Finding Balance

I went and saw Diana yesterday and it was a really good session. She sent me away with some "homework," as well as a book to read - I think it's called "Learned Optimism," and I started reading it last night. At first I thought it was a little out of place because I never considered myself to be a pessimist. But I started reading it and I could totally related to what was being said. And as I thought about it more, I realized that my mom has always been the perfect pessimist, always expecting the worst to happen. In fact, her favorite saying os something like "expect the worst, so that way, if something goes wrong, you'll be ready for it," or something like that. And given the amount of worrying she has done, it fits perfectly with a pessimistic outlook.

And so I am accepting the fact that I have become a very pessimistic person. And not just about situations, but about people and their motivations as well; especially about people and their motivations. In fact, I think that had a lot to do with my feelings of anger and abandonment that I got regardin the meetings. I took everyone at their worst, and assumed that none of them cared about me - a very pessimistic outlook on their characters. And I know I have done the same in romantic relationships. In fact, I think it pervades my entire life.

So I am hopeful about starting this new book - hopeful that I might be able to learn to be optimistic, and get over the pessimism that is holding me back from happiness. The first part I read last night makes some statements regarding the relationship between pessimism and depression, and it seems fairly clear that there is a very strong link between the two. I could very much relate to a couple of the short examples given, and I am actually in a better mood today than I have been in in some time.

I just checked my checking account and came to the realization that I am either going to have to take a cash advance from one of my credit cards or do something else to make it to next payday. I swear, it doesn't seem like I spend that much money, but I must in places I don't think about. I know that I am spending $200 a month for Tessi's daycare that I wasn't spending for a few months, but that doesn't seem like enough to account for the tightness I have been experiencing for the last several months. Oh well - I am grateful to just have a job at this point, and one that I like quite a bit.

All in all, things are getting better. And I think I am going to take Diana's advice, and instead of "giving up entirely" on ever being happy, I am going to seek true calmness of mind - stability; not to be numb or dead emotionally, but more accepting of myself and whatever may come in life. I am willing to give up the high high's of exuberant joy if it means that I will be free of the low lows that I experience. Balance - it's all about balance. I am hoping to find and remain in it.