Back to Basics

Things are back to the basics again, and it should be no surprise. Seems like I am just more comfortable being single than being in a relationship. Truth be told, I am one demanding MF, and I have yet to meet a woman - if such a woman even exists - that meets all of my "standards" and expectations.

At this point, it may have become clear that my intimate relationship with Ty has come to an end - at least for now. That's not to say we had some big argument and that we will never speak again. It is to say that I found myself being more and more critical of her, she noticed as well, and finally got sick of it. I can't say that I blame her, and in fact, if she hadn't gotten sick of it, I would be truly concerned about her. I am glad that she has someone like her friend Tim to guide and consult her, as he seems to genuinely care about her and is aware of her issues and weaknesses regarding men.

I think that for me, the main reason I am so critical of her is the simple fact that she just isn't what I am looking for right now in my life. Just like the girl I dated before, and whom I briefly touched bases with this weekend - Michelle - wasn't. I feel strange saying this, and was originally going to say I feel horrible, but you know what? I don't feel horrible. The truth is that I have worked very hard to get myself into great shape. I have been working out 3-4 times a week, eating healthy, taking vitamins/supplements, and doing crunches and other ab exercises every night before bed. And I want a woman who is also in great shape. I don't know if I dare say I have "earned" it, but I will say that I do not feel hypocritical in wanting that now.

And I have even begun to wonder about the kind of relationship I want, or need. I am starting to think that maybe I have it all wrong - that instead of looking for some nice woman who has at least a decent body, and trying to form some lasting, committed, serious relationship, maybe I should just look for some woman who has a great body, enjoy a purely sexual relationship with her, and just forget the rest. I don't know that I am even fit to have a committed relationship anyway, and it seems like I am always trying to fit the women I date into some perfect mold of physical beauty that I have in my head. To be honest, I don't even know how much I enjoy the "full on" relationships. Sure, the cuddling and snuggling, hand holding and all that sounds good to begin with. But it seems to lose it's luster, and then just the sex is left, because I end up getting tired of all the other stuff.

I am sitting here thinking that this is the most honest I have been with myself in a very long time. I am realizing that I have been fooling myself into thinking that I want some perfect relationship, when in reality, there is no such thing. And I have been telling myself that I am afraid I will end up like my mom and be alone and miserable, when I don't really know that being without some "life partner" would be all that miserable for me. I wouldn't be alone like my mom for the simple fact that I have, and plan on maintaining, a good relationship with my kids. I have relationships with healthy, sober people like Todd, Tori, Jim Burns, etc. And I will always have my AA family - I will never be alone.

So today, I open my eyes to the truth of who I am and what I want. I release the feelings of guilt, shame, and judgment I have about being in a relationship only for sex, and accept the truth of who I am and what I want. And I open myself to the possibility of letting the Universe, God, bring into my life that which is best for me. I let go of the reins, and make a new vow to not hurt any more women by trying to "make" them what I want to be. If I encounter a woman who is attracted to me, and I don't 'want' her, I will simply let her go and avoid selfishly clinging to avoid being "alone." I will be true to myself, whatever that truth may be, and have faith that everything is, and will be, as it should be. Namo Amidha Buddha.