Ugh. Man, I just hate to say it, but it is starting to look like my mom was actually right. She has been telling me for months now that I am too fat, and that if I don't lose weight, I will probably never get a girlfriend. And, the longer I try to tough it out on the online dating scene, the more it is starting to look like she was right. I mean, a good number of these women honestly won't even MEET a guy unless he is in fantastic shape, like with 6 pack abs and such. If you don't work out 5 days a week, they don't even want to talk to you. And I have found out, much to my dismay, that to these women, cleaning house and doing laundry DO NOT count as "working out" - even if you do it really fast!
Now, my mom has been giving me crap for years about my "fatness." I am really not fat as most people would think of it, but I do have a little bit of a 'middle aged man' belly. That is not to say I am not in decent shape. It is just to say that I don't have the metabolism I once did, and that I don't take the time I could to work out. But apparently, if I ever want to meet someone, I am going to have to start.
Perhaps I am fatter than I see myself as, kinda like the opposite of anorexia - I see myself as fine, but I am actually really fat. And perhaps it is such that women are repulsed by my belly. And if this is the case, my mom was right, and I have been allowing myself to be happy with who I am only through the delusion that I have been living under.
And to be honest, I probably deserve to be and feel this way. I used to give my ex stuff for being a little heavy sometimes, all the while getting bigger myself - the epitomy of hypocrisy. I guess the question now is, how will I deal with this? Will I change my lifestyle and start working out? Or will I simply do what I know best when it comes to this stuff and just give up.
Right now it's hard to say. I sure feel like giving up. But then again, I have said that several times over the last few weeks, and yet here I am, still putting my fat little butt out there. Wow - I don't know what hurts more : realizing that I am unattractively heavy, or admitting that my mom was right all along.
And here is a comment my favorite cuz left :
"I have a great idea...put on your profile that you just got off The Biggest Loser show and am looking for someone to be your exercise partner. You could say that you were 700 pounds and then they'll not even notice the "middle aged tire".
Listen retard, you're way off! And the above was sarcasm. Yes, as the therapist told me, "tearing of the flesh" and I'm not to use it anymore. Opps.
Love ya!"
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Vicious circle
So I have an appt with Diana today, and I would be lying if I said I thought I was ever going to reallyget over these insecurity issues that have dogged me my whole life. I was thinking yesterday, and I realized that it is like a vicious circle : I don't attract any women, so I get insecure, which prevents me from attracting any women, which makes me more insecure, which further lessens my chances of attracting a woman, which...... ad inifinitum. The real question is, which came first - the insecurity, or the inability to attract women? Was I secure at one time, but then, not being able to attract the women (girls at that time) I wanted (important distinction, as I usually attracted some females, just never the ones I wanted), I became insecure? Or was I insecure from the get, and the females I wanted always sensed that and avoided me, causing me to be even more insecure? It really is an interesting question, at least to me. The chicken and the egg.
I have started to form the opinion lately that I will never truly get over this - that I am basically just broken. It's like a vase you drop - if it only breaks into 2 or 3 big pieces, you can usually glue it back together. But when it shatters completely, it is virtually impossible. I need to find a sliver of hope that one day, I won't feel this way; that I will love and accept myself and be happy with wherever I am in life, whether I have a woman or not. Man, would that be nice. It's not like I am not trying. I am working with my sponsor, seeing a counsellor, journallin here - I mean, I really am trying to do something. I just don't know if any of it, or all of it, is going to make any difference. I pray to God it does, because if this is as good as sobriety gets, I almost think I would rather be numb.
I have started to form the opinion lately that I will never truly get over this - that I am basically just broken. It's like a vase you drop - if it only breaks into 2 or 3 big pieces, you can usually glue it back together. But when it shatters completely, it is virtually impossible. I need to find a sliver of hope that one day, I won't feel this way; that I will love and accept myself and be happy with wherever I am in life, whether I have a woman or not. Man, would that be nice. It's not like I am not trying. I am working with my sponsor, seeing a counsellor, journallin here - I mean, I really am trying to do something. I just don't know if any of it, or all of it, is going to make any difference. I pray to God it does, because if this is as good as sobriety gets, I almost think I would rather be numb.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Lasting Effects
I just got an email from my cousin Carol, asking me what was going on - why I wasn't on Facebook anymore, and why I got rid of my blog. So I proceeded to write a long email to her, restating what I have already stated here. I added a little extra on my reply to her though, reminding her that when we were in our preteens not even she would give me the time of day. I was a short, awkward, big-nosed geek, and she was the gorgeous, blonde, big-boobed bombshell who wanted nothing to do with me. Now, some 25 years later, it seems as though she has forgotten that - but I haven't.
And in fact, I haven't been able to forget, or get past, all of the slights, humilitations, and bullying I suffered as a kid. That shit has stayed with me. And even though I have been in counselling for oever 6 years now, and worked the steps like 3 times, I still feel like that awkward, short, big nosed geek who couldn't attract a nice girl if his life depended on it. And I remember Carol ignoring me, treating me like I was "less than".... and it hurts - especially when I am depressesd like I am now.
You know what I used to wish, and still do sometimes? That every person in the world was blind; that we could no longer make any judgements based on appearance; that includes me too, because I am just as bad as everyone else - I judge by appearance. You bet I do. But I hate that I do - it's a part of me I detest, because I know that I consciously and unconsciously do to others what I hate so much to have done to me.
But, I am sure we would find some other way to "judge" others - by smell, by sound of their voice. I selfishly think to myself that maybe I would smell better than everyone else, so I could be one of the 'cool' ones in that world. I coudl be popular, and get any good-smelling woman I wanted. Yeah, right. Fuck that. Personally, I would rather be an orangutan, or something else entirely; something small and insignificant, like a pinworm. No worries, no cares, no self-esteem issues, no bullshit. It's amazing how good being a pinworm sounds, isn't it?
And in fact, I haven't been able to forget, or get past, all of the slights, humilitations, and bullying I suffered as a kid. That shit has stayed with me. And even though I have been in counselling for oever 6 years now, and worked the steps like 3 times, I still feel like that awkward, short, big nosed geek who couldn't attract a nice girl if his life depended on it. And I remember Carol ignoring me, treating me like I was "less than".... and it hurts - especially when I am depressesd like I am now.
You know what I used to wish, and still do sometimes? That every person in the world was blind; that we could no longer make any judgements based on appearance; that includes me too, because I am just as bad as everyone else - I judge by appearance. You bet I do. But I hate that I do - it's a part of me I detest, because I know that I consciously and unconsciously do to others what I hate so much to have done to me.
But, I am sure we would find some other way to "judge" others - by smell, by sound of their voice. I selfishly think to myself that maybe I would smell better than everyone else, so I could be one of the 'cool' ones in that world. I coudl be popular, and get any good-smelling woman I wanted. Yeah, right. Fuck that. Personally, I would rather be an orangutan, or something else entirely; something small and insignificant, like a pinworm. No worries, no cares, no self-esteem issues, no bullshit. It's amazing how good being a pinworm sounds, isn't it?
Insights on the Third Noble Truth
I found something today on the web, and I think it is just SO spot on, that I wanted to put it here for future reference :
"In my practice, I have seen that attachment to my desires is suffering. There is no doubt about that. I can see how much suffering in my life has been caused by attachments to material things, ideas, attitudes or fears. I can see all kinds of unnecessary misery that I have caused myself through attachment because I did not know any better. I was brought up in America - the land of freedom. It promises the right to be happy, but what it really offers is the right to be attached to everything. America encourages you to try to be as happy as you can by getting things. However, if you are working with the Four Noble Truths, attachment is to be understood and contemplated; then the insight into non-attachment arises. This is not an intellectual stand or a command from your brain saying that you should not be attached; it is just a natural insight into non-attachment or non-suffering."
(from the site http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble.htm)
I especially like the part I have italicized - it rings so true. I was thinking this morning, that for me, the suffering of being "alone," of not having a mate, just seems so unbearable, and has for most of my life. I know about codependence, but the feelings I have go beyond just codependence and actually cause me suffering. I thought about why this is still so, especially after all the counselling and therapy I have had. Why doesn't that part of me just get "healed?" Why won't those feelings go away? And what the fuck is so wrong with me, that even after 6 years of sobriety, and working the steps multiple times, and going to meetings - even Codependents Anonymous meetings - and counselling, and therapy, etc..... do I still feel like this? I wish I could just cut myself open and rip out that piece of me that causes me to feel that way.
And so I have been thinking, just why is it so important for me to have someone? And I honestly think it has a lot to do with all of those stupid fucking fairy tales that we all hear as kids - ranging from the "Princess and the Frog" to the tales of the Bible. In so many of them, there is someone who is ugly or downtrodden - the Beast, the frog, Daniel, etc - and that person, becuase they are good at heart, is "miraculously" granted happiness in the form of either a mate (a beautiful mate too - that's important) who loves them for who they are, or some new place in society where they are respected and have some authority. The basic message? Be a good person, and no matter how bad/ugly/unfortunate you are, you will get what you most desire.
But we all know that is just simply bullshit. The ugly people don't get what they truly desire unless they are wealthy, or they just steal it. The ugly people don't 'miraculously' transform into beautiful people like the frog did - we stay ugly, and with age, get even more ugly with flab, wrinkles, bad teeth, etc. And the good people don't often win. In fact, they rarely win. Face it - for an ugly, short, athletically challenged kid like I was, it would have been much better to just tell me the truth about the way the world was so I could more easily accept my fate and my place in society; instead of filling my head with bullshit, only to have me reach adulthood and realize that none of that shit mattered on fuckin' bit. The rich, good looking assholes are the ones pulling in all the babes - not the "ugly ducklings."
And perhaps that's why I have some to like and appreciate Buddhism so much. There are no bullshit promises about what may happen to us - or at least what happened to other people - because they were so "good" and favored by God. When you are a good little kid who says his prayers every night and is kind to animals and such, and you get verbally abused by your mom and teased by kids at school, how can you help but think "why doesn't even God love me?" It's fucking cruel is what it is. Buddhism does not set up any of those false ideas. It says simply, that life is suffering, that there is a cause to suffering, that there is a way to be free from that suffering, and that there is a path leading to that liberation. Now that's an ideology I can believe in! Thank God that Christianity didn't wipe out all the other religions - thank God for Buddhism.
"In my practice, I have seen that attachment to my desires is suffering. There is no doubt about that. I can see how much suffering in my life has been caused by attachments to material things, ideas, attitudes or fears. I can see all kinds of unnecessary misery that I have caused myself through attachment because I did not know any better. I was brought up in America - the land of freedom. It promises the right to be happy, but what it really offers is the right to be attached to everything. America encourages you to try to be as happy as you can by getting things. However, if you are working with the Four Noble Truths, attachment is to be understood and contemplated; then the insight into non-attachment arises. This is not an intellectual stand or a command from your brain saying that you should not be attached; it is just a natural insight into non-attachment or non-suffering."
(from the site http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble.htm)
I especially like the part I have italicized - it rings so true. I was thinking this morning, that for me, the suffering of being "alone," of not having a mate, just seems so unbearable, and has for most of my life. I know about codependence, but the feelings I have go beyond just codependence and actually cause me suffering. I thought about why this is still so, especially after all the counselling and therapy I have had. Why doesn't that part of me just get "healed?" Why won't those feelings go away? And what the fuck is so wrong with me, that even after 6 years of sobriety, and working the steps multiple times, and going to meetings - even Codependents Anonymous meetings - and counselling, and therapy, etc..... do I still feel like this? I wish I could just cut myself open and rip out that piece of me that causes me to feel that way.
And so I have been thinking, just why is it so important for me to have someone? And I honestly think it has a lot to do with all of those stupid fucking fairy tales that we all hear as kids - ranging from the "Princess and the Frog" to the tales of the Bible. In so many of them, there is someone who is ugly or downtrodden - the Beast, the frog, Daniel, etc - and that person, becuase they are good at heart, is "miraculously" granted happiness in the form of either a mate (a beautiful mate too - that's important) who loves them for who they are, or some new place in society where they are respected and have some authority. The basic message? Be a good person, and no matter how bad/ugly/unfortunate you are, you will get what you most desire.
But we all know that is just simply bullshit. The ugly people don't get what they truly desire unless they are wealthy, or they just steal it. The ugly people don't 'miraculously' transform into beautiful people like the frog did - we stay ugly, and with age, get even more ugly with flab, wrinkles, bad teeth, etc. And the good people don't often win. In fact, they rarely win. Face it - for an ugly, short, athletically challenged kid like I was, it would have been much better to just tell me the truth about the way the world was so I could more easily accept my fate and my place in society; instead of filling my head with bullshit, only to have me reach adulthood and realize that none of that shit mattered on fuckin' bit. The rich, good looking assholes are the ones pulling in all the babes - not the "ugly ducklings."
And perhaps that's why I have some to like and appreciate Buddhism so much. There are no bullshit promises about what may happen to us - or at least what happened to other people - because they were so "good" and favored by God. When you are a good little kid who says his prayers every night and is kind to animals and such, and you get verbally abused by your mom and teased by kids at school, how can you help but think "why doesn't even God love me?" It's fucking cruel is what it is. Buddhism does not set up any of those false ideas. It says simply, that life is suffering, that there is a cause to suffering, that there is a way to be free from that suffering, and that there is a path leading to that liberation. Now that's an ideology I can believe in! Thank God that Christianity didn't wipe out all the other religions - thank God for Buddhism.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Ahhhhhhh....
Wow, I feel so much better already. This morning, I deactiated my Facebook account, and I just got done deleting my profile on "plentyoffish." I feel a strange sense of relief, and actually feel really good about it.
I also did something else I feel good about - I called and had my son's cell phone service suspended. I have been threatening for a long time, and it feels good to actually follow through with it. I made the decision after talking to his social studies teacher and finding out that he hasn't been turning in ANY of the homework for that class. The really bad part? It's not even homework, it's work that they are supposed to do in class. That was the last straw for me. I can't wait to hear his excuse for this one. "Oh, I didn't know we were supposed to do the homework in class, I just thought everybody was reading or something." Yeah - right!
So today begins a new, hopefully happier period for me. I am gone from the "cyber scrutiny" sites, and can just focus on what is right in front of me - what I should have been doing all along. Hey, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, right? :)
I also did something else I feel good about - I called and had my son's cell phone service suspended. I have been threatening for a long time, and it feels good to actually follow through with it. I made the decision after talking to his social studies teacher and finding out that he hasn't been turning in ANY of the homework for that class. The really bad part? It's not even homework, it's work that they are supposed to do in class. That was the last straw for me. I can't wait to hear his excuse for this one. "Oh, I didn't know we were supposed to do the homework in class, I just thought everybody was reading or something." Yeah - right!
So today begins a new, hopefully happier period for me. I am gone from the "cyber scrutiny" sites, and can just focus on what is right in front of me - what I should have been doing all along. Hey, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, right? :)
Facebook is for happy people
Well, I decided this morning to deactivate my Facebook account and delete entirely my previous blog. I have figured out that FB is for happy people - people who have wives/husbands/kids/friends, and who do fun things and want to share that fun with others. It is not for single, recovering drug-addict dads who are struggling to find happiness and a life partner to share their life with. Momma always told me "if you don't have anything nice to say..." and in that spirit, I am sparing the world my whiney, self-pity bullshit, and dusting my Facebook account entirely.
Also, I started this new blog, and did away with the other one. I think I had some stupid delusion that I would be "discovered" as some great comedic writer, and so I made it public and promoted it to my friends and family. But in doing that, I lost what I needed most - a sounding board for my darkest thoughts. And so, I killed that blog, and started this one, which I will tell no one about. Fuck being "discovered." That was just another delusion I had, and it robbed of what I really need, which is basically an online journal in which I can get this shit out of my head.
I chose the Forst Noble Truth as the title of this new blog, because it reminds me that we were never promised ponies and parades. Life is suffering - plain and simple. And I am looking for the practical meaning of the 3rd and 4th truths - the cessation of suffering, and the way leading to the cessation of suffering. And I am going to focus solely on that - for myself and my kids. Fuck the dating sites, fuck the public blogs, and fuck Facebook. I am NOT happy, and I want to spout it out - even if I am the only person who ever sees it. In the end, it only matters that I do anyway.
Also, I started this new blog, and did away with the other one. I think I had some stupid delusion that I would be "discovered" as some great comedic writer, and so I made it public and promoted it to my friends and family. But in doing that, I lost what I needed most - a sounding board for my darkest thoughts. And so, I killed that blog, and started this one, which I will tell no one about. Fuck being "discovered." That was just another delusion I had, and it robbed of what I really need, which is basically an online journal in which I can get this shit out of my head.
I chose the Forst Noble Truth as the title of this new blog, because it reminds me that we were never promised ponies and parades. Life is suffering - plain and simple. And I am looking for the practical meaning of the 3rd and 4th truths - the cessation of suffering, and the way leading to the cessation of suffering. And I am going to focus solely on that - for myself and my kids. Fuck the dating sites, fuck the public blogs, and fuck Facebook. I am NOT happy, and I want to spout it out - even if I am the only person who ever sees it. In the end, it only matters that I do anyway.
Feelings of failure
You know those times when you think things can get much worse, and then they do, and you just want to lay down and die? Well, maybe you don't. But tonight, I am having one of those moments. It's not enough that my fortune in the dating arena is so miserable, and that I have been battling depression about it; tonight, we get home from being out, and my daughter starts talking about how none of her friends want to come over to our house, because we live in a condo, and we don't have a yard. They don't want to come over here because our place is so small, and there isn't much to do. In short, they don't come over because we don't have a nice house like they do. In short, as a single dad, I can only do what I can do. And with no help from a female partner, that doesn't include having a nice house with a back yard. We were lucky to even get this condo.
My daughter goes on to say how sad she is to not have a mother (for reference, my children's mom is all messed up, and takes no interest in them at all - hasn't since we got divorced), or mother figure even, in her life. And I can't help but feel sad and think that if I was better looking, more successful, more confident, that I could at least attract a woman so she would have a decent step-mom. I can't help but think that even though I am doing my best, it just isn't enough really. And as far as the "finding a mom for her," I am a miserable failure at it. And, to make it worse, the one woman I did find who would have been a wonderful mother figure, I let go. Ugh.
Now I can just hear all of my 'supporters' saying, "Oh, but your such a great guy." "You are a real catch, and someday..." yadda yadda yadda. But somehow, none of that seems to make me feel any better. Even if I was a great catch (which I am not people - I have issues, on top of my lack of physical attractiveness and shortness) it wouldn't change what is. It wouldn't change the fact that my son and daughter have no mother in their lives, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I would so love to meet a great woman who could come into our lives and maybe be a mother figure to my daughter, but I don't seem capable of attracting such a lady. I am powerless. And depressed. And sad for my daughter.
You know, I do think I am a great guy, and deserve someone special. But even moreso, I know that my son and daughter are great kids, and deserve a mother figure in their lives. You think God, or fate, or the female gender diva would recognize that, and at least bring someone into our lives for them. But I feel as though the failure of that to happens rests squarely on my shoulders, and it makes me feel like crap. I wish I knew what to do to help, and I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I used to think that this would all work out one day, but tonight, I feel like my soul is being crushed under the weight, and life sucks. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
My daughter goes on to say how sad she is to not have a mother (for reference, my children's mom is all messed up, and takes no interest in them at all - hasn't since we got divorced), or mother figure even, in her life. And I can't help but feel sad and think that if I was better looking, more successful, more confident, that I could at least attract a woman so she would have a decent step-mom. I can't help but think that even though I am doing my best, it just isn't enough really. And as far as the "finding a mom for her," I am a miserable failure at it. And, to make it worse, the one woman I did find who would have been a wonderful mother figure, I let go. Ugh.
Now I can just hear all of my 'supporters' saying, "Oh, but your such a great guy." "You are a real catch, and someday..." yadda yadda yadda. But somehow, none of that seems to make me feel any better. Even if I was a great catch (which I am not people - I have issues, on top of my lack of physical attractiveness and shortness) it wouldn't change what is. It wouldn't change the fact that my son and daughter have no mother in their lives, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I would so love to meet a great woman who could come into our lives and maybe be a mother figure to my daughter, but I don't seem capable of attracting such a lady. I am powerless. And depressed. And sad for my daughter.
You know, I do think I am a great guy, and deserve someone special. But even moreso, I know that my son and daughter are great kids, and deserve a mother figure in their lives. You think God, or fate, or the female gender diva would recognize that, and at least bring someone into our lives for them. But I feel as though the failure of that to happens rests squarely on my shoulders, and it makes me feel like crap. I wish I knew what to do to help, and I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I used to think that this would all work out one day, but tonight, I feel like my soul is being crushed under the weight, and life sucks. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
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