Last night, Mom called from South Dakota, and we were talking about how things are going up there. She has been staying with Irene while she undergoes chemotherapy, and was mentioning that she was going to take some time "off" this weekend and go stay with Kathy and Clayton in Belle Fourche. I told her that I thought that was a great idea, that Kathy was such a positive person, and that I had always enjoyed her company.
Well, to my surprise, something about saying that Kathy was 'positive' set my mom off, and she embarked on a tirade. Obviously, my mentioning that about Kathy meant that I thought that she and Marshal weren't positive, and that I was not thankful for anything they had ever done for me (?) She went on to lecture me that things were different for her, because Kathy was her little sister, and it was SHE who had helped and comforted Kathy all these years - not the other way around. I tried to back away from the statement, saying that I was only trying to relate to her, and that I thought it would be good for her to stay with Kathy for a few days to get some inspiration and comfort, but she was not having it. I had insulted her and everything she stood for, and she was going to let me know all about it.
Now, to be completely honest, I did throw in a comment or 2 that, in hindsight, I could have left out. I mentioned that I had alwaays loved being Kathy, Davey, and Grandma because they always accepted me no matter what I looked like or where I was in my life. Now, to me, a normal person would not have any problem with a statement like that. But because, I believe, she feels so much gult for always judging me by my appearance, my mom feels horrible about it. And rather than change - or even try to change - the way she looks at things, or get some counselling to help her do that, she lashes out. And that is what she did last night. It was just so insane. I actually found myself saying that to her last night - "you are absolutely crazy." I have tried to never say things like that, but last night, I just couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth; what she was saying was totally insane.
I thought about writing her an email, stating my position and pointing out those areas where she was just dead wrong, but then I thought better of it. She is very upset right now because of what Irene is going through, and I don't want to introduce any more drama or pain into her life, even though she thinks that's what I want to do. I am not really sure what to do at this point, and I think that sometimes the best thing to do when that is the case is nothing at all. Especially with my mom. At this point, I don't think she is actually capable of really taking in anything I would say or write to her anyway, so why waste the effort? Besides, I would only be regurgitating things I have said a thousand times before.
I think I am just going to have to accept that, for whatever reason, my mom will never get any real help for herself. I am not sure why it is so hard for her to just do something about it. I mean, she got VA medical coverage - she get all the counselling she wants. But that's the thing - she doesn't want any. Well, I am not going to ask her about it anymore.
Last night, she went off about how she has been saying for years that if Marshal and I set up a family appt at a counselor, she will go, but we never do because we are just such liars. And so I thought to myself, why haven't I done it? And then, becuase of something she said, it occurred to me. She had mentioned that she thought the reason we had never done it is because we were afraid that the counsellor would tell us that we were wrong, and she was right; that we had issues, and she didn't. And then it came to me - yes, the counsellor proably would tell us we have issues, because we do, BUT WE BOTH ALREADY ADMIT THAT. It is mom who is not willing to admit it. And counselling is not about figuring out who is right and who is wrong - it is about discovering those things that need healing, and confronting them head on so we can get past them. And I just don't think my mom is committed to a program of healing. What good would it do to go to one lousy appt with the 3 of us, if she is unwilling to do anything else on her own?
And maybe she is afraid to go to one alone. Maybe she is afraid of what they will say, and knows that if we are there with her, she can deflect to us instead of facing anything about herself. In any case, I will always love my mom, and I honestly want her to be happy, don't want to cause her any pain. But I have separate myself emotionally from her crazy thoughts, because they are just that - crazy. I am grateful to finally be at a point in my life where I can see that for what it is and not let it get me down. Thank God for healing and progress.
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