I am powerless

That statement immediately freed me from what was quickly becoming a cauldron of rage engulfing my entire mind. I had gotten off the phone with Galen, and suddenly, like a bolt of lightning, a thought came into my mind : "I am powerless over him and his actions. He is God's child." And in that moment, I felt a HUGE burned lifted off me and felt the rage just evaporate; I was once again at peace. Because for a moment, I thought that I was in control, that I was in charge, and that I alone was responsible for Galen and his actions. I thought that I could 'change' him, that I could 'make' him be the good student and good citizen I want him to be. But the reality - the sweet reality - is that I cannot, because I am powerless.

And so, when I got home last night, instead of yelling and screaming at him, I calmly explained the fact that he has the ability to make choices, and that our choices often times have consequences that we did not consider when we made them. I made him aware of what some of the long term consequences for him might be - like not getting a car when he turns 16, me not paying insurance on a car if he does get one, not getting his cell phone back, etc. I also told him that I am not going to "sponsor" his lifestyle, and that I will not sign any more 'Reflections' he sends home, that he will just have to serve detentions for all of them. I told him I will not give him any more money, and that his friends are not welcome at our house - I don't trust them. And I also told him that if he brings drugs into the house, or gets in other trouble, I will just call the cops on him, and have them take him to juvie as an "incorrigible." Basically, I done messing around with him, and I will not let him destroy my serenity or my life.

And, in the spirit of truly "letting go," I also told him that he is no longer grounded. He can do whatever he wants after school and on weekends, just as long as it doesn't involve his friends coming over to our place. It's more work than it's worth trying to enforce his grounding, and it doesn't change his behavior anyway, so why bother? He is basically on his own to make his own choices, and he will have to live with the consequences, whatever they are. If that means repeating 8th grade, then I guess he will have to do that. It's no skin off my hide. And while some would read this and think that I don't care, it is really just the opposite. I do care - about my sobriety and serenity above all. Because if I don't have those, I won't have my kids anyway and none of this will matter.

And so that is what I am focusing on, having faith that God is in charge of everything - even Galen - and that everything will work out as it is supposed to. I just have to keep doing the next right thing, putting one foot in front of the other, and remembering that I am powerless - and in that is my ultimate freedom.