Last night was not a good night. I actually starting feeling a little ill after writing that last entry, and when I got home, was feeling pretty down. I finally got sick of the kids rooms being so disgusting, and went in and cleaned both of them up. While at first I was able to keep my cool about it, I quickly moved to assigning some greater meaning to it - like their lack of ability to clean their rooms was a clear showing of disrespect and ingratitude - and I proceeded to go off a little bit. Tessi wasn't there, but Galen was. After which I went in my room, crawled into bed, and played some meditation stuff - "Invitation to Healing" I think.
I later got up, threw a couple loads of laundry in, and went to pick up Tess. I was none too happy when I picked her up either, and when we got home, she proceeded to clean their bathroom up, as well as the kitchen. It was a nice gesture, but lost on me, as I was pretty well in one of the most severe depressions I have experienced in the last 6 or 7 months by then. I got the clothes out of the dryers, and proceeded to put a pile of clothes on each of their bedroom floors. I decided I am not going to the trouble to fold it all nicely for them anymore when all they do is throw them on the floor. I can save myself some time, and save them the interim step.
Barb texted before she went to watch the movie and asked if she could call me after. I told her yes initially, then decided I really didn't want to talk to her. So I texted back and said I would be going to bed early and that I didn't feel well - all true. I sent her an email stating how I felt and what I was thinking, that I thought there were some pretty clear signs from the universe about all this; that I thought she was taking my inventory a little too much; that she seemed to be calling my ego out a lot while not recognizing her own; that I was looking for romance while she was looking for friends. I basically laid it all out on the table. To which she replied with something of the nature of "I didn't realize I was doing this stuff," and "this is getting exhausting," and "I just want to be a positive force in your life - I trigger something in you, and it is for you to find out why that is".
She is absolutely right, she does trigger something in me. At first, it was pure adoration and desire. Here I saw a woman - a beautiful woman with deep spiritual beliefs and a fertile mins. She also had humility and approachability. And after the exchanges we had that first night, and all of the synchronicities we (or at least I) experienced, I felt a certain sense of serendipity, like this was meant to be - like she was the one.
But as seems to be the case with all things that seem too good to be true, it wasn't what I had hoped it would be. Did I make the mistake of falling way too quickly? Yes. Did I get way too caught up in emotionalism and romantic delusion? Yes, apparently. Do I think I was wrong to do so? Perhaps. Would I have done anything differently? No, probably not. I honestly felt something I have not felt before - not since Ty and I first got together, and I don't even think that was as strong. And there seemed to be some kind of universal 'conspiracy' or imperative pushing this idea that we were perfect for each other. Again, at least I thought so. And who am I to go against the Universe?
But maybe I read way too much into it, and maybe it was just what it was : a bunch of coincidences, a strong connection, a lot of energy swirling around. And maybe that isn't as rare as I think...? Maybe I am assigning far too much "uniqueness" to this. Maybe the connection we seemed to share is something that can manifest with some other woman - maybe several different women. In the end, she may not be so special after all, and that may be a lesson for me in itself.
I'm not sure what is going to happen now. I know that I am not going to contact her again for awhile. I think the "exhausting" comment pretty well summed up her feelings, and how should would like to proceed at this time. So I am going to let go for now, and see what else the Universe has going on. I have a number of AA things I need to participate in at the SRI Roundup this weekend, being a member of 2 homegroups and all. And my college buddy John is in town from Texas, and we are trying to get the old KBJ team together for a "reunion" like we do whenever he is in town. And Sharon is divorcing Bob, and she mentioned maybe getting together for coffee tomorrow. So I won't be lonely and without things to do - that's for sure!
And that I think is the beauty of all this : yes, I was really down last night. But I have been able to bounce back very quickly, and I have a very busy, happy and full life to embrace no matter what happens on the "dating" front. My life is balanced today, and while it would be nice to find a sweetheart to share some romance with, I am ok with being patient and waiting for the right one. I am not alone, nor am I lonely. My life is full, and for that, I am very, very grateful to God, the Universe, and all that is :)
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