...is absolutely nothing at all. That's what my old grand-sponsor Brian Ong said at a meeting one time, and I have never forgotten it. So many times in my life, I have fired out of my mouth whatever was in my mind, and really made a mess for myself - said things I couldn't take back that ended up costing me - relationships, jobs, advancement opportunities, ad infinitum. But yesterday, and several times actually over the last couple of years, I have actually put that into practice, and just said nothing, even though I really, REALLY wanted to say something - most often related to my job and surrounding situations. Like yesterday - I wanted to be a total smartass and say soemthing to Jennifer, like "thanks a lot for taking the time to check out my app." Man, I am SOOOO thankful I just said nothing. I mean, what an asshole I would have felt like if I had, and then somehow been able to look at what was to happen today if I hadn't - thank GOD.
Jennifer sent a couple of emails yesterday late - one saying she was sorry for not getting together with me to look at the app, and one saying that she would be around today in the morning and that, if I was around too, she would like to see it. So, she stopped over just now, I took her through the app, and she really, really liked it - said how nice it looks, and mentioned how happy she thinks Ed Oxford and Peter Fine will be. And I have to say, it felt really good to hear her say that. Like Diana said yesterday (I had an appt with her last night at 4pm), it is ego that wants to hear that stuff, and in reality, it isn't important to hear it. It's just that my ego likes external approval and recognition, so it craves shit like that, and when it doesn't get what it wants, it can throw some serious depression my way. In fact, she lent me a book on the Enneagram and getting "unstuck" and the first parts of it that I read last night were about exactly that - ego, and how it drives us, how it must be destroyed.
Now I'm not so sure about the whole "destroyed" thing. I have read in other texts that instead of trying to destroy it, we might be better off trying to make peace with it, to heal it, and to accept it. It seems that the only people who were able to rid themselves entirely of ego were enlightened masters. And one thing I know for sure right now is that I am no "enlightened master". That's not to say that I can't be someday, and not to say that I don't want to be. It's just stating the fact of what is, for right now.
So thank God, thank Brian Ong, thank Diana and thank and thank me - for keeping my trap shut, and for trodding through the depression that once again gripped me. I may not have completely escaped its ravages, and I may still have said some tough things to the kids, and wallowed in some self-pity. But the things I said to the kids weren't as bad as some of the things I've said; the self-pity was rather limited this time (didn't post a bunch stuff on Facebook); and I didn't quit my job or kill myself. In fact, I didn't do any cutting this time either - all victories for me today. And I am grateful for all of it
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