Life on the island

I went Jamie's party on Saturday night, and it was pretty fun. I did feel a little isolated though, as I was one of the few adults (that I knew of) not drinking, and I didn't know all that many people there, outside of work people of course. Mac and DV were there, but they both had ladies with them, so they were kinda' doin' the 'hang together' thang. There weren't really any single women there at all, so I felt a little out of place. But I hung out for about 2 and a half hours, which I thought was pretty good. I brought beer brats and mashed potatoes. I grilled the brats and everyone really seemed to enjoy them, so that was nice.

I am finding more and more lately that I think of myself as extremely isolated, and unable to really relate with anyone. I know in AA they always say "none of us are truly unique," and I believe that as far as the disease goes, that is true. When it comes to life circumstances however, I do think that all of us have very different challenges facing us. And mine, being a single dad, being a single man at almost 40 years old, and being a recovering alcoholic addict who doesn't drink seem to provide a set of circumstances that cause me to think that no one really wants to be around or get to know me. And to be completely honest, maybe it is entirely the other way around - I don't want to be around anyone else and have no desire to get to know them. I am perfectly willing to admit that it is all on me, that I am not really so different, and it is just my own thoughts that create the feelings of isolation and abandonement.

I talked to Sharon a little bit this weekend and explained how I've been feeling/what I've been thinking. [I have to remember the new things I am learning - it is my thoughts that create feelings; it is a real challenge for me to get that through my head, as there are so many things that seem to create an instantaneous emotional response in me]. Interestingly enough, she seemed to share a lot of the same ideas and beliefs. She said she too is not as personable and friendly as she used to be, and that she is finding that there really are very few people she can really open up to who seem to care. I guess the stories I told myself after hearing that (I'm not the only one who thinks this way, I respect Sharon) caused me to feel some relief. But also some grief as well, as I thought that perhaps it is a sign of a greater change in our realm, or maybe in sensitive people like us. In any case, it truly seems that some of the fun/joy/laughter in life is dimming - for some of us at least.

So here I am on my little "island of Kevin," not happy, not miserable just - just here. And I am not sure if there really needs to be anything else at this point. I feel somewhat broken, and maybe that's what it takes to get completely fixed - to be completely broken first. I am just living day by day, doing my job at work, and trying to maintain. Today, that's my victory, my superbowl, my gold medal - I'm still here, and I'm still sober. Yay.