Relief and reality

I was surprised to get a reply from Tina so quickly yesterday. Turns out, she had been having the same anxious feelings, and she too thought it was a good idea to address it. She offered what I believe to be an actual, sincere apology for lashing out the way she did when we broke up, and it was very comforting to me to read it. She stated that she thought we could still be friends, that she didn't think I would ever want that again. She went on to ask what was going on in my life, so I sent her a long email back, describing the depression I have been feeling, and all of the tough events of the last 4 months or so - Danielle passing away, Irene getting cancer, Charlie being put down, my struggles with Galen - everything. I ended my email by asking how she was - if she was still working at Fennimore Craig, if she was still with Andrew, how Meghan was doing.

She wrote me a nice email in reply, and stated that she is still with Andrew, and in fact they are living together and planning to get married in a couple of weeks. She went on to say that she had a miscarriage about a month and a half ago, and that she was actually hospitalized for about a week. I guess I am still a little shocked that she could have moved on so quickly, and it did hit me a little weird. But I think the blow was softened a little bit when she also informed me that Meghan is still not completely potty trained. That was always something that drove me insane, and just thinking about it made me glad that we had split it off.

So, all in all, I think it worked out well. Knowing that she is still with Andrew, and that she has actually miscarried a child from him will help to completely, and finally, let go all the way. I must admit that I still had a tiny glint of hope that I might be able to at least bed her one more time. But now, thankfully, that door has been closed. We were able to be civil to one another, and so now I won't be so anxious about possibly seeing her somewhere while out and about. I am confident after our correspondence that we could actually be nice to each other, and that is a calming feeling.

While checking email last night, Sharon caught me for an IM session, and it was good to chat with her. She said maybe we could get together and talk sometime this weekend. She is married, but we have maintained a prett good friendship. I always liked her a lot, just never in a romantic way. I do sometimes miss going to movies and hanging out like we used to do, so it will be nice to spend some time with her again. Then, Saturday night is Jamie's big Halloween party. I have some reservations about going, as I know a lot of people there will be drinking, some to excess I am sure. But I like Jamie - we have become pretty good buds - and I don't want to miss it. I am not sure what I am going to dress up as yet, guess I better figure it out soon.

So, all in all, things are going pretty well. I am still a little down, but I am learning to 'dispute' my negative thoughts about myself and to do my emotional ABC's on a regular basis to help recognize those thoughts. I think it is starting to have an effect, and I am happy think I may yet have hope of getting over my negative self thinking. Also, I went to a different Al Anon meeting last night that just happens to be right down the road from where we live, at the Creative Living Fellowship. It was a good meeting too. If I actually cared anymore, I would probably be stoked that there were a number of good looking women there too. But I truly don't care anymore, and I have to admit, it's nice being in that place. Just like in my last post, I will end with my new catchphrase - whatever works.