Vicious circle

So I have an appt with Diana today, and I would be lying if I said I thought I was ever going to reallyget over these insecurity issues that have dogged me my whole life. I was thinking yesterday, and I realized that it is like a vicious circle : I don't attract any women, so I get insecure, which prevents me from attracting any women, which makes me more insecure, which further lessens my chances of attracting a woman, which...... ad inifinitum. The real question is, which came first - the insecurity, or the inability to attract women? Was I secure at one time, but then, not being able to attract the women (girls at that time) I wanted (important distinction, as I usually attracted some females, just never the ones I wanted), I became insecure? Or was I insecure from the get, and the females I wanted always sensed that and avoided me, causing me to be even more insecure? It really is an interesting question, at least to me. The chicken and the egg.

I have started to form the opinion lately that I will never truly get over this - that I am basically just broken. It's like a vase you drop - if it only breaks into 2 or 3 big pieces, you can usually glue it back together. But when it shatters completely, it is virtually impossible. I need to find a sliver of hope that one day, I won't feel this way; that I will love and accept myself and be happy with wherever I am in life, whether I have a woman or not. Man, would that be nice. It's not like I am not trying. I am working with my sponsor, seeing a counsellor, journallin here - I mean, I really am trying to do something. I just don't know if any of it, or all of it, is going to make any difference. I pray to God it does, because if this is as good as sobriety gets, I almost think I would rather be numb.