Finally caved

Well, just about 5 minutes ago, I finally caved and sent Tina an email. I'm not sure exaclty why I did it. Perhaps it was a mix of watching an extremely nostalgic movie last night ("Adventureland") coupled with eating lunch with DV today and him asking if I had ever emailed her since we broke up. I am telling myself that there are no hidden motives, that I have no intention of getting back with her, and that it was not done in hopes of getting her into bed. But I can't be entirely sure that is all 100% true - I am a man, have hormones, and am hungrier than ever for some good sex. And for all of the other troubles and issues we had in that relationship, the sex was not one of them.

But, in defense of myself, I will say that I have been suffering from a certain amount of anxiety anytime I am somewhere where I think I might see her, and I would like to get to a point where if that were to happen, we could both feel comfortable - or at least not be fearful or anxious about it, like I have been. The last communication we had through emails was not very nice, and somewhat harsh. We were together for 2 and a half years, and I would like to think that something of that time survived intact.

I do need to be careful though, as I know I am treading into dangerous territory. I honestly do not want a relationship with her again, and I need to make sure that I stay strong, and under no circumstances give her any kind of hope that we might get back together (if she would even want that) just to get some sex again. The last time we patched things up, I think I did it primarily for that reason, and things didn't turn out so good. I guess we'll see what happens.

In other news, Galen is still at his mom's, and it is looking like he might be there through the holidays. If I have my way, he will be. I really need a break from him, and I really need him to see that there are consequences for his actions, and that I mean what I say. So far, it seems like he is liking it pretty well over there. Of course, I wouldn't know because I have not talked to him and don't plan to. I will say that it has been much more relaxing at home without him there. I think I could get really used to him not being there.

I am getting a nice break this weekend, actually starting today, as Lora is taking the kids both up to the cabin for the weekend. I think it will be relaxing and am looking forward to it. Jamie G from here at work is having a Halloween party that I am planning on attending and that should be fun - even though my anti-social side it trying to convince me not to go. I do want to though, as I really like Jamie, and Mac and Dave - both of whom I enjoy hanging out with - will be there. Tonight, I am planning on hitting an Al Anon meeting that is just down the road from where we live, at the Creative Liing Fellowship. I have never been there before, so it will be interesting.

All in all, I think I am doing better. I still have some pretty serious pangs of depression, and have called Heidi, my nurse practitioner, to do a med check, as Diana said it seems as though my meds are not taking that depressive edge off like they should. On top of that, I am doing some serious 'homework' on the ABC's of emotion, and reading a book she sent home with me called "Learned Optimism." So, it's not like I am just wallowing in it - at least not totally. I am doing it just like the program - one day at a time - sometimes, one moment. Whatever works...