So this weekend was another one of those "Debbie and Emilee come out to stay at our place and Emilee throws a fit - in her passive-aggressive way, cries because she wants to go home, upsets Debbie, which causes rough times for us, and basically ruins the weekend" weekends. It was really disappointing too, because it seemed like we really did a backslide as far as the relationship goes. We went to bed Saturday night with Debbie being upset, but not wanting to talk about it. When we woke up Sunday, we talked, and it was rather dramatic and stressful, the way it used to be. Not fun.
We got through it, and the day seemed to go a little better - right up until she was getting ready to leave. She was upset again, and at that instant, Doug called, at which time she decided she was going to stomp off and leave, upset with me. I finally decided I'd had enough, and just told her "fine" and went into my bedroom to talk to Doug. Well, she came settled down, came into my room, and after I was finished talking to Doug, we talked for awhile and got back on an even keel. She said she was going to get some counselling for Emilee - which she has so far been very reluctant to do for some reason - and that she promised again that we would not go to bed without talking through things anymore. We kissed, made up, and they left. All better, right?
Not really. Because today, I am feeling down, and not just about our relationship. I am feeling insecure about work, about my abilities, about my motorcycle, about everything. I have noticed this the last few times this has happened - that the negativity that occurs in the relationship at times like this, when it gets really rough, flows down into the other areas of my life, and I start feeling like I did when I was really struggling with the depression.
So today, I am going to try to get back on top, but so far, it is proving difficult. I decided to ride my bike to work today so I could "enjoy" the smell of the rain from last night, and my bike ran like shit again, like it did that last time after it rained. I got to work and read an email about the other new guy who works in dev (started a couple of weeks before me apparently) and how he created this new tool for everyone to use to validat JavaScript. And here I am struggling just to learn the overall architecture still and how to change the text of labels on forms. Icky.
I'm not sure what to do, so I am just going to accept the feelings and thoughts for what they are and just get through the day. I have my AA meeting tonight, so that should help. Right now, I just feel a little ill, and wish I could just go back home, crawl into bed, and pull the covers over my head. But I am not going to do that. I am going to soldier through and just do what I can do. I am the greatest developer in the world? No, absolutely not. Am I the best parent in the world? No. Am I the best partner in the world? Doubt it. I am the best me I can be today? I don't know. But I know I need to try to be, and that is what I am focusing on. Some days, it seems much harder than others. Today is going to be one of those "harder" days.
We got through it, and the day seemed to go a little better - right up until she was getting ready to leave. She was upset again, and at that instant, Doug called, at which time she decided she was going to stomp off and leave, upset with me. I finally decided I'd had enough, and just told her "fine" and went into my bedroom to talk to Doug. Well, she came settled down, came into my room, and after I was finished talking to Doug, we talked for awhile and got back on an even keel. She said she was going to get some counselling for Emilee - which she has so far been very reluctant to do for some reason - and that she promised again that we would not go to bed without talking through things anymore. We kissed, made up, and they left. All better, right?
Not really. Because today, I am feeling down, and not just about our relationship. I am feeling insecure about work, about my abilities, about my motorcycle, about everything. I have noticed this the last few times this has happened - that the negativity that occurs in the relationship at times like this, when it gets really rough, flows down into the other areas of my life, and I start feeling like I did when I was really struggling with the depression.
So today, I am going to try to get back on top, but so far, it is proving difficult. I decided to ride my bike to work today so I could "enjoy" the smell of the rain from last night, and my bike ran like shit again, like it did that last time after it rained. I got to work and read an email about the other new guy who works in dev (started a couple of weeks before me apparently) and how he created this new tool for everyone to use to validat JavaScript. And here I am struggling just to learn the overall architecture still and how to change the text of labels on forms. Icky.
I'm not sure what to do, so I am just going to accept the feelings and thoughts for what they are and just get through the day. I have my AA meeting tonight, so that should help. Right now, I just feel a little ill, and wish I could just go back home, crawl into bed, and pull the covers over my head. But I am not going to do that. I am going to soldier through and just do what I can do. I am the greatest developer in the world? No, absolutely not. Am I the best parent in the world? No. Am I the best partner in the world? Doubt it. I am the best me I can be today? I don't know. But I know I need to try to be, and that is what I am focusing on. Some days, it seems much harder than others. Today is going to be one of those "harder" days.
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