Never enough

I was standing in line at Starbuck's this morning, and a pretty woman was about 2 or 3 people behind me. As I glanced at her, I realized that I don't think I will ever feel like I am "enough" to be with a woman like that : not handsome enough, not tall enough, not manly enough, not wealthy enough, not strong enough - just not enough. Inside, I still feel like a little boy sometimes. Even when I met Barbara, and thought there might be a ghost of a chance I might actually get an opportunity to date her, I thought I was "getting away with something," like I was sneaking into a room I wasn't supposed to go in, or getting to sit at the grownups table.

I used to think that if my nose was just smaller... if I was just in better shape... if I was just more handsome.... if I was taller... if I was more athletically gifted... if I was richer... if I was more confident. But I now know that even if I were all those things, I don't think it would change the way I think about myself, or the way I feel inside. I try to fool myself into thinking I am confident, that I love and accept myself, and that I really am "enough." It just doesn't seem to stick though.

I think that the thought about Greg Scheytt coming up may have actually contributed to this too. When I think about the fact that he didn't see me from the time I was 5 months old until I was 16, and then basically bailed out of my life again after a few months, I guess it causes me to think - well, I'm not sure exactly what, but suffice it to say that whatever the thoughts are, they don't create pleasant feelings. They create feelings of shame, based on thoughts that I wasn't enough for him either, that he didn't care about me, and that when I was getting into drugs, he just washed his hands of me, like so much garbage on the scrapheap. Seems like a lot of people do that, and don't have any trouble doing it either.

How does one maintain any sense of self-confidence given these kind of things? I think even my kids wish they lived with someone else. Tessi stayed at Gen's last night, as they knew I wasn't feeling well, and were kind enough to offer to let Tess stay at their place so I could get some rest. When I showed up, they were eating home made softshell tacos Tracee had made, and I couldn't help but think that Tessi would probably love to live with them - with a real family where they had homecooked meals every night. She has mentioned how much she likes that when she stays with her mom. They are probably sick of my weak attempts to provide dinner every night, between Hamburger Helper, eating out, and TV dinners. Pretty pathetic I guess. I'm not much of provider in that respect.

And once again - not enough. Never enough - not as a son, not as a lover, not as a boyfriend, not as a dad, not as a human being. I'm just never enough. It really does seem sometimes that my demise is the only escape from this torturous cycle. I just wish I could die already. Don't want to kill myself - don't want to scar the kids unnecessarily. But if I just died - well, that would be different. Sounds like heaven to me.