Happiness sucks

I think I may have finally figured out the key to avoiding these deep depressions - it is to never be happy in the first place. I mean, if one is never happy, then when something bad happens, or a tragedy strikes, or a big letdown happens, it's not some big swing from one emotion to the other, right? The person is already unhappy, so perhaps there is an increase in the unhappiness, but there is not that feeling of loss, or regret - that the person had something, and lost it, or it was taken away. The happiness was never there to begin with, so all that has happened is the increase of something they already have.

This probably sounds very nihilistic, and to be honest, I guess it is somewhat. But I am seriously considering this philosophy as a way out of my deep, deep depressions. I don't want to keep coming back to feeling this way. I have been severely depressed for going on 5 days now, and I fear that the horrible cycle will never end - unless I do something to end it. And while checking out permanently has looked very appealing for the last week, I am looking into different options. One of those was to undergo a symbolic death, and I have already put that plan into motion. I am basically going to be dead to anyone and everyone I have met in the program for the last 6 years, and I am going to quit going to all the meetings I was going to. I also quit the bowling league I was on. So basically, outside of work and family, I will be dead to everyone else.

And this second part is the death of my hope for happiness. I am going to give up hope that I will ever find any kind of happiness, and even give up the concept itself. I think all it has done is delude me into thinking that someday, something would happen, and I would be truly happy - I would find a good woman, my mom would get some real help, my kids would be happy and successful - but none of those things may ever happen. And Lord knows I will probably never be happy with who I am. So how about instead of trying to be happy, I just give up altogether? I mean, what do I have to lose anyway? I have no real friends. I have no girlfriend or partner. My kids are stuck with me no matter how I am, and if I am never happy to begin with, maybe I won't get so angry when they make me (more) unhappy. And I can fake it well enough at work. Fortunately, I work in a career where I can spend 7 out of 8 hours staring at a computer screen and don't have to interact with people anyway.

So there it is - the "Philosophy of Kevin : Happiness is unattainable, and seeking it only causes misery. Therefore, the seeking of happiness is to be avoided, as is the belief that it is real at all." Just another bullshit fairytale - that's all it is, and all it will ever be.