Oil and water

I just got off the phone with Mom, and it was pretty obvious that she had been crying and was upset. I knew it was going to be tough on her losing Charlie. Unfortunately, because of the way she is and the obstacles that are already present in our relationship, it is difficult to offer any real consolation or comfort to her when she is like this because she gets so defensive and abrupt. She had asked me earlier this week if I would like to go out and see Kristy (Kane) 's new baby, and I said I thought that would be a good idea. Well, when Kristy didn't answer the phone last night, or call Mom back immediately, she immediately thought that meant that Kristy didn't want us to come out, so she called Marshal and started making plans for me and Galen to go out and see him - catch that? Plans for ME AND GALEN.

So when I talked to her just now, she wanted to know if I thought if it was a good idea for Galen and I to spend some time together doing 'guy stuff'' with Marshal. I told her that if Kristy didn't call back, that yes, I thought it might be a good idea and that I would think about it. She seemed to think that I was flat out rejecting the idea, and started getting defensive, explaining how she just thought it might be good for Galen and I to spend some time together, and I explained that I agreed, and that I would consider that, IF we ended up not going to Kristy's. But, as so often happens with Mom, and gets even worse when she is upset, it was like we were speaking different languages, and all she heard was "I don't want to do that - it's not a good idea." So she started to get more defensive, subtly stating that she should just 'keep her nose out of stuff.' Ugh. I get SOOOO tired of going through this with her.

So I told her, again, that YES, I thought that would be a good idea, IF Kristy indeed did not really want us to come out. But that I thought it would be rude and inconsiderate of me NOT to go see Kristy and the baby if she DID want us to come out. If she DIDN'T, then I thought it MIGHT be a good idea to do something with Galen and Marshal, but that I COULD NOT commit to that until I knew FOR SURE what was going on with Kristy. Well, I think she finally got it, because she repeated exaclty that to me, and then proceeded to pretty much click me off. Yeah. Fun stuff.

And now I am wondering how in the hell this is going to work, with both of us begin depressed at the same time. In the past when this has happened, things don't go well at all. She, and proably I too, gets very defensive, and takes everything as an indictment of her. When I am down myself, I usually lose all sense of caring, and say something to the effect of "whatever," which just serves to piss her off even more. And so the cycle of fun begins.

Fortunately, I have an appt. with my counsellor today, because I am not really sure how I am going to handle all this. I am really not in the mood, or emotional shape, to deal with her right now. It seems that so much of my time in therapy or counselling has been spent on how to get along with her, get over her emotional abuse, get beyond her stinging remarks and controlling manipulation - I am just tired of her hijacking every attempt to get mentally healthy that I have ever made.

I think her condition only increases my level of hopelessness. I am beginning to see clearly that she really will never change. She may go through brief periods of 'sanity,' but they will always be followed by relapses into her old ways - sometimes brought on my major events such as putting Charlie down, and sometimes by unforeseen or unknowable events that only she knows. In any case, it sure makes it hard to maintain any real happiness - at least for me. Perhaps I will find a way yet, but for today, the outlook is cloudy.