Blah

Not really sure what to title this post, or what it's really going to be about. Debbie and I had a really nice weekend together celebrating the 2nd anniversary of our meeting - went to see a movie and stayed the night at a hotel. Then Sunday night, Debbie noticed that 2 of the fish had died : Nemo, whom she had for like 8 years, and a little one named Oliver that they got like a year ago. Of course she was sad, and I completely understood.

So yesterday morning, I was actually in a pretty good mood... ah, you know what, I don't even feel like writing this. It's just blah blah blah, self-pity bullshit that doesn't really matter. Suffice it to say that I'm feeling down again, and I don't know what to feel all happy about anymore. It seems sometimes like the Universe conspires against my happiness, especially during the holidays it seems, and right now I am just tired of trying to be happy. Seems 'easier' to just be down.

I think part of it too is a bit of a "pre-letdown," knowing that in all likelihood, absolutely nothing is going to happen on Dec 21st  - no apocalypse, no ushering in of some golden age, no 'return of the gods' - not shit. And nothing is ever going to happen. This wonderful, boring-ass, material-oriented illusory world is just going to keep clipping along, and spiritual dreamers like me are just going to keep wishing away (when we're not too depressed to just not give a shit, like today) that something, SOMETHING will happen to wake people up and fundamentally change the nature of our existence.

I have often said that I would rather be dog, and I don't think people who hear me say it (which admittedly, there's probably only my wife and maybe one or 2 more) know just how dead serious I am. I mean, what good is this whole frontal cortex thing, when the only real function seems to be to let me understand clearly just how much different things could, and probably "should" be, and to understand also that I have almost no power to do anything about it, dream and wish and pray as I might. Sure, I can envision all kinds of wonderful stuff (another seeming 'curse' to me), but can I actually make any of it happen?

Now I know there are some who would say "But look at all the wonderful inventions we have! Someone envisioned all those things and brought them into being!" To which I would say "Big fucking deal." Because what have we really gained through all of it? We live longer - yayyy! That's what I want - to spend TWICE as long on this plane, knowing how screwed up and overly-material it is. We can communicate with people all over the world now. Yaayyy! We get to hear even more voices saying "What the...???" and still not be able to do anything about it. We get to hear more theories and concepts about spiritual realities and capabilities that will probably never exist. Fun fun.

So yeah, none of this impresses me. Every night I look into the sky and am taunted by the stars I see, as if they are saying "Ha ha! Your race is so lost and feeble that you will NEVER reach us - you're stuck!" Every day I get to read and see and hear about New Age theories and philosophies that sound SO great - most of which will never be anything more than ink on paper of pixels on a screen. And every day I get to wonder, "Why do I have to be here?" Of course I know that now I need to be here for my wife, my kids, my friends and family. God forbid the guilt and sadness they might fear if I took my life or otherwise checked out early. Some would know how much of a release it would be for me, but I'm sure many would mourn because of their attachment.

And so I linger on, waiting for something that all these people supposedly "prophesied" that probably will never happen. Fortunately, most days I am actually fairly content, able to stay in the 'now' and be grateful. But stoned or sober, on meds or off, married or single, unemployed or working someplace I like, I always come back to this place; this place of wondering "why?" and wishing for a lobotomy so I could just be numb and dumb to all the possibilities of what might be. Maybe I'll get one for Christmas - that way, by next year, I won't care that nothing happened - I won't even be aware that anything was supposed to. I can just smile blankly and go through the motions like a good little human being. Take my mind, please!

Opening up the vault

I have decided to make this blog open to anyone who wants to read it. Until now, it has been like my private diary, accessible only to me. And chances are that opening this up isn't really going to make any difference - I don't actually expect that anyone other than me is going to read this.

I guess opening it up is more of a symbolic gesture than anything. It is my way of saying to the world, "if anyone out there feels, or has felt this way, no need to be ashamed or feel alone - I've felt it too." It always amazes me to go back and read posts like my last one with just how negative and dark they are, especially after coming out of the depression and feeling "normal" again. But while the strong feelings of hopelessness and negativity do fade, and I am once again able to enjoy life, I always maintain that state of readiness for this class to be over - for the bell to ring and for all of us to start running for the exits, laughing and cheering knowing that our recess awaits us.

So yeah, if you have landed here and are reading this, special you are! Whether that special-ness is a blessing or a curse is for you to decide. But I can guarantee that you are in very exclusive company, with a glimpse into the mind of someone who in one moment is loving, joyful, humorous and hopeful, then on a bad day (which fortunately don't come very often), is angry, depressed, hopeless, sad, lost and suicidal. How a person can be both of these things, in equal intensity at different times is a mystery to me. But I know I'm not the only one, and in a selfish way, that is comforting to me. Perhaps you have felt that way too, and you can get some comfort from this. If so, I am grateful. If not, you should be.

Same shit, different day

I just read my last post and thought to myself the very words in the title of this post. It truly is amazing to me that after all the therapy, psychoactive medications, AA meetings and other things I have engaged in to "cure" my depression, it is painfully obvious that much like my addiction, there is no cure - there is only acceptance that it will always be there and management of the disease.

Last night, I completely fucking lost it. I screamed and yelled like I don't think I ever have before; so hard in fact that my throat (vocal chords presumably) was burning in pain. I came home depressed after finding out that, contrary to my belief and against my wishes, Tessi had stayed home from school yet again. I called the office to try to make an appointment to come in and talk to the asst. principal about it, and the attendance lady (who knows me by voice now) told me that the truancy officer had been in earlier and mentioned that he wants to cite Tessi into court for excessive truancies, which could mean time lost from work and a $250 fine for me.

When I got home, I went into the bedroom and assumed the position : laying down, fetal position, wishing myself away. When Debbie got home, she was upset of course. She tries, at least I think she does, to be supportive, but all I really feel from her is anger and disappointment, which just makes things worse. We were supposed to have "date night," and even though I had a pounding headache, I told her I was still committed to that. So I got up and we went to the store to get some stuff for dinner.

After we got home, she started talking about money, and how she wanted to give me $620 for rent, which would leave her basically broke for the week. I told her that she didn't need to do that, and she went on to explain how she feels "guilty," that she think she spends more than she brings in, that she wants to pay her share, and ultimately - what came out in the end, was that she has a very hard time with the fact that I make more than she does. She doesn't want to think that she isn't doing her fair share.

Now if she had gone about this all in a positive, matter-of-fact way, it might not have gone badly. But the fact  is, she seemed very down about it, and we even ended up getting into a small argument about it. I told her that it was silly for her to give me all her money, only to leave herself broke so that I would have to give some back so she would have money for things during the week. She then went into some martyr mode where she said she could just do without, that she didn't want to spend any money on herself, that she didn't need any coffee, blah blah blah. Thing is, I have told her SEVERAL times that it doesn't bug me to help support her and the kids, that it's my pleasure, and that I view the money I make as OURS - not mine. And NEVER have I made any mention of the fact that it's ME who really supports the family - it all comes from her head.

Being completely frustrated, I asked her if she would like me to quit my job and work at Taco Bell so she could make more than me - if that would make her feel better. And in the way that so many women seem to be so good at, she seemed almost incredulous, as if the answer was "yes, that would make me feel better" - knowing that would lower all of our standard of living. Then, in another classic twist, she said, "Well, if it would make YOU feel better, I would support it." ????? At that point, I pretty much gave up, and decided that instead of going on date night, I was going to into bed and end the night.

I told her I didn't feel well and was going to bed. She followed me into the room, we started arguing, and I just BLEW : I was not going to be talked over again. No, I yelled louder than I have ever yelled in my life. And I yelled about Tessi and the fact that she couldn't find it in herself to go to school; I yelled about the fact that I had been abused when I was a kid, yet I still went to work every day; I yelled about the fact that I make too much money for Debbie, and too little for Tessi; I yelled saying that I was going to leave, that everyone would be better if I blew my brains out; I yelled that she could leave and take Tessi, the dog and everyone else with her;  I SCREAMED about everything. And when I was done, I felt like I had expended every amount of energy in my body. Surprisingly, Debbie came up and actually hugged me and said she loved me - the most supportive thing she has done yet. Then, I laid down and went to bed.

When she came into bed, she was distant and seemed pretty much like she didn't want to touch me or me to touch her. I asked her if she would prefer that I didn't touch her, and she said "I didn't say that." Of course she didn't. But her body language sure did. It was a crummy night of sleep, and I woke up this morning extremely tired, wondering if I would even be able to make it to work. Alas, I did, and her I sit writing this. I just called Diana to see if I could make an appointment and fate would have it that the only time she has available this week is tomorrow at 4:30. Thing is, I made an appointment for Tessi to see a counselor tomorrow at 5pm, so that's not going to work for me. I guess this week, I am just going to have to tough it out.

Last night, I wasn't quite as suicidal as I have been in the past (like in my last post), but I sure was wishing for respite. I am just so tired. It seems like I spend my whole life pushing : pushing Tessi to go to school, pushing Debbie to accept the fact that I enjoy providing, pushing Debbie to accept that it's ok for her to join Weight Watchers, that we CAN afford it (that was another point of contention last night), pushing Cooper to stop peeing on the floor; pushing pushing pushign. I just don't want to push anymore. I'm tired.

So again, I offer up my plea for the asteroid to hit; again I beseech God or whoever to end this insanity that is my life, in SOBRIETY no less! Hell, I may as WELL be getting high right now, as unmanageable, erratic and crazy as my life is. I sometimes wonder if being sober is all it's cracked up to be right now.

But I will stay sober. I will stay at work and finish out the day. I will do what I am "supposed" to do, what I am expected to do, if for no other reason than I don't want the guilt of not doing it, and I want to be able to say "See! I'm all screwed up and I still carried on!" Ahhh yes, that good ol' stubborn pride. Nice to know that it's good for something.

But that's not to say that I still don't think about just running away. In fact, last night, that's where my thoughts were instead of suicide - thinking of going away to the mountains and just sitting on a mountaintop and waiting to die, starving myself to death. For some reason, it just sounded like the right thing to do. And who knows - if things keep up, if this cycle keeps going the way it is, with each successive blowup getting worse than the one before, it might not be long til that mountaintop finds me. 

End it already

It's pretty ironic, after reading my last post, that I was/am going to start this one by saying I am ready for the end, the conclusion, the big finale, the checkered flag, the final buzzer, the armageddon, the apocalypse - the end of this life in this time in this body in this place. I'm ready.

And I've been ready for a long time. See, it seems that no matter how good things get, or how wonderful life sometimes looks, it is evident that any happiness or joy will eventually be shattered by some event, person, experience, argument, misunderstanding, smart mouthed child, uncaring employer, emotional spouse, or even just bad mood. It is inevitable that the happiness should be shattered, and that I should end up curled up in bed wishing for the end - for my end.

That's where I was again last night. One would think that after having a beautiful wedding and wonderful honeymoon, after landing a job that I actually like with people who are actually cool to work with/for, that after getting back on a good twice a week meeting schedule and 3 times a week workout schedule, that I would be in a better place than I was before. But that - that is exactly the dynamic, evil  and maddening paradox that I am referring to. Even with all of that supposed "good" stuff, I was right there in bed again last night thinking of all kinds of ways I could get out of this life. Some of the time was spent thinking about actions I could take - blowing my brains out, disemboweling myself 'hari kari' style (seriously), cutting myself, etc. I also spent a fair amount of time thinking about - actually, creatively visualizing and trying to will myself into having a heart attack, or aneurysm, or some other form of medical event that would either kill me or leave me brain dead.

Now I'm sure that to someone who has never suffered from depression - real depression, not the temporary, infrequent bouts some people experience - this sounds absolutely horrible. And if I were to say all of this to my wife or children, I'm sure it would absolutely devastate them, and probably alienate them from me completely. But the simple fact is that I have spent several days of my life laying in bed, curled up in the fetal position, dwelling on thoughts just like this. I have even wondered - in fact I was wondering this morning - how long a person had to think about something like this before it would actually manifest in his/her life. I've always heard the "mind over matter" talk, and about the role our mind can play in healing. Well, what about situations like this? Can't I "think" myself into my own death? Lord knows, I sure have tried.

And I am starting to reach a point again - hell, I've been here for a lot of my life, just had brief respites where I wasn't - where I don't want to "try" to be happy anymore; where I don't want to have to fake it for anyone; where I don't have to pretend that everything is going to get better, and that we (me and Debbie, me and the kids, the American people, whoever) are going to come out smelling like roses. I want to just stand up and say "Life sucks, things are going to get progressively worse, there is no use trying to be happy - we're all just wasting time and fooling ourselves."

That's how I truly think today. The Buddha espoused the 4 Noble Truths, and the first one is that life is suffering. No shit Siddartha. See, the thing the Buddha had going for him was the he had no wife or kids, so he could wander around for years seeking enlightenment without the burden or guilt of having left his wife and kids. But actually, he did have a wife and kids (at least one anyway) back in his life as a prince, and he did leave them behind to go seek enlightenment. So is that what I need to do? Should I just leave the fam behind, and say "I'm off to find myself"? Of course, he had the benefit of being a prince and all, so he knew that in leaving them behind, they would be well taken care of. I don't have that, but I do have the knowledge that Debbie and the girls were living just fine on their own before I came along, and we could easily get them another apartment they could all live in. Tessi could go live with her mom again, or Marshal and Kristina, and Galen already lives with a friend. So I could conceivably do that.

I am seriously considering, more and more, just how that all might work. I can honestly say that I have come INCREDIBLY close to doing some stuff that would pretty much be the death sentence for my life as I now know it, or the future I might have. I feel like it's just a matter of time before, during one of my fits of anger and/or depression, I cross that line from which there is no turning back. I am getting closer and closer to that line, and it is only by the slightest of margins that I have not walked across it yet. But more and more, I'm starting to think that it's inevitable, just like the suffering and depression I feel is.

So I am ready for the end, the big conclusion, the whimper that will be the end of my little, insignificant, God-could-care-less-if-he/she-even-exists life. I'm ready. I would much rather die of some seemingly natural cause, or an accident perhaps. But I think if one doesn't happen soon, it's just a matter of time before I take the reigns and die in some "accident" or something. I don't want to be here anymore. I tired of playing, tired of praying and tired of apologizing. I'm ready for my curtain call - please please please come sooner than later.

Update, June 1st 2012 - meltdown, lack of focus, upcoming wedding

Wow - once again, it has been a long time since my last post to this blog/journal. I have been posting to "The Thought Buffet" recently though. Ok so some quick updates : GCU let me go about 2 weeks after my last post. Ryan, my former boss, gave me the option of resigning, or he was going to fire me. Turns out that being best friends with the boss does have its advantages, so Jay got to stay and I went. I was none too happy about it, felt it was very unfair, and even lodged a formal complaint with the HR dept there. From what Debi (a BA I worked with there) said in an email after I left, there was some reorganization, and Ryan was now under a different director, no longer reporting directly to the CIO. So perhaps I had something to do with that. I'd like to think so.

In other news, I did do all of the things I said I was going to do to get back into fit spiritual condition : started going to meetings every Monday and almost every Friday, bought a nice treadmill and wieght machine for the house and started working out twice a week and went and saw Diana. I have still not been meditating as much as I would like, but I am working on that. Debbie and I have been doing well, although we have had some challenges. My birthday was especially rough, but we made it through. Now, we are only 3 weeks away from the wedding.

Ok, so now I want to get to why I am posting in the first place. Over the last 2 or 3 months, I have been experiencing what I can only describe as a lack of focus spurred on by intense interest in global affairs and events that could have profound spiritual meaning. Basically, I feel a lot like I did back in '93-'94 when the whole "coin-incidence" string of events occured, the main difference being that this time, I am sober. I don't know that the events that I am experiencing now are quite as coincidental as the ones back then, but there has definitely been some synchonicity happening, and my mind has definitely been racing with a strange sense of urgency.

Now as much as I would like to say that I'm sure it has nothing at all to do with the whole 2012 thing, the fact is that I'm sure it probably does. I would be lying to say that at least a little part of me wasn't somewhat curious to see what might happen, and another part of me seems to sense something major coming - or at least that is the sensation I get. I mean, I have always had periods of distraction and burn out when coding, but this seems to be a little different.

And that is a real challenge I have been facing this last month or so - trying to stay focused and on track at work so I can get some stuff done. Fortunately, I guess I am a good enough worker that I can spend quite a bit of time doing "other" things, research and stuff, and still please the person I am working for. That is truly a blessing. I can't help but feel guilty though, like I am getting paid for something and not doing that thing I am getting paid for, which causes me to tell myself that I am being dishonest and fraudulent. And that is a thought and feeling that I don't like to have - not one bit.

So, I have tried, albeit not with a whole lot of effort, to start looking for and being open to different opportunities, like writing positions or something, that might allow me to do something I could actually maintain focus on and give 100 - heck, even 75 % to! I even posted a request on this angel investor site called "Go 4 Funding" to see if I couldn't attract some angel investor to give me enough money to write a book that might be able to get me into a full time writing career. I have been posting short articles to this open "news" site called "before it's news" to see if I can maybe get noticed there. And I attempted, once again, to get in touch with Gaetan Delaforge, only to get a response from the writer of "Mission," Patrick Tilley and begin a brief correspondence with him. Alas, he was not able to lead me to Gaetan, and after about a week, he gave a polite "we're done here," leaving me right where I started. Yep.

And so I sit here, at my contracting job at MAAX Spas, working on their Team Portal web app (or at least trying to) wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself. I ran out of medicine Wednesday and forgot it again yesterday, so I was pretty out of sorts when I got home. When I did, I opened the mailbox to find a letter from the HOA board at the condo, which I am walking away from, saying that they are doing a $2500 assessment, and that the total is due by August 31st. Yeah, nice. Then, I go inside and head to the bedroom to get changed into my workout clothes only to have Emilee knock on the door and tell me that our dog Cooper had just peed on the floor in the workout room - at which point, I came unglued, screamed and yelled at Cooper, put him outside, sprayed him down with the hose, picked him up roughly, rubbed his nose in the pee, and spanked his butt hard. It wasn't pretty, and I was pretty disappointed in myself - that I could get that angry and out of control.

I felt absolutely sick about all of it after I finished, and promptly went into the bedroom, closed the door, got my jammies on and curled up in bed. I'm sure the lack of medication had a lot to do with it, as I was extremely light headed and a little dizzy for most of the afternoon. Adding the letter from the HOA to that condition put me in a prime state for freak out, which Cooper set off completely by peeing on the carpet. I was not pleased with the way I handled it at all, and actually felt very dark, as if I was myself "evil." I layed in bed until Debbie came in at 9 contemplating what had happened, thinking back over my life and how I used to be, wondering who I was/am, who I want to be, and even meditated and prayed some. I think it all helped, as I felt halfway decent before I actually went to sleep, which is no small feat after having blown that big.

Today, I have opened my mind to a belief I used to have back when I was the total "spiritual seeker" and wannabe guru : that I am a spiritual warrior, and my battle is with myself, my lower nature - my anger, pride, lust, envy, greed, sloth. It is a real war for my spirit, and if I don't take it as that, if I let up on my spiritual "exercise" - prayer, meditation, contemplation, etc - then I am opening myself to attack from the 'dark side' of myself, or other powers or presences. Strangely, I have been remembering some thoughts or intuitions I had about this time period, and even weird "self prophecies" about 'deals' I made with God about getting to be here for this, and being prepared and my vehicle being pure and stuff. I know it all sounds weird, and sometimes I don't even know how much of it was real and how much was just drug-induced delusion.

I do know that I am sober now though. And I know that there is some crazy, spooky stuff going on in the world. I know that I am concerned I am not in touch with a god - a personal God, that I can have faith in when the times get tough. I am afraid that in refining my view of God to this impersonal, "Force" like presence, I have lost that protective father figure God I need in times like this. I actually found a post by someone on a website today about this very same thing, and the person said that now, in his 50's, after having gone through the same stages, he is back praying to that personal God. And you know, I just might do that too. I guess at this point, it doesn't matter as much that there is that personal God as it does that I feel that there is, and that someone, something somewhere is listening to my pleas and is going to help me - help all of us get through this time of spiritual darkness.

I know that I am very, very thankful to have a loving, supportive woman in my life, and to know that I don't have to go through any of this alone.  I am thankful that I am not .001% more unfocused than I am so that I CAN continue to work to provide for the family. I am glad that I have my sobriety today, and don't even smoke cigarettes, so I can take comfort in the fact that my physical vehicle is about as pure as it's going to get. And I am thankful for everything else in my life - the kids, the place, the vehicles, the friends - everything. I think as long as I stay in that gratitude, and keep praying and meditating, I might just make it through all of this ok. Or at least as ok as I can be. Hey - they haven't killed me yet! Lol

Gone for awhile, but back again

It has been quite some time since I have really struggled with any real depression, but over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling that familiar old sensation of being stuck in the quagmire again. Turns out that even though being a business analyst is my dream job, and I really like working at GCU, the personality and behavior of the other BA on our team (Jay) has presented me with some real challenges. And normally, at least considering what 'normal' has been for the last year or two, that wouldn't be a big thing. But it has come to my attention that I have not been paying enough attention to, or spending enough time on my spiritual health, and as a result, I am really feeling the effects.

I have not been meditating at all for at least 3 or 4 months now, and I used to do it twice a day, most every day. I have been going to only one AA meeting a week, on Mondays, when I used to go every Friday as well. And I have not been posting to this blog at all, journaling - I have been telling myself  "I don't feel like doing that" stories. And I had not seen Diana for a one-on-one appt in a long time - I am thinking 2 or 3 months at least. All of this adds up to a recipe for depression for me. Oh, and I forgot another biggie - I have not been working out since moving to Mesa 2 weeks ago. That is HUGE, I know, because my depression really started subsiding when I started working out a couple of years ago.

Well, I took care of one of those things this morning after going home depressed yesterday after a misunderstanding with Debbie, and her suggesting it - that I go see Diana. So I scheduled an appt for 8am this morning. Also, I got online and found a couple of different Friday night AA meetings in Mesa, and I am going to hit one this Friday. As far as meditation, I am going to start doing that again too, even if only for 3 minutes at a time to start. I keep telling myself "I don't want to take the time" stories, thinking it will take too long. So if I start small, I can move up from there. As far as working out, I am considering getting some home gym equipment with income tax instead of another gym membership. There are only 2 gyms conveniently close to where I am living now, and I don't really dig either one too much. Not only that, but because of the time it takes me to commute now, I really don't want to spend that much extra time away from home each night, leaving Tessi alone.

So I have a plan to get back on track, and I am going to do just that. I am not sure how I got so off track (well yeah, I kinda' am - the move was a big part of it, but not all), but that is not as important as getting back on track. I just need to do it. And I am - starting today, with this post. My frame of mind has been hard on my relationship with Debbie too, and with the wedding coming in June, I want to be in as good a place as possible - not all twisted up in depression.

I am grateful for all the tools and gifts I have been given. I am grateful to be alive and sober. And I am grateful to be humble enough to admit that I need some help and willing enough to do what I can to get that help - some from others, and a whole lot from my Higher Power. Thanks to that HP and all those in my life who love and support me. Thanks to those who challenge me as well. And thanks to my self - that thing I call "me" that has persevered through this life, risen to many challenges, and been willing to improve, and work for that improvement time and time again. Here we go again - but this time, we're going up again.

Update - 2012, my new position, a new place, and Tessi back home

It seems almost humorously redundant to say, once again, "Wow - it has been a LONG time since my last post!" Ha ha. But indeed, it has. And this time, because I have been enjoying life, and in particular my new job, so much. I am really loving being a BA and especially at this company, in this dept. Everyone (with the exception of the other BA, Jay) is very nice to work with, and I have encountered nothing but positive vibes (except from Jay - recurring theme here...? Lol).

About that thing with Jay - it boils down to the simple fact that he and I are basically polar opposites : I am patient, somewhat reserved, and business professional when it comes to meetings. He is impulsive, rather loud, and tends to interrupt a lot and take over meetings when he is in them. It led to a bit of an impasse last week when he talked over me at a meeting we attended - one which he was not even the presenter of - and without pouting or explicitly sating it, I let him know that I didn't appreciate it. Our boss Ryan (who is WAAAYYYY cool - one of the nicer people I have ever met, and got me a Cardinals hat for Christmas after knowing me for only 2 weeks) has even spoken to me, and him, about it. Fortunately, he sees it as it is - 2 different personalities interacting, and doesn't worry too much about it. Jay, on the other hand, seems to be incredibly sensitive, and I wonder if he isn't threatened by me a little bit. Fortunately, I am very comfortable in who and what I am, and because we are peers - he's not my boss - it really doesn't have any major impact.

Oh, did I mention I LOVE being a BA??? I was actually looking over some documents on my laptop and found a resume from 2008 that I had targeted for a BA position. I didn't realize it had been that long that I had been wanting to make this transition. I knew it had been a while. So it's no wonder that I am so happy. And what makes it even sweeter is that I am finally getting some real experience in the field, experience that I can put on a resume' so that if (and I hope it doesn't happen for a LONG time, if ever) I ended up leaving GCU, I could apply for another BA position instead of going back into development. And it seems like I have a real knack for it. I got a great 30 day review last week, and my customers (and the Devs, thank goodness) seem to like me a lot so far.

In other news, I finally decided to let the condo go and moved to a house in Mesa. It's a 4 bedroom with a 2 car garage, nice, big back yard, lots of room on the inside, and only about 100 yards away from a park. I (eventually we) are just renting it, but I like it so much, I am hoping we can stay for a long time. It's only about a mile away from where Debbie lives currently, so we have been seeing a lot more of each other, and that has been awesome. Oh, HOW could I forget - it has a WASHER AND DRYER - YESSSSSS! No more going to laundromats, and I have been LOVING that!

And, about 3 weeks ago, Tess called and said her mom wanted her to come back to live with me. I guess some shady situation went down (imagine that) where her mom and Ken went to someone's house along with all the kids, and let some 'guys' borrow their vehicle. Well, the guys were gone all day (were only supposed to be gone for a little while), and when they finally got back, Tessi said something like "It's about time - sheez!" Well, her mom and Ken didn't liker her 'embarassing' them, so they asked her to leave - which I was actually happy about, as I was not liking the way everything I bought her was disappearing, not to mention all the unsavory activities that happened over there. I am glad she is home and have been enjoying having her around.

So life is good - better than I could ever have imagined. And I am SO incredibly grateful to God, the Universe, and all that is. I am truly blessed, and if the world really ends this year, well, then at least I got to experience true heaven on earth before it does : )

Let the new era BEGIN - thank GOD!

Well, I got the call I was hoping for yesterday - I was offered the BA position at GCU. YES! Not only that, but they are offering more $$$ than I actually asked for - $75K instead of the 70K I asked for. What a blessing. You know, it's kinda' funny : I have had this fortune from a fortune cookie taped to the top of my monitor here for some time now, and it really seems to have come true. It reads : "No obstacles will stand in the way of your success this year." Indeed, there were many obstacles to success this year : the loss of merit increases at Banner; the difficulties at BGA; the loss of that job and the extended (for me) 5 weeks of unemployment; the loss of ambition for coding here at Sage, no doubt hurried along by the extreme micro-management John practices; the searching for a BA position with no real, extended experience as a BA. I mean, if those aren't some obstacles...!

Yet, through it all, it seems as though I have come to a place that I thought I might not be able to reach - a place of finally being able to make a career change, and miraculously, with no seemingly ill effects or major disruptions to my income. For awhile there, I had almost completely given up on being able to do so. In fact, I was even applying for help desk positions - ones in which I would have made half of what I do now - just to get out of coding. And here I sit today with an offer for more than I am currently making, with a great company, with awesome benefits, and in the field of education. Does it get any better than that?

Of course I realize that there are still many challenges to be faced on the road ahead. There are many unknowns that I will have to contend with. And there is no certainty that I will like working at GCU, or even like being a BA. But I just keep thinking of the fortune stuck on my monitor. It has become a mantra to me, and I actually find myself repeating it at times, reminding myself of the hope it holds. Something tells me that 'this year' is going to become every year, as I plan on keeping that little fortune cookie fortune and instilling that mantra deep within my psyche. It's about time for me to enjoy some success and be able to navigate the obstacles to get there. Of course, I don't do any of it alone, and I am very grateful to my HP for always being there for, and with me. 

Movin' on - hopefully soon

Over the course of the last month or so, I have solidified my belief that I don't want to be a code monkey anymore and taken the first steps to actively seeking a position as a business analyst. There have a been a number of days recently when I have just not wanted to come in to work, and when I do, I can hardly stand to think that I have to sit here at the PC and code all day - again. So, instead of just whining about it and hoping things will magically change, I sent out some emails to recruiters I have worked with in the past asking about BA positions.

I got a bite quicker than I thought I would and actually went on an interview yesterday for a junior-mid level BA position with Grand Canyon University. The people I interviewed with seemed super nice, and I am hopeful that I will get an offer. The benefits are excellent, and both of the directors I talked with, one of whom I would be working under (they actually have 2 positions open, so I could end up working for either of them) seemed extremely friendly and honest. I was thinking I might hear something today, but if not today then definitely Monday. Of course me, being the ever-patient person, am ok waiting as long as I need to... Ha ha ha! In all reality though, I am ok if I don't hear back today. I have a job, and although it's not what I would prefer to be doing, it isn't unbearable either.

The nice thing is, if I don't get the position at least I know that there are some positions out there for which I might be a good fit. And there are some hiring managers who will be willing to interview me even though I haven't been in a pure BA position before. I have also learned that I actually did do a lot of BA-type duties when I was at Banner, and even when I was at Blue Cross Blue Shield - I just never really thought about them that way. I am going to re-do my resume' if necessary to highlight those skills and am positive that I could get something.

And as much as I convinced myself a year or 2 ago that I wouldn't be happy in a BA position - probably more as a means of coping with the fact that I didn't get it (at Banner) - I know see that it is a much better fit for my personality style and offers a much clearer path to upper management or other advancement opportunities. It seems to me that sitting in a cube coding, I am never really going to go anywhere. And knowing developers like I do, I have no desire to be a director of development. I don't think I have thick enough skin and the mettle to do it without just hating it.

It feels good to have finally made an actual decision about this, as I have been pondering it and going back and forth for some time.  Most people I have talked to in the field have told me that I ought to stay in development, that the job security and demand is better, and that it's harder to find someone who can code than it is a BA. That caused me to tell myself a lot of fear stories, which in turn kept me from pursuing it further. Bit I remembered something someone told me along the way - and that is that no matter what you do, if you are passionate about it and do it with excellence, you will always be able to get a job. Not only that, but  I believe that doing something that is actually enjoyable, or allows me to utilize my other talents such as writing and speaking will open up several doors and opportunities that would otherwise go undiscovered.

I am honestly thinking I am going to get an offer from GCU, be it today or Monday. So I am not going to go too far into "if I don't...." just yet. Instead, I am going to be patient, think positive, and enjoy my afternoon. I am looking forward to spending a nice weekend with my fiance', and life is really good - way better than I could ever have imagined it would be at this point in my life, especially considering the 17 year 'detour' I took! Lol! I am grateful to God, the Universe, my HP, and whoever/whatever else might be responsible for the Grace I experience in my life. Blessed, I am, and my gratitude is unending : )

Revelation.. about development

So I originally put this in an email to Deb, but it was so profound, I thought I ought to capture it for posterity :

You know, I have had a bit of a revelation this morning, and I thought I would share it with you : I have noticed since I have been a developer that communication, most of the time, really sucks between coworkers in this position. I can’t count how many times I have sent out an email to an entire team – in this case, more than 20 people – and had either no one at all, or if I am lucky one person reply to it. I always wondered to myself, why is that? Surely at least 2 or 3 other people out there know the answer I am looking for, or at least have some insight they could provide.

This morning, while pondering that and thinking at the same time what a man crush BB has on the jscript guys (at least the one for sure) it hit me – no one wants to reply because they are afraid that they will say something, no matter how small or insignificant, that will make them look stupid, or at least “not as smart as”, and in this job, everyone is scared of that. There are those few people who just don’t care, and they are the ones that tend to reply and be helpful. But the majority all want to be seen as super intelligent so that, if they can’t be the “chosen one”, the one the boss loves, they can hopefully at least avoid being someone the boss constantly patronizes and talks down to because they have been exposed as not knowing everything. And so in playing favorites, and worshipping those who do things that wow them while patronizing, marginalizing and talking down to those who don’t, bosses create an environment that does the exact opposite of fostering collaboration and creativity. Instead, it creates an atmosphere of competition and self-protection where people hold back on being helpful for fear of being “exposed” as being fallible.

Big news! We got engaged. But this post is about coding - ugh

Ok, so I would be a horrible excuse for a romantic if I didn't first announce that I asked Debbie to marry me on Oct 19th, and she accepted. So we are now officially engaged. It's funny - I read that last post, and thought, "kind of ironic to be posting next that we are getting engaged!" Lol. But, to her, and our credit, we went to see Diana, learned some new communication techniques, and have really been working to improve our communication. There have still been some rough patches, but there has been improvement too. And I do love her with all my heart - no woman has ever made me laugh as much as she does, and none has made me as happy. That, combined with the fact that she is willing to admit (eventually! Lol) that she was wrong and work to improve it. And of course it doesn't hurt that she is absolutely beautiful, and we have an awesome sex life! haha

Having said that, and been a good boy, I now want to go on to the big conundrum I have been dealing with for the past year or so, and especially over the last 3 or 4 months : I AM SICK OF CODING! There, I said it. I am tired of sitting in a cubicle all day, staring at a computer screen, and typing lines of code in to make it do stuff. I am tired of working on something so utterly complex - as the current product I am working on is - and at the same time so completely boring. I am tired of having to think so hard all the time to produce what, to me, is so ungratifying. I feel exaclty how the main character in Office Space felt - or pretty damn close anyway. I am thinking that a stint at Taco Bell or Wal Mart would be pretty awesome right now.

Much to my dismay, I have been finding out that it is not so easy to move into some other role in IT, such as that of a business analyst or something. I tried at Banner, thought I would be a shoein, and was told that they wanted someone with more actual BA experience. I have reached out to some recruiters to let them know how I feel, and only one has actually gotten back to me with any real interest. I even went to DeVry awhile back and spoke to Paul, one of the career counselors, only to have him convince me to stay in development. But I don't want to! Bleh hehhhh!

Thing is, the money is decent. And the job demand has been steady, even when the economy is bad. I am very gratful for that and know that there are a lot of people out there that would kill for that - so I can't really "complain" per se. But I am beginning to think that all of that is not really as important as my overall life satisfaction is. Heck, I had more job satisfaction when I worked in the warehouse at Galco. There were days I would come home tired, from a job well done, and know that I had actually done something. In this job, as so many others, the kudos are few and far between. And when there is not that feeling of a hard day's work, and some visible result that actually means something - well, it's just not satisfying.

So what the hell do I do? Well, I am in communication with one recruiter who seems to be at least a little interested in helping me out. I am also seriously thinking about posting an ad on craigslist or something like that advertising myself and what I want. And I am also thinking about going back to school next year, and to get a masters in something that will get me out of the heads-down coding that I have come to dislike so. And, a little prayer or 2 wouldn't hurt, I'm sure.

I have faith that something will eventually come along. I have the love and support of a good woman, and the reassurance that when we are living together, I won't need to make quite as much as I need to now. So it will work out - I know it will. I just need to be patient, have faith, and keep trying. If all else fails, I might need to call in some lingering "Burrito Master" favors! Lol

How much is enough?

I know I'm really down when I don't even want to expend the energy to write about it. And I am really down today. Debbie and I have fallen into a pattern where, almost every Saturday night, she hits me with some "surprise" nugget of information she wants to talk about, and most often, it is something about how I'm not doing enough to show I love her, or I have said or done something that made her doubt, or something to that effect. It has led to several horrible Saturday nights in bed, where neither of us gets much sleep, and we both wake up feeling icky. Inevitably, we talk it over, and go on with the day. She seems to be able to get past it quickly. But because it always seems to be about ME, and what I am/am not doing, it lingers, and I end up feeling down Sunday, and most often times Monday too. Like today.

This last Saturday  (2 nights ago), we were heading to bed after having what I thought was a pretty good day. There was one little rough patch that occurred as a result of her following me on the freeway over to my place, her falling way behind, and me calling her to see if everything was ok. She got pissed, and said "ok, ok," and proceeded to speed right on past me as I sat on the side of the road waiting for her to catch up. When she got to my place, she wasn't happy - AT ALL - and it was evident. We went in my room for awhile, talked it out, and emerged ok. We went on with the day.

So when we were heading into bed, I had no reason to think that anything was wrong. And this is a major factor of these "Saturday night surprises" - they come out of NOWHERE; I am totally taken aback and they are completely unexpected. This time, we were laying down, I was getting ready to kiss and snuggle her, and I could tell when I looked at her, she wasn't happy. So I asked what was wrong.

She proceeded to mention that I had said some things that had exposed how I "really felt", and that she didn't think that I wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. She went on to say that we "wanted different things," and that it was ok, but she needed someone who wanted the same things she does. I was like "what the ....???" It all stemmed from a comment I had made earlier that day, about when Emilee turned 18, and 'if' we were still together, the things we might do. She interpreted the 'if' to mean that I had no intention of being with her 6 years from now, and that we just didn't want the same things.

Yyyyyeaaahhhhh... I was none too happy, and tried to explain that when I said that, it was more a matter of "who knows what's going to happen in 6 years? We may ALL be dead!" She mentioned that she got that, but that was a horrible thought, and again - we were obviously 2 very different people.

Now what pissed - and pisses  - me off, is ALL the shit I have done for and with her over the last 9 months, and 3 months especially. I have given her numerous gifts, put up with her lovely daughter who treats me like shit constantly, and put thousands of miles on my truck and bike to drive out to her place and spend as much time as possible with her. To add to all that, I have even talked in the last few weeks seriously of walking away from my mortgage so that we could get a place together. One might think, "wow, he must really be serious to be contemplating that." But not her. Apparently, it didn't mean jack shit.

At this point, I think it is only fair to mention that I know she is very scared of being hurt; I know she feels exposed and vulnerable, and much like I used to do, she is trying to push me away to avoid being hurt. Thing is, I too have those same fears; and I too have been hurt. But I am NOT pushing her away. And in fact, have really gone to bat to hang onto her.

But my arms, as well as my mind and my spirit, are getting tired. I am thinking we are at a crossroads in this relationship, and that if this cycle doesn't stop, it is going to be ME who asks for a break (she has brought that up SEVERAL times lately, that maybe we need a break; can't get more kharmic than that, eh? I now I had that coming). As much as I love her, I can't live this way again - on the seesaw of depression, on pins and needles, waiting for the next "surprise attack"; constantly having to fear her little bitch of a daughter (God forgive me) throwing a tantrum and ruining everyone's day. I am recovering from the crippling depression that has dogged me my whole life - or at least I WAS - and I don't want to go back there. But it seems as though I am going back there - every weekend lately. But no more.

We talked last night, and I got pretty 'real." I think she could tell how earnest I was. She again promised she wouldn't do it anymore. She has before though, so I am not real hopeful that she will stick to it this time. And I sent her an email about an hour ago that layed out my thoughts - about all the time, gas, money and energy I have spent lately to go out to her place 4-5 times a week. I just don't think she has appreciated it AT ALL. She comes out to my place for 1 day every 2 weeks, and I am out at hers for 8-10 days every 2 weeks. I didn't mind doing it for the longest time. But now, I am done for awhile.

I am a nice person, and I try to give my best to those I love. I try to be forgiving, understanding, and supportive. But I will not sacrifice my happiness or serenity for anyone - especially someone who not only doesn't appreciate what I do, but accuses me of not doing enough. I mentioned recently how she never gets me any gifts, thinking she would get me a little something. Has she? No. I have mentioned how much I would like her to get a pedicure. Has she? No. Well, I am done giving for awhile. She better figure shit out and get straight, or we are going to take a break. God knows, I feel like I could use one. And this used to be thet thing that gave me the most joy in life. Oy vey.

The year of my battered self-esteem (as far as the career goes anyway)

As good as this year has been in some respects - mainly, my relationship with Debbie - it has been incredibly difficult in other areas, particularly as far as my self-confidence in my professional abilities goes. I suppose I ought to give the "rundown/"

I think it really started when I was still at Banner, and a lady who was a bigwig in payroll or something lit into me in a meeting about the Better Together campaign after it was over regarding some issues that surfaced. Her name was Lisa Davis I think, and in a meeting with her, Camille Horn, Jennifer and Dawn, she RIPPED me, basically calling me out and blaming all of the issues on me. I was really expecting someone to stand up for me and defend me, especially after all I had done to ensure the success of the campaign. But that did not happen. I was basically left sitting there, getting ripped, and it felt horrible. My boss Al said that I shouldn't worry about it, that she didn't write my reviews, but it still stung.

I ended up leaving Banner for what I thought were "greener fields" at a company called Black, Gould and Associates. And right up until they told me I wasn't the "type pf person they needed," I thought things were going great - or at least well. Then, one Friday, Cindy called me into her office and asked me how I thought I was doing (I had been there 2 months at that time). I told her that, all things considered, I thought I was doign well. She then proceeded to tell me that she had different thoughts, that they had expected more from me, that they thought I was going to put all kinds of "bells and whistles" on their website, that I wasn't the "type of person they needed." I was totally taken aback, as they had given me no previous indication that they felt this way. She even brought Paul in to talk it over too, and he proceeded to basically tell me (in not so many words) that I was incompetent. That Monday, I was gone.

And I remained unemployed for an unprecedented 5 weeks. It turned out that while I thought I was quite a hot commodity, and that the skills I had learned were very valuable, I seemed to be lacking a LOT of skills that employers want. I went on a number of interviews and started to wonder if I was going to get a job at all. There were a couple of times when I really struggled to keep at it, to keep looking. But it seems that the Universe was looking out for me, and out of nowhere, I got an email from an internal recruiter from the company I now work for - Sage. And within 3 days of getting that email, I had been offered, and accepted a position.

So all is well, right? I feel good now, right? Well.... For starters, the software product I am working on is very large and complex, and it is really shedding light on some areas I don't know much about - TFS, unit testing, release builds, Q and A, etc. I am used to building websites which are pre-compiled and then published to a web server. And this is a WHOLE different animal. A bigger, more complex animal. And one that has behaviors and systems I have not seen before, like it's own IDE that is used to build and deploy the website. But I have done fairly well (I think) at getting up to speed. That was, until I started this latest training class Monday.

It is supposed to be a 3 day class, taken online with a virtual PC to do the exercises, a chat client for questions for the instructor, and a series of videos along with a pdf workbook for learning. I started yesterday, and worked steadily through the day, only to find that I had fallen a little behind the agenda. Not to worry, as they (the instructors) said that the agenda was merely a "guideline". Cool, I would catch up today I thought.

And then, shortly after completing the next exercise or 2, I ran into a major issue - the web page that I had been working on, and desperately needed to display, wouldn't : it kept saying something about a missing resource file. So I told Jason, the trainer, and he told me to close and reopen my browser. I did - no luck. He told me to delete all the files in the local www directory for the site I did - no luck. I told him, and he said to simply "delete the page", and that it shouldn't take that long. The page he was talking about had all kinds of stuff attached to it - there was no way I could just delete it. He didn't seem too concerned, and even got terse with me one time, saying "IISRESET" through chat. Not cool.

I got pretty stressed and pretty upset, as he basically told me he didn't know what happened. So I decided to do a restore back to a copy of the VFS that set me back about 4 hours, at least. I rushed through today after FINALLY getting the thing straightened out again, hoping to make up lost ground. But I could only do what I could do, and so I emailed Jason telling him that I was really behind and that I didn't know how I was going to finish the training. To which he replied, "I don't know what happened, but you need to finish the training and complete the assessment." Wow, thanks. Nice, I appreciate that.

Now what makes this all a little extra weird is the fact that he is an instructor at DeVry, and he knew of me, as I knew of him, although I had never taken any classes that he taught. I thought that might kind of add a bit of comraderie between us, but it seems like it is making him be a bit of an asshole - similar to the experience people have when they work for one of their parents - they are much harder on their kids than they are on others. I can't imagine he would be this way to some outside person taking the course.

And all that was enough. But then, in the chat window at the end of the day, some other guy is asking questions about the final project?!?! How in the HELL can that guy be that far already I'm asking myself...

CONTINUED - it's Friday now, I finally completed the course yesterday, and have been battling with depression and anxiety all week. I actually made an "emergency" appointment with Diana Tuesday night, and seemed to be doing a little better Wednesday. I came in and set to finishing up the workbook and project, working furiously, determined to get it done. And I did just that - cranked on getting it all completed. But when 3:30 Wednesday came around, and it looked like I was not going to get the hands-on portion done, I messaged Jason to let him know, and asked him what I should do. He asked me "so what's the plan," and I said the he could let me take the assessment without having completed the hands-on, considering that it says right in the workbook that the expectation may not be to actually finish it, but to submit a SOW and get it approved. I figured that given the technical difficulties I had, that would be fair.

BUT, that was not his thinking, and he proceeded to get a little snippy about it. I have the details save somewhere else, but suffice it to say that for some reason, he seemed to make it a very personal thing, made some rather terse comments, and even threatened to escalate to my manager. I was pretty blown away by all of it, as I thought this was supposed to be a TRAINING course, and that was how I approached it. But he made reference to the fact that I was an internal developer, and that's why he left me to figure out what happened on my own. He also said that was why he was "giving me more rope," and then got really defensive when I asked how a trainer would handle the situation (of facing major technical difficulties and falling behind as a result) if I were an outside customer.

So I stayed after work until about 5:30pm Wed night working on it after he agreed to leave the machine open for me, and had plans to even work on it at home. But the screen resolution would not allow me to see much of the VPC at all, and I sent him an email stating as much, asking if I could perhaps get on again Thursday morning to finish.

After all that, I was a little stressed and talked to Debbie about maybe going over to spend the night with her - thought maybe a little time with my sweetie would be comforting. But when I got there, and she opened the door, I could tell immediately that she was upset. Apparently, Emilee had let into her about me coming over, saying that she should have asked her about it first, that Debbie didn't listen to her, and that the relationship with me was going to end up just like the one with Fred did. I tried to convince her to not let it get to her, but I know how it is when someone upsets me like that - it's not as easy as just forgetting about it. She said that it wouldn't ruin the night though.

And it might not have. But for whatever reason, when we decided to head to bed, and Emilee finally emerged from the bedroom, I was triggered into a state of fear and depression. I almost felt like a kid again, like when my grandpa Everett was drunk, and I would get scared and try to avoid him. Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant thing to go to sleep thinking, and it was a rough night.

Wow, this post could go on forever. But suffice it to say that I was very depressed yesterday, I think Jason basically told on me to my manager John, who came over and nicely (really) explained some things to me,I did finally finish the hands-on project, and I went to see Diana again last night. Today, I am feeling somewhat better, and though not 100%, am much better than I have been all week. I am still considering whether or not I want to stay in software development for my career, but that is a decision I can come to gradually now - I am through the "panic-get me the hell out of here" mode, which is a relief. And I went to lunch with a couple of the guys here today, Cameron and Michael, and that was nice, so that is cool.

Tomorrow morning, my AA homegroup is doing the hospitality at the Roundup at 7am, then the meeting at 8 after, and I plan on being there. Then, at 11am, I am going to DeVry to sit on a panel for an open house they are having. When I was really depressed yesterday, I sent Deena an email cancelling, as I didn't figure they would want someone there who was thinking of getting out of the field entirely. But I thought how selfish and inconsiderate that was and reconsidered. So I will be there at 10:45. I am supposed to take Tessi school shopping tomorrow afternoon, and of course will spend as much of the weekend as possible with Debbie.

I am hoping that it will be a nice weekend, filled with healing, and the company of loved ones. I am hoping that the worst of the depression and anxiety is behind me, and I can get back on track again - even if I do decide eventually to change career paths, and/or walk away from my condo (another thing I have been leaning towards). The thing is, I don't want to act impulsively out of fear like I used to. And by God's Grace, a good counsellor, AA, and my wonderful girlfriend (as well as a little bit coming from myself, and the tools I have learned), I was able to avoid doing that. I have to remember how huge that is for me, even now. Because I REALLY wanted to run - just run and hide. But I didn't. I'm still  here to face another day, and for that, I am grateful (ok, so I am not totally feeling that just yet - but I'm getting there! Lol)

The Waterfall Effect

So this weekend was another one of those "Debbie and Emilee come out to stay at our place and Emilee throws a fit - in her passive-aggressive way, cries because she wants to go home, upsets Debbie, which causes rough times for us, and basically ruins the weekend" weekends. It was really disappointing too, because it seemed like we really did a backslide as far as the relationship goes. We went to bed Saturday night with Debbie being upset, but not wanting to talk about it. When we woke up Sunday, we talked, and it was rather dramatic and stressful, the way it used to be. Not fun.

We got through it, and the day seemed to go a little better - right up until she was getting ready to leave. She was upset again, and at that instant, Doug called, at which time she decided she was going to stomp off and leave, upset with me. I finally decided I'd had enough, and just told her "fine" and went into my bedroom to talk to Doug. Well, she came settled down, came into my room, and after I was finished talking to Doug, we talked for awhile and got back on an even keel. She said she was going to get some counselling for Emilee - which she has so far been very reluctant to do for some reason - and that she promised again that we would not go to bed without talking through things anymore. We kissed, made up, and they left. All better, right?

Not really. Because today, I am feeling down, and not just about our relationship. I am feeling insecure about work, about my abilities, about my motorcycle, about everything. I have noticed this the last few times this has  happened - that the negativity that occurs in the relationship at times like this, when it gets really rough, flows down into the other areas of my life, and I start feeling like I did when I was really struggling with the depression.

So today, I am going to try to get back on top, but so far, it is proving difficult. I decided to ride my bike to work today so I could "enjoy" the smell of the rain from last night, and my bike ran like shit again, like it did that last time after it rained. I got to work and read an email about the other new guy who works in dev (started a couple of weeks before me apparently) and how he created this new tool for everyone to use to validat JavaScript. And here I am struggling just to learn the overall architecture still and how to change the text of labels on forms. Icky.

I'm not sure what to do, so I am just going to accept the feelings and thoughts for what they are and just get through the day. I have my AA meeting tonight, so that should help. Right now, I just feel a little ill, and wish I could just go back home, crawl into bed, and pull the covers over my head. But I am not going to do that. I am going to soldier through and just do what I can do. I am the greatest developer in the world? No, absolutely not. Am I the best parent in the world? No. Am I the best partner in the world? Doubt it. I am the best me I can be today? I don't know. But I know I need to try to be, and that is what I am focusing on. Some days, it seems much harder than others. Today is going to be one of those "harder" days.

Back to work - thank God

I am happy to say that I am finally back to work, and at what seems to be a very good company. It's really weird because after going on a number of interviews (DriveTime, contract for ADOT, Business and Decision, Noteworthy Medical, Concorde), being passed up on 2 (DriveTime and Concorde), and delayed indefinitely on 2 (ADOT and Noteworthy), I was starting to get a little frustrated. But I pulled myself back together and decided to start anew the week of June 27th. Strangely though, something told me that I was probably going to have something show up out of nowhere - something unexpected - and that it would be the opportunity I had been seeking.

So Monday morning, lo and behold, I get an email from an internal recruiter for a company called Sage. I had received emails from internal recruiters before, only to have them either fizzle totally, or not work out, like in the case of DriveTime. I called the contact though, had a brief phone interview, and he said he would like to set up a phone interview for me with the hiring manager - that afternoon. I was pretty impressed with the speed that it was moving and had the call with the manager at about 4:30pm. It went very well too, and I liked the fact that the manager I spoke with told me that they were interested as much in personality as technical skills, as it was important to him to have people that were easy to work with. He asked if I could come in very soon for an interview, and I said absolutely.

This part is kinda' funny - I got an email from the HR contact, Mike Kim, about the interview, and I could have sworn it said it was for the next day - Tuesday - at 2:30pm. And I was pretty darned excited about that. So the next day, I headed in to their office off of Scottsdale Road and Doubletree Ranch for my interview. When the manager, John Perona, came out to get me, he mentioned that he thought the interview had been scheduled for Wednesday, but that either way, it was ok to go ahead and have it that day, as he didn't want me to have to come all the way back again.

So I went into the interview, and.... well, I will continue this tomorrow. But suffice it to say, the interview went well, I got the job, it seems to be a great company, it is an actual software company, and to this point, I am very happy and grateful to God for such a cool opportunity. My first day was July 11th - praise jeebus! Lol.

Latest Update : UNEMPLOYED

It seems that once again, it has been a long time since I posted anything. I wish I could say I've been having "too much fun," but I am afraid it's just the opposite : I am unemployed, and not feeling real good about my future at this point.

My job at BGA seemed to be going well. As far as I could tell, they were happy with me, and I was starting to get more comfortable with all of them (all 6 of them). Then, out of nowhere, Cindy called me into her office one Friday (about 3 weeks ago) and asked me how I thought I was doing so far. I told her that I thought I was doing well, and that - given the circumstances - I was pretty happy with my progress. Since they were getting ready to do a major rollout, Paul had been very busy and maybe didn't have the time to spend with me that he normally would have - at least in my opinion.

She proceeded to tell me that, from what she saw in the meeting we had the previous day, I really hadn't done much at all and that she had expected a lot more from me. I was quite taken aback, as no one had said anything about my performance previous to this. I told her that there was a LOT of code behind what I had done, and that there were several things that weren't even working to begin with that I had fixed. She went on to tell me that she wasn't sure I was the "type of person they needed" in the position, that they really needed a Type A, in your face person, and that she wasn't sure if I could be that person or not. I told her about Paul having been busy, about not wanting to make so many changes that I broke the build and messed up the release, and she seemed to understand me. She told me to think about it over the weekend and we could take about it Monday.

I left her office feeling pretty icky, and proceeded to go downstairs to call Debbie and tell her about it. After speaking with her, I went back up to the office I shared with Paul and was fairly certain I could make it through the next 2 hours before I got to go home. I noticed when I got back up there that Paul wasn't there, which I found pretty 'coincidental.' Well, about 10 minutes later, he came back into the office, along with Cindy.

They both came in and sat down, Cindy looked at me and said, "Why don't you tell Paul what you were telling me about?" So I proceeded to tell Paul all of the things I had told Cindy, only for him to consistently shut me down, contradict what I said, and paint it in a light that made me look like an incompetent fool. He told me that during the meeting the day before I had given an estimate of 30 hours for a worksheet that I was working on, and he explained that it was merely an "exercise", that he could do it in 4 hours. I told him that it was taking me awhile to understand the logic of it, and he said, "why do you need to understand it? There are 3 different implementations of it in the code. You should be able to just look at the code and do it."

After each rebuttal by Paul, Cindy would come back to me, and say again and again, "So, do you think you can be the kind of person we need? You think you can be a Type A person?...." I said to her, "It seems to me like you guys already have your mind made up that I cannot." I then asked Paul why he hadn't introduced me to Clark, one of the agents, on one of his many trips down to our office, so I could better understand what they needed, and Cindy blurted out "Stop - that's it! See, we need someone to be an in your face kind of person, and jump in there and say, 'hey, it sounds like I need to know this stuff so I am going to sit in'." I told Cindy that I had only been there 2 months and was trying to not step on toes, and she said that if I was going to sit and wait for someone to introduce me to people, I would be sitting there forever.

Again, she asked me, "So, do you think you can be the kind of person we need?" to which I finally answered, "Uhhhh, no? I mean, I feel like I am a defendant being pressured to sign a plea bargain here. So I guess the answer you want is no, I can't be that kind of person?" She told me that I could leave early and take the weekend off, and that even if I decided I couldn't be what they needed, that I could stay and at least finish the worksheet - to which Paul replied, "IF he can get it done." Nice, the icing on the cake.

So, after going in on Saturday to clean out all my stuff, and finding out that they had already locked me out of my computer, I went in on Monday (after another interview with Noteworthy Medical) and told them that I could not be the person they needed, and that it was probably best for me to be on my way. I really wanted to lay it on them about how shitty I thought they had done me, but I didn't. I did send an email later that basically let them know how unhappy I was with the way they handled it, and that was that. That was Monday, June 6th, and as of today, Wednesday, June 22nd, I am still unemployed. For many people, that may not seem like a long time, but for me, it feels like forever.

What has made it really hard too is that the day I left BGA, that Monday morning, I went in to Noteworthy - where I had interviewed before when I was looking to leave Banner - and met with another person there named Paul for a diferent position that had come open. Seeing as how I had already met and interviewed with Werner, and had a technical interview, I figured this was a shoe-in. But apparently, the day after the interview, their new CEO enacted a hiring freeze, and for the last 2 and a half weeks, they have been trying to get approval to hire me. In the meantime, I have been on 4 other interviews - 2 of which decided they wanted someone with more experience (DriveTime and Concord), one which wanted Sharepoint 2010 experience (Global Water), and one I am still waiting to here back on (a contracting position with ADOT).

I am getting a bit scared now though, because as I look through the jobs posted on Dice and CareerBuilder, and after all the interviews, it seems that having worked only on INTRANET sites at Banner, and not on INTERNET sites really hampered and stunted my development and experience as a developer, particularly as far as things like SSL, web services, and Http Modules go. Now, I am sweating a bit, wondering if I even have the skills to apply for the jobs I am. I am starting to question my core abilities. Which is not a good place to be.

Fortunately, as almost always seems to be the case, I have an appointment with Diana tonight, right when I need one most. And Debbie has been great through all this, giving me love, support and encouragement. I have tried to keep my head up, which hasn't always been easy, and have been hitting the gym regularly whenever I get too down and bored. Galen is staying with Alex for the foreseeable future, and Tessi has been at Carrie's or her mom's all summer so far, so that has taken some pressure off as far as buying groceries and such. So I am trying to maintain a positive attitude, be patient and have faith that everything will work out.

I actually just got a call from Keith, the recruiter at Noteworthy Medical Systems, and he said that the CEO - Heinrich - is supposed to be in Phoenix this week, and Werner is planning on meeting with him, so he is thinking they will be able to make me an official offer Friday. He also reiterated that both Paul and Werner really liked me, and that Paul was excited to get me on board. That is nice to hear. Now, if I could only get an actual OFFER. I know, I know - patience... patience is the key right now. That, and keeping financially afloat. So far, I am ok. But if I don't get an offer by Friday, things are going to start getting shaky. Lord help me - seriously! Lol.

Communication - tricky this week

This has been one of those weeks where it seems like Debbie and I just can't seem to communicate in a smooth, effortless fashion like we so often do. It has been a week filled with misunderstandings, confused thoughts and icky feelings. And considering the fact that yesterday was her birthday, the timing couldn't have been much worse. But let's start at the start.

Monday night I called her before bed as I do most every night we don't see each other in person. We talked for awhile, and although the conversation at times seemed a little stilted because Kyrsten was bugging her a bit, I thought it went fairly well. After about 15 minutes, it seemed like Kyrsten was getting increasingly needy, and being that it was almost 9:15pm, I figured Deb would be putting her to bed soon. So I told her that we could go ahead and wrap up, that she would probably need to attend to Kyrsten. She seemed to get a little upset at that, and proceeded to hastily say goodbye and basically click me off. Yyyyeaahhh...

I didn't think too much of it - thought she was probably a little stressed with Kyrsten bugging her as she was trying to talk, and chalked it up to her being frustrated. I later texted her "good night" and got back a pretty brief response from her. I thought she might have been stressed, so I texted something about hoping she didn't have too tough an evening. I didn't hear anything back, but sent another one saying something like 'hope all is ok - sleep well'. Again, didn't hear anything back. I didn't think too much of it, but it was a little off-putting.

Tuesday was her birthday, and I started off by sending her a text early, like around 6:30 or so, saying Happy Birthday. She replied, about an hour later, but it was a little short. We then IM'd back and forth,but things just didn't seem "right". So I told her maybe it would be good if we talked. We did, and she ended up telling me that she had told herself stories Monday night that I didn't want to talk to her - didn't want to hear what she had to say, and didn't care. That's why she basically clicked me off - she was upset with me. Of course, that is not what I meant to convey at all, but that's what she thought. I explained that wasn't what I meant to convey, apologized for my part in it, we said "I love you's," and all was well. Or so I thought.

As we continued to IM yesterday morning, it seemed as if there was a general tone of 'meanness' to some of her messages - one that culminated in her saying that she too "preferred blondes" after I made a reference to that old Farrah Fawcett poster from the 70's. This time, it was me who got butt hurt, and I let her know. We eneded up talking again later (I think - or maybe we just IM'd), and she told me that she hadn't meant it to be that way, that she was truly joking. I really thought that maybe she was still a little mad at me, even if only sub-consciously, but she swore she wasn't, and we decided mutually to "start the day over".

That worked well, we met for coffee at Starbucks last night and had a nice long talk about everything. We agreed that we would both work on improving communication as best we could and that we would re-double our efforts to not keep anything from each other. Although there were some rather tense moments, it all worked out well, and I came away feeling we had strengthened our relationship. Until this morning.

So today, I texted her first thing this morning, as always, and said my "good morning". She texted back - we were off to a great start. I got on gmail and expected to see her pop up on chat around 9, like usual. When she didn't by 9:15, I sent her a text asking where oh where she could be. I didn't hear anything back by 9:30, so I texted her again. I still didn't hear anything back, so I finally called her around 9:45 asking if she was ok. She was - it it turned out her computer had issues this morning and she wasn't able to get on the Internet. I of course wanted to know why she didn't respond to my texts, and apparently, her inbox on her phone was full, preventing her from texting. She explained that all, and I started feeling pretty bad about myself. It seems that, once again, the old spectre of "false communication expectations" that has been haunting me for the last several years is back. Once again, I find myself upset about something that is really nothing at all to be upset about : it is merely a manifestation of my completely distorted and unrealistic expectations. And so, I am bumming, because I am SICK of this popping up all the time.

I recognized my part in it, apologized profusely, and am now feeling pretty down. Of course, I am not happy about the fact that it is I who has the problem here either. Yes, I know logically that I am "in the wrong". Diana has told me as much many times. But it still pisses me off and depresses me somewhat. My ego gets involved, and I don't WANT to be the one who is in the wrong, AGAIN. But, then again, I don't want to be in the right either, because then she gets upset with and down on herself, and I feel responsible. It is such a double-edged sword. Man, relationships are so tricky. And even though this is, by FAR, the best I've ever had, it is still extrmely tricky. I know that I can be overly-sensitive, and it has been my experience that she can too. The combination of both can be quite the minefield to walk through.

Thank goodness, I have an appt with Diana tomorrow night. The timing simply could not be better, as I am thinking I really need another "mental tuneup," esp as far as my communication issues go. It's funny just how often the appointments with her just happen to fall during times when they are SO needed. And not by plan or anything - purely coincidentally. Either that, or it's just that I am that needy, and no matter when they fall, I would need it. Ugh. That's the one thing I really don't like about it - that I KEEP needing it. Maybe I am perma-fucked in the head. Seems that way sometimes. Even Diana mentioned something about how therapy should be seen as something that has an endpoint. I guess for me, that's death.

Oh well. I guess it could be worse. I could be getting high still and causing even more wreckage than I am sober - which, thankfully, doesn't seem to be that much. Of course, I am extremely hard on and critical of myself, and that doesn't help. I need to remember to talk to Diana about that too - the fact that I feel bad about having to keep going to see her. Seems like she had told me something awhile back about it being ok to keep seeing someone - but obviously I need to hear it again.

I'm tired, and planning on heading home and going straight to bed. I think I am over-tired and that is contributing to the way I am feeling. Hopefully, a good night of sleep and I will be clearer mentally. That, combined with an appointment with Diana tomorrow night ought to be some good medicine. Then, maybe Deb and I can get back in synch. This week has been a bit painful, and now that I am sober, I don't like pain so much.

A true case of "the Mondays"

Wow - what to say about this weekend; yesterday primarily. It started out wonderfully - Debbie and I laying in her bed snuggling for a long time. It was so comfortable and warm. Then we took a shower and got ready for the day. At about 11am, Fred came over to pick up Kyrsten. He and Debbie were talking, and he mentioned that he was taking his mom out to Souper Salad. Debbie asked him if he had a coupon, that she had seen one for a free meal, or buy one get one free or something. He said he didn't, and she kept asking if he wanted to get on the computer to see if he could find it, if he wanted her to look around, if he could find it on his phone, etc. It was all innocent enough in reality. But in the unreality of my head, it wasn't cool that she was going so overboard to try to help him get that coupon. I felt a little "left out," so I retreated to her room to surf the net (and pout). I got even more upset when I heard her ask if he wanted to go in and use the computer, thinking "Is she really going to kick me off so he can come use it?" How dare she! Doesn't she know who I am? (I was going to 'lol' that, but I am still reeling from yesterday a bit - not that part either - so it's a little too soon still).

So after Fred left, I was a little butt hurt. We talked about it for a little bit, and although I was still stinging, I told her I wanted Mother's Day to be nice for her, so I still wanted to go out to breakfast. We loaded Kyrsten up (Emilee didn't want to go) and headed to The Good Egg. For the first little while we were there, I was still a little cold, and I could tell it was affecting her. The waiter was a little high strung and pressured her while ordering, and she got really upset, started to shut down. I decided to ease up and told her about the concept of 'starting the day over' in AA, and suggested that we do so. She agreed that it sounded like a good idea, and so we did that.

Things seem to be going much better after that. We decided to stop in at Old Navy and get Kysrten some flip flops so she didn't have to wear her shoes constantly. She seemed to like them, and we headed off to Wal Mart. That ended up being pretty traumatic as well, because Kyrsten threw a bit of a fit in the toy dept, and from there all the way to the car (which was a LONG walk in that Wal Mart) she kept losing her flip flops, making a big deal of it, crying, refusing to let us take them off so she could walk barefoot, refusing to let Debbie carry her, etc. We finally did manage to get out of there, and I thought that we were still doing well.

Later, I ran home to get some more clothes, as I had planned on staying another night (Sunday night) because Tessi was going to stay at Carrie's. When I got back to Debbie's, Megan, Mike and Evan were there. To my pleasant surprise, things went very well, and Megan, Debbie and I had some nice conversation. I even played with Evan for a little while, and Mike managed to not really say anything. I was really happy that it went so well, and thought Debbie probably was too. And, she probably was -

right up until I asked her something - something I honestly did not mean in any hurtful or critcizing way : I asked her why she didn't wear regular panties. She wears these undergarments that kinda's resemble spandex shorts, and I have never really dated a woman who wore them before, so I was curious. Well, it was the WRONG question to ask - she got very upset (the quiet, hurt kind of upset) and ended up saying "I wear them because I am fat and ugly." From what she said, they are to "smooth out" some areas, and that a lot of women at her work wear them. She also went on to say that she has had 4 kids, is always going to be curvy, and that maybe I needed some other woman who could wear skimpy clothes. I was pretty taken aback, as I only asked her a question. Sure, I might have thought that there were some "support" reasons she wore them- but what I really wanted to know was why she never wore regular panties. And I DEFINITELY did not ask her to hurt her.

But that ended up setting the tone for the rest of the night. We went out to El Pollo Loco, where I had to keep asking her to sit closer to me - she was sitting much farther away than normal. There was a skinny little stray dog there, and that seemed to really upset her too. I tried to be comforting about that, but it didn't seem to help. When we got back to her place, she was still quiet and distant, and I finally ended up asking her if she wanted me to leave. In some sense, she said 'yes',  because she really didn't answer, but just looked at me. I didn't want to leave because I love her and knew it would end up upsetting her even more probably. In hindsight, maybe I should have left.

We went to bed, and it was very tense. It took me awhile to get to sleep, and her too. It was a very restless night of sleep, and I am really tired today. She was still very pensive this morning, and I got to work not feeling to good about all this. We IM'd a bit awhile ago, but I was pretty cranky during it and told her as much. We might talk tonight on the phone, but I put it back on her - told her if she wanted to talk, she could call. I'm not really sure what that call will be like.

Personally, I think she has some PMS thing going on, as I have noticed that for about a week every month, communication is treacherous. I even asked last night, but she said she isn't due to start for another week or 2. I am thinking maybe she is going to start sooner than she thinks, and we can chalk it up to that. But even if that is the case, we are going to need to fugure something out - someway to deal with this on a long term basis. If we are going to live together, I can't be in the doghouse for a week every month (and maybe it's not an entire week - more like 4 or 5 days) I think it is something I am definitely going to talk to Diana about, because I just don't like drama anymore. Of course, she has even said - and is probably entirely correct - that that's what women are, that's what they do, and I am going to have to accept that. Wow - and I have to figure out how to do that sober? Lord help me!

Gut feeling followed by strange vision in meditation

Ok, so I am posting this just to record it for posterity. Not really sure why, as I don't see that it would serve any purpose other than to boost my ego and show off if on fact it should come to pass. Or maybe it would serve just to trip myself out and to reinforce any belief I might have in myself that I have some precognitive abilities or something! Lol.

Anyway, I have had this feeling since they got Osama Bin Laden that Al Qaeda will retaliate by unleashing some kind of dirty bomb or other nuclear device, probably somewhere on American soil. It seems to me that if I were some extremist who followed and believed in him, I would be very upset that he was killed, and especially at the fact that he was supposedly unarmed. It only follows, especially given the "revenge-oriented" nature of their belief system, that someone would do something like that.

So this morning, I was meditating, and in what was a rather strange mix of beautiful sybolism and shapes (the actual mushrooming shape was strangely beautiful), I saw a blossoming mushroom shape. As I alluded to at first it seemed rather beautiful in its shape and the way that it was "blossoming". Then I realized what it seemed to be, and it surprised me to realize that even after having an idea of what it actually symbolized, it still maintained a aura of beauty to it - maybe akin to the beauty of the god Shiva, who is both destroyer and benefactor. It was very interesting to say the least, and I will be curious to see what happens in the coming weeks and months. Whatever may come, I hope that all beings are where they want to be in their hearts and minds.

Unpleasant unexpected call

Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's" wtith Debbie yesterday afternoon when I got a call that blew me away. It was a woman, and she said "Hello Mr. Wood, this is ____ with WalMart loss prevention. I have your daugther Tessi Wood. We caught her shoplifting and we need you to come down and get her in the next 30 minutes or we will contact the police." I can't even begin to describe the thoughts and feelings that filled me at that moment. I have been going through all kinds of struggles with Galen again, having to ask hin to leave because of his drug use again. But I NEVER expected anything like this from Tessi.

I went down to pick her up (I had dropped her and Genesys off at Christown to get some hair dye and hang out). They told me that she was not allowed to come into the store again without an adult or she would be detained again on supicion of shoplifting. They said that I am going to be getting a letter from WalMart and will be slapped with $150 fine that I have to pay, or else I will have to go to court. They also said that if she ever gets caught again, she will be charged with shoplifting and the police will be called. I was sick to my stomach. I just couldn't believe that my daughter was caught shoplifting. She had taken some fake nails, put them her bag, and then walked out of the store without paying for them. She had $12 on her that I had given her to buy hair dye, so it's not like she didn't have any money.

I actually don't feel like writing much more about this right now. My left wrist has been hurting when I type lately, so I really don't feel like typing much more. I will close by saying this : I am so glad that I have a wonderful woman like Debbie in my life. I spent the night with her last night, and it was very comforting. I am still pretty bummed out today, but it sure is nice to know that I have a wonderful woman like her in my life to love and support me through this. I am trying to maintain some perspective and serenity and remembering to breathe...