Well, I'm back on my blog, and that usually means only one thing - I am bummin' again. Not really sure what brought it on this time. It started Friday night, and continued on through the weekend. By yesterday (Sunday) I was really down again. And over the same old stuff - tired of being alone.
For awhile, it was nice to have pretty much every weekend completely to myself, what with Galen living with Sam now, and Tessi going over there almost every weekend. But now that this has been going on for about 3 months, I think the newness and "fun" of having all that time to myself is starting to wear off, and I am getting somewhat lonely as a result.
I think my feelings were exacerbated by finding out Saturday that my friend Mac had proposed to his girlfriend Paula, and she accepted. I am very happy for them - Mac is a way cool dude. I have to admit that I am envious though. I mean, Valentines' Day is coming up, and I am remided on a daily basis that I don't have a Valentine, or sweetheart. It will be just me this year - me and the fish.
The real bummer is that this new med, Lamotrigine, seemed to be really helping with the cyclical depression I have experienced over the years. But it seems like there is just no stopping it : no matter how much medicine I take, how much counseling I go to, how many meetings I go to, how much self work I do, it just keeps coming back. I only hope this time that it doesn't get as bad as the last time, when I did some self-mutilation. Tessi still gets upset about that, so I need to make sure I don't go that far down again.
Something keeps telling me I am just a hopeless case though. I got a strong feeling this weekend that I am going to end up like my mom, but even worse off. At least she has someone who is interested in her (Bob McDermott) so if she didn't want to be alone, she wouldn't have to be. With me, it's different because I don't have that luxury, and probably never will. Uh oh - there's one of those words to look out for in rational self analysis - "never". It says to look out for things that are personal pervasive, and permanent.
So what do I do? I have not a fucking clue anymore. I have an appt with Diana next week. I moved the schedule to a month out because I was doing so well, and now here I am all fucked up again. Jesus - it seems like I am messed up for life. Every time I think I can cut back on counselling, I go down the tubes. I guess I really am a broken person.
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