell me it looked very nice. All that was very good, and served to really start pulling me out of my depression. Little did I know that the events of the weekend would continue that trend, and in ways I could not have imagined.

It started off with getting a text Friday evening from Paul Fischer inviting me to dinner before the meeting with him and some other guys. I accepted, and was very flattered and grateful to have been invited, as Paul has a lot of sobriety, and I always like what he shares. I like what he's got. Not long after accepting that invite, I got a call from John Ybarra from work. He told me that he and his wife Marie were going to go to Spinato's over by where I live, and they were wondering if I would like to join them. I told him I would love to, but that I had already accepted a dinner invite from another friend. I mentioned that if they went out again sometime though, to let me know, and I would love to join them.

So I met Paul for dinner, and there were about 5 other people there - Jim Akridge, Chris, Harvey, a guy named Earl, and a really cool guy named Jon S whom I had never met before. We engaged in some great convo, and it was really cool to spend some time with everyone outside of the meeting. I got Jon's phone number and told him maybe we could get coffee sometime, as he lives over off of 7th ave and Bethany. All in all, it was a great night.

So then Saturday, I am running around doing some small errands, and John calls me again and says that he and Marie are going to that seafood place he's told me about on 19th ave, and wanted to know if I wanted to meet them there for lunch. I told them I would love to, and so we met there, and I had some AWESOME tilapia, the best I have ever had. It was great to visit with them outside of work, and they are really fun to hang out with. To top it all off, Marie even treated, which I thought was fantastic! I very rarely get treated out, or at least it seems that way. John invited me over to their place after, so I finally got to see where they live. I hung out for a few (about an hour or so) and we visited. It was really, really nice, and very relaxing. They are some good people for sure.

Then Sunday, I got a message through Facebook from an old college bud, Michael Guinto, asking if maybe I wanted to meet for coffee on Monday. Fortunately, the kids were gone all weekend - Tessi at her Mom's, and Galen at a friend's, so I was able to say "yes" without hesitating. Later that night, I decided, off the cuff, to go to a CA meeting at Crossroads East, "Diet Coke," and when I walked in, lo and behold, but who was sitting there??? Sharon! I could hardly believe it - it was hilarious. We had been talking about getting together for coffee, but hadn't made it happen yet. Well, after the meeting, we headed to Starbucks, and sat and chatted for over 2 hours. It was really great to catch up, and we both agreed that we need to get our old movie thing going again.

Monday morning, I got ready, and went to meet Mikey at AZ Mills. We had a little coffee at Starbucks, and he suggested we go get some lunch. I told him I wasn't that hungry, but that it sounded good to hang out. So he took me to this restaurant he likes called Sun Asian, and we ate lunch together. And, for the second time in the weekend, I got treated, as he paid for lunch! Then we went over to his place, and he hooked his laptop up and showed me some LINQ stuff on his laptop. It was really cool, and very informative. After that, we sat and chatted about all kinds of stuff  - depression, "What the Bleep Do We Know?", self help stuff, quantum physics - it was awesome, and we had some great convo. I told him that we need to get together again, and he agreed.

And so, it was a weekend filled with friends - many of whom I didn't even realize were such good friends, like Paul, Mikey, John... It was as if God knew I really needed to be around some good people, and he put them all right there in my life for me, just when I needed it most. And I was - I am - SOOOO grateful for it, I truly am. My typical MO would have been to just spend most of the weekend alone, trying to stay busy so I didn't feel lonely. But out of the blue, and into my heart, came all these great people to share some of my time and my life with. Wow.... it's just so cool, and so awe-inspiring. Last night, I was telling Tessi about it when we had gotten home, and she said, "well, you're really nice and they probably wanted to spend some time with you." And indeed, I have to believe she was right. I guess I just need to remember that when I start feeling down, and reach out to some of these wonderful people. Lord knows, I'm sure glad they reached out to me...

Recapping Sunday's events

Yesterday, I was fairly shocked to receive a text from Barbara wishing me "good morning" and saying that she had been mulling over the idea of friendship, and how that might look. She also mentioned that she is extremely busy, with having 2 jobs and going to school, and that if she doesn't always get back to me in a timely manner, I shouldn't take it personal. I told her that I thought I could do that, and so it seems that we are going to be able to be friends after all, which is pretty cool. Because even though I thought she played some mind games - which she may not have meant to do - she is a nice woman who is very interesting to talk to and very spiritual. So I am pretty happy about that. And I would be lying if I said I had no hope or belief that her contacting me again might well indicate that she actually "misses" me to some extent, and that it might yet turn to something more one day. But I am not expecting that, nor am I putting all my hopes and expectations into it - I am just going to enjoy being friends.

I did end up meeting with Heather yesterday, and we talked for a good 2 hours. It was pretty emotional for her, and I think some of the stuff we talked about, esp. regarding parents, our addictions, our struggles and trials, really brought up some stuff that was painful for her. She teared up a couple of times, and I actually ended up reaching out and hugging and comforting her once, as she was very emotional, and I wanted her to know that I was there for her. I told her that she doesn't need to be alone all the time - that she can call me, and we can do some things together. I always liked Heather - she is a real, genuine person, and a total sweetheart.

Which reminds me that I want to send her an email and check in on her, so I think I will do that. All is going well in my life, other than the fact that I checked my APS bill this morning, and it is $330 for last month! That is just crazy, considering it was only $155 last month, and about $192 for July of last year. I called APS, but of course they said nothing was wrong, and that I should have my A/C unit serviced. So I am going to do that, and if the bill is still sky high next month, they gonna' have some 'splaining to do!!!

Proceed with Caution

I am pretty brain dead as far as coding goes so I thought I would hit the blog for a bit and capture some of my thoughts about the Ty situation. We went to a movie this Saturday and had a nice time. We saw "Shutter Island" and it was very good. It was nice hanging out together - we had lunch together first and got a chance to talk a bit.

She has been emailing regularly, and I am starting to get the distinct impression that she would like to get back together. She has mentioned a number of times that in her view, her marriage is somewhat in a state of flux, seeing as how her husband is deployed, and she is not sure how things will be when he gets home. Now, to incredibly shallow here, I have to say that if she was still in the shape she was when I last saw her, I would be very tempted to pursue something more with her. But she has gained some weight, and is not particularly attractive to me physically anymore. Mentally, we still click totally, and the conversations, emails and texts have been great.

I have been thinking that it is actually a blessing that she isn't the same body-wise as she used to be. I really don't want to be a 'home-wrecker.' And her son Terran has Asperger's, and what she tells me about him reminds me A LOT of Meghan. I honestly don't know if things would work out for us if we were to get together because of that. Based on past experience with Tina and Meghan, I think it would be difficult, to say the least.

As I write all this, I am thinking how shallow and judgemental I sound. But I have to be honest with myself. On top of all this, she still smokes cigarettes, and that is an issue I feel neither shallow or judgemental about it - it is unhealthy, and undesirable - periond. The other stuff, yeah, I feel a little bad about - but then again, not really. Because it is giving me an easy out - an automatic detractor from pursuing anything further (not like I would really need one, considering that fact that she is married). But it would take a lot more detracting if she still looked smokin' hot like she used to. She is still pretty, and I still like the look in her eyes, as well as her great personality.

And so I hope we can be friends and that she can avoid going nutty with all this. I have the distinct impression that she is starting to fall head over heels, and is setting things up to leave her husband - maybe not right away necessarily, but laying the foundation for the future. I don't know what it is with these married women who fall for me - sheez! It would be great if I could find a single lady who felt this way, that I felt the same way about.

So I am following the mantra "Proceed with Caution". I can only hope that she is following a simlar one herself.

Catching Up

Ok, so I left off on my last post right at the really good part. So I met Ty out at a place by where she works now, as a realtor, off of 83rd Ave and Thunderbird. We sat and had some tacos together, and just like in the old days, she talked my ear off, and I loved every minute of it. It is amazing how much she is still the same old Ty - witty, blazingly intelligent, brutally honest, and fun to talk to. She has gained a little weight, which I was at first surprised by - considering the fact that when I was last around her, Doug used to refer to her as being like a little elf, or pixie - she was so slight. But she is definitely the same Ty, and we shared that same connection we always did. If she wasn't married, I would be ecstatic, but being that she is, I am a little scared, to be honest.

Anyway, towards the end of our time together (about an hour and a hakf), I got my opportunity to make my formal amends to her, and to apologize for the way I left her. It was a very emotional moment, and I had already come to tears a couple of times before we even met just thinking about it. She got pretty teared up too, and when I looked in her eyes, I saw that same hurt and love that I remember seeing over 18 years ago, like we had just broken up 2 weeks ago. I wanted so much to just take her in my arms, and hug the pain right out of her. But I held back that urge, and we shared the moment, sitting across from one another, not really crying, but with tears welling in her eyes.

I did give her a great big hug - 2 actually - before I left, and I was so happy to know that she did not hate me anymore. In fact, from what she said, she never really did. She was just mad and hurt at the time, but over the years she had never thought anything but good thoughts about me. Since that evening (Monday, Feb 15th, 2010, for posterity) we have been in touch frequently through email and texting. I am really enjoying the communication, as she always did have a way to see me for who I am, and I generally believe the nice things she says about me - which is completely opposite my reaction to when other women say those things.

Of course, we have written and talked about old times, about things we each remember from back then, and things that reminded us of one another over the years. I am a little scared, as I said, because I get the distinct impression that she never stopped loving me, and that if I wanted to whisk her off her feet, I could. And for whatever reason, she still seems to have that strange power she had over me before - whenever I look deep into her eyes, I am just compelled to hold and protect her; to love her and keep her safe; to be her "knight in shining armor." And it is not some petty romaniticized feeling I am describing here. It may have been 18 years ago. But I have been around long enough and seen enough women to know that I don't feel that for just anyone.

So what does it all mean? It means that I want to be there for her as the best friend I can be, and with extreme caution and awareness. Lord knows, I would not want her to do anything that might cause her to leave her current husband, or anything remotely similar. I want to be her friend, and that's all. If she was single, I might consider dating her. But as it stands, it is a no go. Her husband is over in Afghanistan serving in the army, so I am sure she suffers some from being lonely. But I do not want to do anything to arouse suspicion in him, nor do I want to give her the impression that I want more than friendship.

And it will be a good learning experience for me. I would do well to learn how to be a friend - just a friend - to a married lady that I find attractive. That hasn't worked out too good - or it worked out way too good - in the past! I am taking this one day at a time, with gratitude and compassion. I am glad to have a dear friend back, and glad she is ok. I just want to do my part to make sure it stays that way...