depression

So here is what I sent to Ty today (and Diana) - spreadin' that joy around :

I am feeling like crap again/still today. On top of it, I am really depressed. I keep trying to tell myself all that "you're a good dad", "this doesn't have anything to do with you", "you have a lot to be grateful for" happy horseshit - but in the end, all I can really hear is the voice of my mom in my head telling me "you've been too easy on him," "you should have put him in sports," "you should have....." "I knew this was going to happen, tried to tell you.... blah blah blah" I try to counteract the voice, but it just keeps pounding on me, and I get tired. So I just let it roll. And roll it does, just like my mom was standing right there, criticizing me, condemning me, belittling me. Top of it off with my own internal abuser, and you have a recipe for self-hatred and deprecation like no other.


I have had no good role models for single parenting really. Most everyone I know has/had a mom and a dad, or a mom and a stepdad, or some shit. All I learned about single parenting from my mom was that it drives you fucking insane, and going out to the bars and getting smashed, or getting involved with some man are some great ways to deal with the stress. And the more I struggle with this, the more I hear shit coming out of mym out that sounds just like my psychotic fucking mom. 7 years of recovery, inumerable counselling sessions, dozens of self-help books, countless hours in meditation, an exercise regimen to help with my fitness and mood, and even anti depressants can't seem to change what I truly am - just a fucking clone of a spiteful, psychotic, unloving hypercritical woman. The only difference - and the real kicker, the real fucked up part of it - is that she didn't have all the help that I do/did. One can only imagine how messed up I would be if I didn't get all the help I did. I probably wouldn't be here. And maybe that would be best.

I'm really sorry to lay all this on you - it's just how I am feeling. I hate myself, I hate this life, I hate being a parent, I hate the fact that I am single and given how fucked up I am probably always will be. I hate being alive today. The best thing I have in my life is one great daughter, and some great friends that I don't deserve.Thanks for being one of them.
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I swear, I really just want to lay down and die today. I would feel really bad for Tessi, I really would. I know she would really miss me. Galen, on the other hand, would probably be glad to be rid of me for awhile. Oh sure, over time I bet he would miss me. But he seems to be doing a great job of throwing his life away on his own, and he doesn't need me to help with that. Then he could REALLY have a reason to be a little "emo", a bad boy with a troubled past and tragedies that haun him.

Man, my left shoulder is KILLING me - maybe I have cancer...? I could be so lucky. That sounds terrible, doesn't it? Well, I am terrible fucking person, so who gives a shit.