I wish I never....

There are sometimes in life when I think to myself, "I wish I never..." Like with meth - I wish I had never even tried that stuff. Like with leaving South Dakota - I wish we had never moved from there, so far away from our family. Like now, with Barbara - I wish I had never met her. I know that sounds like a very strong thing to say, but it's true.

It seems like ever since we met, I just can't seem to shake the desire and longing I have for her. And I am not talking in a sexual way - not at all. Not that she isn't attractive, because she is. But this is something more than that - much more. And to be honest, I hate it, I really do. I wish I could just completely forget about her, forget about us meeting, forget about all of it, and just move on. But for some reason, I keep clinging on to the little scraps she throws me. It's really pathetic actually. I think with any other woman, I would have totally blown them off by now and just moved on. For whatever reason, I have not been able to do that with Barbara.

Now I was doing a pretty good job of just forgetting all about it (as much as I could anyway), then last weekend, out of nowhere, she texted me saying "Good morning" and something about the fact that she was still "mulling over the idea of friends." Why the hell did she have to do that? I mean, according to her, she is just too busy for ANY kind of relationship in her life right now, even friendship, so what's the point in sending me a message at all? Maybe just to fuck with me? Or is it that she knows just how good a match I am for her, and what a great guy I am, so she wants to keep me hanging on, just in case she decides to actually go with her instincts? One thing is certain - I don't know what the hell to think about it.

I do know that I wished we wouldn't have met; I wish I wasn't so attracted to her; I wish she wasn't as compatible, spiritually speaking, as she is; I wish we wouldn't have spent the night after we met feverishly texting back and forth, entertaining thoughts of being "meant to be" together; I just wish I hadn't met her at all.

And now - now I wish I could just forget about her. I wish that when she texted me, I could just ignore it. I wish I could just ignore it, delete it, and move on like it never happened, But, for whatever reason, I just have not been able to do that yet. Who knows - maybe I will get to that point though. I am sure going to work on it. I am renting this woman so much space in my head, and it is getting me nothing but misery. Ugh. Fortunately, I have my good Friday night AA meeting tonight, and I am supposed to be going to coffee with my sponsor afterwards, at which time I hope to talk to him about this stuff. So there is hope.

Meanwhile, I am going to try to remind myself that she is just another person, just another human being, just another woman, and that there are more like her out there - she isn't the one and only attractive woman I will ever meet and share interests with. In fact, there may very well be one who is better suited to me out there. And then again, there may be none. Either way, there is nothing positive for me to be gained in obsessing on her, and what "could be" - I have to live in the now, for today, and leave that, as everything else, in the hands of God.

"God, I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me what thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them might bear witness to those I would help, of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy way of Life. May I do your will always. Amen."