Gone for awhile, but back again

It has been quite some time since I have really struggled with any real depression, but over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling that familiar old sensation of being stuck in the quagmire again. Turns out that even though being a business analyst is my dream job, and I really like working at GCU, the personality and behavior of the other BA on our team (Jay) has presented me with some real challenges. And normally, at least considering what 'normal' has been for the last year or two, that wouldn't be a big thing. But it has come to my attention that I have not been paying enough attention to, or spending enough time on my spiritual health, and as a result, I am really feeling the effects.

I have not been meditating at all for at least 3 or 4 months now, and I used to do it twice a day, most every day. I have been going to only one AA meeting a week, on Mondays, when I used to go every Friday as well. And I have not been posting to this blog at all, journaling - I have been telling myself  "I don't feel like doing that" stories. And I had not seen Diana for a one-on-one appt in a long time - I am thinking 2 or 3 months at least. All of this adds up to a recipe for depression for me. Oh, and I forgot another biggie - I have not been working out since moving to Mesa 2 weeks ago. That is HUGE, I know, because my depression really started subsiding when I started working out a couple of years ago.

Well, I took care of one of those things this morning after going home depressed yesterday after a misunderstanding with Debbie, and her suggesting it - that I go see Diana. So I scheduled an appt for 8am this morning. Also, I got online and found a couple of different Friday night AA meetings in Mesa, and I am going to hit one this Friday. As far as meditation, I am going to start doing that again too, even if only for 3 minutes at a time to start. I keep telling myself "I don't want to take the time" stories, thinking it will take too long. So if I start small, I can move up from there. As far as working out, I am considering getting some home gym equipment with income tax instead of another gym membership. There are only 2 gyms conveniently close to where I am living now, and I don't really dig either one too much. Not only that, but because of the time it takes me to commute now, I really don't want to spend that much extra time away from home each night, leaving Tessi alone.

So I have a plan to get back on track, and I am going to do just that. I am not sure how I got so off track (well yeah, I kinda' am - the move was a big part of it, but not all), but that is not as important as getting back on track. I just need to do it. And I am - starting today, with this post. My frame of mind has been hard on my relationship with Debbie too, and with the wedding coming in June, I want to be in as good a place as possible - not all twisted up in depression.

I am grateful for all the tools and gifts I have been given. I am grateful to be alive and sober. And I am grateful to be humble enough to admit that I need some help and willing enough to do what I can to get that help - some from others, and a whole lot from my Higher Power. Thanks to that HP and all those in my life who love and support me. Thanks to those who challenge me as well. And thanks to my self - that thing I call "me" that has persevered through this life, risen to many challenges, and been willing to improve, and work for that improvement time and time again. Here we go again - but this time, we're going up again.

How much is enough?

I know I'm really down when I don't even want to expend the energy to write about it. And I am really down today. Debbie and I have fallen into a pattern where, almost every Saturday night, she hits me with some "surprise" nugget of information she wants to talk about, and most often, it is something about how I'm not doing enough to show I love her, or I have said or done something that made her doubt, or something to that effect. It has led to several horrible Saturday nights in bed, where neither of us gets much sleep, and we both wake up feeling icky. Inevitably, we talk it over, and go on with the day. She seems to be able to get past it quickly. But because it always seems to be about ME, and what I am/am not doing, it lingers, and I end up feeling down Sunday, and most often times Monday too. Like today.

This last Saturday  (2 nights ago), we were heading to bed after having what I thought was a pretty good day. There was one little rough patch that occurred as a result of her following me on the freeway over to my place, her falling way behind, and me calling her to see if everything was ok. She got pissed, and said "ok, ok," and proceeded to speed right on past me as I sat on the side of the road waiting for her to catch up. When she got to my place, she wasn't happy - AT ALL - and it was evident. We went in my room for awhile, talked it out, and emerged ok. We went on with the day.

So when we were heading into bed, I had no reason to think that anything was wrong. And this is a major factor of these "Saturday night surprises" - they come out of NOWHERE; I am totally taken aback and they are completely unexpected. This time, we were laying down, I was getting ready to kiss and snuggle her, and I could tell when I looked at her, she wasn't happy. So I asked what was wrong.

She proceeded to mention that I had said some things that had exposed how I "really felt", and that she didn't think that I wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. She went on to say that we "wanted different things," and that it was ok, but she needed someone who wanted the same things she does. I was like "what the ....???" It all stemmed from a comment I had made earlier that day, about when Emilee turned 18, and 'if' we were still together, the things we might do. She interpreted the 'if' to mean that I had no intention of being with her 6 years from now, and that we just didn't want the same things.

Yyyyyeaaahhhhh... I was none too happy, and tried to explain that when I said that, it was more a matter of "who knows what's going to happen in 6 years? We may ALL be dead!" She mentioned that she got that, but that was a horrible thought, and again - we were obviously 2 very different people.

Now what pissed - and pisses  - me off, is ALL the shit I have done for and with her over the last 9 months, and 3 months especially. I have given her numerous gifts, put up with her lovely daughter who treats me like shit constantly, and put thousands of miles on my truck and bike to drive out to her place and spend as much time as possible with her. To add to all that, I have even talked in the last few weeks seriously of walking away from my mortgage so that we could get a place together. One might think, "wow, he must really be serious to be contemplating that." But not her. Apparently, it didn't mean jack shit.

At this point, I think it is only fair to mention that I know she is very scared of being hurt; I know she feels exposed and vulnerable, and much like I used to do, she is trying to push me away to avoid being hurt. Thing is, I too have those same fears; and I too have been hurt. But I am NOT pushing her away. And in fact, have really gone to bat to hang onto her.

But my arms, as well as my mind and my spirit, are getting tired. I am thinking we are at a crossroads in this relationship, and that if this cycle doesn't stop, it is going to be ME who asks for a break (she has brought that up SEVERAL times lately, that maybe we need a break; can't get more kharmic than that, eh? I now I had that coming). As much as I love her, I can't live this way again - on the seesaw of depression, on pins and needles, waiting for the next "surprise attack"; constantly having to fear her little bitch of a daughter (God forgive me) throwing a tantrum and ruining everyone's day. I am recovering from the crippling depression that has dogged me my whole life - or at least I WAS - and I don't want to go back there. But it seems as though I am going back there - every weekend lately. But no more.

We talked last night, and I got pretty 'real." I think she could tell how earnest I was. She again promised she wouldn't do it anymore. She has before though, so I am not real hopeful that she will stick to it this time. And I sent her an email about an hour ago that layed out my thoughts - about all the time, gas, money and energy I have spent lately to go out to her place 4-5 times a week. I just don't think she has appreciated it AT ALL. She comes out to my place for 1 day every 2 weeks, and I am out at hers for 8-10 days every 2 weeks. I didn't mind doing it for the longest time. But now, I am done for awhile.

I am a nice person, and I try to give my best to those I love. I try to be forgiving, understanding, and supportive. But I will not sacrifice my happiness or serenity for anyone - especially someone who not only doesn't appreciate what I do, but accuses me of not doing enough. I mentioned recently how she never gets me any gifts, thinking she would get me a little something. Has she? No. I have mentioned how much I would like her to get a pedicure. Has she? No. Well, I am done giving for awhile. She better figure shit out and get straight, or we are going to take a break. God knows, I feel like I could use one. And this used to be thet thing that gave me the most joy in life. Oy vey.

The year of my battered self-esteem (as far as the career goes anyway)

As good as this year has been in some respects - mainly, my relationship with Debbie - it has been incredibly difficult in other areas, particularly as far as my self-confidence in my professional abilities goes. I suppose I ought to give the "rundown/"

I think it really started when I was still at Banner, and a lady who was a bigwig in payroll or something lit into me in a meeting about the Better Together campaign after it was over regarding some issues that surfaced. Her name was Lisa Davis I think, and in a meeting with her, Camille Horn, Jennifer and Dawn, she RIPPED me, basically calling me out and blaming all of the issues on me. I was really expecting someone to stand up for me and defend me, especially after all I had done to ensure the success of the campaign. But that did not happen. I was basically left sitting there, getting ripped, and it felt horrible. My boss Al said that I shouldn't worry about it, that she didn't write my reviews, but it still stung.

I ended up leaving Banner for what I thought were "greener fields" at a company called Black, Gould and Associates. And right up until they told me I wasn't the "type pf person they needed," I thought things were going great - or at least well. Then, one Friday, Cindy called me into her office and asked me how I thought I was doing (I had been there 2 months at that time). I told her that, all things considered, I thought I was doign well. She then proceeded to tell me that she had different thoughts, that they had expected more from me, that they thought I was going to put all kinds of "bells and whistles" on their website, that I wasn't the "type of person they needed." I was totally taken aback, as they had given me no previous indication that they felt this way. She even brought Paul in to talk it over too, and he proceeded to basically tell me (in not so many words) that I was incompetent. That Monday, I was gone.

And I remained unemployed for an unprecedented 5 weeks. It turned out that while I thought I was quite a hot commodity, and that the skills I had learned were very valuable, I seemed to be lacking a LOT of skills that employers want. I went on a number of interviews and started to wonder if I was going to get a job at all. There were a couple of times when I really struggled to keep at it, to keep looking. But it seems that the Universe was looking out for me, and out of nowhere, I got an email from an internal recruiter from the company I now work for - Sage. And within 3 days of getting that email, I had been offered, and accepted a position.

So all is well, right? I feel good now, right? Well.... For starters, the software product I am working on is very large and complex, and it is really shedding light on some areas I don't know much about - TFS, unit testing, release builds, Q and A, etc. I am used to building websites which are pre-compiled and then published to a web server. And this is a WHOLE different animal. A bigger, more complex animal. And one that has behaviors and systems I have not seen before, like it's own IDE that is used to build and deploy the website. But I have done fairly well (I think) at getting up to speed. That was, until I started this latest training class Monday.

It is supposed to be a 3 day class, taken online with a virtual PC to do the exercises, a chat client for questions for the instructor, and a series of videos along with a pdf workbook for learning. I started yesterday, and worked steadily through the day, only to find that I had fallen a little behind the agenda. Not to worry, as they (the instructors) said that the agenda was merely a "guideline". Cool, I would catch up today I thought.

And then, shortly after completing the next exercise or 2, I ran into a major issue - the web page that I had been working on, and desperately needed to display, wouldn't : it kept saying something about a missing resource file. So I told Jason, the trainer, and he told me to close and reopen my browser. I did - no luck. He told me to delete all the files in the local www directory for the site I did - no luck. I told him, and he said to simply "delete the page", and that it shouldn't take that long. The page he was talking about had all kinds of stuff attached to it - there was no way I could just delete it. He didn't seem too concerned, and even got terse with me one time, saying "IISRESET" through chat. Not cool.

I got pretty stressed and pretty upset, as he basically told me he didn't know what happened. So I decided to do a restore back to a copy of the VFS that set me back about 4 hours, at least. I rushed through today after FINALLY getting the thing straightened out again, hoping to make up lost ground. But I could only do what I could do, and so I emailed Jason telling him that I was really behind and that I didn't know how I was going to finish the training. To which he replied, "I don't know what happened, but you need to finish the training and complete the assessment." Wow, thanks. Nice, I appreciate that.

Now what makes this all a little extra weird is the fact that he is an instructor at DeVry, and he knew of me, as I knew of him, although I had never taken any classes that he taught. I thought that might kind of add a bit of comraderie between us, but it seems like it is making him be a bit of an asshole - similar to the experience people have when they work for one of their parents - they are much harder on their kids than they are on others. I can't imagine he would be this way to some outside person taking the course.

And all that was enough. But then, in the chat window at the end of the day, some other guy is asking questions about the final project?!?! How in the HELL can that guy be that far already I'm asking myself...

CONTINUED - it's Friday now, I finally completed the course yesterday, and have been battling with depression and anxiety all week. I actually made an "emergency" appointment with Diana Tuesday night, and seemed to be doing a little better Wednesday. I came in and set to finishing up the workbook and project, working furiously, determined to get it done. And I did just that - cranked on getting it all completed. But when 3:30 Wednesday came around, and it looked like I was not going to get the hands-on portion done, I messaged Jason to let him know, and asked him what I should do. He asked me "so what's the plan," and I said the he could let me take the assessment without having completed the hands-on, considering that it says right in the workbook that the expectation may not be to actually finish it, but to submit a SOW and get it approved. I figured that given the technical difficulties I had, that would be fair.

BUT, that was not his thinking, and he proceeded to get a little snippy about it. I have the details save somewhere else, but suffice it to say that for some reason, he seemed to make it a very personal thing, made some rather terse comments, and even threatened to escalate to my manager. I was pretty blown away by all of it, as I thought this was supposed to be a TRAINING course, and that was how I approached it. But he made reference to the fact that I was an internal developer, and that's why he left me to figure out what happened on my own. He also said that was why he was "giving me more rope," and then got really defensive when I asked how a trainer would handle the situation (of facing major technical difficulties and falling behind as a result) if I were an outside customer.

So I stayed after work until about 5:30pm Wed night working on it after he agreed to leave the machine open for me, and had plans to even work on it at home. But the screen resolution would not allow me to see much of the VPC at all, and I sent him an email stating as much, asking if I could perhaps get on again Thursday morning to finish.

After all that, I was a little stressed and talked to Debbie about maybe going over to spend the night with her - thought maybe a little time with my sweetie would be comforting. But when I got there, and she opened the door, I could tell immediately that she was upset. Apparently, Emilee had let into her about me coming over, saying that she should have asked her about it first, that Debbie didn't listen to her, and that the relationship with me was going to end up just like the one with Fred did. I tried to convince her to not let it get to her, but I know how it is when someone upsets me like that - it's not as easy as just forgetting about it. She said that it wouldn't ruin the night though.

And it might not have. But for whatever reason, when we decided to head to bed, and Emilee finally emerged from the bedroom, I was triggered into a state of fear and depression. I almost felt like a kid again, like when my grandpa Everett was drunk, and I would get scared and try to avoid him. Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant thing to go to sleep thinking, and it was a rough night.

Wow, this post could go on forever. But suffice it to say that I was very depressed yesterday, I think Jason basically told on me to my manager John, who came over and nicely (really) explained some things to me,I did finally finish the hands-on project, and I went to see Diana again last night. Today, I am feeling somewhat better, and though not 100%, am much better than I have been all week. I am still considering whether or not I want to stay in software development for my career, but that is a decision I can come to gradually now - I am through the "panic-get me the hell out of here" mode, which is a relief. And I went to lunch with a couple of the guys here today, Cameron and Michael, and that was nice, so that is cool.

Tomorrow morning, my AA homegroup is doing the hospitality at the Roundup at 7am, then the meeting at 8 after, and I plan on being there. Then, at 11am, I am going to DeVry to sit on a panel for an open house they are having. When I was really depressed yesterday, I sent Deena an email cancelling, as I didn't figure they would want someone there who was thinking of getting out of the field entirely. But I thought how selfish and inconsiderate that was and reconsidered. So I will be there at 10:45. I am supposed to take Tessi school shopping tomorrow afternoon, and of course will spend as much of the weekend as possible with Debbie.

I am hoping that it will be a nice weekend, filled with healing, and the company of loved ones. I am hoping that the worst of the depression and anxiety is behind me, and I can get back on track again - even if I do decide eventually to change career paths, and/or walk away from my condo (another thing I have been leaning towards). The thing is, I don't want to act impulsively out of fear like I used to. And by God's Grace, a good counsellor, AA, and my wonderful girlfriend (as well as a little bit coming from myself, and the tools I have learned), I was able to avoid doing that. I have to remember how huge that is for me, even now. Because I REALLY wanted to run - just run and hide. But I didn't. I'm still  here to face another day, and for that, I am grateful (ok, so I am not totally feeling that just yet - but I'm getting there! Lol)

Communication - tricky this week

This has been one of those weeks where it seems like Debbie and I just can't seem to communicate in a smooth, effortless fashion like we so often do. It has been a week filled with misunderstandings, confused thoughts and icky feelings. And considering the fact that yesterday was her birthday, the timing couldn't have been much worse. But let's start at the start.

Monday night I called her before bed as I do most every night we don't see each other in person. We talked for awhile, and although the conversation at times seemed a little stilted because Kyrsten was bugging her a bit, I thought it went fairly well. After about 15 minutes, it seemed like Kyrsten was getting increasingly needy, and being that it was almost 9:15pm, I figured Deb would be putting her to bed soon. So I told her that we could go ahead and wrap up, that she would probably need to attend to Kyrsten. She seemed to get a little upset at that, and proceeded to hastily say goodbye and basically click me off. Yyyyeaahhh...

I didn't think too much of it - thought she was probably a little stressed with Kyrsten bugging her as she was trying to talk, and chalked it up to her being frustrated. I later texted her "good night" and got back a pretty brief response from her. I thought she might have been stressed, so I texted something about hoping she didn't have too tough an evening. I didn't hear anything back, but sent another one saying something like 'hope all is ok - sleep well'. Again, didn't hear anything back. I didn't think too much of it, but it was a little off-putting.

Tuesday was her birthday, and I started off by sending her a text early, like around 6:30 or so, saying Happy Birthday. She replied, about an hour later, but it was a little short. We then IM'd back and forth,but things just didn't seem "right". So I told her maybe it would be good if we talked. We did, and she ended up telling me that she had told herself stories Monday night that I didn't want to talk to her - didn't want to hear what she had to say, and didn't care. That's why she basically clicked me off - she was upset with me. Of course, that is not what I meant to convey at all, but that's what she thought. I explained that wasn't what I meant to convey, apologized for my part in it, we said "I love you's," and all was well. Or so I thought.

As we continued to IM yesterday morning, it seemed as if there was a general tone of 'meanness' to some of her messages - one that culminated in her saying that she too "preferred blondes" after I made a reference to that old Farrah Fawcett poster from the 70's. This time, it was me who got butt hurt, and I let her know. We eneded up talking again later (I think - or maybe we just IM'd), and she told me that she hadn't meant it to be that way, that she was truly joking. I really thought that maybe she was still a little mad at me, even if only sub-consciously, but she swore she wasn't, and we decided mutually to "start the day over".

That worked well, we met for coffee at Starbucks last night and had a nice long talk about everything. We agreed that we would both work on improving communication as best we could and that we would re-double our efforts to not keep anything from each other. Although there were some rather tense moments, it all worked out well, and I came away feeling we had strengthened our relationship. Until this morning.

So today, I texted her first thing this morning, as always, and said my "good morning". She texted back - we were off to a great start. I got on gmail and expected to see her pop up on chat around 9, like usual. When she didn't by 9:15, I sent her a text asking where oh where she could be. I didn't hear anything back by 9:30, so I texted her again. I still didn't hear anything back, so I finally called her around 9:45 asking if she was ok. She was - it it turned out her computer had issues this morning and she wasn't able to get on the Internet. I of course wanted to know why she didn't respond to my texts, and apparently, her inbox on her phone was full, preventing her from texting. She explained that all, and I started feeling pretty bad about myself. It seems that, once again, the old spectre of "false communication expectations" that has been haunting me for the last several years is back. Once again, I find myself upset about something that is really nothing at all to be upset about : it is merely a manifestation of my completely distorted and unrealistic expectations. And so, I am bumming, because I am SICK of this popping up all the time.

I recognized my part in it, apologized profusely, and am now feeling pretty down. Of course, I am not happy about the fact that it is I who has the problem here either. Yes, I know logically that I am "in the wrong". Diana has told me as much many times. But it still pisses me off and depresses me somewhat. My ego gets involved, and I don't WANT to be the one who is in the wrong, AGAIN. But, then again, I don't want to be in the right either, because then she gets upset with and down on herself, and I feel responsible. It is such a double-edged sword. Man, relationships are so tricky. And even though this is, by FAR, the best I've ever had, it is still extrmely tricky. I know that I can be overly-sensitive, and it has been my experience that she can too. The combination of both can be quite the minefield to walk through.

Thank goodness, I have an appt with Diana tomorrow night. The timing simply could not be better, as I am thinking I really need another "mental tuneup," esp as far as my communication issues go. It's funny just how often the appointments with her just happen to fall during times when they are SO needed. And not by plan or anything - purely coincidentally. Either that, or it's just that I am that needy, and no matter when they fall, I would need it. Ugh. That's the one thing I really don't like about it - that I KEEP needing it. Maybe I am perma-fucked in the head. Seems that way sometimes. Even Diana mentioned something about how therapy should be seen as something that has an endpoint. I guess for me, that's death.

Oh well. I guess it could be worse. I could be getting high still and causing even more wreckage than I am sober - which, thankfully, doesn't seem to be that much. Of course, I am extremely hard on and critical of myself, and that doesn't help. I need to remember to talk to Diana about that too - the fact that I feel bad about having to keep going to see her. Seems like she had told me something awhile back about it being ok to keep seeing someone - but obviously I need to hear it again.

I'm tired, and planning on heading home and going straight to bed. I think I am over-tired and that is contributing to the way I am feeling. Hopefully, a good night of sleep and I will be clearer mentally. That, combined with an appointment with Diana tomorrow night ought to be some good medicine. Then, maybe Deb and I can get back in synch. This week has been a bit painful, and now that I am sober, I don't like pain so much.

A true case of "the Mondays"

Wow - what to say about this weekend; yesterday primarily. It started out wonderfully - Debbie and I laying in her bed snuggling for a long time. It was so comfortable and warm. Then we took a shower and got ready for the day. At about 11am, Fred came over to pick up Kyrsten. He and Debbie were talking, and he mentioned that he was taking his mom out to Souper Salad. Debbie asked him if he had a coupon, that she had seen one for a free meal, or buy one get one free or something. He said he didn't, and she kept asking if he wanted to get on the computer to see if he could find it, if he wanted her to look around, if he could find it on his phone, etc. It was all innocent enough in reality. But in the unreality of my head, it wasn't cool that she was going so overboard to try to help him get that coupon. I felt a little "left out," so I retreated to her room to surf the net (and pout). I got even more upset when I heard her ask if he wanted to go in and use the computer, thinking "Is she really going to kick me off so he can come use it?" How dare she! Doesn't she know who I am? (I was going to 'lol' that, but I am still reeling from yesterday a bit - not that part either - so it's a little too soon still).

So after Fred left, I was a little butt hurt. We talked about it for a little bit, and although I was still stinging, I told her I wanted Mother's Day to be nice for her, so I still wanted to go out to breakfast. We loaded Kyrsten up (Emilee didn't want to go) and headed to The Good Egg. For the first little while we were there, I was still a little cold, and I could tell it was affecting her. The waiter was a little high strung and pressured her while ordering, and she got really upset, started to shut down. I decided to ease up and told her about the concept of 'starting the day over' in AA, and suggested that we do so. She agreed that it sounded like a good idea, and so we did that.

Things seem to be going much better after that. We decided to stop in at Old Navy and get Kysrten some flip flops so she didn't have to wear her shoes constantly. She seemed to like them, and we headed off to Wal Mart. That ended up being pretty traumatic as well, because Kyrsten threw a bit of a fit in the toy dept, and from there all the way to the car (which was a LONG walk in that Wal Mart) she kept losing her flip flops, making a big deal of it, crying, refusing to let us take them off so she could walk barefoot, refusing to let Debbie carry her, etc. We finally did manage to get out of there, and I thought that we were still doing well.

Later, I ran home to get some more clothes, as I had planned on staying another night (Sunday night) because Tessi was going to stay at Carrie's. When I got back to Debbie's, Megan, Mike and Evan were there. To my pleasant surprise, things went very well, and Megan, Debbie and I had some nice conversation. I even played with Evan for a little while, and Mike managed to not really say anything. I was really happy that it went so well, and thought Debbie probably was too. And, she probably was -

right up until I asked her something - something I honestly did not mean in any hurtful or critcizing way : I asked her why she didn't wear regular panties. She wears these undergarments that kinda's resemble spandex shorts, and I have never really dated a woman who wore them before, so I was curious. Well, it was the WRONG question to ask - she got very upset (the quiet, hurt kind of upset) and ended up saying "I wear them because I am fat and ugly." From what she said, they are to "smooth out" some areas, and that a lot of women at her work wear them. She also went on to say that she has had 4 kids, is always going to be curvy, and that maybe I needed some other woman who could wear skimpy clothes. I was pretty taken aback, as I only asked her a question. Sure, I might have thought that there were some "support" reasons she wore them- but what I really wanted to know was why she never wore regular panties. And I DEFINITELY did not ask her to hurt her.

But that ended up setting the tone for the rest of the night. We went out to El Pollo Loco, where I had to keep asking her to sit closer to me - she was sitting much farther away than normal. There was a skinny little stray dog there, and that seemed to really upset her too. I tried to be comforting about that, but it didn't seem to help. When we got back to her place, she was still quiet and distant, and I finally ended up asking her if she wanted me to leave. In some sense, she said 'yes',  because she really didn't answer, but just looked at me. I didn't want to leave because I love her and knew it would end up upsetting her even more probably. In hindsight, maybe I should have left.

We went to bed, and it was very tense. It took me awhile to get to sleep, and her too. It was a very restless night of sleep, and I am really tired today. She was still very pensive this morning, and I got to work not feeling to good about all this. We IM'd a bit awhile ago, but I was pretty cranky during it and told her as much. We might talk tonight on the phone, but I put it back on her - told her if she wanted to talk, she could call. I'm not really sure what that call will be like.

Personally, I think she has some PMS thing going on, as I have noticed that for about a week every month, communication is treacherous. I even asked last night, but she said she isn't due to start for another week or 2. I am thinking maybe she is going to start sooner than she thinks, and we can chalk it up to that. But even if that is the case, we are going to need to fugure something out - someway to deal with this on a long term basis. If we are going to live together, I can't be in the doghouse for a week every month (and maybe it's not an entire week - more like 4 or 5 days) I think it is something I am definitely going to talk to Diana about, because I just don't like drama anymore. Of course, she has even said - and is probably entirely correct - that that's what women are, that's what they do, and I am going to have to accept that. Wow - and I have to figure out how to do that sober? Lord help me!

Gesture of love and kindness

Just a little mini-update here : yesterday morning while we were talking on the phone, Debbie offered to come over and see me before I had to go to my HOA meeting. I took her up on it, and we met at the Starbucks on 7th ave and Missouri for about an hour. It was really, really good to be able to meet and talk in person, and I was - I am - so grateful that she came over to my side of town so we could do that.

I think that is another perfect example of just why I love her so much : because she is willing to go out of her way to make sure I am ok, and to make sure that I know how much she cares about me. I sometimes think of things in absolutes, and when it comes to comparing present experiences with past ones, that seems to hold true. I often find myself thinking "no one has EVER done this for me before," "no one was EVER good to me like this", etc. In fact, chances are that some of my past girlfriends were, and I just was not able to see it at those times. So maybe I am a little overly biased when it comes to this stuff.

But whatever the case may be, she definitely seems to know more often than not exaclty what my heart and head need to feel loved and cared for. And that is absolutely precious to me. This woman is THE most beautiful woman I have ever dated (on this, I am sure!) and to think that she is also the most loving and carig - well, what a miraculous blessing that is.

What a difference a day makes, eh?

Trust issues...?

I titled this post that way because I am not really sure how to describe the latest little situation that occurred between Debbie and I. So, I will just lay it out, and then maybe a fitting title will reveal itself. I spent the night over at her place Friday night and we had a very nice time. She came over to my place Saturday night, and again, we had a nice time. I was a little concerned that she would have to go home early again this Sunday as she so often has to when she comes over to my place, but she received a text from Megan early Sunday morning saying that they (Megan, Mike, Evan and Emilee) were all up very late and would be sleeping most of the day. In her words, she told Debbie "you are off the hook" - meaning that we 'should' have most of the day together.

We made breakfast together at my place which was really fun (French toast and bacon). Then, we took Tessi to get some new sandals (KK came along too, as she had spent the night). While we were out shopping, Deb got a call from Megan (about 1pm). From what I could hear, Megan wanted her mom to bring her some Starbucks when she came to pick Emilee up. I figured that since she was calling and asking Debbie to do that, it meant that she was expecting her to be leaving my place soon. So after we got Tesss sandals, we headed back to our place. On the way back, I told Debbie that if she had to leave to get Emilee, I totally understood, thinking that she might be upset that she had to leave as she sometimes gets.

When we got back to our place, she started packing her stuff up. I went in and asked her if she needed any help carrying stuff down to her car. I then realized that she was very cold, and pulling away as she has done several times before. I asked her what was wrong, and she did something she used to do a lot (we talked about it awhile back, and she has been better since then, after promising me she would tell me if anything was ever wrong) which was say "nothing." Of course I knew SOMETHING was up, as she wouldn't even give me a real kiss. I kept pushing for her to tell me what was wrong, but she was sticking to the 'nothing' thing.

After finishing getting her stuff ready, she hurried for the door. I said "Let me walk you down babe", to which she replied, "No, it's ok. You don't have to." Now it was very obvious that something was wrong, and I was not feeling good about it at all. So I kept pressing her as we walked down the car, basically begging her to tell me what was wrong. I mean, I just couldn't think of anything I had done. The weekend had been wonderful, all the way around. After kissing good bye - a very tight, strained kiss, nothing like normal - she hopped in her car and sped away. Again, I knew something was wrong, as she normally never leaves this way.

So a little while after she left, I texted her to ask about it. It was some time - an hour or 2 - before she finally texted me back. When she did, the answer was again something akin to "nothing". So I called her. It turned out that she wasn't really ready to leave when we got back to my place; that she wanted to stay and watch some of the movie; that she didn't need to leave to get Emilee immediately after getting home; and - this is the clincher, the root of the upset - she thought that she had 'overstayed her welcome' and that I wanted her to leave. My response to this was "WHAT??? Why in the world would you think that?" She had thought that since I was asking her if she needed any help carrying her stuff down to her car that I was basically ushering her out the door. And it didn't help that I didn't actually ask her if she had to leave, but assumed, based on past experiences.

We talked for a long while on the phone, and I reassured her that I never WANT her to leave, and that if she had told me that she didn't have to at that time, I would loved for her to have stayed. I was a little disappointed to realize that she still had some obvious doubts about the way I felt about her. To me, it seemed as though she didn't really trust how much I loved her and all the times I told her that I wanted to spend all the time with her I could. So yesterday morning after I got to work, I sent her a long email explaining all of that : how I felt about her, how her actions caused me to question her trust in me, how much I wanted to move in together, and how there were many, many considerations that needed to be tended to before that could happen, but that it didn't mean that I didn't want with all my heart for it to happen. I think it resonated with her, and she later sent me a text saying as much. All better, right? Well, not quite.

Today, Emilee's dad is in town to spend the day with Emilee to celebrate her birthday (which was a couple of weeks ago) and take her out shopping. Because he supposedly doesn't know his way around Chandler or Gilbert, he wants Debbie to spend the day with them, taking them around to the various places. Now when she first told me about this, I didn't really like the sound of it. To me, he's a grown man, and really ought to be able to find his way around a different city.But after talking it over with Debbie, and her reassuring me about it, and the wonderful times we have had over the last few weeks, I had gotten to a place of peace and acceptance about it.

Then, that situation happened Sunday, and now, that is the last thing I have to go on as far as interations between us go. And now this morning, I am again not really feeling too good about her spending the day with her ex. I guess I have some fear of some type of "you hurt me, now I'll hurt you" type of dynamic occurring. We talked on the phone last night, and she was very apologetic about the whole situation on Sunday and admitted that she needed to change some things. And although that gives me some comfort, I am still in a bit of a funk this morning. I texted her to say that I hoped she Emilee, and Emilee's dad had a nice day together - a thinly veiled jab at the fact she was going to be spending the day with him. She texted back saying that she would much rather spend the day with me. Still, I am not feeling real good about it.

What can I do? Well, I could pray about it. However, to be honest, I really don't pray much anymore. I'm not sure exactly why. I guess I think it's a little strange praying to some Higher Power about stuff, when that HP must know already what I am thinking and feeling and what it is I need. I meditate quite a bit now, and that seems to have taken the place of prayer. Maybe I am missing the boat on this one and need to bring some prayer back into my life. Maybe this is a good suibject to start with, a perfect place to re-discover prayer. I am also using my rational self analysis skills and trying to look at the situation rationally : I mean, it's not like Debbie and her ex would really do anything with Emilee around, right? And I honestly don't think Debbie is the kind of person who would do anything like that anyway, despite the fear and insecurity I am now feeling.

Just writing this and getting it out is helping a lot. One thing I have learned over the years is that it is much better to get this stuff out on paper (or bits, or whatever) than it is to let it bounce around inside my head. It may not actually heal the negative thoughts or anything, but it does help me to 'see' those thoughts, and to be able to go back over them and analyze them a bit more objectively. Oh yeah - and I just remembered - I need to BREATHE..... Yes, I need to take a deeeeeeep breathe, and realize that everything is going to be ok; that my head likes to make crises out of small things; and that Debbie is a good person and a good woman who is not going to do anything to hurt me today with her ex. These things I need to remember - these things I need to breathe in...

March Update

Wow - as so often seems to happen, it looks like it has been awhile since my last post. I suppose I ought to address some of the "outstanding issues" from my last post. First off, I was (very happily) able to get that busted bolt out of the hole. I think it was the very night after I posted, or maybe the next one. I bought a new pair of REAL Vice Grips, went out there and whacked the stud with a framing hammer a few times, locked on and started rotating back and forth. Then, that magical moment came when I felt it give way.... ahhhh.... the sweetness of that feeling! To make things even better, instead of having to wait for the part I ordered to arrive (in fact, it STILL hasn't come - have to send an email about that), I got some advice on the forum to go down to good ol' Ace Hardware. So I did, and whaddya' know - they had just what I needed. So I was able to get the busted stud out, put the new one on, and get back on my bike within 2 days of that last post. Yeaahhhh!

Next, I am sitting here at my desk at my new job at Black, Gould and Associates (actually the 'arm' I work for is called AGB Business Services - the software side of the company) and I am loving it. The people are every bit as nice as I had hoped they would be, and the equipment I am using is leagues above what I had to work with at Banner. My PC here has 8GB of memory - at Banner, I think I had 2, maybe 3. The benefits are awesome too. And speaking of beneifts, there is a really nice sports club right across the street that I joined last Friday. Yesterday was my first workout, and the place is awesome. Tons of machines, no waiting, full facilities with full basketball court, shower/locker room, hot tub, sauna, even towel service is included. Now, I can get back to a regular workout schedule. And it's really nice to think that I don't have to work around the 'closed' hours like I did at Banner. As a regular club, it's open 7 days a week, and at hours that will allow me to work out M-W-F, which is what I prefer.

On the relationship front, things with Debbie and I have been getting better and better. It seems I am even more in love with her now than I was before, and that love is only growing stronger. We have been learning to communicate better and the amount of time we spend in confusion, or being upset, is growing less and less with each passing day. I really, really want to be with her even more - to live together. I am not quite sure how to accomplish that, seeing as how I am in a mortgage that I am so  upside down on. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try and think of some options - and to pray like hell about it! Ha ha! And I would be remiss if I didn't say that sex with her is absolutely incredible. It too just keeps getting better and better, and she pleases me in ways no other woman has, and ways that I wasn't even sure were possible. Talk about grateful.

I guess a nice topic to wrap this up with is probably the most important of all : on March 24th, I celebrated 8 years of continuous sobriety. It is such a miracle, and an absolute blessing. It is only because I am sober that all of these other blessings are even possible, and I never want to forget that. I was thinking yesterday just how 'rich' I am. I have a nice motorcycle, a nice truck, a nice place to live, a great job - all the material things a person could want. And then I have 2 wonderful, healthy children, a great brother and his family, and a beautiful, wonderful woman to share my life with. I truly am living a dream that I never thought possible, and I am so, so thankful to the God of my understanding for all the good stuff. Oh, and I have a sponsee now too. His name is Holmes. God help him! Lol!  : )

A definite case of the Mondays

I guess I probably ought to start by noting the fact that I was offered the position at Black, Gould and Assoc and accepted it happily. My las day at Banner is March 16th, and I start there on March 21st. I am really looking forward to the new opportunity. I get to dress casual - and not business casual, but casual casual - jeans, polos (maybe even t-shirts) and tennies. Very cool! I used to think I really liked dressing business casual. And as far as the ego stuff goes, that's probably true - I think I look sharp. But as far as the laundry part of it goes, and the having to coordinate pants/shirts/shoes/socks, I am looking forward to the fact that anything matches blue jeans! So yeah, I am happy and grateful to have landed that job.

In other news, I am bumming a bit about my bike, as I am not able to ride it currently. I was attempting to take the right side exhaust off to put on a highway peg cruising mount I bought from Chad from vn750 forum, and when I attempted to remove the second cap nut, it snapped off, leaving the rusted stud poking out of the exhaust mount. I have been saoking it for the last 3 days with PB Blaster on the advice on some guys in the forum, hoping I can coax it out with some Vice Grips, then simply put a new one in (which I ordered this morning). If that doesn't work, I will either have to attempt to drill and retap the hole myself or replace the entire manifold. Any way it goes, it's probably going to be at least a week before I'm on it again. No fun :( And to think I was simply trying to add a nice add-on. Oh well.

I am actually kinda' bumming a bit today. I had a really nice weekend with Debbie (Tessi and I went out and spent the night with her and Emilee Saturday night) and up until about 9pm last night, I was in a great mood. But then I called Debbie, and I guess the best way to put it is that we had a very stilted conversation in which she got really defensive about her parenting skills and seemed to be extremely tired. It seemed to me almost like she was mad at me or something, and it was pretty damn confusing after such a nice weekend. She mentioned that Emilee wasn't feeling well and that Kyrsten had come home and gotten sick, so her ex took Kyrsten back with him. I asked her, out of mere curiosity, why the ex had taken Kyrsten, why she didn't just stay, and Debbie got very upset and defensive. I think something may have gone down between her and Fred (her ex) that left her feeling insecure about her parenting or otherwise defensive.

In any case, I told her she sounded really tired, and that we could just talk tomorrow. Before I went to bed, I sent her an email (rather cold one) stating that I didn't understand what happened, and that I was really confused. I then meditated for awhile and managed to drift off to sleep. About 11:30pm, the phone rang, and it was Debbie. She asked me if we were ok - mentioned that the email was very cold, didn't have any "I love yous" or anything and that she was concerned. I was half-asleep, but tried to explain my point. She ended up saying that she could have been defensive and apologized for it. I told her I was more confused than anything and apologized for being as cold as I was. We ended up saying "I love yous" and the normal good night stuff.

Today, I am feeling pretty bummed out. It is starting to seem like every time we have a really awesome time, it is always followed by some unexplainable emotional upset. It is rather like being on an emotional yo-yo, and every time I think the up/down cycle is starting to wane, something like this happens, and I feel like I am right back in that horrible swing, back and forth, from joy to sadness, from security to confusion. We have talked about it a number of times, and I do think it is getting better. I am just wondering if it is something I will always have to deal with in being with Debbie. I love her, and she is by far the best woman I have ever dated. I have every intention of staying with her. But if this is a pattern that continues, I am going to need to find a way to detach myself emotionally from it, or at least process it differently, so I can avoid withdrawing (like I am today) or even worse, lashing out emotionally.

Fortunately, as has so often been the case, I have an appointment with Diana at a time when it is truly needed - this Wednesday. I now have something to talk about with her, as I am really having a hard time with this. The happiness of being with Debbie is as great as I have ever experienced. But this sadness and confusion that comes in situations like this, it is starting to bring me back to that place of depression where I feel hopeless and unhappy - like nothing I do is going to change this. And I don't want to keep swinging from one to the other. I would actually rather just be unhappy all the time than to swing from such extreme happiness back down into unhappiness. Not a ride I enjoy taking.

So I guess we'll see what happens. I have to admit that during my meditation last night, I tried to focus on the impermanence of things in this world and to get in touch with my innermost self, that self which exists beyond this physical body and is part of the greater Source of Life from which we all get out consciousness. It was rather liberating too, and had a very calming effect. In the end, I know that all of my concerns, worries, troubles and tribulations are just drops in the universla bucket and merely experiences that I am having on my way to enlightenment, none intrinsically more important than the other, but all leading me to my ultimate truth.  Today, I will take refuge in the Dhamma in the truest sense of the word. And for that awareness, I am eternally grateful.

Catching up

I guess it has been awhile since I posted to this blog, my "online journal." I have been posting a lot of my random thoughts to my new blog, "The Thought Buffet," but haven't included too much personal stuff. So it's probably a good time to catch up. That, and I think I need to write about some stuff to help get it out.

Debbie and I had our date night last Saturday, and it was wondeful. I picked her up at her place, and she was absolutely stunning, in a purple dress and black high heels that caused me to go full mast at the very sight of her! Lol. We went out to Rokerij for dinner, and although we got seated upstairs (nothing is EVER available downstairs it seems), we got a very private table. We ordered a 'dinner for 2' selection with filet, and it was awesome. Afterwards, we went to Starbucks for some coffee for desert. Then, we went to Blockbuster and picked up a movie to bring back to my place.

Oh, I guess I should mention that when I picked her up, I asked her if she might like to stay the night at my place. I didn't want to be presumptuous, and told her that, but I wanted to let her know that she was welcome to. She said she thought that sounded good, so she brought along some overnight stuff. Ok, now back to the story....

When we got to my place, I gave her a little tour, then we kicked our shoes off to sit back on the couch and watch the movie. Well, suffice it to say that we never got past the selection screen on the DVD before we ended up heading to the bedroom and enjoying each other completely - FINALLY. I know we had both been dying to be together, and it was so nice to finally be able to fully explore our desires without having to hold back. The lovemaking was equisite. And what was equally exquisite was snuggling that night and the next morning. In fact, we layed in bed for probably over an hour the next morning, naked, just cuddling, kissing, talking and laughing. I have never been so comfortable with a woman in my life. It was awesome.

Fast forward to last night. We met at Hob Nob's at about 6pm - which has become a bit of a tradition for us. We enjoyed a couple of hours of talking, laughing, kissing and hugging as usual and had a wonderful time. When it was time to go, I walked her to her car, and we engaged in some very passionate kissing/hugging/grabbing, etc. But just as we ended the 'final hug' to part, I noticed that her whole mood seemed to change suddenly, to one of almost disappointment or something...? In fact, when I said "I love you", she barely even replied to it, as if she didn't even feel the same. I was pretty dumbfounded, but figured maybe she was just sad to be parting as she was a few of the other times we parted. She seemed extra distant as she got in the car though, and I had a feeling something else was up, though I didn't know what.

I called her at about 10 last night to say good night, and indeed, she said there was something that was bothering her a little bit (or something like that). When talking at Hob Nobs', I had mentioned that it was fortunate that she had her daugher around, as well as her ex, to watch her kids so we could have time to meet and get to know each other. She said that she thought I meant that to mean that I didn't want her kids to be around when we were together, and that I wanted to be with her but not her kids. I was a little shocked to hear that, as we talked for a good hour after I had said that, and there was no real indication that she felt that way about it then. I mentioned that to her, and she said it just hit her as we were saying good night.

I tried to assure her that I did not mean it that way at all, and we talked through it for about 20-30 minutes. She still seemed a little hesitant afterwards, but better than she had been. I was a little disappointed that she had thought that way about me, but tried to remind myself how many times I have been the one that was insecure, and that everything was going to be ok.

But when I woke up this morning, I started feeling some real feelings of fear and insecurity. It really bugged me that she had such a hard time saying "I love you" back, and that she would think if me in such a way - that I wouldn't want her kids around. I also thought about how much I don't like the 'conditional love' dynamic, where love is either given or not based on what I do - especially when it is retracted for something I did that I am not even aware of, and that was done with no ill will at all. So I decided to write her a lengthy email explaining my thoughts and feelings on some things to hopefully clarify some things I have said and done.

I think the real catalyst to all this is the fact that we are planning to meet each other's kids tomorrow over pizza. I think she has some fear about whether or not I will accept her kids, and she mentioned several times that her kids were very nice, sweet, etc. I told her that I was a little nervous too, and that I think it's natural for us both to feel that way. But after last night, I am wondering if maybe it isn't too soon for that. I am the one who suggested it, and although she agreed, maybe it's just a little too soon, and she simply agreed because she doesn't want me to be disappointed. I'm not sure, but I mentioned all that in my email to her as well. I really hope she replies with some answers for me. I even sent her a text asking her to because I am having a bit of an anxiety attack about all this. I'm not sure why, but I have noticed over the last couple of years that relationships seem to cause me some serious anxiety attacks when insecurities and doubts arise, on either side.

She just texted back and said that she loves me, that she never wants to hurt me, and that her heart is breaking right now. I texted back and told her that I still lover her, and that everything is ok- that we will get through this. And hopefully, we will. But as I have said a number of other times, no matter what happens, I am going to be ok. And she will too. We both had full, happy, productive lives before we met, and should anything happen, we will still have those same lives. If things don't work out, I will move on and continue to grow as a person, work on improving myself, and explore other opportunities. And I would hope and expect that she would too. That being said, I do love her and hope that things work out for us. I guess, as with so many things, time will tell. One thing is sure - life is good, God is good, the Universe is good, and I am grateful. Ok, I guess that's really 4 things, but whatever! Ha ha

Things heating up

Well, it seems Deb and I have bounced back nicely from the little communication mishap the other night. And in fact, things have been heating up quite a bit lately. She has started to be much more forward about her desires, and has said outright that she can't wait to get me naked and that she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. Of course, this has meant that I have been harder for even longer periods of time, and have been basically living with a little bit of pre-cum in my undies constantly for a number of days now! Lol. I think I am literally going to explode the first time we get together. I have never been this worked up about a woman, and looked forward this much to being with someone.

I am only hoping that I can make it long enough to actually get to the point of being inside her. As excited and excitable as I have been, as pretty and sweet as she is, as nice a body as she has, the eagerness with which I am looking forward to seeing her naked - all these things conspire to have me cum three or four times before we ever get to that point! I guess I can hope that I am able to bring her to climax in a number of other ways - ways that I VERY much look forward to practicing on her...  I have been fantasizing about - and I think this probably sounds a little weird, in fetish kind of way - caressing and kissing the tops of her feet. That, and going down on her like nobody's business!

We are supposed to be having an actual evening date, with no set time to have to be back to any kids or anything, this Saturday night. I am thinking chances are pretty high that we will get to act out some of these fantasies then. I am sure hoping so anyway. Otherwise, I think there is a serious risk of me actually DYING from blue balls! I know that Sunday, my nads hurt SO bad after we parted, for about 3 hours after. I was worried I might actually have to go to the doctor! We had gotten quite passionate in her car before we parted, and I felt the results of it.

On another subject entirely, I met with John and Ben last night for our annual "KBJ holiday dinner." We ate at Sauce and had a great time talking and catching up. I am blessed to have had such cool classmates and grateful that we have maintained our friendships long after school was over. Seems like they are both doing well too - especially John, as he bought a house in San Antonio and is really happy. Ben is still living with his parents. He bought a house, but is working on fixing it up I guess. He's a nice kid, definitely a unique person.

Life is good right now, it really is. I am just trying to take it as it comes, keep my meditation up, and be the best me I can be. So far, that seems to be working pretty well : )

Communication is so fragile, also my issues about it

Turns out I still have issues with communication - surprise surprise! Yesterday was another one of those days where I sent a number of texts and emails, and only received a couple of texts back, and I allowed myself to get a little twisted about it. Now you would think that after the times that I have spent with Deb so far, and the way our relationship has progressed, and the work I have supposedly done on this issue, I would not allow myself to get worked up about it. But it seems I still have some work to do, as I did get a little passive aggressive last night on the phone, disappointed because I had sent her what I considered to be one of the most romantic emails ever, of all time, and didn't even get a response back. How dare she! Lol.

It made for a very stilted and awkward conversation, and after just a few minutes, she asked if I wanted to let her go. She said later that she was asking because she thought that's what I really needed at the time, some space, and that's what might be best for me. But when she said it, what I heard was "ok, I don't really want to talk to you, so how about we just end this convo now." Which, in all honesty, should probably have been totally understandable. I interpreted as a form of abandonment however, as if she was bailing out on me because I wasn't the happy-go-lucky guy that she wanted to talk to.

We proceeded to exchange a few texts, and it became clear that she too had some insecurities. Turns out she has had some experiences with guys shutting her out in the past and being passive-aggressive, so she is fairly senstive to that type of behavior. Mix that with my fear of abandonment, and it is pretty easy to see how something as small as what happened could blossom into some larger, more painful exercise than either of us had intended. Fortunately, we didn't just let it lie. She called me after a little bit, a call which I missed for some reason. So I called her back, and we talked through some of this stuff. I told her about the way my mom handled situations when I was sad or depressed, and how that wasn't ok with her. Debbie seemed to understand, and even though I was pretty scared about opening up that much to her for fear of her not wanting to deal with that stuff, she seemed to be genuinely compassionate and stated that she wanted to be there for me no matter whether I was happy, sad, angry, depressed - whatever.

She opened up abour her fears of being shut out, and I assured her that I was not going to do that to her. I explained that I had done that to women in the past as a sort of "punishment" for all those women who had ever hurt me. I told her that I didn't want to do that anymore, that it wasn't the kind, spiritual thing to do, and that I especially didn't want to do it with her. It was a very hearfelt conversation, and I think we both came out of it understanding each other's fears a lot better.

As I write this, I still find myself struggling to truly let go of everything that happened, or didn't happen yeterday, and just act as I would if everything had gone smoothly. I am still thinking that I don't want to send her any emails until she sends me one, and that I don't want to send her the normal amount of texts that I normally do letting her know that I am thinking about her. I did however send her a text early this morning, as I usually do, and in it acknowledged that I can be overly-sensitive, and thanker her for understanding. So that in itself was pretty big for me. As far as not sending her any emails, and not texting as much, I honestly can't yet say for certain whether or not it is some form of manipulation based on old patterns, or if it is a mechanism for me to avoid getting resentful about the perceived "imbalance" of communication. This sounds like a very strong candidate for focus in my next counselling session next Wednesday.

There is an interesting side story in all this too, something I was very impressed and comforted by - something that was perhaps a sign of how much I have changed and how far I have come on the path that leads to the cessation of suffering. After our initial phone call, I was feeling a little icky, and I decided that instead of immediately calling her back and risking saying something hurtful or confusing, I would meditate to calm and center myself. I reminded myself that as much as I like Deb, my real intention was to find innner peace and serenity, and that whether or not we stayed together, I was still on that path and would continue to be. I proceeded to have a great meditation, and went from being upset and worrried, thinking I wouldn't be able to sleep, to a state of calm and relaxation, knowing everything would be alright. What an absolute gift and blessing that was - to be able to find that place, even in the midst of the storm.

And so while the title of this post might suggest someting negative, I would like to think that these challenges are really positives that provide room for growth, and not stumbling blocks meant to keep us from getting to our ultimate destination. And the real communication, the communication that is of the utmost importance, and the one that is really guiding and calming me, is the communication with my higher self, God, the Universe, the Holy Spirit, the Source, whatever you want to call it. It is that energy, that pool of wisdom and grace that I gaze into when I am in my deepest meditation. That is the communication that I need to keep open and flowing. Because when it is, it flows forth from that inner spring to noursih all that is outside of me as well, including all of my relationships and activities. I am thankful to be aware of this, and thankful to be me today - thankful to know that I am ok, that I am loved, that I am on the path, and that just because I encounter little bumps doesn't need to mean I need to fall completely off the path. My Inner Guide is always available, and all I have to do is be still and listen....

A nice relaxing Christmas, and the best keeps getting better,

today is yet another one of those "super slow inbetween holidays boss out on PTO extremely quiet inbetween project" days where I don't have a whole lot going on, so I slipped over the the not-so-secret TAS network to goof off a bit and do some blogging. Christmas was very mellow this year and we had a nice time. We went out to M & K's for Christmas Eve and enjoyed some homemade fajitas that Kristina and Marsh made. It was really fun hanging out and goofing with Q while they were making dinner. She was very social and warm, and we really had a lot of fun. After dinner, we played some Wii bowling on a system they had borrowed from some friends, and it was a gas. Tess beat the pants off Galen, Marshal and me, and we all had an awesome time while she did so. I think the kids really liked the gifts I got them too - the big ones being a 22" flatscreen tv for Galen, and the zebra stripe "bed in a bag" that Tessi had been wanting. That's not to mention that I had already given Tessi her new touchscreen phone, and already reactivated Galen's phone for Christmas as well.

Christmas day was ultra-mellow, and we stayed home most of the day and watched movies. Mike and Teri had mom over, so of course they wouldn't want to invite us as well, which is totally undestandable. I must admit, it did seem a bit weird to not be around all of them for Christmas, including mom, but in the end, it was ok. Tess, Galen and I went out to Marie Callender's for dinner and enjoyed some good ham, mashed taters, veggies and pumkin pie. Tessi did mention that it didn't really seem like Christmas this year, esp. because the weather was so nice - which it was. I think that might have had something to do with the fact that mom wasn't around to take them to all the different things, like Zoolights, Glendale Glitters, etc. But I think it also did have something to do with the weather, as well as the fact that the kids are getting older, and as much as all try, the magic of Christmas just seems to fade as we age. It was a nice time though, and I found it to be one of the more relaxing ones I can remember.

Of course, I got my "gift" a little early this year in the form of the love of my life, the most wonderful woman I have ever known, the woman who has proved to me that my dream was not for naught, and who has astounded me by being everything I ever wanted in a partner and so, so much more. We spent most of the day together yesterday, and it seems like we just keep getting closer and closer, more and more comfortable with one another. Our goodbye 'session' was especially passionate yesterday, and I found myself in a fair amount of pain in my nether regions upon parting - a victim of the accursed 'blue balls' (I was trying to think of a more eloquent way to put it, but hey - this is my private blog, right? And what else can really relate that same meaning? Nothing I can think of). She is just SOOOO freakin' beautiful, and her kissing skills just keep getting better and better. She also has been more receptive to the wandering of my hands (and lips) and I just love the feel and shape of her butt, as well as her breasts - at least the parts of them I was able to get my lips on in the low-plunging blouse she wore yesterday. Talk about driving a guy crazy - yowza!

The crazy thing is that after I broke up with Tina, and had dated a few other women, I began to worry that I would never again have a woman with breasts as nice as she had. I have dated very few women my life who had even slightly large breasts, and I must say that was one of the physical features of Tina that I greatly enjoyed. Now, in Debbie, I have a woman who has breasts that appear to be somewhat larger that Tina's, and from what I can gather so far, are very nicely shaped and very soft and supple. I NEVER would have imagined that something like this could happen. And especially not with someone as sweet, smart, caring, funny and likable as Debbie is. I am just in awe - truly in awe of the blessing and miracle that Debbie is and the fact that we are together. My only fear is that the first time we fully together, I will have cum so many times just getting to the point of being ready to engage in the actual act that I won't be able to go all the way! Lol! But that's ok. As strong as the connection is between us, and judging by her reactions to my kisses and touches, I am certain I could make her come several times without having to actually have intercourse with her.

Wow - I am sitting here a little light-headed just writing this, in wonder and disbelief that this gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful woman considers herself lucky to be with ME. Talk about gratitude. If I haven't said it yet today, THANK YOU GOD, thank you Universe, thanks to all that was, all that is, and all that will be, that allowed me to meet this woman. I swear, it is truly like a dream come true, and I FINALLY know what it means to experience true love... to actually fall in love with somebody.... to actually feel the pitter patter of my heart.... and to be literally breathless at another's touch - not just because of her physical appearance, but as much because of who she is. I love this woman, and am so happy to finally be able to say that with full knowledge of what in means, and in full confidence that it is true and real this time.

Really??? No - really?

I was looking at the title of my post yesterday, and thinking of the pure irony of the fact that today, my blog is once again available by clicking "view this site now" - what the?!?! That's it - it's a conspiracy to drive me insane, plain and simple! Lol

Last night Deb and I met at Hob Nob's to hang out and to exchange Christmas gifts. I have to start out by saying she looked absolutely beautiful - as always. But this time was a little extra special, as she wore a blouse with a little bit of a plunging neckline that showed some BEAUTIFUL cleavage. Oh my gosh, has this woman got some wonderful breasts - at least that's what I'm assuming from what I can see! Lol. Ok, back on track here - she got me 2 of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received : a copy of the book "The Once and Future King" about King Arthur, and a copy of the PBS special "The Buddha" that I loved so much. The very fact that she has known me for such a short time, yet knew enough about me to get me such awesome gifts says volumes about the quality and specialness of this woman.

In fact, I felt so awed by it, that I decided to finally fess up and tell her that I was falling in love with her. I decided that would be a nice way to ease into it, without actually saying "I love you". That way, she wouldn't have to feel compelled to say it back, and we wouldn't have to get into a pattern of saying "I love you" all the time just yet. I didn't want to pressure her, or make her think I was going to fast, and I told her that last night. I told her that I just wanted her to know in case anything should happen - you know, like me getting abducted by aliens or something. Ha ha! She seemed to take it well; didn't say anything back, but that was ok - I didn't expect her to really, and am kinda' glad she didn't, as I wanted it to simply be about me telling her that.

I guess I should mention what I got her too : a Yoda plush that says a number of different phrases. She mentioned once that she really liked Yoda, and I thought she would appreciate it, which she seemed to. I also figured that if she was missing me, she coudl cuddle up to Yoda and draw on his wisdom to comfort her! Ha ha ha! I am such a card, I tell you whut! She also got me a card that was very sweet, and proceeded to tell me some things that really made my heart sing, like how she thinks about me often times at night; and how she pinches herself to make sure she isn't dreaming; and how she feels blessed to have me in her life and hopes we are together for a long time - all music to my ears and heart.

You know, I was reading back over some of my old blog posts, from the time period during which I was dating Ty, and reading how I mentioned that I loved her and thought we would be together "forever". It kind of surprised to look back and read that, because I honestly didn't remember feeling quite that strongly about her. I think I was really more in love with being in love, and kind of deluding myself into thinking I was in love with her. I mean, I did, in some sense, love her. But not in the romantic way that I had myself believing I did. I can say that now, having met Debbie, and considering the way I feel about her. Because there is just no comparison between the 2 feelings. With Ty, there were several things about her that, if I could have, I would have changed : some personality traits, her weight, the smoking, etc. With Debbie, there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - that I would wish to change.

I honestly did not believe there was any woman anywhere that I could think this way about. I thought that I would forever meet women who were "almost perfect", if only there were more this, or less that, or did this, or didn't do that, or were a little skinnier, a little quieter, and on and on and on. And then the Universe brings Debbie into my life, and there it is - the outlier, the impossibility, the diamond in the rough, the needle in the haystack, the dream made reality. Am I waxing way too romantic over this? Perhaps. Will this be yet another entry I look at a year later, only to wonder what I was thinking? I sure hope not. And could this woman be her - could she be the one I have always hoped and prayed for? It's sure looking that way.... it's sure looking that way.

Yaaayyyy! I can get to my blog again! (oh yeah - and other updates...)

Wow, what do you know - I can access my blog again at work without having to bypass the web filter by clicking "View this site now." Yaaayyyy! I know, I know - it probably isn't the most productive or ethical thing for me to be blogging at work. But, I look at it like this : according to the state of Arizona labor laws, a person who works 8 hours is entitled to two 15 minute breaks in addition to lunch (and I know this is true from having done a little factory/warehouse work in my past). And, in the past, I would have taken these perdiods to smoke a cig. It's just that now, instead of smoking a cig (I quit New Year's Eve of 2006), I blog. How's that for a good rationalization/justification - written like a true addict! Haha

Ok - we all know what the big story is - Debbie, and how awesome things are going with her. And I must say, they really are going wonderfully. We are meeting tonight at Hob Nob's to exhange gifts and I SOOO looking forward to it. I think it is fair to say that we keep getting closer and closer, and when we parted Sunday, I could really sense that she did not want to - perhaps ever. We have talked about getting the kids together to meet, and I am hoping we can arrange that soon, as we both are quite certain that we want to be with the other for a long, long time to come. I am about 99.999999999864% certain that I am going to end up asking her to marry me. It's just a matter of time.

I am still in awe at just how perfectly she matches my "wish list: for a woman, right down to the milky white skin, ample breasts, and nice feet and hands! (yes, I know I am a bit of a freak in those respects, but hey - we ARE talking dream woman here! Lol). She has beautiful eyes, and every time we are out, I catch guys looking at her. How could they not? She's absolutely beautiful. Wow, I am just so tripped out to think I am with her. And the thing that is just increible truly unbelievable, is the fact that she is so humble - and genuinely so, not like she has to put on some front that she is. Sheez, I really hope I didn't croak a couple of weeks ago, and now I am living in my own little "Matrix world", while all the while my body is in some hospital room somewhere! But hey, if it is, give me the red pill, cuz I want to stay in this dream for the duration! haha

In other news, I have been incredibly lazy at work over the last week or 2. But in all fairness, at this time of year, that is typically the status quo - at least in my dept. I don't think anyone really wants to be here, and there is much more visiting and "merriment" than normally goes on. Fortunately, I don't really have any major projects working right now anyway, so being a slug fits into the current schedule very nicely indeed!

The kids have been doing very well. Galen has gone for over a month now without generating any calls from the school to me - woo hoo! On top of that, he has been respectful and loving at home too. Tessi has been doing well, as usual, and spending a lot of time away from home at either Kk's, or Clarice's. Galen is spending this week at his friend Alex's, so I am getting some awesome "kid-free" time - quite a bit as of late. And it's perfect timing too, as it is allowing Deb and I to meet fairly often and really get to know each other. It really seems that all is in a state of total harmony right now - Thank GOD!

And I will close with that : Thank God, for everything; for the kids being happy and healthy; for me being healthy and happy; for Debbie coming into my life; for Marshal and Kristina and Qbert being healthy and happy; for Kristina being pregnant again, with a boy AND girl this time; for family, friends, a good job, a roof over our heads, food to eat and clothes to wear. My prayer is that all who are suffering this Christmas be relieved of their suffering, and that all those who are able to assist in producing that end do so, and in the most effective, efficient, and loving manner possible. To all the world, solar system, galaxy, and entire Universe, I send Blessings of Love and Harmony....

GOTTA' say it somewhere

I just have to say this somewhere, so I am saying it here, loud and clear : I AM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH DEBBIE!!! Like head over heels, can't stop thinking about her, she has everything mentally AND physically I have ever wanted, have literally felt like I am in a romantic comedy in love. Last night, we met at Borders again, and I can honestly say that there were things that happened that were so awesome - I mean things that could only (or so I thought) happen in one of those movies. The best one of those was when we were kissing goodbye, and we had started to walk away from each other for the third or fourth ot fifth time, and all of a sudden, she turned back, ran towards me, and literally jumped on me! It was so, so - awesome! It wasn't some lustful type jump, but more of a "I'm crazy about you and don't want to let you go" type of jump. She even smacked my face a little on accident, and I said something that sounded totally like out of a movie; I said "Girl you are crazy! And as long as you are crazy about me, it's all good" or something like that.

It was EVERYTHING I could do to not tell her that I loved her. Every time we were kissing, and I looked into her eyes, I felt compelled to say it. But I displayed a discipline I never have and avoided saying it. Now I am sitting here wondering if I really accomplished anything by not telling her - by going against my natural impulses to such a degree. I am fairly certain she knows already, but still... I am thinking that I will probably wait until after I have met her kids and she has met mine before I actually say it. I honestly don't think that will make any difference, and I really hope it won't. But I want to be very genuine when I say it, and I want to make sure that there is absolutely zero chance that things will not work out for some reason. I want it to be real, right, and as close to perfect as possible. (shout out to my friend Mikey for giving some good advice about that too.)

I asked her where she saw our relationship going, and she said she really didn't think like that, that she lives in the moment pretty much. I agreed, and like the fact that she thinks like that. I brought up the idea of meeting each other's kids, as I thought it was probably the next "step" in the progression of our relationship. She said she didn't really have any set ideas on how long to wait and said she would be ok with it. I mentioned that I would like to set something up soon where we could all meet, and she thought that sounded good. I also mentioned that I wanted to take her on an actual "date" - one when neither of us had to be back by any certain time so we could just totally relax and spend as much time together as possible. Again, she was in agreeance, and it sounds like we are going to do that on the night of January 1st. How appropriate too : the first actualy night of a new year, starting it together. Again, cue the lights and roll the tape - the movie magic continues! Lol

I keep trying to think about what was so magical about November 28th, 2010 - the first day we met. I mean, numerologically speaking, it was not particularly special. I don't think my horoscope said anything about 'today you will meet up with the girl of your dreams.' I don't even remember getting any good fortune cookies that may have alluded to it. And maybe that is what was so special about it - that there was nothing singular about that day except for the fact that we met for the first time. So that day can be our day, with no other outside meanings or associations. It's the day we first met face to face, and that alone makes it a very, very special and singular day in the history of "Deb and Kev". Man, I like the sound of that - so much. She sent me a text this morning that said she feels very lucky that I am her guy - and I feel so incredibly lucky to have someone, and not just anyone, but my dream girl, say that about me. Someone pinch me... NO - WAIT - not yet; this is one dream I don't want to wake up from... ever. ♥

Obstacle succesfully navigated - back on track

Wow. I just re-read my post from yesterday, and was very impressed by the level-headedness of it, especially considering how icky I was feeling at the time. I guess that has really been the crux of almost all of the therapy I have been working on/with/through over the last couple of years - recognizing those irrational thoughts and being able to counter them, even while feeling the emotions and physical reactions they trigger. Yesterday was a pretty good example of that. And even though I did send the one email that was a tidbit harsher than I might have liked, and I did get a little passive aggressive by not sending her any texts for the rest of the day, I didn't do anything else that I would have regretted.

Around 7pm last night, as I was finishing throwing a few loads of laundry in the washers, I thought I ought to give her a call and let her know that she didn't need to apologize; that she had done nothing wrong; that it was me who needed to apologize; and that it was me who had issues with communication. Funny thing, just as she answered the phone and we started talking, I got a text that she had apparently just sent asking if we were ok. I must have been picking up on her vibes. That was pretty cool.

We had a nice, long talk, during which I pretty much self-disclosed everything about my communication issues, my insecurity, my unwillingness to let women all the way in for fear of being hurt - the whole nine yards. I was a little afraid at first, as she did sound pretty upset at the outset. I was picturing another situation like the one with Michelle - where I had pretty much hosed myself, and it was "over". But we were able to talk through a lot of things, and in the end, came out with a better understanding of each other.

Turns out she dated a guy 5 or 6 years ago who also suffered from depression. He ended up being very passive aggressive with her, and went so far as to not contact her for weeks on end. After that, and her deciding to end the relationship, he ended up stalking her. She prefaced this story by saying she had a question, and when she was done, I asked her "So what is the question - if I am going to stalk you?" I think she was a little taken aback by that, and sounded almost regretful or frightened for having told the story. But I reassured her that I would never stalk her - that's never been my MO. And I also reassured her that I am living a fairly balanced life today. If things happened to not work out with her, I would be ok - I would move on, and I would expect that she would do the same.

I think she really appreciated that, and while I was a bit scared going in that she would really be turned off when I told her a little about my insecurities, I think it actually endeared me to her a bit. I think she liked the fact that I was honest, and could be vulnerable with her. She actually sent a text later last night saying that each day she liked me "a little more than the day before". I thought that was really sweet.

So it seems that : A - I really am growing and improving as a person. B - she really is a sweet, caring woman who is willing to offer some true understanding. C - we have a dynamic between us that allows us to talk through issues. D - I am really, truly starting to fall for her. And, E - I think she is falling for me too.

I am currently struggling with wanting to tell her that I am falling in love with her, but not wanting to rush things. Part of me is dying to tell her, as that is what I truly think inside. But another part of me wants to be more careful - more rational and patient, and wait until we have been together longer and met each other's kids and such. At this point, I think the rational side is more in charge, and for me, that's a good thing. Who knows - maybe this time I'll actually get it right. Wouldn't that be something.... : )

Yet....? Uh oh - first bumps in this new road

Ealier today I was thinking about writing another post, but thought it would be rather redundant to just say again "things are wonderful." And it's probably a good thing I didn't, as I now have something much more interesting to write about.

I started the day off as I normally do, sending a text to Debbie pretty early this morning - about 7am. It was super sweet, saying something to the effect of "every day is brighter with you in it." I didn't hear anyhting back from her, so I sent her another one arounf 8:40am saying I was thinking about her. An hour later, I still hadn't heard anything from her. At that point, I was a little concerned, but told myself she was probably really busy. Then, at approx. 10am, I got a text from her saying "Good morning". It was a bit of a relief, but I must admit, I was a little disappointed. And herein is the crux of my real issue in relationships.

See, whenever I send someone an email or text, I have unknowingly assigned certain expectations to that act dictating how I am going to feel if they don't reply at all, if they do and it doesn't meet up to my "standards", if they do and it does, or even if they do and it exceeds my standards. Up to this point, I have done exceptionally well in sending off texts to Deb, and just letting go completely, not worrying about when, or if I get a reply back - or so I thought anyway. Because it is pretty obvious from the way I feel right now that I hadn't completely let go. Now I am having that shortness of breath, that tightening of the chest, and that panicky feeling I always get when I think that I am being 'cast off'.

The thing is, I'm almost certain that is not the case. She sent an email around 1pm and stated exaclty what I had suspected - that she had been really busy, that her daughter forgot a project at home, that she had to rush to get to work on time and that when she got there, she had to jump right in. But she also mentioned something about her boss, something about her telling him when he razzed her about being late "you're luck I got dressed," and some joking references made to the innuendo. Now this isn't the first time she's mentioned her boss, and in fact, she has mentioned their teasing/joking relationship several times. And while I am almost positive it is entirely platonic, given the context of the email and the way I was thinking, it kinda' hit me wrong - made me feel a little icky.

So now I am sitting here, feeling a little ill, having thoughts that this guy is flirting with her constantly, thoughts that maybe I'm not secure enough to deal with a situation like this, thoughts that if I mention something more about this (I said something about it in my reply email) she will get upset or think I am insecure, thoughts that cause a lot of discomfort. And what am I to do with all these thoughts? How do I get back to being happy, content, and relaxed? What do I tell myself to get past this fear and dread of losing someone I haven't even "gotten" yet?

I'll tell you/me how : I remember the fact that I was emailing 2 or 3 other women when I met Debbie, all of whom seemed like they had potential. I remind myself that if telling her how this makes me feel causes her to like me less or not want to be with me, than she's simply not the one for me. I reassure myself that I am a great guy, a great catch, and that I am not the only person in the world who has some insecurity to deal with. Just because I can be a little insecure does not mean I am undateable or unlovable. And it doesn't mean that she is going to want to end things.

Of course, if I go to my passive aggressive ignore her or be quiet now type thing like I have done with other women, that could very well come about. And that is what I am trying to avoid this time : I am trying to calm myself, to tell myself comforting stories, to ease my mind and to breathe - to remember how I have messed things up in the past with other women because of my self-delusions. I am reminding myself to just breathe - just breathe......

Haven't messed up yet! haha

Ok, so that could be seen as a negative title. But, I look at it like this : for once, I am seeing that the person most responsible for all the breakups I have encountered is no one other than me. I used to like to say or think that I truly believed that, but I don't know that I ever accepted at a deep level within myself. Now, as I look back, I can see that more often than not - if not every single time - it was my issues, and not the ladies' that led to the demise of the relationships. So by making the funny statement that I did for the title is a fun way for me to acknowledge that and remind myself that everything is going well - it is for me to "mess up" or not. One would think that this realization would be a given, considering the fact that every breakup I have ever had, with the one exception being my marriage, was initiated by me. D'oh!

Last night, Deb and I got together for the 4th time. We met at one Starbucks, but ended up going to the one on Mill because the first one closed at 7pm. Again, we had a very nice time, and I really enjoyed getting to hold her hand, put my arm around her, and just be closer to her all night. Again, we closed the night with a nice hug/kiss session. But for some reason (my paranoioa maybe?) it seemed to me that she was holding back a little bit, or somewhat hesitant. So I ended up texting her about it this morning, and she said that no one had ever said that before, that she was totally into it, and maybe she was just a bad kisser. I felt really bad about having mentioned it at that point, and texted her back that she was a great kisser - that it wa probably just me being paranoid. She appreciated that, and all was smoothed out.

I look at that incident as being something that could have been a 'mess up' on my part if I had handled it in one of the ways I used to hnadle things like that. Fortunately, I am changing, improving, and more concscious of the fact that I often misinterpret or over-exaggerate events and make big deals out of them - mountains out of molehills type stuff. And so, in this instance, a manifestation of the fear and insecurity that I experienced in the past showed, but I was able to recognize it for what it was, and not run away with it. Yayyy me, yayyy self-improvement, and yayyy God!

One thing became clear last night, and I was a little shocked by the extent of it too I must say : for all intensive purposes, when it comes to sexual subjects, Debbie is a little prudish - and I don't say that in a negative way, as I find it very charming, and ironically, quite sexy! But when I mentioned the "safe word" reference in one of my emails, she immediately got quite uncomfortable. And as I jokingly tried to ease my way into a greater explanation, it was obvious that she was not wanting to hear more about it. I even made some reference to the fact that she had 4 children, so she had to have SOME knowledge of such things, to which she replied that she did not, and in fact did not know much about any - how shall I say, freaky-kinky-unusual sexual practices. I am guessing that, as gorgeous as she is, any man who has ever been blessed enough to have had sex with her has never needed any "add ons" to get where he wanted to go. I am also very curious as to whether or not she has ever had a true, full-on orgasm. Something tells me she may not have. And if that is the case, well - she has a real treat in store, and I will one day be her "man god!" Lol

It definitely will be slow going to get to that point with her, and that is perfect. I am in no hurry to rush there. I am enjoying our dating and just being close to, and getting to know her. I still find it hard to believe she is so beautiful (and she is - rockin' body too, seriously!) yet so humble. She really is like a unicorn, or a 4 leafed clover, or the Holy Grail or something. Man, I am blessed. And whether or not it lasts, I am happy just to have been here, and know that it exists : )

One step closer to the dream...

Debbie and I met for breakfast Sunday morning at The Good Egg off Dobson and the 60. I had been obsessing a bit before then about asking her about her marriages and what brought them to ends. Basically, the way I saw it was that any man in his right mind would be a complete idiot or insane to divorce this woman, and I just had to know if that had ever been the case. Turns out that, in a bit of a confirmation of my suspicions, it was she who asked for both divorces - the first one stemming from her ex not trusting her while he was out of country (in the military) and deciding to up and head to Japan without really asking what she thought; she said that in regards to the second one, he was a little less that completely honest with her - she caught him in conflicting stories - and that was pretty much a dealbreaker for her. I must say, I was somewhat relieved to find all that out.

Of course, with her having divulged her past, I opened up about what really caused the end of my marriage and the substance abuse problems that I had. I was a little scared at first, as she got a bit of a shocked look on her face, and for a moment I thought, "uh-oh - that was it - it's all over". But, that was not the case. She said she understood; that it wasn't an issue given the fact that I had been sober for some time; and that she actually appreciated the fact that I was so honest. I was SOOOO relieved, because I was really hoping that I would get a chance to go deeper with her.

So we decided after we were done eating (and grabbing some Starbucks) that we would go to an antique shop she wanted to hit. She drove there and I rode along with her. When we got there, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was almost exactly like the Brass Armadillo - an indoor antique mall! So we wandered through the shop, looking at all the various treasures, talking about how some of the things reminded us of our childhoods, talking about our views on spirituality, laughing and joking about some of the various stuff, just enjoying each other's company. Before I knew it, it was 1:30pm! We had met just after 9 at the restaurant, which meant that we had been together for over 4 hours. Again, I just could not believe how quickly time flies with this woman. Wonderful indeed.

On the way back to her car, I had decided that I was going to go in for the kiss when we said goodbye. I wasn't 100% sure that she would be ok with it, but I wanted - I had - to try. So when we got back, we stood outside chatting for a few, and then we hugged. As I pulled back from the hug, I was pleasantly surprised to see her "in position" for the kiss, so I went for it. It started out as a very mild, lips only variety, but she was definitely into it as much as I was, and we ended up kissing quite a bit actually. I really like the way she touched my cheek and the back of my neck - that was so awesome. And I took her cheek in my hand, and her skin was as soft as silk - I mean, it was unbelievably soft... felt so good.  (oh yeah - and that thing about not getting wood? Yeah, that doesn't apply any more, cuz I have MAJOR wood right now just thinking about her! Lol)

Since then, we have been emailing/texting/talking on the phone, and getting closer and closer. I am amazed to think that this woman is really in my life, that I am really dating her, that we really kissed. She is just so freakin' beautiful. And not only is it real, but she tells me the same thing - that she is so grateful to have met me, and that 'she wonders what she did good in her life to deserve me' - can you/I/anyone believe that?!?! I know I am tripping out on it, and in a very good/dreamlike way. I honestly believe, to the very core of my being, that I am going to end up making the first proposal I have ever made in my life to this very woman (when Sam and I got married, it was more like a 'may as well' thing - definitely no romantic proposal involved). In fact, I have already been going through the dialog in my mind. Getting ahead of myself? Probably. Granted I have not met her kids or anything yet. But hey - I think now, that this is happening, I may as well dream big, because it is fairly obvious now -dreams do come true!

Wow, talk about trippin'... I am seriously blown away, and extremely grateful. If I am dreaming, I pray to never awake. And if I am dead, well then I hope I make a great zombie, cuz I'm not coming back willfully! Lol