Feelings of failure

You know those times when you think things can get much worse, and then they do, and you just want to lay down and die? Well, maybe you don't. But tonight, I am having one of those moments. It's not enough that my fortune in the dating arena is so miserable, and that I have been battling depression about it; tonight, we get home from being out, and my daughter starts talking about how none of her friends want to come over to our house, because we live in a condo, and we don't have a yard. They don't want to come over here because our place is so small, and there isn't much to do. In short, they don't come over because we don't have a nice house like they do. In short, as a single dad, I can only do what I can do. And with no help from a female partner, that doesn't include having a nice house with a back yard. We were lucky to even get this condo.

My daughter goes on to say how sad she is to not have a mother (for reference, my children's mom is all messed up, and takes no interest in them at all - hasn't since we got divorced), or mother figure even, in her life. And I can't help but feel sad and think that if I was better looking, more successful, more confident, that I could at least attract a woman so she would have a decent step-mom. I can't help but think that even though I am doing my best, it just isn't enough really. And as far as the "finding a mom for her," I am a miserable failure at it. And, to make it worse, the one woman I did find who would have been a wonderful mother figure, I let go. Ugh.

Now I can just hear all of my 'supporters' saying, "Oh, but your such a great guy." "You are a real catch, and someday..." yadda yadda yadda. But somehow, none of that seems to make me feel any better. Even if I was a great catch (which I am not people - I have issues, on top of my lack of physical attractiveness and shortness) it wouldn't change what is. It wouldn't change the fact that my son and daughter have no mother in their lives, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I would so love to meet a great woman who could come into our lives and maybe be a mother figure to my daughter, but I don't seem capable of attracting such a lady. I am powerless. And depressed. And sad for my daughter.

You know, I do think I am a great guy, and deserve someone special. But even moreso, I know that my son and daughter are great kids, and deserve a mother figure in their lives. You think God, or fate, or the female gender diva would recognize that, and at least bring someone into our lives for them. But I feel as though the failure of that to happens rests squarely on my shoulders, and it makes me feel like crap. I wish I knew what to do to help, and I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I used to think that this would all work out one day, but tonight, I feel like my soul is being crushed under the weight, and life sucks. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.