The persistence of disappointment

Yesterday, after about 6 months this round, I killed my POF profile. That little cancel situation with DeAnna was just enough to send me over the top - or straight to the bottom, depending on how you look at it. I think I did much better this go round, as I stuck it out longer, and actually met up with and corresponded with a lot more women. But, as it goes, I am once again burnt out on putting myself out there, and ready to just crawl back into the "Kevin" cocoon, where it is warm and safe again.

And that is what I am trying to avoid this time - the depression and sense of disappointment that seem to come from each round of 'looking.' To make it worse, I usually end up thinking about my brother his beautiful wife, Mikey and his new fiance', Jamie and Dawn, Mac and Paula - everyone AND someone else. I start thinking I am like one of the last people I know who is single, and like maybe there is something wrong with me. That then degenerates into "I'm not handsome enough," "I'm not tall enough," "I'm not rich enough," "I'm not talented enough" - I'm just not enough.

I am really trying to avoid going down into that rabbit hole of self deprectation though. It is a well-known behavior now, and knowing that, I am going to make an even more concerted effort to stave off those negative thoughts. I am picking up "The Four Agreements" tonight after work, and I am going to start reading that. I am supposed to meet with Richard (my sponsor) tomorrow night after the meeting and hope to talk about some different stuff related to relationships. I am going to make more time for friends, like Heather and Sharon and plan stuff with them so I don't feel so "lonely". I am going to continue working out and meditating regularly and taking care of myself so I have that to feel good about. I will not go quietly into that bitter morass of self-pity and disappointment - no I will not!

So last night, I went into bed early, around 9am to get some good meditation in. As I was laying there, about 5 minutes in, my cell phone rang. I picked it up, and was shocked to see that it was Barbara who was calling. I had sent her a very brief text message earlier in the night that said simply "Thought I'd say 'Hi'. Ok. Bye :)" and hadn't heard anything back, which was adding a little to the sense of disappointment I was experiencing. (oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention that I was feeling pretty bummed last night). I answered, and we talked for about 20-30 minutes. It was a nice conversation, and I was actually really happy she called - it sparked the flame of hope that was starting to dwindle in my overly-sensitive heart. Of course, I didn't assign any romatic meaning to it, I was just glad she called at all, as I was thinking it was pretty cold and inconsiderate to just ignore me altogether.

I am in a better mood today, and I am going to move forward as I said above. It's funny - I am sitting here at work listening to Cold Play, and the line that was just sung was "Life is for living I know, I just don't wanna' live it alone.' Ironic, as I am sitting here trying to convince myself that I am fine and dandy without a partner! Lol. I was thinking last night that what I really want is that someone who misses me when they don't see me; that someone who wants to know how my day went and what happened; that someone who wants to comfort me when I am sad and share the laughter when I am happy; someone who wants me to be all those things for them. I want to be that other person for someone. I just have to figure out a way to still hold onto that desire, yet not let it cause me unnecessary sadness and pain. That, I think, is the true goal for me. Yeah, that should be easy enough, right? Yeah, right! Lol! God help me - seriously!

Not gonna' go there this time

Well, just when I thought I had gotten into a place of real acceptance about being single and was feeling pretty good about it, something comes out of the blue to change that. Maybe. Anyway, when I was going to DeVry, I got to know the lady who was the Student Services coordinator pretty well. Her name was Stephanie, and she was a very pretty, petite, polite woman that I quickly developed a strong attraction to. Of course she was married, and so I did my best to be respectful of that. Although we did go out to lunch one day at David Kwan's Chinese Buffet, and I proceeded to reveal the fact that I felt that I was falling in love with her. She took it like a real trooper, and even though things were a little awkward between us after that, they weren't as bad as I might have thought they would be.

Fast forward to yesterday. I found Steph's profile on FB a couple of weeks ago, and thought it was curious that she listed her relationship status as "in a relationship" instead of married. I investigated a little more, and noticed that there was no male figure in any of the pictures on her profile - just her, and pics of her 2 kids. Of course my mind starting humming, thinking maybe she had gotten divorced - boo yahhh! So I sent her off what I am sure was a very thinly veiled excuse to find out. Last night I got a message back from her to find out that indeed, she is divorced, but that she ids dating someone. Shit - missed again. That's what I'm thinking.

But, never one to just give up, I sent her a message back stating that if things didn't work out with her current relationship, I would love the opportunity to take her out to dinner. Now I am sure that, first of all, she probably thinks I am some desperate, lovelorn kook (which isn't really too far from the truth I guess!) and wouldn't go on a date with me even if she was single. Secondly, she is probably dating some guy who has a lot more to offer - with less "accessories" - than I do, and there is no way she would give that up for me, or someone like me. And lastly, she probably didn't find me attractive in that way, and doesn't now. So even if the 'stars were all aligned properly', i.e. I had no kids, I was well off, I was a more confident, secure person - she still wouldn't date me. Wow - there's a breath of sunshine up your ass, hunh?!?!?

So what does this all mean? Well, I could get all derailed from my newfound happiness and start obsessing on this new situation, getting down on myself because once again, I have/will "lose out"; once again, the possibility that the Cinderella story, the Lady and the Tramp, the Sleepless in Seattle story will remain just a fading dream, and I will remain single for some unspecified length of time, while the guy that Stephanie is dating enjoys the presence of the woman that should be mine. Geez, I am even making my own stomach turn with all that crizzapp!

OR, I could remind myself of the Buddhist teachings I have beens studying over the last few years, and remind myself that attachment to my desires is suffering. The amount that I suffer over this is ultimately up to me, and how important it is for me to retain my attachment to that "Sleepless in Seattle" dream. How is that dream benefitting me today? Is it worth retaining my attachment to it? For so many years, that dream was my "ace in the hole," my saving grace, my only hope of happiness in this life.

But I have grown as a person since then, and as I have studied the dharma more and more, I have come to realize that my salvation is right here, in this moment, and independent of anyone else. There is suffering, and attachment to my desires is the cause of that suffering. There is also cessation of suffering, and in knowing that, I can decide to let go of those attachments, and with them, the suffering too. And so that is what I am working on today. Because I have decided that I would rather be free of the suffering, and the causes of suffering, than experience some temporary bliss that will be unreal and impermanent anyway. I think I really am becoming a true student of the dharma, and I am so grateful for that. It is offering me a chance to see that the suffering is real - but that there is a path that leads to cessation of suffering. And that is my new dream - to walk that path and find the true freedom my spirit craves.