Hungry for lovin'

Ok - what I am now experiencing now, at this moment, this day, is not desperation in the sense of "Oh, I need a girlfriend SO badly!!!" No, that is not it - not at all. Oh, I am desperate all right, but more along these lines : "OMG - I am DYING to have some GREAT SEX with a woman!!!! Aaarrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!" Ha ha! Yes, that is what I am feeling right now. I suppose I should say thinking, to be "psycholgically correct", but believe me - I am feeling it too.

Sure, Ty and I were together twice. And while, at a base level, it was somewhat satisfying, it was not overly pleasurable as I was not very attracted to her, and did not find her body very appealing at all. Lord forgive me for thinking this way, and if she were ever to read this... But one must remember that when I last saw her naked, she was 21 years old, a size 2, and in her physical prime. It was extremely hard to reconcile the image of her back then with the image I saw recently. So no, it was not entirely satisfying, and I find that I am CRAVING some good sex again. Damn, that time with Tina made it so hard to go without! And that door is shut for good - slammed and bolted tight. In fact, she is probably due sometime soon.

My question is, what the hell am I going to do? I mean, other than the old standby pudd whackin' of course. While that does a pretty good job of releasing the sexual tension, it does nothing to satiate my craving to take a woman's supple breast in my mouth, to reach around her and feel the softness of her bare ass on my hands, to kiss her soft lips, and feel the raking of her nails across my back. DAMN! I am going to go kuckoo! I am starting to honestly think I am going to have to do something I have never before done in my life and get a hooker - either here in Phoenix, Nevada, or wherever the hell I have to go. Thing is, I don't want just any woman - I want one who is fairly 'clean', that is attractive physically, otherwise it will just be waste of cash.

Of course, if I were to look at this from my highest self, and from the teachings of the Buddha, I might think that what I really need to do is let go of the craving for sex - that the craving is the real issue, and not the fact that I can't find anyone to have sex with. And, to be honest, a part of me would love nothing more than that. But I think there is a part of me that is afraid to let that go, afraid that I might never get it back if I do, and that that would render somewhat "incapable" of certain things in future relationships. In fact, I remember reading something in the last book on Buddhism about that very subject - fear of letting go of those cravings and the impact it might have on relationships. And even though I want to completely believe what was said, it is not all that easy - not yet anyways.

Well, it is almost time to head out and start the weekend. Who knows what it will bring. Tess is going to come spend the weekend at home, she has been missing me (and her brother I'm sure) and I have been missing her too. So it should be a nice, family weekend. And maybe, just maybe, someone from POF will actually REPLY and I can begin the process of getting to know someone again. And it might be a good idea for me to read more about letting go of those cravings - I'm just sayin'... :)