That is the question I am asking myself after just having read the latest email from Debbie. Who is this woman, and where did she come from? Am I dreaming? Why does this seem just too good to be true? Did I accidentally take the blue pill instead of the red one? Ha ha. This woman, without a doubt, has the absolute highest humility to beauty ratio of any woman I have ever met, in any situation. She is, in my eyes, very, very pretty (beautiful eyes, brunette hair, petite, nice breasts - the whole package really - and yet so softspoken, thoughtful and humble, that I honestly didn't believe there were any women in the world like her - at least not that were single! Thank God....
We met last night for the second time, this time at the Borders bookstore at the Biltmore. Shortly after meeting up, I asked her what her "intentions" were as far as the situation with us went. I mentioned that I had met women who just wanted new friends, others that wanted to date different people, and some that wanted to date me that I did not want to date. I made clear to her that I think she is beautiful, a great person, and that I like her a lot, would like to pursue something more. She is rather softspoken in matters like this, but basically said that if she goes out with a guy, it is always with the hope that it will lead to something greater. I was obviously very happy about that, and I think it allowed us both to let down our guards a bit. And we did.
I got a chance to see, and even make, her laugh last night, and she has a great laugh - very joyful, and not loud and obnoxious - very cute. She also has a great sense of humor and cracked me up with her "Phoenix Rules of Driving". She definitely has a keen wit about her, and it was really great to see her cut loose a little more. We had a lot of fun, and before we knew it, 2 and a half hours had slipped by! (got there at 6:30, looked at the watch at 9pm). She was literally shocked to see that it had gotten that late, as time had just flown.
Still, we meandered around the store for a bit, looking for the book "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" (never did find it), and I bought a little Einstien figure for my cube. Then, I walked her to her car while she told me about how bada she is at directions, yet hates to ask for them. We had some good laughs about that as we found her car. Then, I have her a nice hug goodbye, and she really squeezed good this time - definitely more in it than the first time. That caused some elation on my part : ) We did not kiss, and though I thought about it for a brief second, I didn't really pick up the vibes from her that she was ready for that. And I definitely don't want to move too fast this time. I want to enjoy the "courting" part.
And even though I could feel that she has a very ample chest, which I love, it is not an overtly sexual feeling or attraction I have for her. I don't get the 'wood' that I have often gotten with other women, like Tina and Michelle for example. I'm not sure if it's because she is somewhat reserved and dresses fairly conservatively, because she doesn't overtly flirt or make sexual innunendos, or that I respect her as much as I do. But I know one thing for sure : that does not matter in the least to me, as I find her to be such a beautiful person, inside and out, that I have no doubt that if (hopefully when) we ever do have sex, there will not be ANY issues getting there for me!
We are planning to meet up again Sunday and maybe hit some antique shops together. Oh my gosh, I am just sitting here basically stunned, thinking to myself that this truly is - and in a way that Barbara just wasn't - a woman that I could marry and live happily forever after with. Our views on parenting are similar (and her being a parent is just one of the things that makes her/it so different than the situation with Barbara), which is incredibly rare, and seems to have been one of the major stumbling blocks of past relationships since the divorce. And she seems to have a really good heart, much like Kristina. Her birthday is May 24th - just 8 days after Kristina's - so astrologically speaking, I guess it is only normal that she would. Whatever it may be, it seems as though the universe just might have granted my wish.
I am trying to maintain perspective and not get too caught up too fast - but it sure is hard with this woman. Of course, considering how quickly I have actually gone with other women in the past, this is slow! Ha ha. And because of the high quality and overall awesomeness, compatibility, and beauty of this woman, I am taking my time, not pressuring about emails, being careful not to say or ask too much too quick - all the things I normally forget to do or not do. Yes my friends, this woman is truly one for the ages - one of a kind, and one that I hope to grow to know better and get closer and closer too. I was going to make a bunch of other statements, but because they always seem to be overblown and ultimately incorrect, I will simply leave it at that. In this moment, I am grateful, happy and hopeful - yay God! : )
Showing posts with label self-realization. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-realization. Show all posts
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Continuing on the path
...the path leading to the cessation of suffering. I had an appt with Diana yesterday and clarified some thoughts I came away from the last appt with - mainly that perhaps she thought I needed to start seeing someone else, that I was being too needy, or too dependent on her. She said that there was some teeny, tiny part of her that was concerned about something along those lines, but that I shouldn't worry about it - it was just a little something she had going on, and that I should feel free to call whenever I need to if I think I am in need. That was really good to hear, as I really think I have made a lot of good progress with Diana, and of the few therapists I've had, she has definitely been the best about using ALL kinds of different methods, and not just one or 2.
In fact, along those lines, I asked her yesterday what she thought about inner child stuff - what her opinion was, and if she thought it was legit or not. Without actually going into an actual answer, she got some stuff out of her filing cabinet to give me, and then led me on a guided meditation to introduce me to my inner child and begin the healing process on that level. It was a very deep meditation, and I really think that it has opened up a new level of healing, what I had not really thought about 'til now, and one that I desperately need to recognize and work on.
I really realized that when, during the meditation, there was some mention of having thought bad things about the inner child - about having shamed or blamed it - something like that. I then remembered afterwards how so many times, I have done that very thing - thought back to the child I was with hatred, anger, and resentment, thinking all kinds of bad things towards him, as if he wouldn't have changed anything if he could have. When I consider that that inner child is in me, is me, and is still alive in me, it only makes sense that by thinking these kind of thoughts, I sabotage my own healing. I became suddenly very aware that the inner child - my inner child - is a part of me. And when I go into the deep depressions, it is that part that is so sad, alone and hurt. And how could it not be, considering that fact that even I myself am shaming and trying to abandon it? Wow, it's all really eye opening for me.
So hopefully this will begin yet another chapter in my continued quest for healing and liberation. It's almost impossible to believe that either I have so many issues, or that I am becoming aware of so many issues. I guess the good part is the latter - that I am becoming aware of them. Like Dr. Phil says - you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. And I acknowledge that I have a lot of healing to do. The good thing is that God has put all the things I need to accomplish that all around me, and within me. I need only keep walking the path, and eventually, I will reach the top of the mountain. Someday, I will be free.
In fact, along those lines, I asked her yesterday what she thought about inner child stuff - what her opinion was, and if she thought it was legit or not. Without actually going into an actual answer, she got some stuff out of her filing cabinet to give me, and then led me on a guided meditation to introduce me to my inner child and begin the healing process on that level. It was a very deep meditation, and I really think that it has opened up a new level of healing, what I had not really thought about 'til now, and one that I desperately need to recognize and work on.
I really realized that when, during the meditation, there was some mention of having thought bad things about the inner child - about having shamed or blamed it - something like that. I then remembered afterwards how so many times, I have done that very thing - thought back to the child I was with hatred, anger, and resentment, thinking all kinds of bad things towards him, as if he wouldn't have changed anything if he could have. When I consider that that inner child is in me, is me, and is still alive in me, it only makes sense that by thinking these kind of thoughts, I sabotage my own healing. I became suddenly very aware that the inner child - my inner child - is a part of me. And when I go into the deep depressions, it is that part that is so sad, alone and hurt. And how could it not be, considering that fact that even I myself am shaming and trying to abandon it? Wow, it's all really eye opening for me.
So hopefully this will begin yet another chapter in my continued quest for healing and liberation. It's almost impossible to believe that either I have so many issues, or that I am becoming aware of so many issues. I guess the good part is the latter - that I am becoming aware of them. Like Dr. Phil says - you can't heal what you don't acknowledge. And I acknowledge that I have a lot of healing to do. The good thing is that God has put all the things I need to accomplish that all around me, and within me. I need only keep walking the path, and eventually, I will reach the top of the mountain. Someday, I will be free.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Flip flopping, and the chameleon like nature of my attraction
With a title like that, this just has to be good, right? Lol! Ok, so I met Patricia yesterday at Jamba Juice. She was wearing a nice dress, but when I first saw her in it, I did not find it, or her, very attractive. I think it had a lot to do with the way the dress was designed : it had these ruffles that stuck out right at the hips, which made her hips look very wide. Now, she is a little wide anyway, and those features served to unnecessarily accent something that might have been better to play down. I think my initial reaction had something to do with the fact that the convo was at first rather stilted.
But, as always seems to happen with her, just like a chameleon, as we continued talking, and I got her to lighten up and laugh a bit, her appearance literally seemed to change in front of my eyes. She got prettier. Her figure looked better. I was more attracted to her. And before we parted, we got together for another "truck makeout session," and it was hot as ever! For as much as I am little turned off by the width of her thighs and midesction, I am even more turned on by her breasts, her great calves, and nice feet (at least as far as they look in the hot heels she was wearing). So, as the title says, my opinion of her appearance flip-flops between hot and not-so-hot. It's really weird.
As I sit here thinking about it, I really think it goes back to some of what I was talking about in my other posts, particularly as far as what "other people" think when they see her, or see us together. She mentioned that she turned some heads at work, and I have no doub tthat she did/does. But there is that little part of me - the "appearance gremlin", as Diana would call it - that tells me that they aren't really looking at her because she is hot, they are just looking at her hooters. And I get scared, fearful that I will be seen as "less than" because she is not some smoking hot swimsuit model - or at least not in my distorted perception.
So now, I am sitting here doing a little thought exercise : I am examining my thoughts to see what I think of guys who I see with women who are not "swimsuit models," if I think anything less of them at all. And you know what? To be honest, I don't really think anything about a guy when I see him with a woman, no matter what she looks like. In fact, I tend to have a more positive view of men whom I see with average women than I do of men with gorgeous women for the simple fact that I think they are more genuine, more loving and accepting. And the men who are with the "models" I see as more shallow and materialistic, even if they aren't really that way!
So what is it that I am worried about? I am wondering if it isn't what the WOMEN who see us together are thinking...? I think I am afraid of being judged by them; of them snickering under their breath, possibly making fun of Patricia because she isn't "bikini model" material, esp. knowing how most women are like that. But then, if I really think about it, wouldn't it be even WORSE if she was some model type? I mean, if they weren't threatened by her, they probably wouldn't bother ranking on her. And, important to note here, that this ALL goes back to my distorted perception of physical appearance, especially as far as women I am intereste in goes. Lord knows, I have had issues with that!
I thought back to dating Marcy, and there was a woman who was skinny as could be. She had a great butt, was very skinny, and generally attractive. And did I feel any better about being with her? not really - maybe just a little less concerned about what other people thought. But only as far as physical stuff went, because it was her personality that made me totally self-conscious with her. And, something else I was thinking about, the sex with Marcy wasn't good - not at all. So the whole "skinny" thing did not translate into physical pleasure or compatibility at all. This is all stuff I need to remember - stuff that I tend to forget when the "appearance gremlin" starts opening his foul little piehole!!! Lol!
I am glad that I am at least able to see this stuff today. I have a ways to go to fully recover from the negative effects of it, but at least I am not letting it control my every thought and action today. And that my friends, is an absolute blessing - and miracle. For that, and so much more, I am eternally grateful. God is good : )
But, as always seems to happen with her, just like a chameleon, as we continued talking, and I got her to lighten up and laugh a bit, her appearance literally seemed to change in front of my eyes. She got prettier. Her figure looked better. I was more attracted to her. And before we parted, we got together for another "truck makeout session," and it was hot as ever! For as much as I am little turned off by the width of her thighs and midesction, I am even more turned on by her breasts, her great calves, and nice feet (at least as far as they look in the hot heels she was wearing). So, as the title says, my opinion of her appearance flip-flops between hot and not-so-hot. It's really weird.
As I sit here thinking about it, I really think it goes back to some of what I was talking about in my other posts, particularly as far as what "other people" think when they see her, or see us together. She mentioned that she turned some heads at work, and I have no doub tthat she did/does. But there is that little part of me - the "appearance gremlin", as Diana would call it - that tells me that they aren't really looking at her because she is hot, they are just looking at her hooters. And I get scared, fearful that I will be seen as "less than" because she is not some smoking hot swimsuit model - or at least not in my distorted perception.
So now, I am sitting here doing a little thought exercise : I am examining my thoughts to see what I think of guys who I see with women who are not "swimsuit models," if I think anything less of them at all. And you know what? To be honest, I don't really think anything about a guy when I see him with a woman, no matter what she looks like. In fact, I tend to have a more positive view of men whom I see with average women than I do of men with gorgeous women for the simple fact that I think they are more genuine, more loving and accepting. And the men who are with the "models" I see as more shallow and materialistic, even if they aren't really that way!
So what is it that I am worried about? I am wondering if it isn't what the WOMEN who see us together are thinking...? I think I am afraid of being judged by them; of them snickering under their breath, possibly making fun of Patricia because she isn't "bikini model" material, esp. knowing how most women are like that. But then, if I really think about it, wouldn't it be even WORSE if she was some model type? I mean, if they weren't threatened by her, they probably wouldn't bother ranking on her. And, important to note here, that this ALL goes back to my distorted perception of physical appearance, especially as far as women I am intereste in goes. Lord knows, I have had issues with that!
I thought back to dating Marcy, and there was a woman who was skinny as could be. She had a great butt, was very skinny, and generally attractive. And did I feel any better about being with her? not really - maybe just a little less concerned about what other people thought. But only as far as physical stuff went, because it was her personality that made me totally self-conscious with her. And, something else I was thinking about, the sex with Marcy wasn't good - not at all. So the whole "skinny" thing did not translate into physical pleasure or compatibility at all. This is all stuff I need to remember - stuff that I tend to forget when the "appearance gremlin" starts opening his foul little piehole!!! Lol!
I am glad that I am at least able to see this stuff today. I have a ways to go to fully recover from the negative effects of it, but at least I am not letting it control my every thought and action today. And that my friends, is an absolute blessing - and miracle. For that, and so much more, I am eternally grateful. God is good : )
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Not a match - the story continues
After pressing Wendy a little bit for information about what she actually thought about me, and realizing that she probably wasn't attracted to me at all, I decided to just let her know that I didn't think we were a match, tell her "thank you for the time", and move on. And you know what? I think I am starting to get the hang of this "dating" thing and am finally comfortable with the process that Diana described : going on at least 500 dates before getting truly frustrated about not finding someone; realizing that it's a numbers game; not taking it personally when things don't work out; not getting dscouraged and dropping out after 3 or 4 unsuccesful dates. I am starting to settle into this new mindframe.
I have not removed my profile, gotten cynical, or given up yet. I am hanging in there and just taking it easy. I am open and available, but not deperate. I still try to send out a few messages a week on POF. Even though it seems I have already messaged all the women I find intriguing, I manage to find a couple of new ones to contact. And even though I check and see that they have viewed me, but not responded, I don't let it get me down - I just keep on keepin' on. And I am TOTALLY amazed when I think back to a year or 2 ago, and just how frustrated and depressed I would get after only a few unsuccesful dates or contacts. Wow... healing is possible. Re-learning how to act and be really is possible. Wow.
I love it too. I am actually feeling a sense of 'normalcy' about the whole dating/being single thing - something I used to think might never happen. I am just so grateful that I am here now, and pray that I can stay. I think as long as I continue participating in my sobriety, continue my twice a day meditation schedule, continue working out and eating healthy, continue seeing Diana once a month - I think I can maintain what I have gained, and grow and heal even more.
So even if I am single for the next 10 years, I can be so happily, and enjoy my life to its fullest. I can love myself even more, andd enjoy the time with my friends, family and co-workers even more. I can grow even more spiritually, and more fully develop my conscious contact with my Higher Power - the Universe and all that is. I can fully accept and believe that just because I am single does not mean I am alone. I am never alone - never. What a gift it is to know - even better to FEEL - that today... :)
I have not removed my profile, gotten cynical, or given up yet. I am hanging in there and just taking it easy. I am open and available, but not deperate. I still try to send out a few messages a week on POF. Even though it seems I have already messaged all the women I find intriguing, I manage to find a couple of new ones to contact. And even though I check and see that they have viewed me, but not responded, I don't let it get me down - I just keep on keepin' on. And I am TOTALLY amazed when I think back to a year or 2 ago, and just how frustrated and depressed I would get after only a few unsuccesful dates or contacts. Wow... healing is possible. Re-learning how to act and be really is possible. Wow.
I love it too. I am actually feeling a sense of 'normalcy' about the whole dating/being single thing - something I used to think might never happen. I am just so grateful that I am here now, and pray that I can stay. I think as long as I continue participating in my sobriety, continue my twice a day meditation schedule, continue working out and eating healthy, continue seeing Diana once a month - I think I can maintain what I have gained, and grow and heal even more.
So even if I am single for the next 10 years, I can be so happily, and enjoy my life to its fullest. I can love myself even more, andd enjoy the time with my friends, family and co-workers even more. I can grow even more spiritually, and more fully develop my conscious contact with my Higher Power - the Universe and all that is. I can fully accept and believe that just because I am single does not mean I am alone. I am never alone - never. What a gift it is to know - even better to FEEL - that today... :)
Friday, June 25, 2010
Busy week, big day tomorrow
Wow, I guess I have actually been pretty busy at work this week! Considering the fact that my only post this week was on Monday. That's a good thing though. I have been really challenged with some JavaScript stuff in the project I am working on (Better Together 2010) and it has been very rewarding, as one of my work-related goals has been able to increase my proficiency in JavaScript. I just had a bit of a breakthrough, so I thought I would take a moment to "celebrate" by catching up here a little bit. Turns out I was making something MUCH more complicated than it really was (imagine that! Ha ha!)- accessing the value of a control sent to a JavaScript method. All I had to do was 'control.value', but instead I was trying all kinds of whacky stuff. D'oh!
So tomorrow is the big date with Wendy. I say big not so much because I have big expectations, but because I have big expectations! Lol. JK. Actually, I say big because I have really been looking forward to it, and we have a nice day planned - going to a photography exhibit at the art museum, which I have never been to, and then to a nice lunch at some place Jamie suggested called Maizie's. So, even if the date is a bomb, which I seriously doubt, it should be fun just going to some new places. And based on the conversation we had last Saturday, I am thinking that at the least, we should have some more great convo.
I have to mention here that I was really surprised and excited yesterday to have gotten 3 emails from Wendy! Granted, they were all pretty short, the mere fact that she sent three is pretty cool. She is definitely not a big electronic communicator, and that's very interesting, for the simple fact that that was one of the biggest things I needed to work on - my expectations regarding communication with someone I am getting to know, dating, or in a relationship with. Havign had the realizations I have had over the past month or so, I have not let my mind and it's silly thoughts about it get the best of me, and instead, I have been ok - truly ok - with the level of communication between us. And you know what? It has felt really good to be ok with it. Sure, there have been a few times when my mind starting thinking those old, lack-based thoughts. But I was able to avoid acting on them, and instead find patience and peace. What a blessing!
And I am very, very grateful, because something inside me says this woman (am I really going to say this? I guess I am!) could be 'the one.' I hesitate to say that, because I don't want to get all obsessed and emotionally tied to her right off the bat. And incredibly enough, even though something inside is telling me that, I am able to maintain a healthy "whatever will be will be, and I am ok" attitude about it all; if things work out, great; if things don't work out, great. And instead of just paying myself lip service and saying that to myself but not really believing and accepting it deep inside, I really am this time. Sure, it would be nice if some type of little relationship developed. But if it doesn't, I am ok.
For the first time in a long time, I am very confident about myself and my ability to attract a woman. I look good - my body looks REALLY good.I am in great shape, and as a result, I have more confidence in my physical appearance. As a result of that, I radiate a more confident, less desperate aura about me, and I'm sure that is much more attractive to women. And I am bettering myself in so many ways : eating healthier, working out, meditating more, practicing more self-appraisal and actually acting on those things I find that need some healing.
So yeah, tomorrow is a big day. But then, every day is a big day, right? It's just a matter of taking in each day as it is, for what is, and making mthe most of the lessons and opportunities that present themselves - opportunities to love, learn, grow, heal, help and experience. Yeah, I like the sound of that... Life is good!
So tomorrow is the big date with Wendy. I say big not so much because I have big expectations, but because I have big expectations! Lol. JK. Actually, I say big because I have really been looking forward to it, and we have a nice day planned - going to a photography exhibit at the art museum, which I have never been to, and then to a nice lunch at some place Jamie suggested called Maizie's. So, even if the date is a bomb, which I seriously doubt, it should be fun just going to some new places. And based on the conversation we had last Saturday, I am thinking that at the least, we should have some more great convo.
I have to mention here that I was really surprised and excited yesterday to have gotten 3 emails from Wendy! Granted, they were all pretty short, the mere fact that she sent three is pretty cool. She is definitely not a big electronic communicator, and that's very interesting, for the simple fact that that was one of the biggest things I needed to work on - my expectations regarding communication with someone I am getting to know, dating, or in a relationship with. Havign had the realizations I have had over the past month or so, I have not let my mind and it's silly thoughts about it get the best of me, and instead, I have been ok - truly ok - with the level of communication between us. And you know what? It has felt really good to be ok with it. Sure, there have been a few times when my mind starting thinking those old, lack-based thoughts. But I was able to avoid acting on them, and instead find patience and peace. What a blessing!
And I am very, very grateful, because something inside me says this woman (am I really going to say this? I guess I am!) could be 'the one.' I hesitate to say that, because I don't want to get all obsessed and emotionally tied to her right off the bat. And incredibly enough, even though something inside is telling me that, I am able to maintain a healthy "whatever will be will be, and I am ok" attitude about it all; if things work out, great; if things don't work out, great. And instead of just paying myself lip service and saying that to myself but not really believing and accepting it deep inside, I really am this time. Sure, it would be nice if some type of little relationship developed. But if it doesn't, I am ok.
For the first time in a long time, I am very confident about myself and my ability to attract a woman. I look good - my body looks REALLY good.I am in great shape, and as a result, I have more confidence in my physical appearance. As a result of that, I radiate a more confident, less desperate aura about me, and I'm sure that is much more attractive to women. And I am bettering myself in so many ways : eating healthier, working out, meditating more, practicing more self-appraisal and actually acting on those things I find that need some healing.
So yeah, tomorrow is a big day. But then, every day is a big day, right? It's just a matter of taking in each day as it is, for what is, and making mthe most of the lessons and opportunities that present themselves - opportunities to love, learn, grow, heal, help and experience. Yeah, I like the sound of that... Life is good!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Self-discovery, communication, and a little insanity
Ok, so the title of this post might be a weeeee bit overly dramatic, but I was trying to think of a way to sum up all the things that I am experiencing right now, and that seemed to be the best summation (actually, I originally had "general insanity" and changed it to "a little" so soften it! Lol). So I made it through the entire day yesterday without texting, emailing or calling Dana - that's good, right? Yes, it is. What was not so good, or at least not so comfortable, was just how STRONG the urge was to contact her, and the silly places my head went because she hadn't contacted me.
This morning I texted her and asked if we were still on for meeting tonight at 6pm, to which she basically said "yes", but could we make it 6:30, to which I said yes, to which she said "Great!" Now I was taken aback by this, because I was certain she had blown me off or otherwise forsaken me, because my expectations of communication are what they are. And I am starting to think, in fact I am fairly certain, that my "expectations" for communication frequency are out of touch with reality, and causing me much grief. I mean, when I look back at my last 3 relationships (although the time with Michelle was pretty brief to actually be called a relationship), that one issue was basically the direct cause, or the main instigator of each of my decisions to cut things off - with Tina, with Michelle, with Ty, and almost to Dana now.
But thank goodness for self-awareness, and the seemingly newfound ability I have to actually observe my thoughts, study them, and then determine whether or not it would be in my, or another's best interest to act on them. I have caught myself several times lately - several times a day - catching myself thinking of doing something, and saying to myself, 'wait - I don't think that's really such a good idea - what is it going to accomplish?' What really blows me away is HOW MANY of those types of thoughts I have! And the crazy frequency at which they come.
For example, in this situation with Dana - I thought about sending her a text saying something like "I wasn't sure if you still wanted to see me cuz I haven't heard from you." So I thought about that - what would it accomplish? Well, if she had been busy with work, or family or something, she might have thought 'what gives? I was busy. Is this guy totally codependent or what?' Or she might have wondered why I would think that she doesn't want to see me simply because of that, that I must be extremely insecure. Or her communication style might be of the old fashioned variety, that the guy initiates contact, in which case she might think, 'wait - you didn't contact me, so what are you saying here?' The common thread here is that none of these is a good outcome, so it was not in my, or her best interest to send something like that. So I didn't. And that fact alone is HUGE progress for me! I actually stopped myself, looked at the thoughts, did not just act on them, but studied them, and then made a conscious decision to NOT act on them. Wow....
You know, I'm not sure if it is the morning meditation that has helped usher this new awareness in, the counselling, the Program, or a combination of all (the most likely possibility), but I am enthralled by the mere concept of it, and blown away by the fact that I am actually able to do this now. I really have never known just how crazy some of my thoughts were, and how completely the ruled, and in many cases ruined, the opportunities that presented themselves in my life. How many relationships did I sabotage/destroy/walk away from because of thoughts like those I described? How many people did I estrange from me because of crazy thoughts? How much mental and psychological pain did I inflict upon myself? It really, totally and completely blows me away. It is like I am awake for the first time in my life - it sends chills down my spine.
So now of course, the question is, can I keep it up, and can I learn to change those thoughts? I am learning how to see them for what they are, and to stop myself from acting on them - the next step is to change the actual thoughts themselves, and the base ideas about life and myself that they spring from. As recently as 2 or 3 months ago, I would have seriously doubted - in fact I did seriously doubt - that I could ever change some of those thoughts, let alone heal those places inside from which they come. But this newfound awareness and ability has re-invigorated me, and filled me with an energy, hope and faith that I have not felt in a very long time. I am extremely grateful to be who I am, where I am, when I am, and grateful for that awareness that surpasses anything I have ever known. Thank you God!
This morning I texted her and asked if we were still on for meeting tonight at 6pm, to which she basically said "yes", but could we make it 6:30, to which I said yes, to which she said "Great!" Now I was taken aback by this, because I was certain she had blown me off or otherwise forsaken me, because my expectations of communication are what they are. And I am starting to think, in fact I am fairly certain, that my "expectations" for communication frequency are out of touch with reality, and causing me much grief. I mean, when I look back at my last 3 relationships (although the time with Michelle was pretty brief to actually be called a relationship), that one issue was basically the direct cause, or the main instigator of each of my decisions to cut things off - with Tina, with Michelle, with Ty, and almost to Dana now.
But thank goodness for self-awareness, and the seemingly newfound ability I have to actually observe my thoughts, study them, and then determine whether or not it would be in my, or another's best interest to act on them. I have caught myself several times lately - several times a day - catching myself thinking of doing something, and saying to myself, 'wait - I don't think that's really such a good idea - what is it going to accomplish?' What really blows me away is HOW MANY of those types of thoughts I have! And the crazy frequency at which they come.
For example, in this situation with Dana - I thought about sending her a text saying something like "I wasn't sure if you still wanted to see me cuz I haven't heard from you." So I thought about that - what would it accomplish? Well, if she had been busy with work, or family or something, she might have thought 'what gives? I was busy. Is this guy totally codependent or what?' Or she might have wondered why I would think that she doesn't want to see me simply because of that, that I must be extremely insecure. Or her communication style might be of the old fashioned variety, that the guy initiates contact, in which case she might think, 'wait - you didn't contact me, so what are you saying here?' The common thread here is that none of these is a good outcome, so it was not in my, or her best interest to send something like that. So I didn't. And that fact alone is HUGE progress for me! I actually stopped myself, looked at the thoughts, did not just act on them, but studied them, and then made a conscious decision to NOT act on them. Wow....
You know, I'm not sure if it is the morning meditation that has helped usher this new awareness in, the counselling, the Program, or a combination of all (the most likely possibility), but I am enthralled by the mere concept of it, and blown away by the fact that I am actually able to do this now. I really have never known just how crazy some of my thoughts were, and how completely the ruled, and in many cases ruined, the opportunities that presented themselves in my life. How many relationships did I sabotage/destroy/walk away from because of thoughts like those I described? How many people did I estrange from me because of crazy thoughts? How much mental and psychological pain did I inflict upon myself? It really, totally and completely blows me away. It is like I am awake for the first time in my life - it sends chills down my spine.
So now of course, the question is, can I keep it up, and can I learn to change those thoughts? I am learning how to see them for what they are, and to stop myself from acting on them - the next step is to change the actual thoughts themselves, and the base ideas about life and myself that they spring from. As recently as 2 or 3 months ago, I would have seriously doubted - in fact I did seriously doubt - that I could ever change some of those thoughts, let alone heal those places inside from which they come. But this newfound awareness and ability has re-invigorated me, and filled me with an energy, hope and faith that I have not felt in a very long time. I am extremely grateful to be who I am, where I am, when I am, and grateful for that awareness that surpasses anything I have ever known. Thank you God!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Back to Basics
Things are back to the basics again, and it should be no surprise. Seems like I am just more comfortable being single than being in a relationship. Truth be told, I am one demanding MF, and I have yet to meet a woman - if such a woman even exists - that meets all of my "standards" and expectations.
At this point, it may have become clear that my intimate relationship with Ty has come to an end - at least for now. That's not to say we had some big argument and that we will never speak again. It is to say that I found myself being more and more critical of her, she noticed as well, and finally got sick of it. I can't say that I blame her, and in fact, if she hadn't gotten sick of it, I would be truly concerned about her. I am glad that she has someone like her friend Tim to guide and consult her, as he seems to genuinely care about her and is aware of her issues and weaknesses regarding men.
I think that for me, the main reason I am so critical of her is the simple fact that she just isn't what I am looking for right now in my life. Just like the girl I dated before, and whom I briefly touched bases with this weekend - Michelle - wasn't. I feel strange saying this, and was originally going to say I feel horrible, but you know what? I don't feel horrible. The truth is that I have worked very hard to get myself into great shape. I have been working out 3-4 times a week, eating healthy, taking vitamins/supplements, and doing crunches and other ab exercises every night before bed. And I want a woman who is also in great shape. I don't know if I dare say I have "earned" it, but I will say that I do not feel hypocritical in wanting that now.
And I have even begun to wonder about the kind of relationship I want, or need. I am starting to think that maybe I have it all wrong - that instead of looking for some nice woman who has at least a decent body, and trying to form some lasting, committed, serious relationship, maybe I should just look for some woman who has a great body, enjoy a purely sexual relationship with her, and just forget the rest. I don't know that I am even fit to have a committed relationship anyway, and it seems like I am always trying to fit the women I date into some perfect mold of physical beauty that I have in my head. To be honest, I don't even know how much I enjoy the "full on" relationships. Sure, the cuddling and snuggling, hand holding and all that sounds good to begin with. But it seems to lose it's luster, and then just the sex is left, because I end up getting tired of all the other stuff.
I am sitting here thinking that this is the most honest I have been with myself in a very long time. I am realizing that I have been fooling myself into thinking that I want some perfect relationship, when in reality, there is no such thing. And I have been telling myself that I am afraid I will end up like my mom and be alone and miserable, when I don't really know that being without some "life partner" would be all that miserable for me. I wouldn't be alone like my mom for the simple fact that I have, and plan on maintaining, a good relationship with my kids. I have relationships with healthy, sober people like Todd, Tori, Jim Burns, etc. And I will always have my AA family - I will never be alone.
So today, I open my eyes to the truth of who I am and what I want. I release the feelings of guilt, shame, and judgment I have about being in a relationship only for sex, and accept the truth of who I am and what I want. And I open myself to the possibility of letting the Universe, God, bring into my life that which is best for me. I let go of the reins, and make a new vow to not hurt any more women by trying to "make" them what I want to be. If I encounter a woman who is attracted to me, and I don't 'want' her, I will simply let her go and avoid selfishly clinging to avoid being "alone." I will be true to myself, whatever that truth may be, and have faith that everything is, and will be, as it should be. Namo Amidha Buddha.
At this point, it may have become clear that my intimate relationship with Ty has come to an end - at least for now. That's not to say we had some big argument and that we will never speak again. It is to say that I found myself being more and more critical of her, she noticed as well, and finally got sick of it. I can't say that I blame her, and in fact, if she hadn't gotten sick of it, I would be truly concerned about her. I am glad that she has someone like her friend Tim to guide and consult her, as he seems to genuinely care about her and is aware of her issues and weaknesses regarding men.
I think that for me, the main reason I am so critical of her is the simple fact that she just isn't what I am looking for right now in my life. Just like the girl I dated before, and whom I briefly touched bases with this weekend - Michelle - wasn't. I feel strange saying this, and was originally going to say I feel horrible, but you know what? I don't feel horrible. The truth is that I have worked very hard to get myself into great shape. I have been working out 3-4 times a week, eating healthy, taking vitamins/supplements, and doing crunches and other ab exercises every night before bed. And I want a woman who is also in great shape. I don't know if I dare say I have "earned" it, but I will say that I do not feel hypocritical in wanting that now.
And I have even begun to wonder about the kind of relationship I want, or need. I am starting to think that maybe I have it all wrong - that instead of looking for some nice woman who has at least a decent body, and trying to form some lasting, committed, serious relationship, maybe I should just look for some woman who has a great body, enjoy a purely sexual relationship with her, and just forget the rest. I don't know that I am even fit to have a committed relationship anyway, and it seems like I am always trying to fit the women I date into some perfect mold of physical beauty that I have in my head. To be honest, I don't even know how much I enjoy the "full on" relationships. Sure, the cuddling and snuggling, hand holding and all that sounds good to begin with. But it seems to lose it's luster, and then just the sex is left, because I end up getting tired of all the other stuff.
I am sitting here thinking that this is the most honest I have been with myself in a very long time. I am realizing that I have been fooling myself into thinking that I want some perfect relationship, when in reality, there is no such thing. And I have been telling myself that I am afraid I will end up like my mom and be alone and miserable, when I don't really know that being without some "life partner" would be all that miserable for me. I wouldn't be alone like my mom for the simple fact that I have, and plan on maintaining, a good relationship with my kids. I have relationships with healthy, sober people like Todd, Tori, Jim Burns, etc. And I will always have my AA family - I will never be alone.
So today, I open my eyes to the truth of who I am and what I want. I release the feelings of guilt, shame, and judgment I have about being in a relationship only for sex, and accept the truth of who I am and what I want. And I open myself to the possibility of letting the Universe, God, bring into my life that which is best for me. I let go of the reins, and make a new vow to not hurt any more women by trying to "make" them what I want to be. If I encounter a woman who is attracted to me, and I don't 'want' her, I will simply let her go and avoid selfishly clinging to avoid being "alone." I will be true to myself, whatever that truth may be, and have faith that everything is, and will be, as it should be. Namo Amidha Buddha.
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