Suffering

I took the day off yesterday (PTO) and finished wrapping up all the treasury duties, made a final deposit, and dropped the box of stuff off at Crossroads. I closed the book on that chapter of my life completely. I got several emails from homegroup members asking about how I was doing, and to most I replied kindly that I was just tired of feeling alone in a room of people. To a few others (well, really just one I guess - Stephanie) I sent a somewhat coarser reply, stating that I found it hard to believe that she cared about me as a person when it seemed as though she had never really even acknowledged my existence. She pointed out that we had had "several chats, in and out of the rooms," which I dispute, but it doesn't matter anymore anyway - I am done with that group and everyone in it for awhile, maybe forever.

So today I come into work, and there are messages on my phone and in my inbox about the app I built (modified) for the Better Together campaign. Supposedly, several people were trying to enter donations yesterday, and it wasn't working, costing potentially several donations, as people were trying and trying, couldn't get it to work, got frustrated, and just gave up. Now I couldn't help but be upset about this, and I automatically went into anger, thinking "Yeah, right - now I will get shit on for this fucking app after getting it to PROD in 1 month instead of the 3 it should have taken." I tested it out, and wasn't able to reproduce the error, and so I felt like I was pretty much flat out fucked. I talked to the lady running the campaign, Camille, and I am sure she could hear the despondence in my voice. I talked it over with her, and then with Al, and we all seemed to agree that it was probably a user education issue. So the decision was made to make the error messages more visible - easy enough - and add some verbiage instructing the user about entering something in each of the fields.

That was all before lunch. So then, we are walking over the cafeteria, and as we approach the doors to the east lobby, lo and behold - who do I see sitting there on the waiting bench? Good ol' Sam herself, with her newest baby in a carrier beside her. She was busy talking on her phone and I am pretty sure she didn't see me, but my heart sunk, and I felt like I was having a panic attack. I wanted to badly to go over to her and say, "So, another one hunh? Are you ever going to pay attention to the first 2? They could really use some kind of mother in their life." But I thought it through, and decided that it wasn't the time, or place, to do it. I was pretty damn embarassed actually, and I sure didn't want anyone from Banner to see her and find out she was my ex. I also didn't want to risk getting in some kind of confrontation or yelling match with her, only to have my director or someone else from Banner see it all. So I just kept walking.

It was pretty hard to eat lunch and to have any kind of conversation with anyone. In fact, I left the cafeteria early, thinking I might see her again on the way out. But I definitely did not want her to see me. Well, as I walked out the door, I turned to look at the bench, and to my relief, she was gone. When I got back to my desk, I had an email that Jennifer (my bosses boss) had forwarded to the whole team, from Camille, gushing about what a great asset I have been to the project and what-not. It was a very complimentary - almost too complimentary - email, and I send Camille an email thanking her and joking that it would be hard for me to live up to that now.

And one might think that I would feel much better now. But I don't. I am just as depressed as ever. I did get about a 2 minute feeling of satisfaction from the email, but that was about it. I instantly went to thinking that Jennifer will never actually say anything to me, and it will just slowly fade away like all things do; a nice gesture by Camille for sure, but I fear more of a "throw the dog a bone" than genuine appreciation of efforts. It was only after I got a little upset and despondent that she sent it. Of course, this is all being colored by my shit colored glasses right now, so I'm sure my perception of it all is warped.

I think this is the longest I have ever gone being this depressed, and definitely have come closer than I ever have before to killing myself. Perhaps this is all "prep work" for that glorious day when I'm gone, and don't have to be here anymore : cutting off all contacts, walking away from all the AA/CA/whatever A groups, not answering my phone, withdrawing into myself. I think the thing is I just don't WANT to be happy anymore. It never works anyway. I know from experience that having a woman doesn't help, and I don't give a shit if I have one now or not. I know that my children don't make me happy. I expect way too much from them and feel that nothing I do for/with them matters anyway. Nothing matters. Nothing is permanent. Suffering is all there really is.