Truly Letting Go

This weekend, I had a bout of missing my ex-girlfriend. I even thought about driving by her place, but knew that if I saw some vehicle parked there (her new boyfriend's) I would probably be pretty upset. So I didn't do that. And I think I was surprised to realize how upset I might actually get if there was someone there. I was hoping that maybe I was over all of that, but apparently I am not.

And of course, like always happens, I remembered all the good things about our relationship, especially the great sex, which was the best part, and I started longing for her again. I started wondering if maybe she was a lot better than I thought she was and if it wasn't me who was the messed up person. I started thinking about the girlfriend I had before her, Marci, and how happy she seems to be. Perhaps it is me that is messed up, and perhaps I will never have a partner in my life that I can be happy with, and that can be happy with me. And if that is the case, then the true objective for me must be being happy with what is - to find happiness in my life just as it is, and to finally learn not to depend on "having someone" to be happy.

I found something on the web that I like a lot - a website that is all about Buddhism, and there is an awesome quote on there that has become my mantra :

"In my practice, I have seen that attachment to my desires is suffering. There is no doubt about that. I can see how much suffering in my life has been caused by attachments to material things, ideas, attitudes or fears. I can see all kinds of unnecessary misery that I have caused myself through attachment because I did not know any better."

(from the website http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble.htm)

So that has become my mantra - 'attachment to my desires is suffering.' Not necessarily the desires themselves, but my attachment to them. It is not my desire to have a woman in my life that is my suffering, it is my ATTACHMENT to that desire. If I could let go of that desire, if I could free myself of that attachment, I would not suffer so. And so, I have changed my focus from trying to rid myself of that desire - which for me, has proven impossible anyway - and changed the focus instead to trying to rid myself of the attachment to that desire. It is a sublte, but life-changing switch in thinking, and I am grateful to have been brought that realization.